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Don’t expect me to be your friend

So my ex boyfriend texted me at like 12++am the other day and asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch with him tomorrow afternoon.

I asked him why he suddenly he asked me out, and he casually replied, “Oh I’m just going to be in your area tomorrow.”

Of course I said no (I asked him why initially coz I thought he had something important to tell me.. like erm he had cancer and was going to die and sincerely wanted to apologize for wasting 2 years of my life??)

I told him I couldn’t coz I had exams the next day (true story) but even if I didn’t have a math paper to sit for, I would never have went anyway.

I was appalled by his behaviour… how could he behave so casual with me?

Up till this day, I’m puzzled by how people can be (or pretend to be) so casual around their (recent) ex-es. I dunno about you, but when I think of ex-boyfriend, very very strange memories come flooding back to me..

Yes, it has already been over a year since we broke up, but I still can’t bring myself to face him yet. Not because I’m in love with him still, but it’s just because I haven’t forgotten the times we had.

How can I stand being around someone I’ve been intimate with, who is now a total stranger (in ways) to me and not feel awkward?

How can I look into the eyes of the boy I’ve shed so many tears for without wondering if he’s thinking about the same memories that I am?

There are still many things I wish I’d said to him, but I’ll never bare myself to him again. I realized there’s no point in talking to somebody like him… I just wish it didn’t take me so long to find out what kind of a person he is.

I wish he’d hate me and refrain from any contact with me at all, honestly, it’s easier that way.

At first I thought there was something wrong with me. Could it be that I haven’t got over him yet?

Why am I so afraid to pick up his call? Why do I have weird fuzzy feeling when I receive texts from him? (ain’t a warm feeling.. more like nausea)

Even after we’ve broken up, you’re still making me feel like there’s something wrong with me wtf. But today I realized you’re just too TOXIC to be around. And this post is a reminder to myself to never entertain your calls again.

I know many girls who want to be friends with their ex-boyfriends but that’s something I can’t do.. unless you know, maybe 20 years later. You know that an ex-boyfriend is not worth being friends with if you try to think of him as a friend but all you can think of is all the hurt he’s caused you.


I find it strangely offensive
that he’s acting so casual around me.

I don’t know if you remember, but our break up was an ugly, forced one (you being the culprit of course). It was not a “mutual understanding” kind of situation.

Sometimes I just want to scream at him…

HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!?

How dare you take my heart as a young teenager, stomp all over it, try to piece it back together just to rip it apart all over again and when I’ve finally gathered enough strength to break free you are back to haunt me?

How dare you act like the time we’ve spent together was nothing much at all? How dare you not be begging for forgiveness and instead trying to act like we could be best buddies?!?!!


What makes you think you deserve to be part of my life?

When I talk to him, it’s like he does not feel any guilt, sadness, or nostalgia at all. It’s like he doesn’t remember all those times we shared..

But I remember.

There’s just too many memories, some sweet, but mostly bitter.. to remind myself why I broke up with him in the first place, so I maintain a constant dislike for him..

Unless somebody erases these memories from my head, I could NEVER be friends with him.

He also called me up again about 2 months ago and asked me what I’d been saying about him on my blog, because apparently the girl he was interested in has read my blog and the nasty things I’ve said about him so she ignored him for awhile.

He sounded quite upset over the phone and I felt the slightest bit of guilt, I think he expected an apology or some sort of explanation but he didn’t get one.

Well forgive me if I’m only human!

Forgive me if I’m not like you. Forgive me if I refuse to act as if that 2 years of my life didn’t happen… Forgive me for ranting on my blog, because that’s the only kind of closure I ever got.


Forgive me if the pain you’ve caused me still hurts.

Why are you so worried about what I write on my blog?? I promise that everything I write here is nothing but the plain, cold truth about you.

You or your friends may beg to differ, but they’re so superficial just like you that it’s even funny.

Let me get this straight.. I spent so long trying to forget you and getting rid of you, now you want to be FRIENDS?

So you can’t be bothered putting in enough effort to keep me as your girlfriend but you conveniently decide to have me as a friend?

I know all about the cheap sluts and ah lians you toy and hang around with… You expect me to be one of THEM?

Fuck that shit!!! And fuck you for being so unapologetic.

No, you don’t deserve me as your girlfriend, that’s why I left you, and now, you don’t deserve me as a friend either.


Since I wasn’t your everything, then let me just be nothing to you.

I feel almost ROBBED of the awkwardness after every failed relationship. At least when he’s awkward around you, he remembers that you were once important to him and he’s scared to be too casual because he respects your own space.

My ex-boyfriend??

He even called me at 1am to ask me for advice on how to chase after this girl he met online!!!

The only advice I have for you is to never go near a decent girl with a good heart, ever again.

She may not be able to pick up the pieces like I did.

Reasons why we can’t be friends:

1) I would have to punch myself in the face for betraying my own intelligence

2) I would have to punch your face too

3) It conflicts with my views of not hanging out with people who are stupid, pretentious and / or have no morals

4) I don’t want to be THAT girl you’d have to lie about to another female

4) Friends are for building relationships. You tore whatever we had left of a relationship down a long time ago

5) I’ve spent a helluva lot time trying to bury you deep and away.. so stay in your grave motherfucker!!!


