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Beautiful songs to soothe a hurting soul

Some of my all time favourite songs to listen to, especially when I’m feeling bruised and battered.

Listening to this playlist makes me feel like when I cry, the world cries along with me. And suddenly, I don’t feel so lonely anymore.

It’d be nice if somebody besides Coldplay would try to fix me.

xoxo,
Jess

Happiness is a decision

While typing my previous post, a burning question popped into my head:

What is happiness?

Because I realized in my second sentence of my previous entry, I said

“One day I’d be bouncing about in happiness, the next there will be moments of hysterical sobbing.”

The fleeting moments of happiness – is that REALLY considered happiness, or just an over-exaggerated word people throw around lightly in hope to convince themselves their life doesn’t suck that much after all?

I mean, if you’re laughing one moment, then sobbing the next, then cycle repeats – that can’t mean you’re truly happy, surely? Shouldn’t happiness be a safe, fairly constant feeling, and not unexpected whirlwinds?

While pondering over all this, I came to a conclusion.

That after so many years of wondering what happiness really is -

“Is it love? Is it the feeling I get when I’m starved and finally chomp down food? Is it achieving goals and fulfilling your dreams?”

I’ve decided that…

Happiness is a decision.

A decision to overlook all the shitty parts about your life, and to focus only on the good. Whatever that isn’t good, YOU CAN make better, if only you choose to.

It’s the decision to continue smiling once you’ve wiped those tears away, even when there seems to be nothing to smile for at the moment, it’s the faith that new beginnings will come your way.

It’s the ability to walk away from a treasured relationship completely broken-hearted, yet finding the grace in yourself to forgive those who’ve sinned against you and to open your heart to someone else again, in the future.

It’s the yearning to always improve the quality of life, and striving to be the best possible version of yourself you know you can be.

It’s the freedom of doing the things you enjoy, even if the returns do not pay your bills. Afterall, money has no true value unless you do something with it. Money can buy you a fancy car, a big house, and a private island but it cannot directly buy you pride and self-fulfillment.

It’s the expression of who you are inside, and ONLY what you really are, not the person you wish you were, or the person the people around you hope that you’d be.

It’s the peace of mind a person has when they tuck into their favourite food without having to worry excessively about calories and a diet.

It’s seeing the good in others, and yourself.

It’s being unafraid to feel different emotions and trying new things, even if it threatens to disappoint. Happiness is not about routine overwhelmingly positive emotions and safe decisions, it’s about taking risks and watching them pay off, and if they don’t, you can at least say you’ve tried your darnest instead of sitting at home all your life wondering what could’ve happened if you had done something different.

Regretting someone you’ve done is awful, but regretting something you wish you had done is worse.

It’s knowing that life isn’t always fair, but you do the best you can. And even if your best is not enough for other people, it should be enough for yourself. Nothing is ever perfect.

Which brings me to my final point – that happiness is not perfect.

It’s usually attached with sacrifice, tears, time and commitment.

Being happy doesn’t necessarily mean everything is going perfect, it just means you refuse to wallow in self-pity and slime and watch life pass you by.

Some people have it all on the outside, but have nothing but empiness on the inside. I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

So yes, I guess you can say, I’m emotional as heck, and life is no field of rainbows, but I’m still happy.

Because I choose to be.

xoxo,
Jess

Emotional

This week has been extremely emotional for me… a lot of ups and downs.

One day I’d be bouncing about in happiness, the next there will be moments of hysterical sobbing.

Oh well, the shitty parts don’t bug me for too long though, because like a wise man once said, there will be no happiness without a little pain. Without moments of sadness and loss to serve as the greatest reminder of how we are truly privileged in our happiest times, how else will we selfish, forgetful humans learn to constantly appreciate what we have?

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. So no matter what happens, I’m here to hold my head up high. Even if I have my teeny weeny moments of mental breakdown, such as going ape shit and breaking and flinging stuff in my room (a sort of tantrum I never EVER throw!) I know I’d better pull my shit together soon because I can only imagine it’s going to get tougher from here.

