Previous Posts12345

Sam Nang Chan’s 25th Birthday!!!


August the 9th
was Singapore’s National Day, but what you guys don’t know is… it was also Sam’s 25th birthday!!!

I had him utterly convinced that I had NOTHING at all planned. He didn’t take that very well and kicked up a petty fuss haha… Well I don’t blame him. This was true up until the night before his actual birthday – I panicked and came up with a pretty good last minute plan!

It’s the first time we’re celebrating his birthday together even though we’ve been together for 2 years now, it just so happens that every time it was the 9th of August, he would be in Melbourne, while I was an 8 hours flight away, across globe in Singapore. So I wanted to plan something really really fun like a short getaway, but we’d already been to Bintan recently, so I opted for something personal and cozy.

(and preferably relatively inexpensive lol we’re saving up for our aussie trip in september)

Thanks to Sophie’s bf, Alaric, I managed to get him out of the house for a couple of hours and while he plays DotA in a lan shop, I’m coming up with birthday plans!


Surprise number 1:

25 reasons why I love him,
written in color pencil on small hearts that I’d cut out of drawing paper, hidden in various inconspicuous corners of my room for him to find! Like a Scavenger Hunt.

Image is purposely in bad quality and small-sized so you can’t see all of what I’d written lol. Some of them are personal hehehehe.

He started out with a large blank piece of canvas but he’s meant to find all 25 hearts hidden in my room and stick them onto the big white card with glue! I sort of #FAILED because it was like 3am at night and I’d actually FORGOTTEN where I placed some of the heart cards. LOL.

They were hidden so well that we spent at least 40 minutes trying to find all of them -___-” #notetoself: The next time you plan a surprise, don’t screw yourself over, lol.

25 reasons completed, yay!!! This is stuck onto our wall now :)

Some of the “25 reasons why I love you” include:

You always let me eat your food or decide what’s for dinner (What?? I love sharing food! By sharing I actually mean stealing other people’s food.)

You can’t sing but you go to karaoke with me because I like it

You’re never embarrassed to carry my handbag for me in public

You give awesome massages

You let me rest my leg on you when we sleep (I HAVE to do this. It’s hard for me to fall asleep otherwise lol I’d just put my whole leg over his lower body lmao)


Surprise number 2:

I told him I was going to cook dinner for him… but at the last minute I told him I couldn’t cook because the supermarket was closed and there was no groceries so we had to go out instead!

In actual fact, instead of going to a random restaurant, I brought him to Clarke Quay for a surprise dinner. Well not just ANY dinner, we had a special section of the restaurant decorated and booked out for him!!!

A table reserved for the both of us @ SQUE (click for more info)


sQue Rotisserie & Alehouse

6 Eu Tong Sen Street / #01-70 The Central (from the taxi stand, walk to the left past subway and keep walking)

Tel: +65 222 1887

The food’s soooo good. It’s a Rotisserie and Beer place, exactly what Sam loves!

He’s all like… “AWWW, all this for ME?! *hand action*”

LOL

Yep, he’s 25 but he still gets helium balloons for his birthday. If I could, I’d get him helium balloons for his birthday every year :)

Thank you Janice dear for making all of this possible!!! (the one taking his order. she’s the manager at SQUE, if you visit their restaurant say hi to her, she’s really friendly!)

I was stuck with Sam at home (swimming, playing online games, doing anything to pretend I didn’t have any plans so the surprise would be more surprising lol) and couldn’t go out to buy the decorations and jazz up the place myself. She had it ALL arranged for us when we arrived!! Without her, I dunno what I would’ve done for his b’day because we were so busy with cake orders I couldn’t take time away to arrange something completely by myself.

They have gorgeous alfresco seating where you have spectacular views of the buzzing nightlife along Singapore river and the other restaurants / pubs around, but we chose the indoor seating coz we preferred the air con lol. We cannot survive in anything more than 24 degrees.

Been hearing quite a bit about SQUE from Janice so I was really excited to try their food. Famished, we wasted no time in ordering a heap of food!