6) I know you like nobody else does and that is why I of all people would know ALL the reasons to
NOT want to be your friend!!!

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Let’s just let this story come to an end.. so don’t expect me to be your friend.

xoxo,
Jess

Overcoming Obstacles

This blog post is entitled “Overcoming Obstacles”, and rightfully so, because today I will be talking about all the things I’ve been struggling to deal with recently! Partly inspired by people who are CONSTANTLY telling me “Oh, you’re such a lucky girl / I wish I was you / Your life is perfect”
Nobody’s life is perfect, and mine certainly isn’t!!

I figured we could all do with one less picture-intensive travelogue post and actually get inside my head this time, and fill you guys in on the more unpleasant part of my life… why?? Because I don’t want people to think I’m trying to portray a perfect image here!
I consider my blog to one of the most real around, so when it becomes too sugary sweet, I like to bring it back to reality and let people know that I am only human. And if you ever thought my life was perfect, you are foolish!!! Ok, no doubt I don’t have anything majorly depressing to deal with, like physical disabilities or dying family members or not having enough money to survive on, etc… But hey, I deal with my own shit too ok!
Here we go, sob fest about to begin, I’m gonna type up a ranty storm. 

Recently I have REALLY been struggling to cope with my long distance relationship.
I can’t remember how many nights I’ve cried, and it wasn’t just the “omg I miss my bf” kind of sob… It’s the, “AGGHHHH WTF AM I DOING *finds it hard to breathe* FUCK MY LIFE IT SUCKS SO MUCH, I WANT TO DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! *bangs head against the wall*” kind of cry.

I haven’t been telling anyone at all, I haven’t been blogging or even tweeting about it… Because I know that it’s a problem I’m gonna have to deal with on my own. If you’ve ever been in a long-distance relationship, you’ll know exactly what I mean. No matter what people say, it doesn’t make you feel better… I mean what kind of advice or kind words can people offer you to ease the pain? What sort of comfort can you receive to make the nights less lonely, except from the person you so dearly miss himself?

Here’s what being in a long distance relationship feels like.

IT’S SPECIAL.
And I mean like really fucking special.

You KNOW for sure that any 2 people in a long distance relationship are fucking crazy in love, because NOBODY in their right mind would put themselves up to experience such pain and costs unless their feelings were the purest from the bottom of their hearts. People in long-distance relationships devote more time, more money, more resources, more effort… More everything!!! I consider myself fucking lucky because my bf comes over about once every month, I can’t imagine not seeing him for more than that because everytime he’s gone, I feel like I lose a part of myself and I’m not the happiest girl on earth that I usually am!!

You know that lovely feeling you get around the person you love?
I love who I am around him, because I’m forever laughing, forever stuffing my face with yummy food, forever taking cat naps and tickling each other on the bed… but without him I am a sad, angry, and lost girl.

I suppose I’ve grown so attached to him that it feels weird waking up in the morning without him lying right next to me, it’s weird not having to ask him what he wants for dinner because he’s not here…

I feel incomplete, and vulnerable.
But it doesn’t take very long for me to turn from lost to frustrated… Because I’m so deprived of my usual loving and cuddles (and a lot of other things), I become really ANGRY. I get pissed off at everything easily, *especially* him. Suddenly, the person I ultimately adore to death becomes the most annoying person on earth. Everything he says is stupid, everything he does is retarded, he even looks irritating to me!!!! I can’t even look at his face on Skype without feeling annoyed.

I am not interested in having any conversations with him, and basically I want to spend as much time doing my own thing (like playing online games) as possible and whenever I get the chance to, I lash out at him. I yell at him when he doesn’t play properly in games, I take offence at everything he says….. I guess it’s because I’m so bloody angry at him for putting me in this situation.
It’s like, screw you!!! You may not be a cheating lying unethical asshole like my ex-boyfriend, but you probably make me cry just as often because I miss you so much.

I mean of course I know he technically didn’t PUT me in this situation, because it takes two hands to clap, right?? But sometimes I wonder why I even bother making myself go through this.. I know it’s because I ♥ him, but I’m such a needy gf that being in a LDR is killing me! I have to have attention from my boyfriend 24/7, like you wouldn’t even believe. I’ve become a lot more independent after being in this relationship of course, but I’m still attention-seeking as always!!! I’m very very very close to my significant other, since I’m not that close to friends… I’d rather focus all my attention on one person than have to divide it, y’know?

I like living in my small protected bubble, surrounded only by very few people in my life, people I genuinely like and can trust. Which leaves me wondering… why the fuck do I have a boyfriend for when he’s not around here 3/4 of the time??? Whenever he’s not around, I’m like a lifeless zombie!!!!!!

I’m emo, lonely, (my mum is always traveling and the rest of my family isn’t that close-knitted) and angry! And then that part of me tells my brain that this whole long distance relationship is retarded and that it needs to end. I end up starting lots of fights with him, just so I can slip the words “let’s take a break” in somewhere and hope he doesn’t take it too hard.. When the drama is all over, (it usually happens at night when I’m PMS-y and emotional) and I wake up the next morning feeling heaps better, I remember what I did last night and I feel incredibly bad because I can say really mean things when I’m upset. The experience may be over, but the words always hurt when you think about what was said, I know that first-hand….

I feel so fucking guilty but I cannot help it either!!!