I would love to tell you guys all about my problems and let off some steam, but a lot of them are very personal (family-related) and I’m not a fan of airing dirty linen in public unnecessarily, so I guess I can’t say very much besides the fact that I’ve been very, very fucking stressed. But it’s a-okay, looking at pretty cupcakes on a near daily basis is keeping me somewhat sane, although that’s redundant to a point since making them constantly is what’s driving me insane in the first place!

Everyday, it’s either running errands, or replying emails (which is a new phobia of mine – opening my inbox, because there is always MORE work mails to reply to!!), or baking and decorating cakes, or playing Maplestory with Sam to keep him entertained, or cooking for family, and the few hours I actually have the time to myself, I choose to plonk myself down on my bed and fall asleep in exhaustion.

I swear you can see prominent-ish dark eye circles underneath my eyes now, a feature I didn’t have before!

People around me haven’t even been trying to make it easier on me either, in fact they are more often than not the cause of my problems.

And I realize in times of desperate need, I am REALLY the only person I can truly rely on. Friends and family are real swell and all, but no pillar is stronger than faith in yourself. Today after another mini mental breakdown, I am making a personal promise to love myself more.

Eat healthier (instead of always skipping meals), exercise more (yeah fucking right but there’s nothing wrong with comforting yourself), indulge in things I love more frequently such as photography, shopping, traveling (how long has it been?) and of course, blogging. I have realized that by neglecting myself, I have also inadvertently neglected my blog for quite awhile now. But I try to share as much with you as possible most of the time, going as far as a public online diary allows me to. Being politically correct is tiring, can I just the fuck the world and say how I really feel?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

xoxo,
Jess

Business Etiquette

So I’ve noticed something painfully obvious ever since I’ve started selling cakes online.

It seems like certain people take me less seriously nowadays just because… well, I am a cupcake seller. I know it doesn’t sound too impressive and all housewifey - sitting at home cracking eggs, melting butter and mixing batter, then decorating desserts with buttercream details and getting my hands all gready and stained with food colouring…

Definitely sounds a lot less flashy than going for photoshoots and being a so-called “model”, or being a “blogger” attending high profile social events and whatnot.

What I don’t get is… how people see that as a reason to treat me with less respect and seriousness just because my current “job” is lower down the social or business ladder?

Hello, it’s not as if I am a bloody low class hooker or social escort, can you show a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T for what I do?

Just because I choose to sell cupcakes online for a marginal profit, it doesn’t mean I’m HARD UP for money and that I desperately need your business or deserve your fucked up snobbish behaviour.

I don’t do this because I have “no choice”, I enjoy what I do and some things in life doesn’t have to be all about the money to me.

I’ll give you a prime example.

Recently, some chick I met (once) years ago messaged me on Facebook, saying:

“I have been noticing you been doing a lot of cakes and cupcakes. Possible to make a mother’s day cake? My wedding firm is hosting a mother’s day competition and we need to have a cake presented to the winner.

We can pay you, interested?”

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First of all, I find it insulting for someone to say “I have been noticing you have been doing a lot of cakes” instead of

“Hey, I’ve seen your photo albums of your cake, nice work! I’m interested in ordering some for my company because we this event coming up,…..”

It kind of gives me the impression that she’s implying,

“Well, I’m not really going to compliment your work since I’m not that big a fan, but I’ll settle for you anyway since Facebook is convenient and I have been noticing you’ve been baking cakes and I can’t be be bothered sending you a proper email with a business proposal or to look for another professional baker.”

Maybe that’s just me being anal, but it’s astonishing to find how many people lack basic courtesy when discussing “business”.

Business is not an excuse for you to act like a jackass.

I mean she is running a wedding firm, right?! Who knew they settled for just any baker? I was under the impression since wedding cakes are so expensive, they’re from top-notch bakeries.

The second annoying thing is how she asked, “Possible to make a mother’s day cake?”

…Darling, in this world, anything in this world is possible if you have the money.

So the question is, how much are you willing to pay me?

Then comes my answer.


..”We can pay you, interested?”

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?!?!?!?!

LOLOLOL. Am I the only one who let out a loud snort when I read that bit?!