The food did not disappoint. In fact, it well exceeded expectations! It’s been awhile since we had good, authentic Western food and this was fantastic. It was the SQUE platter, came with crab meat cakes, baked potato stuffed with chicken, onion fried in batter, and chicken wings. (which was ok, everything else was yum)

They also provided 4 different types of dipping sauces which I LOVED.

That’s Sam’s sian face because he’s effing hungry but I’m stopping him from digging in cuz I need to take pictures. LOL. Rib eye stick with herb butter & skinny fries!!! YUMMMMERRZZ. Omg I’m so hungry now I cannot wait to finish this blog post and go out for dinner haha.

This was my fav part of the meal. Very tender and juicy!!! It’s not charred and doesn’t taste like your typical steak outside, this received mixed reviews from the other people who were present that day (which you’ll find out more of later on) but I personally liked it. A lot.

Beef cheek and pasta… this wasn’t exceptional, but it was yummy nonetheless. Very tender and juicy once again. I love pasta so this goes down well with me! But we probably appreciated it the least because it was the last dish to be served, and since their portions are pretty big, we were stuffed silly by our 2nd main course.

If you wanna head down there for a meal by my recommendation, be informed that their prices are not exactly cheap (but reasonable considering the quality and quantity), their main courses start from $30 plus per person but the servings are generous and they have amazing meat so I reckon it’s money well spent. Any money spent on food is well spent. :P


Cheeeeeers!!!

I’m not one for alcohol but it was a celebratory occasion and we had THE BEST peach beer ever!!! I dunno what it’s called but it’s so good. If you head down to SQUE they will let you know what it is coz it’s really popular. :)

The expression says it all. “DIS BEER IZ GUD.” Lul

Just when he thought that good food and a romantic table set up was highlight of his evening…

Some of his friends showed up at the restaurant to wish him Happy Birthday and joined us for dinner!!! Hehe. By no miracle of course -wink wink-

They were awesome for making it down on such short notice!!!

The rest of the night was… catching up, more beer drinking, more eating, rowdy laughter, nerdy discussions of virtual games and rubbing our full stomachs in happiness! (actually it was more of like… Ughhh I’m so full. *bloated face* )

Albert and Pearlyn! The rest were very camera shy.

For dessert, I ran out to get the cake I made for him which was sitting in SQUE’s fridge…

They helped me light the candles, I walked back into the restaurant holding an oreo rainbow cake with lighted candles and everyone started chorusing…


Happy Birthday to you….


Happy Birthday to you!!!

Happy Birthday *insert name here*

LOL this was the funny part. A lot of his friends present were from his World of Warcraft guild so some called him by his alias, SpiritEater. Some just said, “Sam.” As for Janice, I think she called him by his full name – Sam Nang Chan?!?!

Hahaha and as for me…. I just kept quiet because honestly I didn’t know what to say. Should I sing “Happy Birthday dear boyfriend?” or “Happy Birthday dear Sam?”

“Make a wish before you blow out the candles!!!”

Made me happy inside that people were excited about the cake! SQUE’s staff were like “You made this yourself? Nooo way!” and when people saw the rainbow interior their reactions were even better!

They even took the leftovers home!

It’s a simple butterscotch rainbow layered cake with oreo frosting and oreo cookies lining the bottom. The black smudges on the left side of the cake was from cutting into the black oreo frosting.

The face of the cake just has the words “To: Sam. Happy 25th Birthday!” I wanted to make him an epic dinosaur cake (if you remember I made a fail one for him last year) but I’m hopelessly busy these days so that wasn’t an option. Anyway we make so many cakes all the time I doubt he can be arsed with cakes anymore lol.

We’ve made probably like 100 rainbow cakes by now for other peoples birthdays, yet Sam and I have never had ONE to ourselves! (besides the first time we ever made it. our recipe has improved since then)

Thought it’d be nice if he was on the receiving end for once :)

Made our way home around Midnight.

It’s been like 2 weeks since his birthday but the helium balloon is still floating! Amazing.

Happy (belated, hurhur) Birthday Sam!!!

Lots of love,
from the best girlfriend in the world. (You Know It. LOL)

xoxo,
Jess

Flames to dust

I used to feel your fire

But now it’s cold inside

Flames to dust

Lovers to friends

Why do all good things come to an end?

