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If you want to do something, do it.

Hello, 2013!!!

I spent the last day of 2012 with my family having lunch in the afternoon, then shopped around with my mum in the early evening before spending the night counting down with friends by partying and clubbing. And by partying and clubbing I actually mean playing board games, ordering in room service and lazing on hotel beds, but that’s totally cool with me. At least we got a pretty nifty view of the fireworks from Marina Bay Sands. I pretty much spend every special occasion here now…. it’s become a no-brainer kinda place to go when you need to be somewhere, anywhere but home.

It was my idea of a simple, but perfect day.

When I woke up on the first day of 2013, I looked around and told myself… everything doesn’t seem any different at all. It could jolly well be 2012 again, if not for the fact I celebrated the beginning of a new year last night. Everything and everyone looks the same…. got new year, meh? *cue Singaporean accent*

..That’s when it hit me, and I realized – it won’t matter if its a brand new year of life, unless you change your mentality about things and strive to improve yourself. It won’t BE any different, if you don’t set out with change in your mind, and determination in your heart. A change in date won’t bring about miracles to your life. You have to actively pursue improvement, heck, even perfection…. and if you want something you’ve never had, you’re gonna have to do something that you’ve never done before. Opportunities don’t come knocking on your door. You have to hunt the fucker down, follow him home then burst through HIS door, demanding to be noticed. And when you’re finally noticed, please, don’t get complacent. I think one of my biggest flaws is having a short attention span. I feel like I want something, I go out and do it, and when I’m sorta pretty good at it, I just stop completely. Before I ever reach “excellent”, I stop dead in my tracks at good.  I move on to my next target, only to find just being good doesn’t cut it in this world – and ultimately, everything was a waste of time because it amounted to nothing in the end. How I see it: You’re either great, or you’re NOTHING at all. This year is going to change that. I’m going to be FUCKING TERRIFIC at everything I want to be great at, and god forbid if I let 2013 become another year of “what ifs” and “if only”… then shame on me.

Here are some things I’m going to accomplish in 2013, aka my list of New Year’s Resolutions, in no particular order or importance (yeah right):

1) Make more money than I did last year.

I took a long break with my business because of some personal implications late last year. I’ve stopped baking for other people for so long, I’m almost afraid I’ve forgotten how to make pretty cakes. I hope I’m still good at it. Who am I kidding? I’m fantastic, lol. This year, I wanna take business to new heights. Whether its opening a physical shop front or supplying to cafes or just expanding my online business even larger. I’m going to be efficient when it comes to replying emails. I will try my best to reply rude people nicely, even if I want to punch them in the face. I will invent new yummy flavors, and I will keep people coming back for more. I will try my very best to never disappoint any customer or mess up their order, and I hope each and every one of them will eat my cakes with a big smile on their face. I am going to have a new website for my cakes, because the current one is god awful.

When it comes to blogging, I’m going to churn out great write ups for my sponsors and clients. I’m going to try my very best not to be late when submitting my drafts (the lord knows how guilty I am of this, I’m perpetually late for everything) and I will try to blog more often, even if it means shorter but frequent posts! I will try to not have super backdated posts, anything older than one and a half month is unacceptable. (notice how I say “try” for resolutions I’m not 100% confident I will achieve, lol) Hopefully, I’ll get a new blog layout too, it is time for a refreshing change!

2) Save some money from the money that I make.

I’m not bad at making money, actually. What I’m absolutely terrible at is SAVING the moolah that I make. I’m a true blue shopaholic. I can spend over $100 at Daiso, even when I only walked in intending to buy a single $2 item. When I go on shopping sprees, I some times spend close to a thousand on random stuff a day, and frankly speaking, I don’t make enough to support that sort of spending especially when its on things that I don’t NEED. I have this mentality of living each day like it was your last…. but unfortunately the idea doesn’t gel so well with bank accounts. Hopefully, I can set aside at least $500 of savings each month. That most likely doesn’t sound like a lot to most people, especially the sensible and responsible ones who do save up, but golly, I’d be darn impressed with myself I manage to save at least $300 a month. Hahah.

3) Lose another 7kg of fats.

You know, ideally, I would like to lose an additional 10kg on top of the 11kg ish I lost in 2012.. but I will be very happy with 7kg of progress. I have a whole year to lose that 7kg, which equates to about 500 grams per month. I could totally do that. I could easily lose half a kilo in a week if I wanted to! I just have to REMEMBER that I need to be on a diet (and exercise more frequently). Too often I just forget about dieting and being healthy and I just pig out or create excuses for myself…. I’m a happy UK size 10 right now, and even though I’m pretty confident of the way I look and generally am happy with my aesthetics, I still have flabby thick arms, thunder thighs, pudgy tummy and what not that could use a little (or a lot haha) of work. Now that I don’t have eu yan sang’s acupuncture treatment to give me the push, it will probably be more difficult…. but it’s still something I HAVE to do for myself.

4) Be more punctual.

I’m always god damn late, god damn it. It’s a habit I’ve had since I was a kid in school – late for school, late when it came to doing homework, late when I had to go back to the classroom after recess…. I struggle to grasp the concept of time. Some times it goes by so slow, some times it’s so fast. I need to be punctual with my appointments more often!!!! Because of my tardiness, I end up splurging on cabs when I could’ve taken the MRT when it takes the same amount of time to get there, but costs so much more. You can do this Jessica, it’s not that hard. Stop oversleeping late into the afternoon and taking too long to choose your outfits before you go out. I will plan my outfits the night before, so I don’t spend an hour ransacking my wardrobe, turning it into a warzone.

5) Maintain good relationships with the people I care about.

2012 was a pretty good year for my friendships and relationships. I made new friends I’m fortunate to have met, reconnected with a few older ones I’m glad to still keep and I found out who my real friends were, and who were the ones I didn’t need in my life. I shared a lot of laughs with people I didn’t expect to, which was great. I almost never argued with my mother or got into big arguments, I tried to be as civil as possible when it came to my father and hey, I’m still attached to my boyfriend of over 3 years. That has to count for something, right? I swear to always be there for the people who need me, and that I will put more effort into being a better person they can be proud of.  And I will try to love them for who they are as well, flaws, smelly breath and all. Also I will try to not use my phone to Twitter, Instagram and Facebook so much when I’m having social gatherings with people. Disconnect to connect. *chants 100 times…*

6) Floss my teeth more often.

Generally, I have very good hygiene. I don’t have dandruff or oily hair, I always smell pretty good even without perfume, I wash my hands after I pee…. but I’m embarrassed to say that my oral hygiene is something that needs help. I’m laughing that flossing my teeth is on my New Year’s Resolution list, along with making more money and losing weight. But yeah. There isn’t a whole lot of things I feel like I really need to improve on, except dental hygiene is definitely one of them. I’m going to floss my teeth after I finish typing this post. (*edit: I actually went to shower and floss my teeth halfway through the post. Now I have lickable clean teeth. Go, me.)

7) Keep my room nice to live in, and organized.

I’m a pack rat. I have 11 penguins in it, for goodness sake. It’s probably not THAT messy compared to some other girls’ rooms (I have witnessed horrible situations) but its messy enough to be kinda frustrating sometimes. I read a study once where it said living in a messy, unorganized or dirty room makes your life more unproductive. I think there’s some truth to this study!