I just pretty much started scoffing to myself at that point. I would’ve stopped reading her message right then if she had more to say, but the funny thing is she just ended the message with “We can pay you, interested?!”

Ssince most wedding planners offer such cut throat prices to their clients, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t be able to pay for a simple cake.

No shit? You CAN pay me? Oh wow.

Because cake makers don’t naturally deserve to get paid for what they do, right?

I was sorta under the impression I had to bake cakes for free for the rest of my life since my skills are so undesirable and useless and they’re just cakes, anyone can bake and decorate pretty cakes themselves. *shrugs*

……………

I mean please, if her wedding firm was reputable and she was willing to offer me something worthy in return for my time, sure, I am willing to do it without any monetary compensation.

But right fucking now all it sounds like is, “HAI, CAN I HAVE A FREE CAKE????????1111″

So anyways. I decided to be nice and reply her. With all my might, I managed to exclude snide remarks and the word “pig”.

“Hey *name omitted*!

Could you fill out the order form at http://shibertys.blogspot.com/ with more details?

Was my reply.

I know it sounds brief, but duh, I need to know the design, cake flavour / size and all that shit right????? Right now there’s nothing to say cuz she’s given me pretty much no info so far besides the fact

1) She needs a cake

2) She may or may not be willing to pay for it.

Her 2nd reply came after 3-4 days:

“Sorry but is it possible to discuss this off without the order form due to the circumstances. I own a company called *company named removed*, it is a wedding firm in singapore and we need a cake for mother’s day. Design is still uncertain. I was wondering if you would be interested in a mutual collaboration. Perhaps you making the cake at a discounted rate and let us do some free publication for you?”

………..

Huh? Due to what circumstances? I don’t get it.

And once again, she gave me NO EFFING DETAILS of what she wants / needs. Does she think I’m some genie who magically grants her all her deepest fantasies on the spot?

She makes it sound like my order form is a waste of time but it’s the only way I am going to get the necessary information quickly outta people like her. Instead of sending dumb messages back and forth going, “Oh, so what do you have in mind? What flavour? What size?”

God I hate working with people like this!!!!!!! So much freaking redundancy!

My favourite customers are the clear-headed sensible no-bullshit ones who specify everything they want, I reply them giving them necessary payment and collection details, then BAM! WHAM! THANK YOU MAM!

Job’s done.


What the fuck is a free “publication”???

I am not a book, so please don’t “publish” me!

Or did she mean free PUBLICITY? Maybe she wants to publish my name big big in one of her wedding catalogues?! I still don’t understand. I don’t see how a small scale wedding firm can generate more publicity for my business more than my own personal blog can.

Anyway I don’t believe her stupid publicity shit la. It’s not free if I have to do something in return for it leh. I used to make cakes for this guy’s club and he said he will give me “free publicity” also don’t have.

He said he’d upload pics of the cake to Facebook and credit me and give my details to his customers at the club also don’t have?! Give them discount for fuck? Coincidentally I also met this said guy from the same event I met the girl from. Birds of a feather flock together indeed.

Her 3rd reply came very shortly after:

“Would you be interested? Please do let me know soon.”

*facepalm*

This is another pet peeve of mine. I hate people (yes I throw the word hate around a lot, roar!) who end off their messages / email with “Please do let me know soon” or “Please reply ASAP.”

Because these people are usually last minute procrastinators who don’t bother to make important necessary arrangements for their events and as a last resort, they spring surprise last minute orders on poor people like me.

I don’t like being a last resort, and I don’t like last minute orders.

I can’t tell you how many times I have replied peoples questions / orders (almost) immediately, only to have them reply like 5 days later going,

“Great!!! It’s settled then. So, can I have the cake tomorrow?”

And to further convince me they would include some bullshit fact like, “I understand it’s last minute but it’s my best friend’s birthday tomorrow. Please!!”


WHAT?!

I don’t sit around waiting for people to reply my emails (Ok I lie, I do. *hides face) but that doesn’t mean you should expect me to do something for you whenever you want it to be done! How dare you expect such a request?? *glares*

It’s not like you are offering to pay me more. Also, if you had any sincerity at all, you would make all these arrangements or orders IN ADVANCE. Your lack of responsibility just shows you don’t give a shit about this, so why should I help you out?