In my defense, sometimes he really is motherfucking annoying and I just want to gouge out his eyeballs with my fingernails -_-

Sometimes he completely deserves all the shit he gets from me. I don’t wanna sound TOO emo, that’s why I’m taking a “omg this is so frustrating” tone to this post rather than a “fuck my depressing life I’m hurting and crying and sad” tone to it…. But honestly, I never blog about all the stupid things my bf does and it affects me way more than anyone knows. Sometimes I feel like it’s really unfair, just because he SEEMS perfect, doesn’t mean he is!! Just like my life portrayed my blog. I didn’t do it intentionally, but nobody likes to bitch about their life constantly right? (except whiny annoying people)

I try to put the limelight on happy, lighthearted stuff because it’s a lot easier to deal with, obviously. People see my bf always buying me flowers, expensive gifts, bringing me on holidays, making lovely DIY gifts for me… (which is wonderful) so whenever I complain about my bf, nobody ever takes me seriously! FML. So much for being “optimistic”. You want me to write down every jerky thing he’s done meh? Can’t you just take my word for it that he can be a real ass sometimes? I’m a very fair person!!! If he’s being nice, I will say he’s very nice. When I have to say he’s an ass, TRUST ME, he IS an ass. I guess the long distance gets to him as well, so he’s less charming and a lot less tolerant of my antics….

When the storm settles down, things will eventually get better, but the vicious cycle will continue again in a few weeks or a month’s time, each time more aggressive than the previous. At the start of a long-distance relationship, you know it’s going to be hard. People ask you, “Are you sure? It’s a lot of trouble!” and you ask yourself, “Are you bloody sure? It’s going to be a FUCKLOAD OF TROUBLE!!!”

And there’s a small little voice inside your head that’s going, “Screw this, you’re crazy!”” but really your heart is just beating at a hundred miles per hour and it’s screaming,

“OMG BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY, SO OKAY!! LET’S GO LET’S GO OMG I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHERE THIS TAKES US HEHEHE”

And that is the only voice you actually ever listen to.
At least that’s what happened for me. Everything was so fucking magical at the start, I was dancing around my room every single day and singing love songs deep into the night and loving life because I thought it popped right out of a fairy tale book. I thought I’d finally met my Prince Charming (eh thats always the impression you get at the start) but I think me and Sam progressed WAY too fast for our own good… Our “honeymoon” period barely lasted a month and everything was so much more difficult from then on!!! I wonder if it’s normal for couples to fight and make up as often as we do?

Well it’s probably normal, but most definitely not healthy!!!!

The problem with Sam is that he can have a 360 degree personality change JUST LIKE THAT *snaps fingers* It’s like, one moment he’s Prince Charming, who is the sweetest guy you could ever imagine and the next moment he’s this jerk that I don’t even know. And it’s really frustrating because he switches his two personalities on and off so much, I don’t ever know that to expect next! Even when he switches on Prince Charming, I still feel angry with Prince Dickhead and I’m like, “YEA, you’re not sorry, so stop saying you are.. you’re gonna turn all Prince Dickhead on me soon enough!!”
I hate how guys throw around the words “I’m sorry” so easily. It’s more than likely even more commonly used than the words “I love you” (both having extremely great value) but I suppose the latter is not more popular because I just know there are more jerks than romantics out there.

For those who haven’t a slightest clue, here is what I AM SORRY means:
“I am sorry means I sincerely regret the foolish actions I have done to hurt your feelings, I understand that my insensitivity has caused you pain but I am hereby declaring that I will not do the same thing to hurt you ever, ever again, because you just mean too much to me and I can’t bear to see you heartbroken like that anymore.”

Y’KNOW???

Not fucking “I will now throw the words I’m Sorry in your face because it’s a convenient loophole us pathetic guys like to abuse and make use of because we think it gets us out of hot soup easily, you girls lap it all up like eager bitches and even though I say I’m sorry, really, I’m not, because imma do the same fucking thing to hurt you tomorrow again, heehaw.”

…How do you deal with a guy like that?  ,Well I don’t wanna go on and on about what a jerk my bf is, because he is nice MOST of the time, so I’ll stop complaining about him. The point I’m trying to get at is, long distance relationships are really tiring and they’re harder than you think!!! They do change your personalities and they make two people who are completely in love become completely sick of each other.

You become a different person… And you know the other person is different, too. And it leaves you wondering if you’re still meant to be together, since things have changed so much. I really really like you, but because of that I’m also really really annoyed with you, but really… I just really like you.
Having said all this, I’m not going to give up soon… or at least I hope I won’t!!! I hope this annoyance and frustration is only temporary, and that things would fall into their rightful place soon.
It’s very intimidating to think about, considering the only way we’re ever gonna “solve” this long-distance problem is to…

MOVE IN WITH EACH OTHER.
I guess that’s PART of the reason why I wanna go to Melbourne to study.

Not just because I want to be with my bf, I also genuinely want to experience the lifestyle there but it’s so scary to think I’m gonna live-in with my boyfriend in ANOTHER COUNTRY at the age of 18!!!! Hello who the hell goes to live in another country with her bf at 18?? The thought if it is absolutely crazy, like the plot came out from the movies. Sam says he’s going to rent a place for the both of us and I was kinda shocked at the idea.

It’s very flattering and all, but I FEEL LIKE A KID STILL.

