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A 4am letter to no one in particular

Tonight’s one of those rough nights.
On a scale of 1-10, I would say tonight could be a 4, which isn’t very high on the Miserable scale to be honest. I’ve had a few 8′s or 9′s that rocked my world this year.. So tonight is still quite manageable, I guess. I don’t feel the need to talk to someone while bawling my eyes out, but it’s still nice to have a form of release, so here I am.

As I lie awake in bed with only my bleak thoughts for company, I start to wonder to myself, why is it so difficult to find someone whom I can hand my heart to and trust them not to be careless with it? Relationship problems have messed me up so much, even I am shocked by its significance. Why has my confidence diminished? Am I placing too much of my self worth and value in being treasured by someone else? Do I really have to stop loving myself because someone I love stopped loving me the right way? If I give up on myself, who would still bother placing their faith in me?

It hurts inexplicably to love someone so much that you lose yourself in the process, forgetting that you’re special too. I guess I now know why self love, self respect and self worth all begin with “self.” These things can only be found within you, and not anyone else.

I will be turning 23 years old in a month’s time, and I feel like I’ve hit a quarter life crisis already. I am without purpose, without direction and most definitely without motivation. I’ve never been the sort to have my life figured out (study hard, do the right thing, get in the right uni course, find a stable job), I’ve always accidentally or inadvertently taken the whirlwind route. Skip school, do reckless things, fail exams, become self employed since 16, go to a private school, apply for university overseas then withdraw my application after being accepted, to sell cakes online.

But I’ve always taken a leap of faith and believed in myself. Even if I didn’t know what I was doing, I knew that I would make sure it all worked out in the end. Even when I flunked my O’levels like some delinquent joke, I told myself, “It’s going to be okay. You don’t want to work in a job that relies on certifications anyway.”

But this time, I’m really not sure if I’m going to be okay. I’m scared. Fuck that, I’m terrified. I told myself I would take a few months to feel better. It’s been way longer than that now, and I don’t seem to feel much better. In my bloody defense, most people go through a break up (and that alone is heartbreaking enough) but for me, all of a sudden, I’m also out of a job and place to stay. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Unemployment, sudden singlehood and relocation. See, me and him, we had everything. By everything I mean we shared our entire lives, including income making ways and housing together. I thought we were set in concrete. I thought he was the man I was going to marry and have children with. But now I’m going to have to move out soon. I’m leaving literally everything behind. Soon enough, we will be complete strangers. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that concept. Spending 6 years of your life extremely intimately with someone, and then having that person thoroughly removed after that, does things to the way you function every day.

I have been without income for awhile now. Maybe I should be worried about how I’m not that worried about money. Money has never been a priority to me. As long as I am able to live comfortably, I’m happy. These days, I just try my best everyday to feel as normal as possible on the inside. Where got time to think about money?

Sometimes I wonder if that’s considered being irresponsible. My friends and mother throw interrogating questions my way, “What are you doing with your life? How long are you going to continue like this?”

The truth is, I’m just getting by, guys. I’m getting by, and perhaps I’ve turned into an under achiever, but for now, that’s damn well good enough for me because you don’t understand how not crying to yourself to sleep can be the best part of your day until you’ve been in a situation that hopeless.

Get a grip on yourself and move on, they always say. It’s easy when you have bigger, better and brighter things to look forward to. But what if it’s the entire life you used to know that you’re walking away from? What if you had to let go of what you considered was the best thing to ever happen to you because it was also ripping you apart from the inside?

He cleaned up the house and made a nice dinner tonight. It was extremely nice of him. He tried to hug me and do normal couple-ish things, and it broke my heart to have to push him away and pretend like I didn’t care for him anymore. I’m the one who wanted this, so I have to grit my teeth and go through with it, right? I have to admit, some days it feels like it might be easier to just forget about everything that happened and get back together. After all, we are so familiar with each other. He knows how I like my foot massages, I know how to finish his sentences and he knows what my farts smell like. I know the food items he would order in a menu, and he knows I can’t sleep without a bolster at night.

Why would you want to erase all of that and start over again with somebody new? But I have to remind myself, that I gave it all up because it became too painful to hold onto. Too many things were said and done, that I will never forget.

I may have forgotten what he said or did specifically on the many different occasions, but I’ll never forget how it made me feel (and still makes me feel). I have tried my best to forgive and forget, but too much damage has been done. I wish I could put all these negative emotions locked away in a chest that I could throw into the deepest part of the ocean, but I can’t.

I carry the fucking baggage around with me every damn day, and when I think it doesn’t matter so much anymore, I’m proven wrong when I look into your eyes – all I see reflected in them is my disappointment and silent resentment.

Recently, I find myself questioning my own decision. The decision that took me months & possibly years of tearful pondering to get to. Was it really the right thing to do? Will I ever find somebody who loves me as much? What if in a bid to pursue greater happiness, I was leaving the best thing in my life behind? What is more important, somebody who loves you to the ends of the earth and back or someone who can love you the right way?

To whoever is reading this, I hope you find someone who knows how to love you when you are sad.
Someone who makes the bad times better, and great times, the best.
Someone who has the words to say to make you feel better, even if sometimes they can’t actually help.
Someone who won’t take you for granted or their frustration out on you when they’re upset.
Someone who will constantly remind you that you’re extraordinary, someone who loves you in a way that makes you feel complete.
They should always be your better half.
They should be the reason why you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, and not the reason why you cry so hard, you can’t even breathe properly.

I’m not saying they’re not allowed to make mistakes. And I certainly am not implying the right one will never make you sad. But a healthy couple fights fair and well, even when times are bad. We do not resort to belittling the other person and making them feel worthless. We are all only human after all, and to err is what we were born to do.