.
.
.

We haven’t gone our separate ways, well, yet.. but why do I get the feeling we’re on our way there? People say that couples spend half their time together breaking up.

I don’t quite know how to explain it properly.

But you know something’s wrong when you lock yourself in your room, listening to sad songs and stifling tears, trying to seek solace in some form of writing while he chooses to ignore your emotions and prevailing problems.

A thin wall separates us but I feel like we are so far away.

When did we stop trying?

I guess to me, it was the day you chose to look away while I was crying instead of catching my tears. Or the other time (many times, actually) you walked out of the room instead of staying to talk things through.

I can’t say this is new to me, but it hurts all the same. It’s scaring me actually, will this be a cycle for all my relationships? I remember this happening exactly the same way it happened with the previous one.

At first, everything was about you. Anything you wanted in the world, he would run to the ends of the earth, to hell and back just for you. Then one day, mild disagreements happen. Soon after, comes rational arguments. Not long before heated yelling…

When heated yelling doesn’t work no more, in time to come the arguments will just end abruptly with cold stares and hot tears. Well tears streaming down from my side at least. He never cries till I mention I’m leaving him. And I’m sickened by the fact that it’s the only thing I can ever say to trigger a reasonable amount of reaction or response from him. I’m one of those girls terribly guilty of threatening to break up with their boyfriend but never get around to doing it. I know I shouldn’t, because I get less convincing each time I say it again… but sometimes I do mean it, I’m just not strong enough to let go. I hate myself for being so weak-willed.

If you actually listened, for once, when I talk to you, maybe I don’t have to resort to empty threats.

Why do boys never love you enough until you’re walking away from them?

You blame me for always picking fights with you. Well it’s better than being oblivious to the whole situation like you are. I’d rather trash out all my problems and at least attempt to solve them, than to just keep pretending everything is fine and dandy when I KNOW it’s not. YOU know it’s not, but you choose to do nothing about it. You don’t care enough anymore.

I was just watching a Gossip Girl episode before, and something a main character said really hit me hard.

“No 2 people should spend 24 / 7 together, no matter how much they love each other.”

I feel like a suffocating, trapped, married woman at 18….. technically 19 in September.

I see his face every morning, every night, I work with him (the most motherfucking frustrating thing I’ve ever done in my life besides math, he is so difficult) and I cook dinner too. I hardly do the things a normal teenager does. I miss having time to myself. I think we’ve both been working so hard that we’ve completely ignored our romance relationship.

I miss missing him.

I miss feeling excited about having a boyfriend. At the moment he just feels like a companion I’m used to having around in my life. By the way he treats me and the things he says, it seems he thinks less of me than a “companion”. It’s almost as if he can’t stomach me, and I find this most puzzling.

I’ve never asked any of this from you. Well I may have hinted my desires but not once in this relationship have I demanded for your money, attention, time or commitment. Every move on your part was 100% voluntary. I didn’t force you to quit your job, leave your friends and family in Melbourne to come live with me in Singapore.

If you’re not going to give it your all, why are you even sticking around? No, wait, why did you even come here in the first place?! It’s painful trying to avoid someone living under the same roof as you. And no, don’t say you’re trying because we both know you’re not.

Give him a break, people say, because not every guy is willing to make that sacrifice. But pray tell, what is the point of closeness and physical touch if we can’t even stand the sight of each other now?! All that closeness ever did was drive us even further apart.

The first time we talked, I had just got out of an abusive relationship after being trapped in it for close to 3 years, and you were the only friend there for me. You encouraged me to get out of it. You know perfectly how he treated me and you promised me a brighter future.

Why fix something, only to break it all over again?

You were everything I thought he was not, but tonight I look into your eyes and search desperately for the guy I’ve once known… he’s nowhere to be found.

Perhaps this was all a huge mistake. We’re constantly taking on more than what we can handle.

I mean, what were we even thinking? (we weren’t)

Diving head first into a long distance relationship after 2 months, moving in with each other after a year and starting a business venture by the 2nd?