Moving in with someone else and having a place I can call my own just seems like something so adult-ish and it scares me because, WHAT HAPPENS if things between the two of us don’t work out? What happens if he dumps me, or if I meet someone new, or if we just get utterly sick of each other… and we’re stuck in the same bloody house?

It’s not as if I have another option – I’m going to be halfway through my studies in Aus, and nowhere else to go. I don’t have any relatives in Australia, at least not in Melbourne, and if he kicks me out of the house, I’m dead!!! I am not doubting him or myself, I am simply being realistic. I have to be mature and be real and think about very possible consequences when my future is at stake! I’m not gonna be like, “Ooooh we’re going to get a house together in Melbourne and have kids and live happily ever after hehehe”

Ok la Sam is not the kind who would EVER kick anybody out of the house but you know, it’s a lot of responsibilities to face. The moment you move in with somebody, it’s like REAL COMMITMENT. I guess to avoid this problem I can also stay in a hostel or something, but that’s kinda retarded since if I’m going to Australia to spend more time with him, I might as well stay with him! It’s all so very confusing for me…

At the start, I was 100% sure.
I was bent on moving to Australia and living a wonderful happy life there with my bf but now that things have gotten a lot harder and we’ve been having a lot more shitty times, I’m just not so sure anymore.
I’ve seen things I never wanted to see, found out things that I never wanted to know… I’m just not so confident. Sigh.

I still love my boyfriend very much, but I hate having doubts about something.
I can’t have a single doubt in my relationship because that doubt will grow and grow into bigger suspicions and eventually it will self-destruct on its own and it will be all because of that one tiny doubt! I’ve always believed relationships should be a HUNDRED PERCENT, no less. If it’s anything less, it is NOT worth holding on to and I’m better off being alone.

Sorry if I seem like I’m just rambling on endlessly, but I am so fucking confused. I am going to graduate from my Diploma course soon, and I would have to make a life changing decision then. Stay in Singapore and wonder what could have been, or take a huge leap of faith and jump into Australia and hope that everything turns out wonderfully? You know, if I do move in with Sam, I would definitely have to move out one day and the thought itself scares me to death.
Unless we get married…. But I’m naturally assuming that’s out of the question now (I’m bloody 18!)

I think breaking up with somebody is earth-shattering enough, imagine having to move out and shift countries too!!

I’M COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT HERE.

I feel like I’m left with no choice, because if I don’t move there, we would break up anyway because I CAN’T STAND A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE and I don’t want him to come to Singapore anyway because I desperately want to get out of here!! Just so you know, I am NOT afraid of commitment… Hell, I am ALL about commitment when it comes to relationship. I am dedicated and I will give everything I have. But this time it’s not just about me and what I have to offer.

Moving to Australia would mean leaving behind everything I’ve ever known… leaving behind familiar Sunny ol’ Singapore, as much as I want to get out of this place, I grew up here.
Could I get used to life elsewhere? I’m gonna miss my family and the few friends that I have so so so much!!!!

It will be expensive, and I obviously don’t have the means to come up with that sort of money myself, so I’m gonna have to ask a huge favour from my parents.
What if I fuck up halfway (be it due to lifestyle / studies / relationships there) and I want to come home?
I don’t want to disappoint my parents!!!! I mean I have to get REALLY good grades there, otherwise it’s all for nothing

And I’m so not the kind who likes to stress over grades…. I get decent grades and all, but I’d HATE to become one of those people who only ever thinks about mugging and mugging and books and lessons and become so lifeless and sad. I believe that education is important, but there are far more important things in life than to fuss over whether you get A’s or B’s.
Also….
It doesn’t help that the only question I ever get nowadays from people is,
“So when are you going to Australia to live / study?”

Every time I meet a friend, a lecturer, a relative, or even blog readers people will just ask me… “How come you’re not in Australia yet? When are you going? Who are you going to live with? What are you going to study?”

AHHH STOP IT!!!! A simple “How are you?” would suffice, ok?
If you know me in real life and you’re reading this, pls DON’T ask me that question… I should have never mentioned it to people in the first place -_-


WHAT SHOULD I DO?????
I wanna rip my hair out!!! I hardly ever ask advice from anybody, not from my friends, my mum or even my boyfriend because most of the time I know exactly what the fuck I’m doing. But this is a big effing dilemma with a capital D because it’s a big decision and there’s just TOO many possible factors involved. You can’t deduce an evaluative conclusion by examining the circumstances because it’s just one of those things that you gotta try it out for yourself to ever know what it’s even like.

Some advice from people would be real swell, especially if you’ve ever moved in with a boyfriend or studied abroad (where you don’t have any friends / relatives) or been in a long distance relationship like mine before..
I would love to hear from you and if possible, do share your personal experiences! Is it as scary as I think it is?

DID YOUR BF KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE? Ahhhh! I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it for a very long time.

I’m 18, and right now I’m facing one of those big crossroads in life where you either
take an awesomely epic journey,
or….. go on a one way track along the highway to hell.

xoxo,
Jess

Addressing some Formspring questions

Today I’m gonna answer 2 questions on my Formspring that I found rather interesting!

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…Not really, on certain days I feel like shit.