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Meh.

So these are just a few of the many, many rude things I have noticed inconsiderate people displaying since I’ve started Shiberty’s Sweets.

People expecting me to work on less than a day’s notice, people who insult me by asking for discounts even when I’ve quoted them a competitive price…


Look, I am not a wholesale centre in Bangkok.

Every single one of my cupcakes are painstakingly homemade from scratch to the very last degree and you won’t find the same shit outside even if you tried. So don’t barter with me like I am some pasar malam knick knacks seller. I TAKE IMMENSE PRIDE IN WHAT I DO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

If you genuinely have not enough money to spare on cupcakes but would still love to try my creations, polite discussion is always open to people who are courteous enough. However if I know you can totally afford it but simply choose to be a cheapskate, it’s a completely different story and I WILL ignore your pathetic behaviour.

Some people even go to the extent of pretending to miscalculate the price I’ve quoted them, and they transfer like $10 lesser than required, then say they will pay when in person but they claim to not have enough cash on hand when the time arrives. I can’t possibly hold onto their order refusing to hand over the cupcakes… So I have to proceed to chase after them for payment for the next week or so.

This actually happened to me twice recently, and yesterday after like a week of chasing payment (always same reply: Sorry I didn’t do it today, will do it soon!)

Then I reached my limits and sent this girl a text saying “Look, now you’re really starting to piss me off. Can you stop being so irresponsible and annoying and just transfer the money already?? Or do you expect me to just forget about it?

To which I think I FINALLY got the message across to her, coz she transferred on the very same night after delaying for a week. Some people… TSK!!!

FTS! I don’t need this sort of business, so take your cheapskate behaviour elsewhere. I swear I’ve never experienced this sort of gross behaviour half as much as when I was doing photoshoots and blogging. Photographers used to pay generous amounts in full cash before we even started shooting!!!

I guess people are really superficial in this sense. When I tell them I write articles online as a part time job, they go OoooOoOh! and assume I’m very well-learned and sensible that’s why people wanna hear what I have to say

(part time writer aka blogger la but sounds fancier and a lot of people still don’t understand the term blogger properly)

Or when I say I stand around and take nice photos for photographers

(they go OOOH AHH so pretty ah model ah! to this day I still shudder when people use that word on me. sorry tyra banks and miranda kerr T_T it’s a disgrace to your work)

But people just seem to nod their head and go “Oh!” when I say I bake cupcakes.

Thus I think it is safe to concur the different treatment I’ve been receiving lately is highly related to do with the fact that baking cupcakes is dowwnnn the job ladder or in a job hiearchy sense.

Which is why I approve of using a grossly pretentious name such as “DELECTABLES’ ARTIST” or even better, a “Dolce Artista!!!!” which apparently means pastry chef in French (a reader sent in an email suggesting it lol)

Maybe that way people would be inclined take me more seriously -_-

To me, as long as someone is making a decent living using their own skills, they have a respectable job. I don’t look down on anyone who earns lesser than me, and neither does my customer or business etiquette differ according to the person’s paycheck.

As long as they don’t do indecent jobs like prostitution or drug dealing, why should people be judged negatively according to their jobs?

Billionaires and geniuses like the creator of Facebook definitely deserve a ton more credit for what he does, but it’s not fair to treat a taxi driver rudely just because he drives a taxi for a living.. agree? It’s ridiculous how immediate and significant certain peoples attitudes have changed. I’m not saying all my customers are terrible, most are amazing and easy-to-deal-with-people who are really appreciative of what I do for them and all but there are those who are just plain nasty. Had to have my little rant to let some steam off. You people reading this feeling guilty cuz you know you’re one of those people.. Ya should be ashamed of yourselves!

And it doesn’t kill to be polite to someone, even if you’re paying them money in the end. I don’t live to serve you. So please, have some fuckin’ courtesy, people!!!

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Hey, I may be a Dolce Artista, but I still wear Dolce & Gabbana ok!!
#amiwittyoramiwitty

xoxo,
Jess

Living Alone

I miss living on my own.