8) Record more Youtube covers.

Uh-huh. So I finally plucked up the courage in October last year and I did one here

But I haven’t done any after that…. I know I can say I’m busy but I know its a lousy excuse. If you REALLY wanna get something done, you’ll get it done. I guess I became distracted. Honestly, the hardest thing was finding people to collaborate with coz I feel kinda awkward (and not so confident) doing it all by myself. It takes quite a lot of nerve. But I’m already in the midst of discussing a new cover with this really talented awwsuummm person…. so crossing my fingers we get together and record soon!!!!! I’m trying to juggle too many things at once, aren’t I? I can’t wait to show you guys what else I can come up with! I hope I can get one done by February. And yes these things take longer, and more effort than it seems….
If there are any musically inclined singers or instrument extraordinaire or videographers or anybody who would be interested in collaborating with me for a Youtube cover, drop me a mail at Shiberty@hotmail.com!

9) Get out of the country to see the rest of the world… at least three times.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much… or am I? Some people don’t travel at all, while others do it like every month. My mum happens to be one of those people. Envy!!! I want a relaxation trip, a shopping trip and a sightseeing trip. I totally wouldn’t mind going back to Australia again, I LOVE that place… there’s an endless amount of things to see & do there. Or if I’m really lucky I’ll get to go to a whole new country I’ve never been to before! Maybe Korea, Japan, Philippines, Europe, Hong Kong…. Anything but Malaysia or Indonesia again, please? LOL. Really bored of neighboring countries. Unless I’m going to Penang for the food or Bali for the shopping then I don’t mind. And, if anyone noticed, everything I’ve said in the paragraph above totally clashes with resolution number 2, Saving Money. Sigh. #firstworldproblems

10) I’ll keep number 10 open-ended for now.

I am actually rather worried that I don’t seem to have a lot of immediate goals in my sight. OMG am I an under-achiever??? Why doesn’t any of my resolutions include a cure for cancer? Why don’t I have bigger and wilder aspirations to share with you guys? This year I turn 21 and there’s no more excuses left for me. DISGUSTING. Me, 21 years old, officially an adult by law. I can’t pretend to be young and stupid and get away with things like lazing around any more. People will EXPECT me to be an adult and to be successful. What happened to 2012? It just went by like that. Scratch that, what the hell happened to my life from 16-20?

The older you get, the faster time passes. It really is scary. Now I know what all the old people mean by “in the blink of an eye”.

xoxo,
Jess

Housing Woes

Mega ranty post incoming!