But when a person makes a mistake, they should be willing to fix it, tell you they’re sorry without being asked, and try their best not to do it again. Someone who cares about you should not choose to deliberately hurt your feelings over and over again.

By no means am I the perfect girlfriend or partner. But I gave fucking everything I had. I have nothing left to give, and perhaps for this reason alone I shouldn’t let myself be ridden with guilt, blaming myself for walking away. No matter what other people say or think, I loved you with every cell in my body. It’s just that now, I have absolutely nothing left. I wish I did, but I have no more love left to give you. I am an empty shell, a shadow of the person I used to be, and I am not the same girl you met all those years ago anymore.

I am so sorry.
I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry for me.

xoxo,
Jess

All the things I miss about being in love

I miss being in love with someone who loves me back.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares and having someone right there to hold me until I fall back soundly asleep again.
I miss knowing that I, too, mean everything to the person who means the world to me.
I miss long talks at night planning our future together and being genuinely excited thinking about it.
I miss having someone to cuddle every night.
I miss knowing my name is safe with that person because they loved me for who I was.

I miss having someone look deeply into my eyes every time I talked to them because they cared about everything I said.
I miss someone wiping away my tears when I cry.
I miss not ever having to feel completely alone.
I miss trusting a person wholeheartedly and knowing they’ll never let you down.
I miss believing everything he will tell you without a doubt in my mind.
I miss being with someone who tells me with a convinced look on his face, “You’re the girl I’m going to marry.”

I miss watching movies with someone till we fell asleep late in the night, and feeling like I could spend the rest of my life doing exactly that.
I miss waking up to your significant other in the morning and laughing at their puddle of drool on their pillow.
I miss having a warm pair of hands to hold in the theatre because mine always gets cold.
I miss forehead kisses every single night.
I miss how I knew I always had someone to talk to no matter how insignificant a topic I have in mind.

I miss having someone to share my life with, every little happening and important event.
I miss believing I was worth loving.
I miss loving someone so much, I would gladly exchange my life for theirs.
I miss knowing I’m the reason for someone’s happiness.
I miss someone asking me what I wanted for dinner, and then lets me steal his food when his meal is nicer than mine.
I miss cooking someone’s favorite dishes and seeing him eat them greedily in appreciation.

I miss falling asleep on someone’s shoulder during long car rides.
I miss knowing no matter how great a shit storm life throws at me, I have someone who will be right next to me going through it together.
I miss grocery shopping with someone who was happy to cook with me.
I miss having someone’s undivided attention and being his top priority at all times.
I miss trying to impress someone’s parents, hoping they will like me because I want to be part of his family some day.

I miss putting extra effort to look pretty when going on dates and hoping he would notice it.
I miss going on holiday with someone who makes every great adventure in life even better simply by being part of it.
I miss having someone to love me even when I can’t love myself.
I miss being with someone who is reason why you remember that there is always a reason to smile every day no matter how shitty you’re feeling.

I miss wanting to become a better person so that he can be proud of me.
I miss waking up all excited everyday because it’s another day to be spent with him.
I miss being in a relationship that felt right.
I miss hearing someone special say “hello” to you, and it would sound like the best thing you’ve ever heard.
I miss feeling like everything I ever needed in life was standing right in front of me.

I don’t know if I will find love like that again.
And that thought scares me. Knowing I had something so special, then watching it slip through my very fingers over the years and not knowing exactly how to stop it from going.
Going, going.. Now it’s gone.
Until the day I find someone who’s willing to pick up the pieces with me and go through everything all over again, I guess I’m going to have to learn how to be alone without feeling completely lonely and miserable.

I guess I don’t mind the being alone part so much. What really gets to me are all these voices inside my head telling me,

“You’re never going to find somebody who will love you like that again.”

…And I almost believe them.
Almost.

But I still hope I’ll find someone to have and to hold in my life again some day. I know finding that person will be worth all the prior heartbreak. And it will be worth the wait.

xoxo,
Jess

Western Australia, you have my heart.

It’s always nice to be back in Perth, no matter how many times I’ve been to this little city. I think of it something like my second home.

I finally made it to this quaint little boat house along Crawley’s Edge and snapped a few photos. Too bad it was nearing winter when I was there, else the skies would’ve been painted more dramatically.

Probably my favorite part of it would be the life that runs through the very center of the city. The Swan River carries your sorrow away.

Perth is the half city, half countryside break I need from Singapore when life gets too hectic or mundane around here. Every time I go to Perth, I get slightly confused and intrigued people asking me… “What did you do in Perth? I hear it’s a boring place! And you always go back.” Well, Singapore can be pretty damn boring to a lot of us locals as well. Sp why do people from faraway European countries still fly halfway across the world to visit our little overpopulated, cramped up city?

Because it’s different. And there is beauty in uniqueness.

In Perth, I do everything and nothing, really. I experience good sleeps, nice weather that isn’t constantly sweltering, long walks in the park, sunsets on the beach, a lot of good food & I caught up with friends & family. Doesn’t sound like an epic adventure to most people, but doesn’t that sound like a jolly good time? To me, it always is. I haven’t been to a whole lot of places in the world yet, but here are the reasons why I somehow keep ending up back in Perth (and Australia).

My mum has a house in Perth. Saving on accommodation is saving the bulk cost of the trip. She also takes me out to nice dinners almost every night! Yay for affordable holidays.

It’s also not too far from Singapore. A 4 hours+ flight is something I can deal with, without getting all claustrophobic on the plane. I really hate plane rides. I used to have a huge phobia, but I had to get over it because my hunger to experience new things was stronger.