We might as well have set off a suicide bomb the first day we met because it’s only a matter of time before everything we’ve ever built together blows up in our faces and comes crashing down on us. I can see the end before it’s even begun.

Is it unfair for me to say I still love you.. but somehow, I’m just not that in love with you anymore?

xoxo,
Jess

Sam & a squeaker toy

LOLOL one fine afternoon, I was just being annoying and playing with the squeaking thingy from “Taboo” (the board game) when Sam took over and did this…


WATCHING THIS ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH!!!!
He is soooo silly.

Call this exploiting my boyfriend for blog content but I think it’s hilarious and cute so I’m sharing this, much to his reluctance (because of the gut bit lol)

At the end of the video tried to show the squeaker toy he was holding but ended up accidentally filming his protruding gut instead. Lol oops.

I ♥ him anyways :P

xoxo,
Jess

Should cheaters ever be forgiven?

I was watching Sex & The City (part 1 movie) for the first time the other day and I loved it!

Really fun show, amazing fashion, funny jokes, awesome vacations and everything but one thing I did NOT like about the movie was how Miranda’s husband Steve cheated on her and all her girlfriends were saying “It was a mistake to have left him” and that “You should take him back”.

….Ok…..


SAY WHAT?!?!!?!?

On what grounds should Miranda even CONSIDER taking Steve back?? (Sure they have a kid but I’d rather my parents be divorced if they didn’t love each other than force themselves to be together just cuz of me)

With the kid out of the picture… I mean it’s just awful that her girlfriends who are supposed to care about her well being would even suggest that, especially since she was STILL pissed off at her husband at that moment in time and obviously wasn’t ready to take him back anytime soon.

I know this was just in the movies but eh.. I can totally imagine this happening in real life to other people.

In fact, I always get people “Should I take my cheater ex back?” on Formspring.

I can’t believe it’s even a QUESTION people would ask.

I’ve been cheated on by my ex before, and had anyone suggested taking him back I would have punched them in the face. Sure, I DID take him back once, twice, thrice… but hey, your friends are still not supposed to give you that sort of shitty advice. They are meant to be the voice telling you NO when your heart gives in and cries YES.

At least it always clear in my head that I SHOULDN’T forgive him, but I just wasn’t strong-willed enough to do it in a short amount of time.

Thank goodness I always had the support of most people around me, telling me I could definitely so much better than him and that I should just dump him. I can’t imagine how much more messed up I’d be if anyone suggested I actually NEED that sort of asshole in my life.

And since there will always be boys and girls out there getting their heart broken by sluts and assholes, I figured it’s never too late to do a cheater-flaming post even if my experience was 2 years ago, I still wanna share my thoughts on it.

Here’s to anyone who’s ever been cheated on… hear, hear!

WHY CHEATERS DON’T DESERVE TO BE FORGIVEN:


1) He didn’t love you enough.

In this post I will refer to classic examples of cheaters as “he”. Get used to it. I was cheated on by a guy, of COURSE I’m biased in thinking that most men think with their dicks. I’m speaking from first-hand experience.

How should I put this???

If your boyfriend / husband managed to ignore all his morals (if any) and whatever relationship value he had with you and shove his filthy wart-filled penis into another slut’s punani, then he DEFINITELY DIDN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH.

No self-respecting guy who treasures his girl would ever consider doing that to her, even if the passion has dulled and the relationship is a bore. The least a decent guy could do is to tell the girl it’s not working out, end the relationship in truce, then he is free to go shag himself silly after that, nobody will really care. (although everyone will think you’re an asshole)

But when your cheating boyfriend comes and begs you to forgive him because he didn’t mean it and that he is sooooo sorry..

DON’T BELIEVE HIM.

Especially if it’s not the first time – he’s not sorry as sorry for cheating as he is for being caught.

Look, cheating is not an involuntary physical condition. It’s a choice, and one that he MADE. At the expense of your trust and emotions.

Trust someone like that? No way.

I won’t lie, I’ve found myself close-ish to cheating situations before, when I was facing very rocky times with my ex, I met nice and cute guys who offered a shoulder for me to cry on and there was once my lips were inches away from this very attractive guy’s (yes cheating does not only consist of having sex. emotions things like kisses count too)

But you know what?