….So I don’t know if you guys already know this, but I’m moving out soon. In fact, very VERY soon. The house I’m staying in has been sold and we’ve gotta be outta here by 14 November latest because that’s when the new tenants will be moving in. And all of our personal belongings have to be shifted and cleared as well…. That does not leave me with a lot of time!!! I haven’t packed or even DECIDED on a new place yet!
For the past 2 weeks, there’s only been one thing on my mind: Shifting houses.
It’s possessed my mind entirely and has been draining my mental energy. When I wake up, I think of shifting houses. Before I go to sleep, I think of shifting houses. In fact, some times I have nightmares in the middle of the night that I don’t end up finding a good place to rent and I’m forced to sleep on a bench in Bedok Reservoir where I will then get murdered and my body thrown into the water.
I get so stressed out about it, some times I curl up into a fetal position in a corner of my bed and cry. I really don’t like shifting houses and having to leave what I call home behind for some place else I don’t care for. Anyway. My house (not mine anymore, and technically I never owned it myself) was sold because it’s getting pretty old / and the pipes are all leaking, so much that there’s a holy coming through the roof.. She wants to get rid of it before things go to shit around here. (Which frankly, it kind of has, so different from its former glory a few years ago le sigh) She found an interested buyer in our unit and got rid of it the first chance she could. Of course, she made a lump sum of money in the mean time because she sold it for almost double the price she bought it for.
In the mean time, she’s bought a new HDB flat that will supposedly finish construction in 2014… and she’s invited me to go live with her. Right now she has another house of her own that she stays in when she’s in Singapore (she travels a lot) but she lives with her partner there, and it’s a pretty small place which won’t fit Sam, my brother and I. Besides, I think its weird if we bunk in with her partner in the same place, and it is also not right for Sam to move into my mum’s place with me. I mean he’s 26 years old now… we (he) should be getting our own accommodation. But of course I won’t leave him to rent a place on his own in Singapore, when he came here from Melbourne just to be with me. That’s just stupid and mean of me if I were to do it.
So until the new HDB in 2014 is ready to live in or until we’re independent enough to figure out our own long term housing, Sam, my brother and I will have to find a place to rent. Don’t ask me why my brother is also living with us… long story that I don’t wanna go into. So I’ve spent literally days of my time just browsing propertyguru’s website trying to find a suitable place to rent. It is extremely tiresome having to browse endless pages of listed properties, calling up annoying, manipulative and pushy agents (some are helpful, professional and kind though), setting up house viewing appointments in my already-busy-enough schedule, going down for numerous house viewings at godforsaken locations not easily accessible by public transport & raking up insane taxi fares…. Gawd. The worst part is, rent everywhere is so motherfucking expensive. Singapore is overpopulated as shit so property pricing is honestly through the roof.
To rent a 3 bedroom normal condo (not even a NEW or NICE or GOOD condo) just ANY condo will easily cost you $3500 these days. We need a 3 bedroom unit because there’s 3 adults. You may ask, “Why don’t you save money by getting a 2 bedroom unit instead? Sam & you one room, your brother one room.” 
No. Just no. Sam’s been living in my tiny room the past year and honestly its been hell. We have a lack of personal space AND storage space. I can barely fit my clothes into my wardrobe, how am I supposed to have space for his stuff too??? And there’s two computers + computer chairs on one tiny desk in my room right now!!! I can’t wait to have MY OWN room, finally. And when I’m angry at him and banish him from my room, he doesn’t have to sleep on the couch no more… he can have his own room too, lol. Living with a partner in one tiny room is very different from having them stay over once in awhile. Back to my point. 
RENT IS THROUGH THE ROOF. I’ve seen so many lousy condos (horribly maintained and just ugh, no better than a HDB, some HDBs have much nicer interiors and cost way less) and it kind of breaks my heart to think that I’d have to live in that shit hole AND pay $3500 a month for it (cost will be split between the three of us.) I don’t wanna live in a HDB because I’m a spoiled brat who has lived in one of the nicest condos in Singapore for the past 7 years so to ask me to suddenly move into an old HDB flat I think I may just break down & cry (which I’ve mentioned I’ve already did a few times haha). The condo I am staying in right now means a lot to me. To me, this is not just a house, this is the place I’ve spent the most important years of my life in. My life has changed so incredibly much since the day I moved into this place but the only thing that hasn’t changed is home itself, and I can remember the first time I moved here like it was just yesterday. Before my mum bought this condo, we weren’t doing very well, and had to live in some less than desirable conditions like putting up at a family friend’s place longer than we would’ve liked to stay…. I’d never stayed in a place for longer than 3 years and I couldn’t really call any of the places “home”, when some times I lived with strangers. Savannah is the only place in the world I think of when I think of home. I’ve invited countless number of friends over to my place because I am always so proud to show it off. Some people may not like inviting guests over but I absolutely LOVE it. I think of all the memories made here, with my old secondary school friends, my ex boyfriend, friends that I haven’t seen for years and will probably never see again, the number of times I’ve cried and buried my head into this pillow on this bed and the number of blog entries I’ve churned out sitting in this very same spot at my computer table for the past few years…. It’s all so very nostalgic….. I can’t imagine I have to leave it behind so soon. I want to embrace change with open arms, but I’m a coward. Once I’ve found a good thing, I don’t want to EVER let it go, even if there’s a chance there might be something better waiting for me out there. I just want to cherish what I have right now. 
My condo (for the next 2 weeks at least) has the prettiest grounds ever. Walking around it makes my heart content. It’s by no means the most luxurious, but it is homely, cozy and absolutely unique. It’s themed like an African safari and there are mini waterfalls, a gorgeous pool, a fake volcano with a fun water slide, elephants + giraffes + rhino  leopard statues……. I am honestly so lucky to have lived here the 7 years that I did. 7 years on and I’m still wowed and awed every time I take a walk downstairs. It’s like I’m living in a resort permanently. I’ve got the nicest next door neighbours that I’m so gutted I will not be able to see often any more. I wanted to watch the little two kids next door, Sarah and Isaac grow up. I wanted to spend many more Sundays with them baking, cooking, eating, playing and laughing. I don’t understand why selling the house couldn’t wait another few years, but I grew tired of arguing with my mother and questioning her decision. I guess its her decision, not mine, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it, even though I tried to prolong it for as long as possible. I don’t think anyone else knows how I feel about living here because they never had the experiences I did. Some of my fondest memories include the simplest ones like taking a spontaneous morning with my brother and Sam or just having a long heart to heart chit chat by the pool with a girlfriend I haven’t seen in a long time and miss so much. Am I being completely ridiculous and over dramatic by saying I feel like I’m giving up a part of me? It is so scary to move on and to be suddenly “evicted” by this. Its not exactly sudden because I’ve had many months notice…. but still…….. I could never truly wrap my head around the idea.
Then it dawned on me and hit me like a brick. The time has come, and the time is now. All good things come to an end some day. Time to step out of my comfort zone and into the real world, where lodging isn’t free and mama isn’t always there to shelter you.
Back to house hunting. Eventually I put aside my pride a little and went around sourcing for HDBs too instead of just condos, thinking I’d save a lot on rent. Boy was I wrong. Some lao pok old HDB also asking for $3.5k!!! Not even nice, not even close to the MRT or anything. Seriously wtf it makes no sense at all. I was almost on the verge of giving up, but by some miracle… 
I managed to find two very very attractive units that have very reasonable rent. I was so relieved and happy when I viewed the houses, you have no idea. My only problem now is that I can’t decide which one is better for me (and the people living with me.) And I may need some second opinions. Let’s evaluate the two units which I have to choose between by this weekend. I’ll list everything I like about it, and everything I don’t.
1) Yishun, condo, asking $3k/month. Fully furnished (we’re leaving 90% of our furniture behind for the new tenants ugh mum’s decision that’s why rent is more ex)
Positive factors: It reminds me of my current place. 
Nothing can match up to my dear Savannah ever, but its still nice and has a hugeeee inviting looking sparkly pool. Well maintained and the interior of the place is cosy. The moment I walked in, I could honestly see myself living here (at least for the next year or two). I didn’t feel this way about any other units I’ve seen. It wasn’t fancy but it didn’t need to be. It was homely, simple, and I like the general design / feel of the whole place the most out of all the house viewings I’ve been to.  Master bedroom will be mine and the size is good. Comes with a modern attached bathroom with a bathtub, plus points! Built in oven and decent sized kitchen that hasn’t been used much, another bonus. 
Negative factors: It’s in Yishun. 
My bro and Sam work at Shenton together and they both need the train to get to work. To get to the train, they needa take the shuttle bus from the condo to the train, and then 13 stops on the train. That will take approximately one hour to get to work… Kind of far for them. :/ Location wise was also rather inaccessible & secluded because there isn’t a bus stop outside the condo, you’ll need to walk a fair bit and there is no shops nearby at all. It’s kind of in the middle of nowhere. The location doesn’t bug me as much, because I stay home a lot and the only place I go to often is Orchard and Somerset which is all along the red line anyway and I cook quite often at home, but I’m thinking about Sam and my bro. To get to work will not be an easy thing everyday… Also, if anyone wants to collect cakes, I wonder if Yishun is too far? Although technically its a lot more central than Simei which is super far east, right?

2) Novena, walk up apartment, asking $3.1k/month. Fully furnished.
Positive factors: It is less than 5 minutes walk to Novena MRT station.
Bus stop right outside, just oppsite is a lot of food places, shops…. the location is amazeeeeballs!!! Novena station to Orchard station is only 2 stops. Which means I can step out of my house and reach Orchard in 15 minutes by public transport. Mind boggling. The pricing is also very reasonable considering its so convenient! Getting anywhere will be fast and easy, settling food or entertainment will also be a piece of cake. I’ve got access to more than 20 food places with a 5 minutes walk. I don’t think I’ll ever need to cook again.
Negative factors: I may just never cook or bake again, for real. 
The kitchen is very blah, and doesn’t even come with built in stoves or oven, its just one bought stove top that’s plugged into the electrical socket.. Omg the kitchen basically does not exist. The house layout is nowhere near as cosy or nice as the Yishun one, but its decent / livable. I do hate the fact it only has one toilet though. I don’t like the house design at all but I guess I could put up with it for the sake of the convenience. I suppose I’d be out a lot more because its easy to get around and because there will be no swimming pool or facilities for me to use… no point staying home if your home ain’t very nice. The apartment is also incredibly old looking from the outside, which I don’t really care that much about, but its still a factor. My main concern is that there are NO LIFTS, and the unit is on the 5th floor. LOL definitely going to have slimmer thighs. But I’m not worried about being tired, because after one week of climbing the stairs, you won’t even notice it that much. I’m thinking, how the fuck am I going to go up and down 5 flights of stairs with TWO TIERED WOBBLY CAKES in my hands??? A total absolute nightmare! Transporting a two tiered cake on solid level ground, or any cake for that matter, is already stressful enough. They’re fragile. Add 5 flights of stairs and you have a perfect recipe for disaster. If I stay at the Novena one, I basically have to stop doing cakes almost completely, because the kitchen is not suitable for it and the god damn stairs are not easy to go up and down to hand the cakes to customers either. They’re narrow, small steps and it gets slippery when its wet (I went house viewing when it was raining and the first thing I noticed was how dark and slippery the stairs were) So… I probably have to give up my baking and find a new source of income. Easier said than done… -_-
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And yeah. So that is my huge ass dilemma I have to face right now. Gotta make a decision by the next 3 days latest coz I’m going overseas on a blogger trip with Nuffnang on the 5-9 November. I can’t believe how much I’ve typed in the past hour wtf. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY I EVEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS…. *sigh* Why now??? Now is seriously NOT the best time for me.