I like how it has different seasons to switch things up a bit, yet, they’re not too drastic such that they become overwhelmingly difficult to deal with. I’m not a big fan of snow and I’m quite pleased that Australia doesn’t get near that cold. Their summers aren’t that different from the usual weather in Singapore either (less humid, too!)

My boyfriend’s Australian, and I’m quite familiar with the Aussie lifestyle and accent. I was quite taken aback when I went to the States. I thought I would be comfortable in USA, considering how many American movies I’ve watched (?!?) but I still, I hard a hard time adjusting to the cultural shock. Australia has an extremely diverse ethnicity crowd which makes me feel more at home, or rather.. not so out of place. Racism is less present than in other largely white-dominated-countries. I can walk on the streets at night and still feel quite safe, and I don’t have to be on my guard 100% of the time.

Western Australia truly is beautiful. Australia, on the whole is great… but Western Australia has my heart.

Somebody once asked me if I’m being paid by The Australian Tourism Board to always talk about Australia over the years on my blog, because I’m doing a good job, if that’s so. Hah, I wish! Wouldn’t that be awesome, though? I don’t care to be paid, just whisk me off for new adventures.

The clear blue skies, the pristine beaches and waters…. the vast countryside… it feels so untouched. I mean… I get such a happy high just driving down an expressway admiring how there are no tall buildings in sight, just farms and greenery as far as the eye can see. Coming from a girl who lives in a country that spans 50km at its widest point… do you get what I’m saying?

Do you know I am STILL fascinated by seeing horses & cows on the side of the country road? Maybe I don’t get out of my little urban country barely often enough. But sometimes I pride myself in finding joy in the littlest things.

Never lose that child-like wonder in yourself.

Be grateful for every sunset, every opportunity, marvel at every new sight.

Traveling does not always need to be done in an extravagant way. You do not always need to go to the most extraordinary places on earth to find beauty. Sometimes, the joy of traveling is finding beauty in everyday, extraordinarily normal things. Live a little, breathe a little. I was told that a group of bloggers from China had recently gone to Perth on a sponsored tourism trip, and when asked by the tour guide what they’d wanted to see the most.. Their response was simply, “the sunset”. Apparently, in their hometown, the air is so polluted and the atmosphere so choked with smog, they don’t have many opportunities to witness a clear, vibrant and un-distorted sunset in their own country. They were happy just to breathe in the fresh air and to look up in the skies at the end of every day.

Isn’t that amazing?

“We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next, to find ourselves. We travel to open our hearts and eyes. And we travel, in essence, to become young fools again—to slow time down and get taken in, and fall in love once more.”

xoxo,
Jess

What it’s like to have a bunny as a pet

I posted this photo on Instagram today, captioning it:

“For your daily dose of fluff.. Here’s #mochithebunz & I during a photoshoot for #clubpetsmag. Getting myself a Netherland dwarf bunny is one of the best decisions I’ve made this year!!! She gives affectionate kisses (licks on the face and nose) every single day.”

And someone asked… “Can you tell us what it’s like to have a bunny as a pet? Is it difficult to upkeep, etc?” and I thought it was a brilliant idea to share with you guys how my experience as a first time rabbit owner has been the past 9 months plus I’ve had Mochi as a companion!

For those of you who aren’t too familiar with my grey fluffball…. her name is Mochi. Read the blog post about the day I brought her home from the pet shop here.

I named her after the food item mochi because she was small, soft, round, pudgy and squishy… like a real mochi! She’s a Netherland Dwarf rabbit, the smallest of all rabbit breeds. She’s about a year old. As I’m typing this blog entry, she’s sitting on my lap!

Why did you decide to get a rabbit?

I didn’t really set out to buy a rabbit one day. I chanced upon her purely by coincidence. I had no interest in bunnies whatsoever before this. I like learning about animals through David Attenborough documentaries but I’m not too big on keeping them myself. It’s all the work involved that scares me off… I had a hamster named Pudding once, and after he passed I was pretty upset and decided I’m not suitable for pets because I get too emotionally attached. Well that thought completely went out the window when I saw Mochi at the pet store and fell in love with her! True love comes knocking on your door when you least expect it!

Are bunnies difficult to care for?

I would say with confidence…. No. Even though I’m not the one who cleans out her poop tray everyday (my domestic helper does that), other than that she doesn’t need much maintenance. Here’s why caring for rabbits is an easy thing!

• Bunnies are very clean animals.
They don’t need baths or special treatment of any sort. They spend a lot of time grooming themselves daily, and they do a great job at it! The only time I’ve ever needed to wipe her down with wet tissue was when I accidentally fed her oranges thinking it was okay, but she had diarrhea and that wasn’t a pretty sight. But on a normal basis, I don’t bother cleaning her at all and she does not feel, look or smell dirty in the slightest.

• Bunnies don’t stink.
You know how you go to someone’s house and they have a dog and their house smells like dog? Yeah…. you don’t get that with bunnies. Unless you’ve left their litter tray unchanged for too long, or if you feed them certain types of food…. then their pee / shit stinks! Mochi’s pee smells like crazy when I feed her alfalfa or corn treats so I’ve stopped doing that completely.