I ask myself why my calves are thick and manly looking, why my lips are shapeless, why I have a hairy mustache for a girl, why my eyes are so small,

why my double eyelids are so thin, why my eyebrows are non-existent, why my irises aren’t beautifully coloured,

why my eyelashes aren’t curly and longer, why my nose isn’t sharper, why my teeth aren’t whiter,

why my hair is thin and limp, why my hips are so wide, why my thighs and legs aren’t more slender, why my boobs aren’t cleavagier (hehe)

why I have stretch marks and cellulite on my lower body, why I have hairy legs and armpits, why I have such short stubby fingers…


Why I’m just not PERFECT.

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..And then I remember that I don’t have to be. Imperfect is Im Perfect split up. I’m beautiful and just fine the way I am, and as long as my loved ones and I believe that, it is true…

But if you don’t, then fuck you anyway. ……Just kidding.

I don’t have a problem with myself, and I don’t care if anyone else unimportant to me does. They can say whatever the want, but really, it doesn’t change the fact that I am awesome and that I am happy (well, most of the time.)

The most amazing thing about having this sort of confidence is that no matter how fucking hurtful something is said about you, it only affects you as much as you would ALLOW it.


You are only as flawed as you believe yourself to be.

Since I’ve already done a post on Self-Esteem Issues about 2 months back, I won’t do another lengthy one but I’d like to share this song with all girls (and boys!) out there who always feel like they’re not good enough and that they have to change themselves to “fit in”


Imperfect is the new Perfect by Caitlin Crosby


Compare the way my body looks to the magazines
Don't know why everybody's buying into the scene
So I'm gonna drive down the boulevard
Not caring who has the fastest car
Tone down the makeup, and the noise,
Cause whats inside will bring the boys.


I don't wanna look like you because
You're too perfect
You're too perfect.

And I don't wanna fill your shoes cause
It's not worth it
It's not worth it

I don't fit the mold, I am real
Too colorful to conceal

Imperfect is the new perfect
Imperfect is the new perfect



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If skin and bones is the secret to all your happiness
Then pop your pills cause the money is never gonna last

So save the plastic for the toys,
Come out your shell just make some noise


I'm gonna run
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna smile and not fit in
I'm gonna dance
I'm gonna strut
I'll shake my curves

AND NOT GIVE A FUCK!


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Just dry your eyes, you're beautiful
I understand.. its logical
Cause these images are everywhere
They're make believe - so don't compare
I don't wanna compare


We're every shape and size
You know we're
Just perfect
We're just perfect

We love our hips our thighs
Because they're
Just perfect
Just perfect

I don't fit the mold, I am real
Too colorful to conceal


IMPERFECT IS THE NEW PERFECT!

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This song means so much to me ♥
And I hope it will help you like how it’s helped me!

I cried while listening to it the first time (and sometimes still do!) it’s one of my favouritest song EVER. It feels so good to know that there are other like minded girls out there..

Dealing with self-esteem issues is like a forever ongoing battle that you may sometimes win or lose, but KEEP FIGHTING GIRLS!!!! :) xx

One day you’ll realize your self-worth and just how beautiful you really are.

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My second Formspring question that I’m gonna answer here is…

Ok, so I’ve actually had a lot of requests from my readers asking me to post up my singing, but I’ve been too embarrassed to do it because I’m not THAT good at it… I do love doing it though!!

But recently I’d got myself the Glee app on iphone after my brother told me to, and it’s SO FUN!! Been hooked on it for hours and hours.

You can record your own songs, listen to other people sing, do duets, etc.

And then I thought to myself…. screw it. I’m just gonna record an acappella version of Hey Jude and Imagine (my other 2 favtest ever!!)

So if you’re interested in listening to me sing, for goodness knows what reason, here’s the link:

http://glee.smule.com/myglee/song/solo/108465

It was recorded with my iphone! Honestly I think I could’ve done a lot better, I sound different when recorded and I should have belted out the strong parts a little more (but I was afraid it would be a little overwhelming for my iphone) but whatever, it’s just for fun anyway!

If you like it, gleek it!! (click on the star button)

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Hope y’all enjoyed your weekend, and I’m off to edit photos for my next upcoming posts on Western Australia…

Sooo many pretty pics hehe ♥

Love!!!

xoxo,
Jess

Superpower Monday

Oh hello!!!!

It’s that day of the week again where I do a weekly feature that can be requested by you guys!!!

Thanks for your suggestions last week, some of they were pretty cool but I don’t feel like blogging about my family right now as some have asked because I’m pissed off with them and today’s topic is actually suggested by my boyfriend!

And it issssssssss………


SUPERPOWER MONDAY!!!!

Ok, I know that Superpower Sunday sounds a lot better and less lame but I was feeling too upset yesterday to blog but I’m going to try and get it done today because I’m responsible like that!

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Superpowers -
everybody secretly wishes they had one. Or a hundred.
Or a billion!!!!!

If I had to choose only ONE superpower, I’d choose to be able to make anybody’s wishes come true (including mine) so I will not be limited to only one choice.

With that, I can grant eternal happiness, limitless fortune and great health.

Ok I know that’s not playing fair now, but a girl can dream…

People on my formspring have actually asked me what superpower I’ve always wanted to have as a kid and truth to be told, I didn’t only want superpowers as a kid, I STILL want them now.

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Let’s do a fun and random list of all the superpowers I’d kill to have….