I feel kinda better after getting this load off my chest. I’m going to have a lot to brood over the next coupla days, but for now I need to busy myself with some last few cake orders I’m doing before I go on a baking hiatus while I’m shifting houses, so off I go. For those who have read the whole chunk of frustrated text, you’re awesome. I thank you for sharing part of my burden with me.
Bye.
xoxo,
Jess

You cannot unsee this

These days, things for Sam and I have been looking pretty solemn, serious, scary, steady.. whatever you wanna call it.

He’s been newly hired for a full time job, and we’re looking for a place to rent as we prepare to move out of my family home in End October / Early November this year. I’m going to be saying goodbye to my home of 7 years, and I don’t know how to feel about it. This condo in Simei is the only real home I’ve ever truly known. So many memories here, with friends and family alike…
Now, with things taking on such a serious tone, naturally I wonder where my romance and relationship is headed towards. Am I ready for my next big chapter in life alongside Sam? Previously he just moved into a house I was already living in. We didn’t have to pay rent, much of the bills, or live in a place of our own. Thousands of questions race through my mind every day as the date and inevitable draw closer. Goodbye teenage years and childhood forever, hello adulthood and responsibilities. Not many people move out before their 21st Birthday, especially in Singapore where most stay at home with their parents until they get married…. not exactly an easy or ideal situation to be in.
A lot of people also turn up the pressure and stress factor by several notches when they ask us, “When are you guys getting married?”……. 
At first I laugh and think they’re kidding but I look at the expression on their faces and realize they are not. ‘Scuse me!!!!!! For the record I am ONLY turning 20 years old on the 20th of September 2012, you don’t ask someone under 20 when they are getting married! How age-inappropriate is that question??? There are some things you just don’t ask people. Like asking a fat person if they’re pregnant or a black person if they’re from Africa. Just don’t. 
Anyway, I’m not sure I want babies any time soon. Definitely not before I turn 28 at least. Older people talk about how it’s best to have a baby before you turn 25 but I’d like to stay young for as long as possible. My tummy is bulgy enough without a baby inside of it thankewverymuch. I love playing with cute, well behaved babies, as long as they’re not mine.. Like my neighbor’s 1 year old.
Can you imagine if Sam and I had babies? Holy shit.
Sometimes we’d think dreamily about the future, fool around and utter things like, “Our daughter would have your long silky gorgeous hair and glowy skin, and of course my profound intelligence (which I have to argue there is a lack thereof)”. I gave the concept a little more thought and wondered what attributes of myself I’d love for my kids to have. Sam and I make a pretty killer couple. To be honest, I could probably get by just fine without him…

I’m great on my own. So is a pair of classic and plain red soled Louboutin stilettos.

But then you go and add some cool spikey studs all over it to spice up the whole thing and it’s something new and infinitely more brilliant altogether.
You are the silver spikes to my Louboutins, Sam. 
(Except I don’t have a pair… I wear Havaianas) But I love you anyway. I am however, extremely apologetic to say that the visual aspects of our marriage & future family isn’t looking so good…. Remember how we used to say “if she had my hair, your face, my wits, your skin” kind of sweet nothings? Yeah, that isn’t really going to work out.
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And this is why.

I………
I just…………..


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No, this isn’t a break up announcement on my blog, or anything of the sort..
But I just don’t know if I could love my daughter, if she looked like that. Know what I’m saying?!
Let’s agree to put baby making off the list for now (or ever).
xoxo,
Jess

Guilt & relief, conscience VS justice

I’m struggling to deal with so many emotions right now, but my brain just can’t seem to process my thoughts and experiences properly. I don’t even know where to start, all I know is that I need some place to vent and release my frustrations. Since I have no one suitable to talk to in real life, I found myself jumping onto the computer, furiously typing away. Everything appears to be a huge jumbled up mess and I’m not even sure how I got myself here in the first place.

I have to get this off my chest. I called the police on my maid yesterday. I picked up the phone, and before I could stop myself, dialled “999″, told them my situation & address, and within 15 minutes they were knocking on my door. And just like that, after three hours of taking statements, photos of physical evidence and a total of 8 different officers and investigators going in & out my house.. they took her away in handcuffs. I still cannot get that scene out of my head, I don’t think I will ever be able to, and it horrifies me that I would be the one to put someone else in that position.

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Some of you might already know that I have been dealing with maid woes for a long, long time. In a nutshell, my domestic helper annoying, defiant, dirty (like really unhygienic), incredibly lazy, a big liar to say the least.. since she’s been employed, shit always goes missing around the house (jewelry, money, even underwear)… Speaking of underwear, she was cleaning the floor one day and bended over wearing a low-cut pants so I accidentally saw that she was wearing MY La Senza underwear on her butt. Underwear thief!!!!!!! And jewelry? Well my mum has had a few expensive branded bags go missing for starters, and the Chanel necklace that Sam gave me for our anniversary also magically disappeared. That pissed me off a lot. It’s not even about the money. What I’m angry about is that the item has so much sentimental value, and yet it was just taken away from me like that, probably now sitting in some pawn shop some where. To think that I lived with the thief for months and months after that infuriates me. I’ve barely touched the tip of the iceberg. I wonder why I let myself go through this torment.

So let me just give you a brief introduction about my maid.

My domestic helper, let’s call her Y*… Was employed 1 year plus ago, before Christmas time. When she first arrived, I thought she was lovely. I honestly did. I thought she was sweet, polite, and better than my previous few maids. I believe I even tweeted nice things about her when she first arrived. Unfortunately for us, that was only at the start, her attitude changed completely after a few months.

Now, they say most maids are only nasty towards their employers if you aren’t nice to them. Like if you overwork them, don’t feed them nice enough food or are rude to them, they will be very stubborn and rebellious. I’d like to think I have been nice to Y* from the start. Definitely not so much towards the end, I’ll have to admit,… but at the start, yes. Since her arrival was close to Christmas time, I invited her to hang up X’mas decorations with Sam & I. We hung ornaments on the X’mas tree together, and I respected her enough to change the placements of the way I hung my ornaments because she said it wasn’t nice. Now, this probably means absolutely nothing to a person reading this statement, but I believed that by respecting her opinion however insignificant it may seem, listening to what she has to say and inviting her to take part in family-orientated activities will make her feel less like a stranger and hopefully more like family. In return, I wanted her to do her work properly and be nice to my family & I. I didn’t want to live with a stranger, I had hoped to live with a maid I actually liked. I remember it was New Year’s Eve in 2010 and I didn’t want her to spend it counting down all alone at home (we were all going out) so I insisted on taking her along with us to view the fireworks at Marina Bay Sands. My family members were flabbergasted at why I’d want to take the maid out on New Year’s Eve but when I saw the smile on her face as she gazed up into the night sky in awe of the fireworks, I thought to myself, “it’s worth it.” Worth the taunting and eyeball rolling I had to endure from my family. Since I was a little girl, I’ve had many many different maids, more than I can count on my fingers. I’ve had great, good, bad and horrible. I certainly never thought this one would go so wrong.