I don’t actually like being all alone, but I do enjoy quiet time with myself very much. As equally as I relish spending quality time with the people I care about.

The thing is..

I’ve been with Sam EVERY SINGLE DAY since November 2010, that’s coming to 5 months now – and frankly it’s driving me a little insane. It’s not that I have grown sick of him, it’s just that, I reallyyyyyyyyy miss being on my own. I miss being able to be me. In fact I miss me so much that I’m afraid I might lose that part of me if I live with him long enough.

Am I crazy to say that sometimes I feel like I am my own best friend? When I’m alone, I have little conversations with myself inside my head. It’s like I am free to do and say anything I want, because nobody is watching or judging me.

Solitude is almost enjoyable when you can keep yourself self-entertained as I do.

We all know quality time with your loved ones is important, but has no one ever noticed how important quality time for YOURSELF is, too? Self-reflection – something that hasn’t been happening enough for me recently.

So single people, rejoice because you get to experience these things that I don’t get to anymore:

#1) I miss not sharing my bed with anyone.


Godaaammmittt!

Can there be ONE night that I don’t have to stick to one side of the bed??

I WANT TO ROLL AROUND on BOTH sides AND ENJOY THE SPACIOUSNESS!

I want to lay sprawled out on the bed with my arms and legs fully spread out. I want to have ONE night that I don’t need wake up at 3am to search for my bolster because my boyfriend has stolen it from my grasp while I was asleep.

I want allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the blanket to myself, and I hate having Tug-O-Wars with my blanket with him!!

IT’S MY BLANKIE. T______T



MINE.

I know I sound so childish but what the bejeezus is the point of having an extra large queen sized bed if you’re gonna have to share it with someone else who happens to take up 3/4 of the space anyway?? My bf is the sort who steals blankets from people and takes up half of the bed while still saying

“No space, move over!!”


#2) I miss farting and burping whenever I like.
In my own room of course.

Bitch pleaaaaase.

There’s nothing like having to hold in your own farts in your own room. Where the fuck is the comfort of home, you tell me?!? If I cannot fart in my own house, WHERE in the world can I let it rip in peace?

I know I CAN fart and burp in front of my boyfriend, but I don’t wanna gross him out too much and too often now, do I? He does it in front of me sometimes and it really grosses me out because they fucking stink (yes, let’s admit it kids, farts stink) so I tryyy not to do it to him as much as possible.

Sometimes I burp in his face just for fun, then giggle about it and think I’m cute (I know it’s totally not cute) but that is a completely different story.

I’m now talking about the kind of farts that sounds like an elephant is having an orgasm in your asshole. Like an angry male lion that just found out he got cheated on by his lioness wife.

The kind of farts the rest of humankind should never have to hear.


#3) I miss waking up at my own timing.

Because if he wakes up, I get woken up too. I’m not a heavy sleeper, so the slightest movement will jolt me awake instantly. Gone are the days when I can just drift off to sleep peacefully (refer to point 1) and then wake up according to whenever my body feels like getting up.

NO. I’m thrown back into reality oh so suddenly even when my soul is still floating in dream land, because my bf got up at 7am to take a piss. I was dreaming of riding killer whales and being a supermodel too.

Well thanks a lot… not!!!

Stop ruining my perfectly good dreams!!!

It also seems that whenever I have good dreams, he wakes me up but when I have nightmares, I get undisturbed sleep. Because the world works in mysterious ways.

Oh oh oh which brings me to point 4.


#4) I also miss going to sleep at my own timings.

“Can you turn off the lights??”

“What? It’s only 3am!”

“…ONLY 3am?! Wtf are you talking about? I’m dead sleepy already!”

“But I’m not sleepy at all!”

“Why are you so inconsiderate?”

“Why are you so annoying???”

-___-”


#5) I miss playing my own music and singing Youtube karaoke until my lungs give up into the wee hours of the morning.

I love music. I cannot live without music.

