Over the past few years, I’ve gained and lost more than 20kg. Yeah…. that is A LOT of weight.
At my heaviest I was something like 82kg.. and now I’m a few kg below 60kg. My ideal weight according to Slim Couture is 52kg, and even though I don’t dare to say this to their face (in case they laugh at me / in case it doesn’t happen), really, in my heart I’m hoping for 50kg. My height is 168cm. I know of girls around my height who are 45kg-50kg and they look amazing. If I’m going to set a target for myself, might as well put it at the level of “amazing”, right? My next goal is to be as slim as possible, not just to be of a “healthy weight” anymore, because I’ve already achieved that. Now, it’s moving on the next mile stone and honestly, it’s about ideals – not just the basics. I know I already have a lot of blog posts documenting my weight loss… but in this post, I want to dig a little deeper and share with you my innermost thoughts, and some secrets.
Being obese made me extremely upset.
I felt horrible about myself all the time, and I always came up with sad excuses to make up for what I lacked (confidence, a realistic perception of my own body and the determination to do something about it). Friends who hadn’t seen me in a long time always had to mask their surprise / shock / horror when they saw how much weight I’d gained. Even my own mother offered me MONEY if I “could lose at least 5kg”. I can’t remember the exact amount, but I think it was $3000 in cash. She was THAT desperate to see her daughter healthy, beautiful and happy again. Most days, I felt dejected, victimized, and most of all… unaccepted. In my head, a little voice always goes, “Why can’t these people love me for who I am? Why can’t they just be happy for me and accept that I like food, and that I’m okay with being fat?”
I got so so so angry at anyone who called me fat. I KNEW it was the truth, but I hated how everyone used “fat” as a weapon against me. At the end of the day, nobody likes their flaws being pointed out and thrown around for the fun of public humiliation, even if it is the truth. No slut likes to be called a slut even if they are one deemed by society’s standards, no short person wants to be called a midget, no ugly person wants to be labelled as unattractive and the more you call someone out for being less than perfect, the more likely they will recline further into their shell and block themselves out from the world.
I wish I had someone else to blame for my weight gain. I was so selfish that I almost wished I could scream and yell at my boyfriend for taking me to buffets at least once a week. We would (I shit you not) go for a Japanese buffet, then an ice cream dessert cafe straight after that. We were pretty much stuffed silly every single day. I bet Sam never knew I’d get so fat. He probably just wanted to make his girlfriend happy, and since food made her happy, he bought her food. The scariest part about weight gain is how quickly it all happened to me. Fair enough, I was extremely oblivious in my relationship and thought that because I had already found a man who would “love me no matter what”, I could let myself go and it would be okay because someone in this world promised to love me unconditionally… but I never knew I’d fallen so deep, and so far, that I lost not just my self-confidence, but myself entirely. Well yeah, I’m not blind and I always knew I was getting bigger in size with every passing day, but obesity hit me real good. It kicked me so hard in the face, that I was knocked out and in denial for the longest time. I thought that I was “curvy” and “real-sized”, but I didn’t realize I was actually disgustingly unhealthy and the worst part of being super overweight is looking in the mirror, and seeing your reflection scream back at you: “YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. This is all because of your laziness, greediness, and your unwillingness to do anything to change this situation.”
Some people don’t gain weight as easily as others. Some people pile on weight like it’s their job to do so. You could put on 5-8kg in just a month if you have horrible eating habits (which I did), and unless you’ve ever worked off more than 5-8kg of fats before… you have NO IDEA how fucking difficult it is. Let me tell you something. As someone who has yoyo-ed 20kg the past few years, I can say that weight is not difficult to lose. 1 or 2kg? No problem. I can lose that in less than a week. The real difficult part is STAYING MOTIVATED AND DETERMINED, and keeping up the weight loss progress. And losing anything more than 5kg, yeah, that’s tough. Fat people are fat for a reason. They love food / they are super lazy / they eat all sorts of bad food / whatever reason. Even if they know that they’ve gained weight and want to do something about it, the core reason for their weight gain in the first place STILL exists. Old habits die hard. I know for the love of god that I still love food to this day, as much as I did when I was 82kg. I could still eat 6 meals a day if I didn’t know any better. I still would be more than happy to have carbs for every meal and a soft drink + dessert to accompany it… don’t forget to order my starter along with the main course, too. My favorite meal is supper. What can I say? I’m a greedy girl. There’s no other way to put it.