Don’t ask me when, how, or why… But along the way, after a coupla months, Y* just respected us less & less. The way she talked to us was less polite, and she tried less often to please. Eventually she just became downright bloody fucking annoying, for example, asking question every single question twice (on purpose).


Case Study 1:

Me: “Can you pour me a cup of orange juice please?”

Y*: “With ice, or without?”

Me: “No ice.”

Y*: “Ice ah??”

FFFFFFF. -_-


Case Study 2:

Me: “Hey, we are going to make dinner, chop some garlic.”

Y*: “Onions also?”

Me: “No, just chop garlic will do.”

Y*: “So garlic only ah??? You don’t want onions ah???”

OMFG!! I know it sound so insignificant but try living with somebody so retarded that they ask you EVERY question twice, on purpose. To have to repeat yourself over and over is no fun. I’ve already told her, “Don’t ask me questions twice! Just listen when I tell you the first time” but she doesn’t care. At first I thought she was just being meticulous, like she wanted to make sure she doesn’t do the wrong thing.. which is fair enough, because a careful & annoying maid is better than a careless maid who could care less.

But after asking if I’d like some onions with my garlic and me saying no, she will STILL chop some motherfucking onions!!!!!!!!! I SAID NO RIGHT. T_T Or, worse, she will chop only onions, no garlic like I had originally asked for. I’m pretty sure she’s not deaf, she hears me fine, but chooses to go against me just for the heck of it. Wtf is wrong with people like that? Take note that I am not talking about individual, unique or isolated incidents. She does wayyy more annoying things everyday but if I told you all the examples this post would 20k words long.

Being annoying, is something difficult to swallow, but I can still handle. You don’t call the police on someone for being annoying. Besides being annoying, another star quality about her is also being lazy.
For people who have had enough maids, might’ve noticed that a lot of them will get quite lazy sooner or later (which I sort of understand) the real question is – to what extent?


Case Study 3:

Me: “Hey, can you cling wrap this cake (a cake fresh out of the oven) for me? I’m rushing to go out now and will not get back till late at night and I will need to decorate it later.”

Y*: “Ok! Bye!”

Me: *goes out….. comes home 5 hours later, and sees the cake on the table…*

The cake was PATHETICALLY cling wrapped.. in fact I wouldn’t even call it being cling wrapped. There’s a piece of flimsy cling wrap carelessly placed on the top (barely enough to stretch over to the sides) and the sides and underneath are completely exposed. That’s like asking a person to put the cake in a box, but they put a piece of cardboard on the top of the cake instead. WTF?

I was so angry because the fresh out of the oven cake that was still moist & fluffy is now hard and crusty and dry because it’s been exposed to the air conditioned room for so long and all the moisture is all sucked out of it. Now, it needs to be baked again, and I’m running very short on time because the customer is coming to collect it soon, and if I can’t finish it on time, I’m screwed. So I have 2 choices, give the customer a dry and crusty cake or risk not finishing on time and making the customer angry. I chose the latter, thankfully the customer arrived late as well.

All of this could’ve been prevented if she could be arsed to cling wrap it properly, but no!!! She just can’t. She has really taught me the strict lesson of “If you want something done, do it yourself” because she just can’t seem to get anything right. Now you can argue and say “why didn’t you cling wrap it yourself?” but to that I say fuck you. That’s as good as saying, “why don’t you do the housework yourself?” I’m paying the maid a monthly salary and providing her food & accommodation, do I not have the right to ask her to cling wrap something for me? Sigh. Little did I know she can’t even complete a simple task like that. She knows perfectly well how important it is to keep the cakes cling wrapped (we do it all the time and show it to her) but she just cannot be bothered. When I confronted her about the poorly cling wrapped cake, she sulks, then looks at me and go, “I wrap! I wrap already!!! What is this plastic on the cake if I never wrap?” …#holyshitsomebodypassmeagun

Laziness aside, sometimes I think she’s pure evil, because NOBODY could be this evil.

I was going to cook one day, when I saw that a whole lot of ants had gotten into my salt/sugar cooking jar, as it wasn’t properly sealed. I didn’t reprimand her for not storing the kitchen supplies properly (could’ve been prevented if it was shut tight, but I thought, ah heck honest mistake) so I handed the jar to her and said, “Hey, clean this, there’s ants all over it and even crawling around INSIDE it, look!” and she took it off my hands. I forget about the jar, and didn’t check to see if she did clean it or not.

A few hours later, I return to the kitchen to cook a meal. So here I am, fussing over my frying pan, cooking up a storm… she stands beside me, and then I ask, “Hey, can you pass me some sugar?” and she hands me the very same salt/sugar jar I gave her to wash before, still full of sugar/salt, but without the ants. I noticed that the amount was exactly the same as before, except this time, the jar wasn’t filled with ants. It didn’t necessarily look any cleaner.


Case Study 4:

I raise an eyebrow, and questioned, “Did you clean this?”

Y*: “Yess!!! Yes I did!! *defiant tone*”

Me: “I’M ASKING YOU. *raises voice* Did you clean this jar? Did you pour out all the salt / sugar, wash it with soap and water to get rid of the ants, or did you just clean the outside and scoop out the parts that had ants in it? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?!?!?”

Y*: “I clean what….. You never say to throw away.. *sulks even more with a pouty face*” (hate her sulky face, she never apologizes, just sulks like fuck)

OMG. She was going to give me ants-infested salt & sugar to use in my cooking for food that I was going to feed my family with!!!! She probably just swiped the ants away with her hands and dug out the rest burrowed in salt / sugar and then confidently handed me the jar to use. I cannot imagine how evil or heartless she can be. Has she no conscience? This has way passed the stage of stupidity or laziness. This is a lack of a  conscience. I was absolutely disgusted, but not surprised.

Unconvinced?  (sorry I just need to rant some more ok)

Case Study 5:

Me: “Hey, defrost the minced pork in the fridge please, I’m going to cook dinner.”

Y:* “Okay.”

I return to the kitchen half an hour later, ready to cook.

Me: “Minced pork defrosted already?”

Y* “Ya, ya… *hands me a bowl full of meat*

I hastily marinate the meat, as my grandmother is hungry and I’m making her dinner. She cannot eat too late because she will have gastric or problems digesting her food so I need to hurry up. I heat up my frying pan. I start to cook the “pork”. As it is cooking, I get a whiff the aroma, and frown. Hmm… something’s not right. This doesn’t smell like pork. What is this???

Me: “Is this pork??? Why does it smell and look like beef?” (you can only tell when it’s being cooked otherwise looks the same.. just minced)

Y*: “You said beef what. *rolls eyes*”

Me: “WHAT THE FUCK? (I literally said this out loud lol) I said minced pork!! I said pork, and you said ok! Why you didn’t tell me it was beef, only until after I fry it, then you say it’s beef?!”

Y*: “I hear you say beef. There is n-no.. no pork in the fridge ok.” I can tell she is lying, because she’s flustered and stuttering. She always stutters when she lies.

By this time my blood is boiling. I stomp over to the fridge, open the freezer compartment, and the first thing that I see is a packet of minced pork that has a label that says “minced pork – 250g” and a stupid damn cartoon flying PIG plastered on the packet staring back at me.