• Bunnies don’t take up too much of your time.
If you’re a busy person and cannot afford to give your pet exclusive hours of attention everyday but still want a companion in the house, bunnies would make a great choice! I always leave Mochi at home for the whole day and I don’t have to worry about her at all, as long as I make sure she has sufficient water and food while I’m gone. My bunny loves getting attention, but she’s perfectly fine doing her own thing without bothering me as well. Mochi gets free roam of the house when we’re at home but stays in her cage when we go out, because she gets up to too much mischief when we’re away! It’s not like she rips up furniture or anything too destructive, but she does love chewing on cables, chewing on my leather products, peeing on our beds…. And I don’t trust her enough to leave her to wreak havoc in the house while I’m gone, nor do I have enough “spare” space in the house for her to roam around in that isn’t already filled with stuff that can’t be moved. I know a lot of people recommend letting bunnies run around freely in their homes, but Mochi still bites on everything she can at almost a year old (despite having a lot of chew toys) and pees wherever she likes (even though she knows where her litter tray is and was litter trained before, she doesn’t care) AND jumps on all sorts of crazy ledges, so keeping her personality in mind, I decided it would be safest for her to stay in an enclosed area when humans aren’t around. Especially since her vision is impaired now.

When we do let Godzilla out about town… check out how crazy it gets!!!


• Bunnies don’t need special grooming.
Despite having abundant, luxuriously soft and thick fur…. I don’t need to bring her to the groomer’s to trim her fur because it grows out nicely! Doesn’t need dental care or any other care, either. Only thing I ever do for her is 1) Brush her fur coat from time to time although I don’t see any difference before and after so I only ever do it when I feel like it and 2) Trim her nails about once a month. Rabbits in the wild burrow in the dirt and ground all day, whereas most house rabbits have lost their natural instinct to dig, so their nails get amazingly long after awhile. If you don’t trim them, it hurts for the rabbit when they’re running about, and it hurts for the humans when they scratch you as well! Some people struggle with trimming their bunny’s nails, especially if that particular bunny hates being held and it’s very intimidating for the first few times because they’re such skittish, fragile little things that like to squirm a lot… but you’ll get used to it. Just gotta hold them firmly to show them who’s boss. You could always get someone else to trim their nails for you for around $10. (Note: This only applies to certain rabbit breeds. If you get a super long furred rabbit you’re obviously begging to go the groomer’s lol)


• Bunnies aren’t noisy.
They don’t bark incessantly. My neighbor has this dog I have vivid fantasies and dreams of murdering every so often. I can hear him barking at this very moment. He barks every single damn day, afternoon, and night. And the owner does nothing about his extremely LOUD barking dog at all. At first I wondered how the owner could remain sane when he lives in a house where his dog never shuts up, then I realized he’s hardly ever home at all.  He just leaves the windows wide open so that his fellow condo occupants may enjoy his dog’s daily music.. Scumbag. Here’s my theory. If you have an annoying dog that NEVER EVER EVER stops making a ruckus, smack it until it stops barking. Seriously. Or get a rabbit instead. Rabbits… ah, their true beauty is that they are amazingly silent creatures. A rabbit can be extremely difficult to find when they want to be hidden. They find the oddest corners of the house to hide in and they will lay there, being extremely still. Although silent, this does not mean they can’t express their feelings. They have different temperaments, moods, expressions just like every other animal. It’s just in very subtle ways, that take awhile to understand. When they’re upset, they grunt, lightly nip or thump their feet. A nasty rabbit might bite you, but I’ve not experienced that myself. Mochi has oddly never thumped her feet to show displeasure, either.


So what are the downsides of having a bunny?

Although I wouldn’t really call these real “downsides”, there are a few things regarding rabbits that may fall below certain people’s expectations of a pet. For example, bunnies are not like dogs. They may not follow you around the house or be extremely sticky (this did happen when Mochi was a baby.. it was the cutest thing, but eventually stopped when she grew up) so as great and adorable as bunnies may be at showing their affection by licking you and grinding their teeth to show contentment, their methods of communication are a lot less sophisticated than your dog. I’m using dogs as a comparison method, because, well dogs are the most common pets in the world. You can’t really bring bunnies out to play like you do with dogs. More often than not, bunnies hate going out of the house because they get stressed out by all the unfamiliar noises, scents and surroundings. As such, a rabbit isn’t the sort of pet you’d find someone walking at the park. (But I particularly like the fact that they do not need walks because I do not like walks too haha). Bunnies are also not great pets for children, or people who like to play rough. They’re a lot more difficult to pick up than dogs, and require gentle handling. Most friendly dogs will let you pick them up if you wanted to. But even the friendliest rabbit will kick or struggle if an inexperienced rabbit person tries to hold them, because they MUST be held at very specific ways in order for them to feel safe and secure enough to not try and run away. The truth is, most rabbits hate being held, mine is a really rare exception because she lets strangers hold her as well. A lot of other bunny owners have problems holding their own rabbits themselves. They aren’t easy to deal with because they have sharp nails and squirm a lot when they’re off the ground. I’ve heard stories of other bunnies having attitude problems (e.g refusing to interact with humans or acting aggressively for seemingly no reason) On the other hand, I am under the assumption that all dogs in this world love to play.

Bunnies also don’t play fetch, they don’t offer any real “services” to humans like dogs do…. They don’t jump on your bed to wake you up in the morning, they don’t bark when strangers come near your house, they certainly can’t help disabled people or anything of the sort.. so yeah, if you’re into that sort of thing, get a dog. But if you just wanna come home, put on a movie, stroke something warm and furry and feel it lick your face in recognition, feed it some treat as a reward and melt at its furry cuteness…. get a bunny.