But through all the emotional trauma, life changes and self-denial, somewhere along the line, I decided that “enough was enough” and I’ve just about HAD IT with being a fat girl. No more feeling like I’m worth less just because I’ve got flabs hanging out everywhere. No more crying myself to sleep because of something someone had said, or because I hated myself for what I was doing to me. No more wondering how it’d feel like to be comfortable in my own skin again. No more dying while climbing a flight of stairs. I HATED BEING FAT, AND GOD, I NEVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO BE FAT AGAIN.
I came up with 10 very simple reasons why I never want to be fat again / why I hated being fat, and searched through my old pictures to bring you the very best of my worst pics for added entertainment value. I’m surprised by my own brazen (or you can say shameless) behavior, publishing photos that equal to social suicide but whatever, man. That person isn’t me anymore, and if photos of myself in the past can teach a lesson or provide some laughs to people, why not? This post revolves entirely around my personal opinions on obesity because I hope it’ll reach out to whoever needs this little push along their way. Everyone already knows the basic reasons why you should lose weight: for health, for self-confidence, blah blah blah. You already know that. I don’t have to tell you. My reasons in this post vary from personal, to superficial and plain legit. If you don’t agree with any of these reasons, let me tell you first that I don’t care. We all have the right to feel what we want about ourselves, but having come so far on my own weight loss journey, I thought it would be a real shame if I didn’t share these sentiments with girls (and guys) who might find them helpful. Even though I have not reached my goal weight yet and I’m still chubby in my opinion.. I’ll get there soon enough. Here’s my own motivation for doing so.
10 REASONS WHY I DON’T WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE (OR EVER AGAIN!):
1) I want to wear cute clothes in normal sizes. I want to wear high heels without being paranoid of them buckling under my immense weight.
You see this photo above? I wore my pajamas shorts out to the beach (during winter) over my leggings. Because I couldn’t find any other shorts that could fit me. My bottom was a size 16. Everything else either didn’t fit, or felt terribly uncomfortable. So I wore my pajamas out. ….Sad? I THINK SO.
I want to be able to walk into any store, and instantly be able to pick out the style or piece that I like, without worrying “do they have XL for this?”. I want to be able to shop freely without shop assistants eyeing me suspiciously because they think I’ll tear their clothes when I try them on. I don’t want the shop assistant to instantly pick out “plus size styles” for me the moment I walk into the store telling me “this is what we have in your size”, giving me special help as if I’m some disabled person who’s not able to choose her own clothes. I want to be able to wear skinny jeans, tight bodycon dresses, crop tops and short shorts. Most clothes were made and designed for skinny people. It’s really difficult to find nice clothes that fit a UK 16 girl well. I’ve been down that road, and shopping trips actually end up being frustrating and demoralizing as opposed to a fun time a normal girl would have. Every mirror you look into wants to fight a war with you. Somehow, everything looks like shit on you. NOTHING FITS.
2) When you get fat, your boobs get enormous. Guess what? Enormous boobs are HEAVY.
They gave me severe backache. Even my feet would hurt from lifting so much weight on a daily basis. I couldn’t sleep properly at night because of how much my back ached every day. Don’t know how large my boobs were at my fattest, maybe a very large C or borderline D, but boy.. imagine carrying around watermelons on your chest. That’s what it felt like. They were so big, they literally hurt. Jogging or running was a nightmare because those things wouldn’t stop jiggling and bouncing everywhere. Every bra felt like it didn’t give enough support, and for some reason, bras were extremely uncomfortable to wear. I hated wearing bras back then.
Also, overly large boobs are obscene.. Overly-large-anything is obscene, and breasts are no different. Even when I wore an innocent tank top, I looked like I was trying too hard to be sexy or that I’m trying to flash my cleavage 24/7. Holy shit, look at my boobs in the pic above. Hahahah hilarious. My boobs aren’t even 1/4 that size now I think. I’m very happy about my current modest B cup, by the way. My chest and back thanks me for not heaving around watermelons all day, too.
3) I wanna take photos beside my gorgeous, slimmer girlfriends and not feel terribly inferior and horrible about myself.
I don’t want to “hide behind people” in group shots in order for me to appear smaller, and them, larger. I don’t want to only take pictures in a specific angle because that’s the only one I look semi-decent in.
Above: no photoshop.
Below: also no photoshop.
This changing-room-selfie was taken just this week. Not having to photoshop so much saves me plenty of time when I’m posting stuff online, and I am also no longer afraid of my own reflection.
4) I wanna feel sexy, happy and comfortable in my own skin – even when I’m naked. That beast above? NOT sexy.