Me: *waving the packet of minced pork around in the air like a mad woman* “WHAT IS THIS??? Pork right?”

She replies, “Ya, but I didn’t see it, really! Just now it wasn’t there. If I see, I give it to you! Really!!!”

I’ll tell you why I am so angry. It is not because I don’t get to eat minced pork, but minced beef instead. No no no, this is not a #firstworldproblem or a #gluttonproblem. My problem is, the beef packet was actually UNDERNEATH the pork packet, so she must have took a look at the pork, then realized there was beef and gave that to me instead, hoping I will not notice.. it does look the same, after all. I know she wouldn’t know this, but it doesn’t taste the same.. at ALL. Why would she do that? She’s Muslim, she can’t eat pork. If I cook beef, at least she can eat it. That is how selfish she is. She is super lazy, and the only thing she cooks for herself is maggi mee or fried rice, she never cooks even when I give her full permission to use my groceries to feed herself.

Besides her selfishness, I was so upset because my GRANDMOTHER cannot eat beef due to religious beliefs as well. It so happened I was making one of her favorite dishes for her dinner, vegetables with minced pork, but now she doesn’t get to eat that despite hungrily waiting for me. I have to leave her disappointed. I’ve already mixed the vegetables in with the beef, and to defrost a brand new packet of frozen minced pork would take too long. I had also intended to save the minced beef to make hamburgers for Sam the next day. Now everybody loses. I can confidently say it was no honest mistake by my maid. I know her inside out by now, all her evil tactics and scheming. I can tell when she’s lying, and when she’s not. So easy to read. Maybe after reading a few of these examples, out of the hundreds I’ve experienced, some of you may understand why I dislike her so much.

I have tried being nicer to her, in hopes that she will mend her ways, for example when my mother was overseas and couldn’t be around to give Y* her monthly salary on time, I offered to pay her out of my own pocket in advance so that she may enjoy her upcoming day off (she gets once or twice a month)

Instead of being grateful, she was meant to make breakfast for my grandmother in the morning – she didn’t, just rushed out of the house. Was meant to be home by 6:30pm, came home at 7 plus instead. LATE + didn’t do her job, and didn’t even say sorry for being late or thank you for helping me advance my pay. What kind of ingrate is she, you tell me??? How to be nice to somebody like this?

Eventually, I gave up hope on her, and realized some people are just #bornthisway. YOU CANNOT FIX OR HELP THEM. Your kind actions will only be backfired.

I’ll give you one final case study, that happened yesterday…  leading to the climax of this situation.


Case Study 6:

Yesterday, my friend N came over to the house to hang out. At about 3:30pm, we decided to go out for lunch, and as I was getting changed, N went downstairs to get his car out of the carpark and waited for me at the lobby. I looked in my handbag. There was $280 in cash. Not wanting to bring so much cash out, I took $10 and my card, then left the house. So there was $270 left in my bag.

I went downstairs and got into N’s car. I suddenly realize I’d left something else in my handbag that I forgot to bring down. I ring the maid Y*, to bring down my handbag for me. Knowing she has a history of stealing stuff, I was kind of worried she might take my money again. BUT, I told myself, if she does, I will call the police this time. I have been so damn tolerant and forgiving towards her. But I was not in the mood to be fucked with (I was having my period, so FHL also, sometimes I will just say “forget it” but not today).. I wouldn’t ask her to bring down my handbag if I didn’t need something in it – surely she knows this and is smart enough to refrain from stealing this time? If she steals money that I left on the table and totally forgot about, I CAN understand her reasoning. But this time, it’s something I’m completely aware of, I use that handbag everyday, and I was requesting for it’s presence. Surely she is not that daring.

She came down with my handbag after 5 whole minutes. She hands it to me. She hastily goes back up. I start to count my money.

$210 left.

WHAT.

*counts again, and again, and again…. looks at N with a bewildered look*

Yup. $210.

A fifty dollar note, and a ten dollar note, a total amounting to $60 went missing.

FUCK FUCK FUCKITTY FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! No, this can’t be. No, that bitch had better not touch my money, KNNBCCB! I ran out of N’s car, and went upstairs to my house. I was totally overcome with anger, because this time, I’M SO SURE.

Other times when I lose my money, or when I lose my clothes / necklaces, I can’t remember the exact details, like the last time I’d seen it or where I’d placed my purse… and I dare not make a police report against her because I NEED to be really sure before doing something so drastic. This time, I was really fucking sure. It was just minutes ago that I was upstairs in my room counting my money. There was no one else in the house except my old grandmother and brother who was still sleeping. They do not steal. Y* does.

Overcome with anger, I literally ran all the way from the car to the corridor to my house. I banged on the door, and when she opened the door, she looked at me. She knew. She knew that I knew what she did. I can tell by the look of fear in her eyes. She probably saw the fire in mine.

I said in a stern tone, “I know what you did. Give me back my money NOW, or I will call the police. If you just admit your mistake and give me the money, I will forgive you. But if you don’t, I’ll call the police right now.”

Y*: “Money? I never take your money!!! I SWEAR!!!”

She then starts to shout back…. and then swears more… then challenges me. “OK LA, YOU CALL THE POLICE! I NOT SCARED, I NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG.”

I didn’t think I’d do it myself, but I picked up the phone and dialled 999. An operator answers. I ask, “what happens if I suspect my maid has stolen money? can I ask for assistance?” ….Within 15 minutes, police officers were ringing my door bell.

And the rest was history. I’m not sure if it’s legal for me to reveal exactly what happened between the police, Y* and I, but after 3 hours + of investigation, she was brought away in handcuffs in a police car. She never once appeared to be remorseful, or apologetic. She was so cocky.

So cocky, in fact, that she challenged the police: “Why don’t you search and question N as well? He was also in the house!” Because N was already downstairs by the time I last checked my money, you evil witch!!! How dare you try and get my friend into trouble to save your sorry ass?!?…. At first, all I felt was anger, then after I calmed down, what I felt was sadness. I felt really sad for her when I saw them flipping through her stuff and questioning her and then finally handcuffing her before my very eyes. That moment was completely shocking to me. I knew that criminals deserve to be handcuffed and be put away, especially when they take me for a sucker AGAIN AND AGAIN, but I still felt awful inside. I do hate her in so many ways and have actually WISHED for this very moment many times before, but to see it happen…. also didn’t feel right. I wish someone else had made the police report instead, I wish someone else had their things stolen, so that I wouldn’t have to be the one feeling all the guilt, but I could still see justice being served. I guess in this way, I’m also quite naive and stupid. I’d like to think I’m not a cold-hearted person. I don’t like to see people in misery, and she was in handcuffs right then.

“Jessica, you crazy ah? If you didn’t want her in handcuffs or in jail, why did you call the police?”

I felt so crippled with guilt at night that I could barely sleep. Tossed and turned all of last night. I couldn’t decide if my conscience, or sense of righteousness has gotten the better of me. Sure, she’s been making my life a living hell since the first few months she’s lived here, and probably deserves to rot away in jail for all that she’s done… but when all is said and done, she still has lived in the same house as my family and I for over a year. As much as I dislike her, there’s some parts of her that I do not totally hate.