I didn’t kiss one of the cutest guys I’ve ever gone out with. I THOUGHT about doing it, but 2 seconds after realizing how close I am to doing what I’m thinking about doing, the thought of it sickened me to the core and I found myself abruptly getting up to leave, before things got really ugly and messy, much to Mr Cute Guy’s disappointment.

I can safely tell you that in EVERY cheater’s mind, there will come a time where their conscience has a face off with temptation.

And it goes a little like this:

Temptation: Man that chick is looking mighty fine with her tits hangin’ out for me to gawk at and all yo!

Conscience: What? How can you say that? You have a girlfriend.

Temptation: But my girlfriend ain’t fineeee like that yo!!!

Conscience: Ew gross. What kind of a slut tries to seduce another chick’s boyfriend like that? Grow up and go home to your girl. You’re better than that.

Temptation: DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN I’M TRYING TO FEEL UP SOME TITTIES HERE!!!

….

Ok actually that was kinda optimistic.

More like it would’ve been:

Conscience: Dude you have a girlfriend waiting for you at home you know.

Temptation: Yeah but have you seen those gorgeous tits, man? END OF CONVERSATION.

.
.
.
.

The point I’m trying to get at is – it’s not entirely true when he says he only did it “because he wasn’t thinking”. Unless he is seriously retarded or in a coma, everyone’s brains are functionally working every second of the day.

Perhaps he wasn’t thinking STRAIGHT (obviously), he was definitely THINKING alright, because he consciously and readily made the decision of hurting your feelings in order to gain temporary relief and satisfaction.

He made a little mental evaluation in his head that sex with some hoe would bring him more gratification than his relationship with you. He made the decision that…. your feelings were irrelevant, and that his sexual desires are of much greater importance.

Before you rush into his arms again and think about forgiving him, think about how this fact makes you feel.

.
.
.
.
.
.


2) He says he will never do it again.

Remember when he last said that a year ago?

No? He’s never cheated on you before?

Well, do you remember when he said he would LOVE you?

Does cheating on you seem like good lovin’ to you? (refer to point 1)

That’s right. The answer is no.

I’m not saying your cheating ex didn’t love you honey, I just said he didn’t love you ENOUGH. What constitutes good, proper loving? I am in no position to tell you what your relationship needs, since everyone thinks of love in different ways. But as a well-grounded girl who’s been in both healthy and unhealthy relationships, I can sure as hell say you don’t need a lying horny selfish manipulative bastard in your life.

I remember when I was crying my eyes out in my mum’s room asking her for advice, one lonely night 3 years ago. Nothing new, the same old “OMG HE LIED OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”

She had a sad look in her eye when she said “Leopards never change their spots.”

In other words, liars are manipulative blood suckers who feed off causing other people pain and the thrill of deceiving others successfully. Some people are just born this way.

Some people are born without legs, arms, sight, hearing, and some people are just born without the ability to love someone else wholeheartedly.

As hard as it is to fathom…. it’s a cold hard fact.

If he can hurt you once, he can hurt you again. Nobody can tell you whether he truly WILL do it again or not, but let’s just be safe and bet on the fact that he bloody will and save yourself some heartbreak, will ya?

Do you really wanna even risk going through all that emotional and physical pain again? When the person you love so much tears you apart and stomps on the shattered pieces of your fragile heart, the pain becomes physical.

Your chest feels so tight from the tugging pain in your heart (yes it really feels like someone is tugging on my heart strings and gripping my heart so very tightly in their hands), you can hardly think normally from the endless hours of crying and your eyes can’t even open properly because they’re swelled up from all the tears and even breathing seems like a chore.

I hate how men say, “But baby, it didn’t mean anything, I swear!”

Well guess what asshole?!? IT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.

A whole freakin lot, in fact. It hurt my feelings, cut me deep and erased whatever trust I ever had for you, does that mean ANYTHING to you at all? Can it not be about YOU and your penis or your non existent feelings for once?