Sam unfortunately has very weird taste in music. He only thinks certain songs are nice, and pretty much hates the rest of the songs he’s never been exposed to – he’s very narrow-minded that way. I, on the other hand, listen to a WIDE, wide range of songs. I don’t care about the genre, if it is a good song, then it’s a good song. (unless it’s a house / techno song then it is a shitty song)

I like anything from Beethoven Classical to Booty Shakin’ Black Rap to Bubble Gum Pop Katy Perry to Alternative bands like Weezer.

So half of the time, when I play music, he goes like, “Can you turn that shit off?”

Fuck my life!!!!!!!!!

Listening to the music you like is one of god’s given rights to humans!!!! One of my FAVOURITE things to do at home is singing in the shower

(“Why do you sing in the shower?”)

and singing Youtube karaoke from 12am to 4am

(“Why do you sing so late at night?”)

Now I cannot do any of that. :(

In fact, I’m blasting music and it’s 3am now and he got so pissed off that he went to sleep outside on the couch. WTF. I want to feel bad for him and be understanding, but I can’t. It feels soooo good to feel like this is MY room once again. I especially miss listening to Justin Bieber and songs with deep basses because apparently both of these things hurt his ears. A lot.

Whatever.

Guess which one of my favourite songs I’m belting out at the moment?? :D :D :D


ALLLLLLLLLL BY MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I wanna beeee… all by myself sometimes!

Eric Carmen, Y U NO appreciate your solitude? How else you think your singing got so good right??? Because you were All By Yourself and no idiot keeps telling you to STFU when you practice singing! DUH!


#5) I miss wearing granny underwear.

……And not getting judged for it.

So when you go to your boyfriend’s house or when you go on important dates, you wear sexy lingerie. At home, you wear underwear that looks like your Nanny picked it out for you.

ADMIT IT! If you wear sexy underwear even at home you must be a slut!!!!

Always invite guys over to have mass orgy right?

Anyway.

Stupid movies always portray actresses looking like goddesses going to sleep in amazingly exquisite pajamas from Victoria’s Secret
(are you kidding me? my PJs are all torn and tattered)

Like this:


YA FUCKING RIGHT.

Well it’s not totally impossible but like I said, unless you are a slut who’s waiting to get fucked every night you don’t sleep in something like that.

Sexually appealing night gowns us humans can still achieve by buying in stores, what’s reaalllyyy incredulous is when they show women in movies miraculously WAKING UP LOOKING LIKE THIS:


Sorry, not ever happening pumpkin!!!

Pretty sure more than half of us wake up looking like ogres / trolls. #truestoryimmarealwoman

Something about being women makes us deteriorate overnight. I think it’s safe to say we look a helluva lot better when we’re going to sleep instead of when we’ve just woken up and looking like Courtney Love getting wasted.


I KNOW
that every one of you actually wake up looking kinda like…


That.

N’aw, don’t worry.. Not that there’s actually anything wrong with it, sorta cute and human-like actually.

Yeah let’s face it, the world ain’t pretty and full of sparkles and rainbows. It’s full of disheveled hair and crap in your eyes and bad breath in the morning and clogged up noses and bloated faces and croaky voices.

Which also reminds me…

#6) I miss not waking up to bad breath.

Imagine this:

Boyfriend wakes up in the morning, turns over to you, kisses you on the forehead going “Good Morning Beautiful” and his lips turn upwards into a slight smile.

And you’re lying there, still groggy from the sleep and ALMOST in the romantic mood if not for the fact that his…………. breath……. bloody……

*reeks*

Reeks of last night’s dinner of pork chops you guys had!!! To think you thought cooking for him was a good idea. You now pay the price for being a fabulous girlfriend.

As he expects a favourable reply, you turn over to him, try your hardest not to gag or choke while breathing in his bad breath and also reply, “Good morning baby” in equally awful breath. I can’t think of a more unromantic way to start the day.

My conclusion? Mornings are never pretty. It has never been more evident since I’ve started living in with a partner.

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Ok, I think I’m going to jump at this opportunity. Since Sam is sleeping outside on the couch now, I’m going to happily flop onto my bed all by myself!!!


JOY!!!!!

I know this doesn’t sound like the usual me but dangggggggg if you have ever lived with someone for this long, you’d know exactly what I’m going through.

…FREEDOM, Y U NO EXIST?

xoxo,
Jess
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