Think of it as living with a pet that is really naughty and made your life more difficult than enjoyable.

You pay for the damn thing, hoping it will be a good addition to your life. It’s not exactly necessary, but you figured the benefits it is meant to bring would be worth it rather than living on your own. At the start, your little puppy is fluffy and cute. But after a few months, it’s less cute, it grows up and is less intimidated by you, then starts to pee and shit everywhere. It rips up your clothes and furniture. You try to be nicer to it, hoping it will love you in return, but all it does is be a complete brat. It’s uncontrollable. You start to question your decision of ever bringing it home in the first place and ask god what have you ever done to deserve this sort of company when all you ever wanted was someone (something) nice to live with. Eventually, you give up hope, as no amount of training or disciplining worked, and you resign to your fate. One day, you find it chewing up your favorite expensive dress. Horrified, you tried to give it a second chance but it bit you as you tried to tear it away from the dress. You get so effin’ angry in the heat of the moment, you decide to give it away immediately.

After all the grief your dog from hell provided you, would you still feel sad when it’s time to let go? Yes, you would. A tinge of guilt, like “perhaps I wasn’t a good enough owner”.. If you had a heart. Because no matter what, time spent together still creates a bond, no matter how faint. (Btw I am in no way saying she’s a dog, just using the pet theory as an example for people who don’t have maids and don’t know what this would feel like)

I’ve said a lot of horrible things about her. But there are a few times she’s done nice things for me. Give credit where credit is due. She’s not a completely evil person. Yes, horrid and evil sometimes, but not to the core, not 100%. She has her moments. Like when she makes dessert and food without us asking her to then excitedly offering it to us, hoping for our approval. Like when she helps me out with my cake work, I really appreciate that. Like when she tries to be patient with my grandmother.. not a lot of people can handle the elderly well. She has made me laugh, and tried cheering me up some times when I have fights with Sam. I will not forget those times. So, I feel sorry for that part of Y*. The small nice part I’d like to believe exists somewhere inside her, that was much more evident the first week she came to live with this family. It may have decayed during the past year, but hopefully it’s not wiped out. When a serial murderer gets caught and thrown in jail, everyone rejoices. But she’s not a serial murderer. Yes, she stole my money, clothes, underwear, and did so many bad things…. but I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to see her in jail. That would really suck for her. I don’t want anything on my conscience.

After they took her away, I had a lot of time to reflect upon my actions, and hers.

Long story short, I decided not to pursue the matter anymore, and after she spent a night being locked up and interrogated, I bailed her out today. Immediately, I bought her a ticket home. Barely a few hours ago, her agent took her, and left. She’s probably in Indonesia by now. As she was packing her things, I felt sad, but glad that she didn’t need to go to jail. At least, not because of me. My mum told me last night, “We’re all humans, we don’t have to make her so miserable the way she makes us.” And I agree. I should be better than that. I hope the police incident and being handcuffed and locked up was enough to scare her from ever stealing from other people again. I really do hope she changes for the better, and does more good with her life, wherever she may choose to go. She looked relieved (duh) to be released and being able to go home, but what pissed me off was how she still insisted, “I didn’t steal your money.”

(You: Jess, is there any chance she didn’t do it? 

Me: NO. Please. Nobody should even try to defend her, because you all haven’t met her. You will never understand wtf she put my whole family through.)

I replied, “You don’t have to say anything any more. Even if you didn’t steal my money this time, you dare say you’ve never EVER stolen my money before? All the things you have done, you know deep down in your heart, and I do too. That’s enough. I hope you’re nicer to people you meet next time. Be a good person.” She smiled at me. I can’t remember if I managed a smile back. For the first time, she actually looked happy. She wasn’t scowling, or sulking like she does every single day for the past year… Somehow I also felt happy for her, and for myself, that both our miseries were coming to an end. I don’t think she liked working for us either. We both deserve better than this.

I am no longer angry. I just have so much sorrow. And I’m confused, because what was rage and anger then guilt, now turned straight into pity and empathy. I can barely copy with all these emotions….. I tried to put myself in her shoes. I don’t know what it’s like to be poor. I have known envy, but never the spiteful envy or the heavy desperation enough to drive me to steal from other people. Perhaps she sees all the nice things I have, and thinks I don’t deserve to be leading a better life than her. And in some ways, I guess I don’t. Where you’re born and which family you’re born into is luck of the draw, life’s sick lottery. The world is not fair. I was born into an easier life, and I don’t have to work in another country to support my family back home. This is a painful reminder I sometimes forget. I’m sure she has her own set of problems to deal with that causes her to behave the way she does.

As she was leaving my house for the final time, she told all of us, “I’m really sorry if I had done anything wrong to you guys. Thank you for having me here.” She even held my hand as she said it. It actually meant a lot to me that she said that. At least I knew she wasn’t angry at me for calling the police on her, and that, at the end of the day… she can leave on a relatively good note. I don’t want anyone hating me. I looked at her luggage and the clothes she was wearing and the bag she was carrying and realized that 90% of her belongings were in good condition, and they were clothes that I had given her. They were not the scraps she had worn when she first entered our home. A lot of the clothes I have given her are still brand new and unworn when she first received them. Despite knowing that she’s stolen from me before (underwear and money) I still gave her nice clothes. Because I knew I was not unkind to her and did quite the best that I could, that made me feel a lot better. I never starved her, I often cooked for her, I never deprived her of using her mobile phone, watching TV, going out on off days… I think I’ve been very reasonable. That’s good enough for me. I assure you, I don’t treat my maids horribly. Most of them have a much better life living in our household than in others. I treat them like proper human beings, not like slaves as some people do.

The agent proceeded to take her down the lift.

I stared into space for awhile, then chased after her. The agent and Y* were confused as to why I ran down, but I pretended I wanted to check her pockets for the last time, to see if she took anything she wasn’t meant to take. But the truth is, I just wanted to see her off. The last last maid (2 maids ago) I had was lovely to me, and I cried for a few days when she went home and I wasn’t able to say goodbye (I was overseas) and even though this one wasn’t anywhere near as lovely I wanted a proper goodbye anyway.

She waved to me, smiling, as the car drove away.

….And that was the end of a chapter in our lives. I came back up to my room, thought about things for awhile.. and burst into tears. I’m not sure why I’m so emotional. I wish all this never happened, to be honest. It’s a lot to handle. I think it’s also to do with the fact that I’m having my period, and it was so difficult going through this alone when my mother and Sam wasn’t in Singapore with me. I have to take care of my grandmother and my brother, I’m like in charge of the house and I have huge responsibilities on my shoulder. Now that everything is settled, I’m so relieved, but still very affected by what has happened. If I didn’t have N to go through this with me, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

My mother was very displeased with me for taking matters into my own hands and calling the police and making a scene by myself. She wanted me to wait till she got back from Australia so she could settle this, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Yes, perhaps I was rash, but things are better this way now. We argued a lot and I know she was worried & upset coz I got the police involved. Y*’s previous agent went MIA, so I had to locate her a new one…  that wasn’t easy to do. There was so much going on… that was one motherfucking helluva past 30+ hours I’ve had. A seriously messed up whirlwind I could’ve lived my life without going through. I can’t imagine that yesterday I caught her stealing, exploded, and by tonight she’s already back in Indonesia. Mind blowing. Why didn’t we send her back a long time ago???? Good fucking question. I’d tell you, but it’s personal & complicated, to do with her work permit, loans, etc. Grandmother story.