Oh, one terrible thing I’ve learned about having rabbits is that… nobody really knows that much about them. They’re not as well-studied as dog anatomies are. If your rabbit falls sick, it’s going to be a pain trying to find a vet that can properly diagnose it in a timely and cost-efficient manner. Health wise, my rabbit hasn’t had any major health problem aside from her problematic eyes. She does have cataracts in both eyes (likely hereditary, read about it happening in this post) which means she’s almost completely blind with a tiny bit of sight left (to distinguish light source and maybe a bit of shadows). I had to travel to the other end of Singapore to visit the only eye specialist available in Singapore for rabbits, and then I was told the surgery would’ve costed thousands, with 30% chance of her dying on the operation table as advised by my vet. That single horrific diagnosis and check up that took 20 minutes of the vet’s time costed me $200 already. Obviously I didn’t get the operation done, knowing the risk involved..

Are bunnies costly?

Depending on the breed of rabbit you get and the pet store you buy your bunny from, the price of getting one can range greatly. They can be sold for as low as $50, and go up to over a thousand dollars. I got Mochi for $300, which is a great price, considering most pure bred Netherland Dwarfs are sold above $400. Don’t be tempted by really cheaply priced rabbits from dodgy pet stores because your rabbit may turn out odd looking. By odd looking, I mean it may grow to be extremely large when it was supposed to be a miniature rabbit or having extremely long ears when its ears are meant to be short. Or have strange bulgy eyes coming out of its sockets or something. I spend approximately $50 a month on food and bedding / other rabbit supplies for Mochi. Her diet consists of 80% dried Timothy Hay (grass in a bag), and the other 20% is a mixture of random fresh vegetables, fruits and herbs I happen to have in the fridge, and also rabbit-friendly treats from the pet store.

Mochi enjoying some fresh Parsley!

Her litter tray is changed daily (I use cat litter made out of paper), and her bottom cage litter is changed approximately every 2-3 weeks or until it starts to smell a little. I think I’ve spent a little over $3k on Mochi ever since getting her, including all supplies she’s used thus far. Keep in consideration that I’ve bought her a lot of nonsense…. like toys she doesn’t even bother with. Bunnies are happy with cheap, homemade toys (such as bottle caps, cardboard boxes etc). Actually, they don’t really even play with toys like dogs do. Mine finds the most joy just in stuffing her face with glorious food, just like her mama.



Why do you love having a Netherland Dwarf bunny for a pet?


Have you seen how fluffy my bunny is??? Dogs are great companions. I truly believe they are. I hope that some day, I’ll have one myself. I would like to run alongside with it on a nice beach, and throw something for it to fetch. But for now, a bunny is a great pet suited towards my lifestyle, for all the points mentioned above. In summary, they are

1) Fluffy 2) Adorable 3) Not too costly 4) Silent and non-intrusive and independent 5) Low maintenance What’s not to love about bunnies?

Mochi is a great little rabbit. She’s so friendly and harmless….. I think I hit rabbit lottery when I found her. It does not matter that she has cataracts and has lost her sight. She still loves running around and exploring, entertaining me and bringing me smiles and laughs every day! She makes me the happiest when I see her doing binkies (jumping and flicking her feet in the air animatedly) or when she randomly comes up to me and licks my face as affection. She brings me the simplest kind of joy in this world – an animal loving its human companion.

I also love when she hilarious licks her lips like crazy after she’d had some tasty, juicy mango.  MmmMmm, MANGO!

Netherland Dwarf, or Holland Lop?

There are two main types of popular rabbit breeds being sold in Singapore: Holland Lop, and Netherland Dwarf. I’m sure there are a lot more exotic and different breeds being sold in different countries and pet stores, but I’m only going to addresss the main 2 found in Singapore. Like I said before, I fell in love with Mochi herself and didn’t set out to get any particular breed, color, or type of rabbit. But if I were to buy another one, I would still go for a Netherland Dwarf over a Holland Lop for a few main reasons.

• Netherland Dwarfs are a lot smaller, and lighter than Holland Lops (or at least the pure bred ones are). Mochi is fully grown at around 1kg. I prefer my rabbits small… if you like big rabbis you can try a Flemish Giant :P

• Netherland Dwarfs have short, perky ears. Holland Lops have long, droopy ones. I think the droopy ears are extremely cute when they’re babies, however when they turn into adults it can make them tend to look kinda grumpy / disinterested. I like Mochi’s ears a lot because it tells me how she’s feeling. If they’re flat down, she’s resting or tired. If they’re all the way up and pointed forward, she’s alert or scared. If one’s up and one’s down…. she’s only half interested. And, her ears always perk up when I call her name. It’s adorable. You get the idea! It seems more responsive. But of course, there are extremely adorable Holland Lops out there I wouldn’t hesitate to adopt into my household for a second.

• Netherland Dwarfs are bred to be as round as possible. This means their faces, ears and body shape are more compact and ball-ish compared to Holland Lops. This gives the Netherland Dwarfs a more baby-ish appearance, even when they’re fully grown!

Well those are actually the only reasons I can think of. I think a mini lop would be awesome as well!

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Hope some potential-bunny-owners out there have found this blog post useful!

I’ll be happy to answer any bunny-related questions based on my own experiences. This whole post as written based on my personal experience with Mochi, my Netherland Dwarf rabbit. I’m sure not all these facts apply to every other bunny owner or rabbit in the world. My bunny likes being cuddled, other rabbits hate being held. My bunny pees and poos wherever she likes all the time, other rabbits are extremely well toilet trained and only poop and pee in their designated litter tray. I believe every animal is different, and that stereotypes are easily broken when you analyze each individual. There’s no such thing as a “better” rabbit, just what you prefer and what suits you more. But one thing’s for certain… ALL baby bunnies are amazingly, jaw-droppingly, retardedly cute, no matter the breed, color, or size!!!! Everyone should cuddle a baby bunny at least once in their lives, even if it’s just for a minute or two at the pet store. Please put it on your bucket list. You’ll know why when you’re holding it in your arms. It’s the most precious thing in the world…. second only to holding your firstborn I guess?! Ok maybe not. But something like that. Pardon me, I haven’t had any babies yet, baby bunnies are the closest thing I’ve known to it.