FLYING!!!

ROARRRRRR.

Oh come on, EVERYBODY wants to be able to fly!!! People just love that sense of freedom, being able to take flight and go wherever your heart desires. It’s that weightlessness and purity that we all crave…

When I was younger, I used to have a lot of dreams about holding hands with my friends at the top of a hill, and we’d run soooo fast together and at the edge, we’d kick off and fly into the sky.

Lol I’m not kidding you!!!! How cute is that dream? I have SO many weird things going on in my head at night..

Well besides cute dreams of holding hands with kids, I remember this particular dream where this ghost was chasing after me down a super long HDB corridor at night and I couldn’t run at that time, but I was just learning to fly.

And obviously ghosts can fly faster and better than me because they’ve been doing it their whole afterlife, and eventually it started catching up with me and I was like GOD DAMN IT FLY FASTER ALREADY *stretches arms and legs out to increase speed… but nothing happens* and eventually the ghost did catch up but I woke up :(

I always dream of ghosts, or at least in the past. Obvious sign of an extremely disturbed child!!!

I realized that not much of me has changed 10 years later.

Instead of just dreaming about flying, I try to achieve my dreams in different ways… and even though I’m unable to magically levitate into the air, I can still go parasailing and hot air ballooning, which is so damn amazing :)

Every time I’m in the air, I immediately feel happy and detached in a way like I left my body and worries on the ground, this Jessica in the air is much more care free than the one on the ground.

If I really could feel, I would fly to extremely tall landmarks around the world and sit on the top, admiring the view…

I’d sit myself on the very top of the Eiffel tower, and the Golden Gate Bridge, and even go to outer space!!!!! And have chats with aliens. Lol who knows eh?

For somebody who loves flying, I really HATE flying in aeroplanes though... I mean, that’s just stupid and way too high cuz you can’t see shit (only clouds surround you) and the pressure really gets to me whole body, especially my ears.

I feel like someone’s repeatedly stabbing my ears with chopsticks every time I fly… does anyone else get this problem? Apparently the pipes in our noses and ears aren’t working well enough to equalize, *sad*

*thinking about the dreadful flights I will be taking for my Australia trip… first time flying alone*

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Besides the obviously popular superpowers that everybody else wants to have (infinite money, being invisible, being immortal, etc) here are a few which I think are quite unique and personal to me!

As you all should know by now, I’m a HUGE fan of the ocean, marine creatures and particularly killer whales and I would absolutely love to be able to speak to orcas or understand them in some way, and of course, be able to breathe underwater just like Harry did in Goblet of Fire!!!

There’s just so many secrets, mysteries and fantasies in the deep blue seas waiting to be explored… I get the chills just thinking about how amazing it is under there.

I know scuba diving sort of lets you breathe underwater but that just doesn’t count lah. I can also say skydiving lets me fly but let’s face it, if your tank runs out of air or if your parachute doesn’t pop up in time, you’re screwed… Superpowers are special for a reason, because it gives us something we can’t have!!!

I wouldn’t even mind eating some gillyweed and grow some very painful looking and ugly gills..

*dreamy sigh*

Watching this video of my incredibly special time at Sea World never fails to get me all emotional and teary-eyed… I miss you Sea World!!!

Swimming with them is one of my biggest dreams in the world (I dream about it at night, and in the day ALL THE TIME), and I’d give anything to be able to do it… but quite frankly, the thought really scares me.

I don’t know, what if they attack me and eat me?

………….Ok this sounds stupid coming from me because I KNOW for a fact that killer whales have NEVER attached humans in the wild unprovoked and they definitely do not eat humans… They’re not opportunistic hunters despite being apex predators of the ocean and they maintain quite a strict diet of whales, porpoises, stingrays and seals (only things that belong in the sea)

Ok I’m not going to give you a whole biography lesson on killer whales, but yes back to my point about being able to breathe underwater… That’d be so awesome!

I’d be a badass marine biologist, haha!!

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I guess a contributing factor for wanting this ability to breathe underwater would be that one of my worst fears in life is to actually drown to death. (gee why am I so morbid?)

Ever since I’ve watched movies like Titanic, Deep Blue Sea and other creepy sea-horrors I’ve been scared to death of drowning…

I think it’s so damn horrible how a person has to breathe in so much water (we all know how much that hurts) and their body will keep forcing them to breathe in water until their lungs are completely filled with water instead of oxygen before they finally DIE!!!!

*gasps*

It takes a lot longer than most other deaths and it’s really the most traumatic coz you know EXACTLY what is going on..

If you get hit by a car, you’re like OMG WTF for one second when you see the car speeding towards you but the impact would most probably cause you to lose consciousness or you will be in so much shock that you don’t realize what kind of deep shit you are in…

But drowning is just so helpless!!! Ok I will stop talking about death now.

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My last featured superpower of the day would definitely have to be…..

TIME TRAVEL!!!

I could take Sam back millions of years ago and let him see dinosaurs with his very own eyes :)

I love killer whales, but because I know they exist. Being fascinated by an animal you’ve never and will never see is very different..

Well jokes aside, don’t you wish you could just reverse time and undo your mistakes, so you wouldn’t have to carry regrets around in a heavy heart now?

Even though I don’t have many regrets in my life (or at all) I think having time travel becoming possible would benefit us all so much.