It’s not a nice feeling when your thighs rub together when you walk, or when your armpits get smelly because the fats are blocking ventilation, or when your arse crack never gets to see the light of day because it’s squashed together from the mass that is itself. I guess when I was obese, I could pretend I wasn’t so by covering myself up with long flowy clothes… but you can’t hide from the naked truth. Staring at my own naked body was gut-wrenching.
It’s easy to pretend or forget that you’re actually super overweight when you get used to your own reflection and hide behind loose or “flattering” clothing. Or just tell yourself that you’re curvy, and that you look fine because you can “fill our your clothes”. Well I realized that once I stripped off my clothes and stared back at my own naked reflection, there’s A LOT of flaws that were staring right back at me. All that cellulite that I usually cover up with a long dress…. stretch marks…. lumps and bumps. Even if you hide them with clothing, they don’t go away – they still exist on you. Are you really happy in your own skin? Or are you only happy when you’re covered up as much as possible?
5) Even if you’re born with good features or a pretty face, getting fat can fuck that all up.
I’m not going to waste my time trying to think of how to phrase this in a less obnoxious way: I think I was born with pretty good looks. At least, I do not think I am ugly, but that’s not to say I think I’m a 10. I would give myself a 7/10. That’s a healthy dosage of self confidence, right? I’d be worried about anyone who gives themselves a 6 or lower. I’m happy with my facial features. But man, when I started piling on the kilograms… a lot of the original “me” got lost along the way.
I used to think that even though I was getting fatter, “at least my face still looks good”. OH HOW WRONG I WAS. Your body and your face are not two separate entities. They go hand in hand. If your body is weak, healthy, malnourished or obese, IT SHOWS on your face. Why do you think drug addicts’ faces look like hell? Because their body went through hell.
This is a recent selfie of me, which you can compare to the above:
Yeah, so my eyebrows are completely different and the new make up / angle helps a bit, but the main point is my face and features seemed to have changed completely. My face no longer seems as “stretched” or as wide. Oh my god, suddenly I have a nose bridge again! And no, I’ve never done fillers or anything. Also, not sure why, but my skin wasn’t as good when I was obese. Think it was all the unhealthy, artery (and pore?) clogging food I was stuffing my face with.
So yes, if you’re quite overweight, losing weight WILL make your face look better.
6) I don’t want people to look at me and think, “what the fuck is that fat person doing?”
Because we’re all judgemental people. If it was a normal girl riding that pony, it would be fine. But because I am SO FAT in this picture, I automatically look ridiculous, and even though the pony ain’t a living pony, suddenly we’re concerned for the pony’s health. Hey, machine pony, you ok? You sure you’re not breaking under that pressure? Well, okay, if you say so…
When I was obese, I couldn’t eat in complete peace because I always felt like people were judging me when I ordered or ate my food. They’re probably thinking in their heads, “Are you sure you want a whole pizza AND a pasta by yourself?”. Honestly, can you blame them? If you see a drug addict sniffing more drugs, wouldn’t you feel bad for them and perhaps even give a disapproving look or reach out a concerned hand? Or if an alcoholic starts downing shots like there’s no tomorrow.. surely there’s a cause for concern around here?
Yeah, people should mind their own business. If they know what’s good for them, they won’t say much in fear of offending you. But you can betcha ass they’re definitely thinking, “perhaps you should probably order a salad instead.” when you’re dining with them. Hell, they may even get uncomfortable around you because you eat so much. You may even look on in disgust as someone orders two desserts when the only thing they should be ordering is a personal trainer. I know I’ve done it to overweight people before (judge them), AND I’ve also been the one to gross people out by my habits (being judged).
7) For years, I dreamt of wearing a bikini out with confidence some day.
Swimwear is every fat person’s worst nightmare. Because on the beach, it makes no sense to cover up yourself completely… we have no choice but to bear our skin. Unless you wear a wetsuit, like I did, of course. Wearing that wetsuit and looking that thick… sheesh, I was lucky no great white shark came along and mistook me for a seal or a baby pilot whale.
I’m so happy to announce that in my recent trip to Bali, I actually wore a bikini set and went snorkeling in it!!!! YES I was embarrassed, yes I still had flabs jiggling in the wind as the speed boat whizzed through the ocean, but boy, was it liberating to jump into the ocean in nothing but my bikini. It felt AMAZING. I felt so free. Didn’t matter in that moment that I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret angel, it mattered that I was proud enough of my own body to have a nice day out at sea without fretting over how fat and awful I may look.
8) I wanted the people who loved me to not be embarrassed of my physique. I wanted them to be proud of who I was.
I don’t know how my boyfriend still loved me even though I looked like that…. he even tried to cover my tummy for me. Aw.