A few years down the track I may have the post, “What it’s like to be a mother.”

Wouldn’t that be one post to wait for?

xoxo,
Jess

Turning the big 2-1.

On the 20th of September, year 2013, I officially turned 21 years old.

I had a really wonderful party the night before, surrounded by many people I adore, held at Moonstone at Mount Faber (check out the twinkling lights behind me! we had an unparalleled view of Sentosa the whole night under the stars)…. a pretty unforgettable night that marked an important milestone in my life. I can’t wait to share pictures of the party with you guys. It was Glitter Glamour themed and everyone looked SO fabulous!!! That night made me realize.. Jesus I sure do have a lot of good looking and nice people in my life. Haha. Most of all, they were all gathered there just for me, to celebrate my birthday, because I requested for their presence. They made me feel so special and blessed. :’)

However, more about my party in a separate blog entry when I get the photos from friends and photographers.. (sorry to be such a tease!) Today, I would like to talk about actually turning 21 years old.  Dear blog readers… my virtual friends.. I know some of you literally watched me grow up. It always makes me smile when somebody comments “I’ve been reading your blog since you were in secondary school!”, that was a long time ago. You’re all like the best friends I wish I had. You’re always here to listen to what I have to say, no matter what it’s about. I know I’m no longer a “sweet young thing” who enjoyed blogging about bitchy controversial topics or posting up bikini photoshoot pictures, so my relevancy level naturally dropped a lot, but still there are people who are interested in the normal life I’ve now adjusted to. The older I get, the less I blog about my personal life events. It’s not that I don’t want to share them with you people. It’s because I am no longer a bored student with hours and hours of free time on my hands. Time that I should have spent studying, I actually spent blogging instead! Wish I could do the same when it comes to work, but well, I’m 21 years old now and if I don’t work, I would have no money to live on. I haven’t relied on my parents for my living expenses for a long time now, and since November last year, I also moved out of my mum’s house and started renting my own place with my boyfriend. So yeah, I’ve got bills to pay, including the roof over my head. To tell you the truth, I’ve felt older than 21 since forever. I feel like an old soul. In fact, personality / character aside, everyone thinks I look like 25. Not sure if that’s a good thing but it doesn’t bother me though, because when I was 16 people already thought I was 25. Anyway. Instagram has become my main platform now (because it’s so easy to update!) but my blog will always have the biggest of my heart. I never thought I’d be blogging for as long as I have. Blogging has brought me so many life changing opportunities, events and opportunities… to try new things, to go to greater heights and to meet amazing people. For that, every single day I am thankful.

Contrary to popular belief, I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I never had an easy life, and I still don’t have an easy life (despite what it may look like because I know bloggers get a lot of “free” shit but it’s not like we don’t work hard for them!). I grew up experiencing an extremely difficult childhood, things I do not even wish on my worst enemy (actually I don’t have enemies, people I dislike do not deserve space in my brain). What sort of horrible things could have possibly happened, you may wonder? Well since I’m planning on giving a truthful account of my life story in a nutshell right now, I might as well give you a rough sketch of the full picture. One of the earliest memories I have of my life was my parents screaming at each other and flinging objects around when I was probably 3 years old. Daddy and Mommy were never around much. Eventually, Dad just stopped coming around completely. Mom was always at work and seemed stressed out 99% of the time, and the only other person in my life was an elder brother who was 8 years older and growing up much quicker than I was, thus he wasn’t interested in playing with me either. Actually he used to spray perfume in my face for fun and knocked me on the head when I asked for the remote control to watch cartoons. So I guess it’s safe to assume I was a pretty lonely kid. Yeah, lonely, I was. I didn’t hang out with cousins / neighbours / family friends like a normal kid would. Don’t ask me why, I was too young to really remember stuff or make any decisions.

When I entered primary school, I thought I was going to make friends, and life would be less lonely. But turns out, everyone in school pretty much hated me. I guess I wasn’t very pretty?… And apparently, I was also a bitch. Yes, I was a bitch at 9 years old. LOL. I know this because I was taunted and called names everyday, names like “Jiak Sai Ge” or “Bicycle” instead of Jessica. Jiak Sai means literally to eat shit in Hokkien. Or is it Teochew? Ok anyway you get the picture. Oh, another one of my endearing nicknames was “San ba”, which means “Bitch” in Chinese. Pretty intense shit went on in my Primary School. I don’t know why people think children are angels. Children above 6 years old are devils. They’re little parcels of evilness. I was so much worse a person as a child than I am now. Back then I would torture insects for fun. Nowadays I cringe at killing an ant. And devils went to my school. I’m convinced I was the most unlikable person on earth because they would do unimaginable things to get to me. Aside from the usual backstabbing, taunting, name-calling, rumor-making….. I vaguely recall a pretty horrific incident in school. It went something like this: I borrowed someone’s colorful crayons before recess time. It was a fancy box of crayons that everyone in class went Ooooh and Ahhh over. I made sure I returned it to the owner’s table before I left to have my meal during recess. When I got back to the classroom, the kids that didn’t like me all had this smirk on their face. I could sense that something was wrong, but they were always plotting against me anyway, so I tried not to think too much of it (but I was already panicking inside my head). To my utmost horror, the girl who lent her crayons to me actually told the teacher that she LOST her crayons, because somebody took them. My then teacher addressed the class very seriously and told the thief to own up to their mistake now before it was too late. I started breaking out in cold sweat because it was a major FuckMyLife moment. I knew 100% I’d put it back in the right place, who could have taken it? If they don’t find it soon, people are going to think I took it. I looked around and thought to myself, “It must’ve been them. They must’ve taken it to make me look like I stole it, because the last person who had it was me.” A couple of minutes went past, and my teacher lost her patience by the second. She demanded that everyone opened their bag to show that they weren’t hiding the stolen box of crayons inside it. And would you fucking believe it? When it was my turn to empty out my bag, the fucking box of fucking stupid colorful happy looking crayons were sitting there, staring me in the face. Stupid fucking crayons. Stupid fucking classmates. 11 years later, I still get worked up when I talk about it. When I looked up at my classmates, everyone was staring at me with the most disapproving, judgemental look in their eyes. I protested and told my teacher that it wasn’t me, but even the teacher didn’t buy my story because well even teachers didn’t like me at all (seriously my life sucked). Whenever there was trouble in class, it was always my fault. This was just one out of the many, MANY awful things that happened in school. Who could have known that 10 year old children could be so scheming, so ruthless? I was so depressed, that many days out of a week I came home crying to my mother, shouting “I WANT TO DIE.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