Some mistakes were never meant to be made (like the invention of bombs and guns and religion) and they were screwing our world up so much, the effects are irreversible..

If I could travel in time, maybe I could have done something to spare this world from the enormous suffering it’s going through now.

Maybe I could have stopped wars, maybe I could have stopped suicide, maybe I could have stopped idiots from being (lol) well….. you get the idea.

Oooh oh I absolutely love the 50′s to 70′s era!!!!

Everything was just so much more classier back then. Men still bothered to wear ties and suits to dinners, women wore clothing with gorgeous cuts and fabulous designs (not ripped leggings, studs or any of that bullshit)

I prefer old fashion (vintage), and of course OLD MUSIC.


My FAVOURITE band of all-time is The Beatles.

I love the Carpenters and Queen and Eagles and all that other good stuff, but I don’t know, there’s just something amazingly extra special about the Beatles that makes you feel like they’re your best friend, your sole companion and the one who gets you through the shittiest of times.

There is never a day or a mood that a Beatles song cannot make better…

If you’re down in the dumps, Hey Jude will cheer you up. If you’re missing a loved one, Yesterday will keep you company… and of course, talent like that never dies – Paul McCartney’s music still appeals and speaks to my heart.

I first heard this song during “Everybody’s Fine” (one of the most heartbreaking movies I’ve ever watched, and it’s just so real.. you should watch it because it WILL make you cry)

And I got hooked onto it right from the very first verse… I now sing it to myself all the time, especially when I’m upset.

It’s so good to know that despite the greatest talents in this world are pretty much dead (Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson) we can still revisit the past and relive some of the most special moments in the history of music while listening to their everlasting music…

Music really completes me :’)

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And there you have it people, we’ve come to the end of my Superpower Monday post!!

It’s interesting to note how a supposed post about magical powers ended up linking back to all the actual reasons why I want to possess them.

It was fun to forget about all my troubles for awhile and just think about my hopes anddreams and fears and of course, superpowers.

Who doesn’t love superpowers.

Even if it means nothing to you, it means a lot to me!

I hope you can relate, if not, nevermind – then tell me,

What kind of Superpowers do you want to have for yourself?
Why do you want them and what would you with it?

Maybe if you think about it hard enough, you just might just find out a little more about yourself too.

Let your imagination run wild and it will take you to places you’ve never dreamt of going

xoxo,
Jess

Secret Sunday!!!

So I had the most brilliant idea when I was out with my family just now. (I had the PERFECT Sunday omg had so much fun ^.^)

I will be doing a weekly feature on my blog, where one random day out of the week, I’ll be blogging about certain topics that can be requested by you guys!!!

The most requested topic (can be ANYTHING at all that you want me to blog about) or the most interesting one would be the next week’s topics!

If there are no specifically suggested topics, then I’ll come up with something random myself.. Or at least this is the plan, if I manage to follow through with this.

The topics could be whatever, perhaps you’d like my opinion on a current issue, or maybe ranging from sharing hopes and dreams, to personal details, or memorable experiences and even funny / embarrassing moments!!!

So I’m going to go ahead and start the ball rolling…

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Since today is Sunday, I will name this post “SECRET SUNDAY!”

Inspired by the amazing website PostSecret

As the title suggests, I’ll be sharing with you guys a secret I’ve been hiding from everyone else and have never found the courage (or need) to tell anyone.

It’s kinda social suicide, but hey, at least it makes for a good blog topic.. I THINK.

Well here goes.


This story takes place back when I was about 15 years old and still in high school.

It was just one of those days when I was hanging out at my classmate’s place while lying to my mother that I had “school projects” to do (but really we were just surfing friendster profiles) and if only I knew that it was going to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

At that point in time, I had a “special” illness. Ok I wouldn’t really call it an ILLNESS per se, but there was definitely something wrong with me…

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You see, I had an infection… down south.

And if you don’t get what that means, I’m saying I had an infection down there. Like down THERE, DOWN there. You geddit?!?!


……………….

Don’t ask me how does one get an infection down south because I wouldn’t know!!!

I practice good hygiene okay but it’s probably one of those teenage girl problems we all have to go through, I talked to my friends when I had it and they’ve been through the same thing before.

This INFECTION down south makes everything really itchy and uncomfortable, and the worst part of all has definitely got to be the fact that it made me pee a LOT.

And not just pee a lot, it also made me

unable to control WHEN I pee.

I don’t know why, maybe the infection fucked up my bladder or labia muscles somehow (HAHAHAHAHA) but it was the first time in my life that I couldn’t control my urges to go to the bathroom!!!!

I would be like sitting in the living room, happily and innocently watching TV…. and suddenly my eyes go big and you’ll see me jumping up and sprinting to the bathroom because I need to pee.

And when I needed to go, I NEEDED TO GO.

I had no control whatsoever and it doesn’t even give me a warning. T____T

If I don’t go within a few minutes, I would pee in my pants.

…………………

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That very fateful day, stupid me decided that it would be a good idea to hang out at a friend’s place while having that infection and so I did, while taking necessary precautions.

I made sure I was wearing loose underwear (easy to take off HAHAH ok too much info here?) and that I was always near enough to her house’s toilet, so whenever nature calls, I could sprint there in time.

And everything worked out fine.