Life is TOO SHORT to live a good part of it hating your own body. Stop that shit right now. Even though your partner may love you truly for who you are, nobody in their right mind wouldn’t prefer a fit partner. Fit partners live better and longer. When you’re really fat, it does not ONLY affect you. It definitely affects the people around you. It affects their thoughts of you and how they behave around you. It may not necessarily make your friends or loved ones think of you any worse, but being fat has ONLY ever brought about inconvenience – never convenience. Unless it’s keeping warm, then your skinny friends can snuggle up to you, I guess. I know a lot of my friends and family were getting extremely concerned about my well-being – “What’s wrong with Jessica? Why is she letting herself get so fat? Does she have an eating disorder? Is she depressed? What’s wrong?!” Because, let’s face it – being really fat is NOT normal. It’s unhealthy, both physically and mentally. If I had continued being greedy and lazy and getting fatter, I would not only be doing myself a disfavor, but I would be letting down the people who care about me as well. They, and I, deserve better than that.
9) I’m sick and tired of having to suck in my fat gut ALL THE TIME!
If you always eat huge amounts of food, eventually the fat will start depositing in areas like your thighs, arms, face, etc… But most immediately, it goes to your stomach. Look how huge and bulbous my tummy used to be!!! I had no waistline whatsoever. People probably couldn’t decide if I was just really overweight, or 4 months pregnant. Oh, I was pregnant alright, with a food baby that I carried around for YEARS! If I didn’t suck in my stomach it would hang loose and bulge incessantly. Yuck. With a lot of dieting and hard work, I finally have a nice waist line now!!! Never going to give it up. EVER.
10) Last, but definitely not least…. I don’t want to let myself give people reasons to insult me, or make me feel like I’m worth any less a person, just because I’m fat. Enough of the fat jokes, fat insults, fat comments.
Thank god I’m not fat anymore, because every Chinese New Year, my loud relatives no longer exclaim with widened eyes, “WAH!!! JESSIE!! SOOOO00O0O0OO0 FAT AH!!!!!!!!!!!! *pinch cheeks*”
….There is truly nothing more embarrassing than taunting relatives during Chinese New Year. Every flaw you ever had, they won’t hesitate to put it out in the open for discussion material. Nearing 30 but not married? Get hounded. Failing at school? Get hounded. Getting fatter and fatter? Get hounded. In front of all your cousins and other relatives…. where to hide your face?
The harsh truth and reality of the world is, if you’re fat, you WILL be judged, and you will be teased. But you can put an end to all of it.
…So there, are my 10 personal reasons as to why I don’t want to EVER be fat again. If you can’t relate to any of my points, congratulations, you’ve never been fat. Lucky you. If you CAN relate to what I’ve said, I beg you, do yourself a favor and start shedding those pounds. I’ve been where you are now, and it’s possible to emerge from that pile of confidence-sucking crap.
“Man, I regret losing all that weight, being healthier, looking better and feeling greater!” - SAID NO ONE EVER. I wanna thank Slim Couture for inspiring me to write this blog post. They did not ask me to write this post, by the way, it’s completely by my own accord and 100% my idea. If you’re new around here, Slim Couture is a TCM-method and Singapore based company, passionate in helping women achieve their target weight and physique. I’ve been visiting Slim Couture on and off since a couple of months ago, and they’ve aided me greatly in achieving my weight loss. I have so much to thank Slim Couture for! I know I say this every time, but I really do. Without the constant support from the ladies at Slim Couture, I would have definitely not be well on my way to achieving my target weight at this instance. I honestly SUCK at dieting, that’s why my progress is considered very slow compared to their other clients. Thanks to their Divine Slim treatment, I’ve gotten rid of 8kg, and an unbelievable amount of inches off my waist, arms, ass and thighs!
Check out my posts for more Slim Couture information here: Post 1 (beginning of my journey with them), Post 2 (weight loss progress), Post 3 (sam’s progress and our first event). For this post, I didn’t feel the need to hard sell because you all should already know by now how much I believe in Slim Couture’s treatment, and the gist of how their TCM methods work.. What you may not have known, though, is how much happier you’ll be as a fit, healthy or slim person instead of being miserably overweight.
Life-changing in every aspect, and without a doubt the best thing / most difficult I’ve done for myself in recent times. If you need help with getting started on your journey… I know of someone you can call.
18 Cross Street, #02-06
China Square Central
Tel: (+65) 6536 8586
190 Clemenceau Ave 2,
Singapore Shopping Centre, #05-29
Tel: (+65) 6336 8665