I contemplated suicide and dying a lot when I was younger. I had no friends, no family, nothing positive I could remember at all. The only thing I had in my life was school, and that made me more miserable than ever. I couldn’t concentrate on my school work and teachers were anything but encouraging. They seemed all too happy to scold me or punish me for things I may not have even done. I felt stupid when I couldn’t finish my homework in time because the environment at home was not conducive for studying at all, so eventually I stopped doing homework altogether. I don’t remember anything to smile about except the rare occasions I did art and read books.

“It’s strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.”

Those two things made me happy, because I could lose myself and be transported into another world, one where things weren’t so difficult. Luckily for me, eventually I joined the choir, and that took a huge load off my shoulders. My choir teacher was one of the very few people in school who liked me, and liked me she did, because I remember her always getting me to stand up and sing for everyone, and calling me the “reigning queen” in choir class and that made me oh-so-happy and a little bit more confident of myself, because I hardly ever received compliments, and every time I did, I would remember it. That was the only saving grace of any self-worth I had left. Of course, the other kids wouldn’t accept me being praised and turned “reigning queen” into “raining queen” and that was another one of my nicknames. Ah, those kids. Those bloody kids. In case you couldn’t already tell, this is the story about how I got bullied in school, to the point where I had to see a counseller for child depression.  At one point, I told myself, “FUCK THIS. Fuck all of you. I’m shutting myself out.” And that was the moment I decided I didn’t know how to feel happiness.

I may not remember all their names, faces or what exactly happened that day. But I’ll always remember how they made me feel. Kids who had trouble at home found comfort in school, when they have fun with their friends. Kids who hated school sought solace at home where they could be left alone. Me? Things at home were a downright mess and we actually lost the home I grew up in after a few years, so we had to move in with one of my mum’s friend who agreed to let us stay at their home for free. But what my mum and her friend didn’t know is that the parents of this said friend-of-mum’s would abuse me when she wasn’t around. The mother would abuse me verbally and mentally, always putting me down, insulting me and getting me to do stupid shit for her as though I was her maid like mop her table and fetch things for her like a dog. If I would refuse, she would scold me endlessly and complain about me to my mother. The father, on the other hand, would abuse me physically, in ways I really don’t think I should begin describing on my blog…… because some things are…. best not shared with the internet. Let’s just say I was never the same again after that…. Keep in mind all of this was happening concurrently with the bullying going on at school. It took me many years to get over it.

“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

When I was about 11 years old, I discovered the internet. My life was changed forever, for the better. I started making friends online on forums, and spent much of my time playing games and chatting with people. Of course, I never told them I was eleven. Everyone believed that I was Jessica Lo (without the H, LOL), 19, from California. I guess I’ve always been rather eloquent (no shame in admitting what’s true!), especially in writing, so that wasn’t so hard to believe. Back in the day, we didn’t have broadband, only dial-up. I really pissed my parents off when I racked up $1000 in internet bills for A MONTH’S usage. That’s how addicted I was. It was nice being able to converse with people online because they didn’t know who I was. They didn’t give me a hard time, and they were there when I needed somebody to talk to. I guess we all needed somebody to talk to me. It was like books, but better because it interacted with you! While. My eyes were opened to the world out there. My grasp of the English language and level of social maturity also improved a whole lot after I started speaking to a lot of 20+ year old Americans (as opposed to chatting with my other 12 year old Singaporean friends).