My friend had a good laugh at me when I told her about my situation, but at least she understood why halfway through our conversation and I’d suddenly jump up and run away.

We had a fun time at her place for a few hours, but it was getting dark already and time for me to go home.

I made sure to go to the bathroom one last time to “empty” myself out (this post is so vulgar) so that I wouldn’t have to pee on the way home…

We said our goodbyes, then I went downstairs and tried to flag taxis under her block.

It was during peak hour so pretty much every damn cab was taken…

I waited for about 15 minutes but no fucking taxi was stopping for me, and it was already quite late at that time (for a teenager to be out by herself), my mother was being very pushy and I started feeling like I needed to pee again so I was getting extremely desperate.


FINALLY,
after about 20 minutes, I saw an empty promising cab in the distance that looked like it might stop to give me a ride!

The problem was, as the cab was driving nearer and nearer to me, I could also feel my urge to go to the bathroom becoming stronger and stronger.

I told myself, “You’d better take this taxi or mummy is going to kill you for being late again” so keeping up that persistent attitude, I tried to hold my pee in… but when the cab was finally about 1 metre away from me, I HAD TO GO, LIKE NOW.

I knew that it was now or never!!!!! If I wanted to make it out alive.

I made a sharp U-turn and bolted towards my friend’s house (the taxi driver must have taught I was absolutely out of my mind for frantically flagging his cab and then running away)

but the fucking cheebye lift took so damn long to come down (I hate HDB lifts coz a lot of retards like to press buttons on every floor)

and by the time the lift came, I was about to burst and I was really jumping up and down doing the “pee” dance.

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You know the pee dance???

The one where you start shifting from your left foot to your right and making strange bobbing movements (usually while holding your crotch), hoping nobody around notices you’re going to explode?

Yea, that’s the only dance I’m good at.

Well anyway the other person in the lift was giving me very weird looks and I was so afraid I was going to urinate myself right there and then in front of him because that would be so awkward… Awkward indeed.

Fuck you stranger, what are you looking at?! Never seen a girl with a funky infection that desperately needs to pee dancing in front of you before????

All that time I could only remember thinking, “DAMN IT JASMINE! Why do you have to live on the 13th floor?!?” (it was years ago but I THINK she stays on 13th floor)


After about ten gazillion bajillion thousand years,
the lift doors finally opened on her floor and I rushed right to her doorstep, only to remember that her house doesn’t have a DOORBELL.

Suay max!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I seriously wanted to die,
and I can’t remember what I did next, but I probably took out my handphone and started dialing her number or simply yelled into her house,

“I’M AT YOUR DOOR! OPEN IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!”

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But the only thing I DO remember is that by the time Jasmine got to the door,

…I had already wet myself.

Like FULL ON peed in my fucking pants, my uniform was drenched and it was dripping down my legs and into my school shoes and socks (FML seriously) and I remember feeling very tragic and wanting to burst into tears.

I couldn’t keep it in (not my fault, infection ok!!!) and it just went everywhere and seriously nobody would ever want to be in that situation :’((((((

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!!?

I can’t really remember what happened next - like how the fuck did I explain to my classmate that I just peed all over her door step?

I remember the look she gave me though, and I’ll never forget how she laughed so hard at me and went “OMG, you peed yourself on my doorstep, omg.”

I think she was pretty grossed out hahahaha I WAS TOO OK!!!!!!!!!!

I just remember walking to her bathroom and washing myself up while constantly mumbling, “This is not happening… this is not happening” but it obviously happened because later on I had to carry home my urine-drenched uniform and socks in a smelly plastic bag.

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…..And the rest went down in history.

If that’s not one of the most embarrassing moments in my life, I don’t know what is!!!

Lucky for me, my friend was quite understanding and didn’t really make a big deal out of it (she knew I was “sick) and I hope she didn’t tell anyone!!!

Well I guess it wouldn’t really matter if she told anyone now, because I basically just told the whole world that I peed my pants outside my friend’s house on my blog.

CLASSY, JESSICA!!!!

….But yeah.

I don’t believe ANYONE’S embarrassing moment can top mine!!!!!!

We all know little children pee their pants, but I was in fucking high school for gods sake. And it was only 3 years ago, now that I think about it HAHAHAHAHA.

What the fuck man.

Thankfully that infection didn’t last for very long, it went away within a few days and I made sure I didn’t leave my house (or my toilet) at all during that period of time.

Don’t wanna urinate on TOO many peoples doorsteps… one’s more than enough, thank you!!!!

It was a secret that I’d kept for 3 years but since it totally doesn’t bother me now, I thought it’d be funny to share with you guys.

It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself sometimes!!!!! I mean, we all shouldn’t take life so seriously right?!? Don’t laugh too hard at me, maybe YOU will get an infection down south and pee your own pants soon ok!

Well I hope that this story was moderately entertaining or funny and that you didn’t get too grossed out while reading it LOL.


That’s the end of my Secret Sunday.

What about you guys?
What is YOUR best kept secret that you’ve never told anyone else?

It could be anything particularly or memorably funny, embarrassing, daring, or just downright wrong, like mine!!! LOL

You can leave comments anonymously if you don’t want people to see your real identity :)

If you’d peed yourself in public before, I would love to know HAHAHA. Oh and if you have any suggestions for next week’s topic, do tell!!

xoxo,
Jess
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