I hope I did the right thing. We’re going to be without a maid for awhile, but heck, people have lived this way for thousands of years, why can’t we?!?!?! I’ll be less spoilt this way, right? Whatever. We’ll get by.

I will miss you sometimes, Y*. But mostly, I won’t. It’s better this way. You don’t, however, just simply forget all about a person that lived with you for more than a year. I thank you for the times you’ve been good to my family, and fuck you very very much for all the grief you’ve caused. What goes around, comes around, I believe.

Oh, and good luck with whatever you choose to do next, and….. please, give them less hell than you did me.

xoxo,
Jess

How To Not Impress A Girl

Out of sheer boredom a month ago, I downloaded this free networking app on my iPhone called “Skout.”

Technically it’s labelled as a “Flirt” app, but since I had zero intention to flirt with the people on there, I’ll call it a networking app.. so I don’t feel like such a sleaze. So I pretty much knew that I was going to get bombarded with desperate messages the moment I signed up for an account, which I’m sure every other female on there experiences as well, but what I didn’t know was how entertaining fail pick up lines can be!!! Honestly, it’s amused me to no end, every single time I open the app there’s bound to be comic gold lying around somewhere, I just have to keep reading the mundane “Hi how are you? Care to make friends?”s until I find a funny one. Somewhere along the way I decided to screen shot the epically funny ones and whatsapp my friend and we’d go “LOLOL” (I know I’m so mean deal with it) and now my screenshot list has grown so big, I thought I’d make a blog post out of it!

Just so we’re clear, my Skout profile clearly states that I am “in a relationship”, “looking for friends”, and my description goes… “If you can’t be bothered to say more than just hi, chances are I can’t be bothered to reply you either. But if you can hold a decent conversation, well then I’d be pleased to chat with you!”

I have this haughty sounding profile because the amount of 2 lettered “Hi.”s I get is shocking. Do you walk up to someone on the street and just go, “Hi”? You introduce yourself, you ask them how’s their day, you don’t say one word and expect a response.

And may I present to you - ten thousand and one ways to not impress a girl! 

Singaporean guys, watch and learn from this. Btw.. If you know anyone that has their blurry picture posted here, please don’t tell them. LOL. Take this post with a pinch of salt. I don’t mean the mean things I say… I think.

Laughing at the things people say around here, I hope you don’t mind.

Apparently asking for some common sense these days is too much to ask for..

Hahahaha I guess he couldn’t think of what else to say besides “Hi” or “Hello” and decided an elongated “Helllloooooooo” would sound more impressive! Every time I read long words stretched out, I read it in a retarded deep whale voice ala Ellen Degeneres in Finding Nemo.

Oh, come on. If you’re going to compliment me, at least spell it right. If he spells Pretty as Pretyy, I dare not think how he’d spell Gorgeous or Beautiful. And I’m sure that heart shaped latte in your profile pic shows how much of a deep romantic you are.

LOL at least this one has a clue! Unfortunately he said more than just “Hi” and got ignored anyway.

Not sure if this is funny, or sad. Quite funny actually lol I like the “moshi moshi” part

I kind of liked the first message, but who else felt annoyed just by reading his 2nd message about not being irritating? Who has to self declare and promise that they are not annoying? People who constantly get told they’re annoying, I reckon. Sorry Posh Boy!

Doing more with my life than wasting time fUcKiNg wItH mY sHiFt & cApS lOcK bUtToN. yOu??? gEeZ tHiS iS tIrInG. hOw dO pEoPlE fInD tHe pAtIeNcE tO dO tHiS??

HAHAHAHAHA this is one of my favourite!!!!!!!   Dafuq?!

I’m going to include that in my profile’s “About Me.” the next time I update it because I think that is a fantastic summary of myself. Well done friend, that is my best compliment I’ve received in my life, probably. His solemn expression in the background makes it all that much funnier. I give him 10 points for trying and for being at least funny.

…Check what???! Check out my backside to see if it’s luscious or not? Seriously. Sure, hold on while I strip off my clothes, take a picture of my bare back and then send it to you because you asked me to.

I’m not your darling, and to sidetrack, they should make camwhoring while driving totally illegal. It’s just as bad as text-driving!

HAHAHAHA men. So gullible. This was when I was sick and waiting for my turn at Changi Hospital’s A&E… totes bored and then I remembered I had Skout!

Another hospital one. I like catching people by surprise and watching their awkward response :P You will not believe the amount of people who agreed to have a “date” with me at Changi Hospital…

Yes, sure, some other time will be great. Like in my next life. A picture would not be necessary, I’m convinced anyone half decent looking would already have their picture as their profile display because it’s the normal and sensible thing to do. Everyone else who CMI would choose to have their dogs, cars, heart shaped lattes or worse, a default avatar to represent them instead.

Apparently this picture looks like a tough, strong and determined person.

How do I look strong?! Because I’m not getting blown over by the wind? I kind of thought my pic just meant “vain asian girl with wind in hair in front of beach”, but okay, I’ll take those compliments, thank you kind sir.

Lololol. Random ass compliments that are seemingly part-psychic appear to be a relatively popular method.

BAHAHAHA ANOTHER FAVOURITE!!!!!!! Omg I crack myself up. As you can tell from the screenshot, it was 3am. I felt kind of bad afterwards.

This one actually sounded sincere-ish and sweet, but I found the angel and praying hands at the end of his message hilarious. Not sure what it means but I imagine he’s praying to the gods “PLEASEEEE GOD MAKE THIS ONE REPLY ME!!! *puts hand together in praying pose* SHE’S AN ANGEL!” – am I full of shit or am I full of shit?? LOL.

I have no words. But probably not.

I COULDN’T RESIST

What’s good on a humid Sunday?? WHAT’S GOOD ON A HUMID SUNDAY?????????? e_e…… Talk about cringe worthy introductions.

I hope that’s some messed up jumbled version of “Hi Jessica! It’s a humid Sunday today, but I hope it’s going good for you.” BUT I’m not terribly convinced.

I am honestly horrified and disgusted by the amount of people who seem unable to string together simple sentences. Also, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to enjoy… his linguistic skills? I sure hope, for his own sake, they are more impressive in real life.

Interesting question. I’ll take being an actual princess, so that I’d be rolling in riches, when you’re that rich it doesn’t matter what you look like because there’s always make up and surgery, which money can buy you a lot of.

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To end off this awkward and hilarious post, here’s one that’s not so bad. (I had to scroll through quite a few messages to finally find a decent one)

There we go. A normal message with smiley faces, accurate spelling and a non-creepy compliment. Well done, kiddo!

I was almost going to reply you, but then I saw the picture of you clutching a red carebear plushie in what appears to be your school uniform…. I suddenly felt a lot like a pedophile, and hastily closed the app. Sorry hun, but I don’t do boys younger than me. But you seem to have potential, just lose the care bear next time.

xoxo,
Jess
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