So the next few years of my life went by really quickly… It always does when you spend a lot of time on the computer, doesn’t it? I entered high school as a super-geek (think: glasses. greasy hair. english speaking. loves books. always raises hands to answer teachers questions. no friends. super mega loser) but after a couple of months, things quickly changed. I somehow made friends with some of the most popular (notorious?) girls in school even though they totally hated me at first (??? How’d we end up being best friends remains a mystery till this very day). By popular I don’t necessarily mean the most well-liked people in school (HAHAH sorry girls but you know we were bitches. Fabulous bitches) everyone seemed to know who they were! They were the sort of girls who when they walked past, you could tell people were looking at them. And eventually, people started noticing me too. People whom I didn’t know, knew my name. Wow. FINALLY. That was a nice change. I did anything I could to fit in. I just wanted to be anything but the wallflower I thought I was destined to be. But I’m sure more than a few people noticed what a sore thumb I was. I stood out from the rest in a very awkward way. Maybe my Hokkien vulgarities weren’t convincing enough because it had an angmoh slang to it. It’s funny how we started being friends, actually. We were having a class camp and I was trying to sleep, then this noisy girl called Jasmine and her friends JUST WOULDN’T STOP LAUGHING. I re-iterated many times, “If you all don’t shut up / stop talking / go to sleep I’m going to tell the teacher right now okay!!!!” OMG that was how annoying I was. I started reading books less and tried to be less of a smart ass. I went from always raising my hands in class to falling asleep in class. I got rid of my greasy centre parting loser haircut and layered my hair just like how every ah lian did. I wore ankle socks, folded my skirt, and picked up Hokkien vulgarities. We had a lot of fun together and often laughed until our tummies ached or until our stomachs hurt. They started out hating me, but ended up loving me. Awww.

“There’s nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.” 


Suddenly, I was officially in the cool crowd. We did a lot of crazy things in high school together. We skipped classes all the fucking time to do the randomest things like making a ruckus in open air carparks, drawing offensive words on each other’s hands in colorful markers, attempting to smoke, vandalizing playgrounds, shoplifting (hey I’m not proud of it but we all have a past right?) and sometimes terrorizing other people. I tried not to partake in taunting other people too much (note: TRIED) because I know how it feels like to be bullied. You could say this was the “high” point of my life. Primary school was a low, this was a high. But just because I got “high” (literally) doesn’t mean things were actually going well. It was still terrible, in fact. I would stay out all night getting up to mischief, and not tell my mum where I was. My mother was appalled by my new found rebellious behaviour and threatened to disown me I began spiraling out of my control and my grades dipped to an all-time-low, and if it wasn’t for my teacher Mr Yeo who brought me back down to earth, I don’t know how long I could continue floating around for. Mr Yeo could tell that things at home were really messed up and started reaching out to me in ways no other teacher had ever done. When I stopped coming for classes, he knocked on my house door instead, not giving up on me even when I pushed him away. I owe so much to him, for bailing me out whenever I got into trouble and for being the reason why I was not expelled from school when I was 15. High school really was a whirlwind. So many experiences in such a short amount of time. I met my ex-boyfriend, fell in love, then fell out of love. A lot of crying was involved. Coz when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love, you’re gonna believe them.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Not all was fine and dandy throughout my four whole years with my friends, of course. During my last year, I fell out big time with my clique after I started blogging more often and drifting away from them (I guess the popularity got to my head) and they hated me so much, they actually wanted to pound me into a pulp right before my O’levels began, threatening to break my arm so that I couldn’t sit for my written paper. I was literally outnumbered in a dark corner (1 of me and many of them), surrounded by really angry people who wanted to tear me apart. (I have a knack for making people dislike me it seems) At that moment… I thought I was doomed. I could see the hate in their eyes. And I wonder how people who spent 4 years of their lives together could let it amount to this. But well, it didn’t happen in the end…. (I knew you guys wouldn’t hurt me *weak smile*) and today we are friends again. Yeah, my life really is VERY dramatic. I scored really terribly for my O’levels, by the way. I walked out of my Chinese paper halfway and fell asleep during my Mathematics paper after scribbling some smiley faces. What a failure. I thought my life was over after getting above 20 points for my O’levels and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 2 years, lost my high school friends that I shared some of my best life memories with, and scored disgustingly shitty points for my most important examination of my life. I hit a new “low” point in my life.

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

To people who are awaiting your O level results, or who are taking it soon or feeling bad about your grades… it really isn’t everything. As long as you’re smart, resourceful, lucky, talented, passionate, driven or at least ONE of these things, you’ll make it somewhere. Somewhere is better than nowhere.

Fast forward a few more years… I went to take a private diploma in MDIS, met a boy named Sam, grew up, started up a cake making business out of passion, had a few cute babies I didn’t tell my blog readers of (just kidding. wait, or am I? :P) and now I’m 21 years old, sitting here, typing this.

Despite how my traumatic early years could’ve damn well ruined me for good, I am thankful to have gone through those experiences because it has ultimately shaped and molded me into the person that I am today. I picked myself off the ground, dusted the dirt off and went about on my way until I got to where I wanted to be. If I had not gone through such alarmingly shitty phases in my life, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to turn things around for myself. Because of all the bullying and torment I went through, I now take shit from nobody and put people in their place when they try to step all over me. One of the best feelings of turning 21 so far is the clear realization that.. Hey. I really do like who I am now. It feels good to be able to say this about myself. I believe I’m a good person, in a good place, doing good things. It’s not like I am anything near perfect, but I try to learn from my mistakes (most of the time) so I don’t beat myself up too much over the wrong doings I’ve committed. After battling with depression for a few years, I’ve now near mastered the life skill of always trying look on the bright side of life, while staying hungry for newer and better things, which pushes me towards my goals more. Do I have any regrets? Like Frankie would sing… Regrets; I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention. Life has gotten increasingly better throughout the years, and although life is not necessarily a bed of roses, making the best out of what I have everyday seems to be working for me. Am I a successful person? Well, compared to people who are representing their country in sports, winning Nobel prizes, earning millions when they’re in their twenties….. I’m not one of them. But I read somewhere that doing what you like is freedom, and liking what you do is happiness.

So at the end of the day, I can at least say I have both freedom and happiness in my life, two things I dared not believe I deserved barely years ago. That’s good enough for me.



“This moment will just be another story someday.”

Thank you for being a part of this story.

xoxo,
Jess
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