It doesn’t matter if it was only JUST that one time to you.

Cuz one time – that’s all it takes for the image and knowledge of it occuring to haunt me for the rest of my life. Enough to make me cry a river of tears and feel worthless, thanks to you. So “one time” isn’t a small deal to me like it is to you.

It was never about the physical activity you had going on with her.

It was always about the fact that you chose her, over me, your girlfriend, the one you supposedly “love”.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Of course, it’s not easy to let go, and talk is cheap. I know. I was stuck in that situation for more than 2 years, cursing myself everyday for allowing myself to prolong the pain. But no pain, no gain.

And through this experience I’ve definitely gained some insight and first hand experience on how to deal with lying assholes.

I have also realized that it wasn’t entirely his fault that the lies went on for so long. I should have stopped this one way train to self-destruction dead in its tracks when I had the chance the very first time I found out.

But no, like the world’s biggest sucker I happily lapped up all his lies and whatever bullshit he chose to feed me with and in return, LIED to myself that HE wasn’t lying.

Does that even make any sense???

I thought…. well, it’s been a facade this whole time, so what if I continue living in this facade for a little whole longer? Couldn’t hurt.

But everyone snaps out of self-denial eventually and the pain will hurt you harder than ever, because in the end you have nobody to blame but yourself. Which brings me to my next point.


3) It’s NOT your fault, and you CAN’T fix him.

Whenever people ask, “Why are you still with him?” I give them a forced feeble smile but no answer. I utter a weak “Things are better now….” and in my head it continues, “But it’s only a matter of time before things turn to shit again.”

Self-denial is dangerous. Sometimes you lose track of what’s happening in REALITY and what’s being faked in your idealistic word.

I think, somewhere along the lines of being lied to a million times, I lost myself. I lost the anger, the strive to want to lead a better life and I ended up being submissive. Instead of blaming him, I started blaming myself.

….”What’s wrong with me?! I’ve loved him unconditionally and tried to be the best girlfriend I can be – Why does he still not love me?

Am I not pretty enough? Does my personality suck? Am I boring, why would he fall for some other chick? Am I just NOT GOOD ENOUGH???

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!!!!!”

And that is, in all honesty, the worst feeling you can get from being cheated on. When the pain settles in, when you resign to your miserable fate and instead of asking yourself “Why am I with this douchebag?” you ask….

“What’s wrong with me?”

I spent ALL my remaining time blaming myself, and trying to fix him. Even though I never really told anyone I blamed myself, I did. Beneath that anger was a deep sadness I could never bring myself to express fully.

I tried to fix him…. I tried really, really hard. Tried to fix him so much that in return, I was broken. It was no longer a surprise whenever he lied. It was just like, “It’s okay, if I keep loving him unconditionally, he will love me back someday.”

It was almost as if it was a test to prove myself right. Like, HEY, don’t worry, some day he will think you’re worth something. You just gotta wait for the right moment. It wasn’t even about him anymore.

It was about ME, and my need to make things better. My obsessive need to make sure everything was under control. That I had the ability to make things all right again. I think it’s all part of being a Virgo (lol no I don’t really believe in horoscope)

Needless to say, the moment never came. He wasn’t Mr. Right, and in fact he wasn’t even Mr. Right Now.

If I was so smitten, why did I dump him coldheartedly in the end? Well I can’t really tell you exactly why, all I know is, one day I woke up going “FUCK THIS SHIT. I’ve had enough.”

“It’s not my fucking fault if this boy does not see a good girl dangling right before his eyes and chooses the whores instead. Tired of teaching him how to love, tired of teaching him how to be an honest, good person. I’m tired of mothering him, and I miss loving myself. I miss putting MYSELF before someone else. I miss me.”

Forget about the good times we had and what we used to share. I want to look forward to the FUTURE, not back on the past, and even though I’m not sure what is in store for me out there, it’ll be brighter than whatever we have now.

Contrary to what most other people believe, relationships are not just about the good times. Life isn’t a sky full of rainbows, sooner or later you’re going to experience worse days, then what? I can have a good time with ANYONE, even with the guy down the street, but does that mean I want to be his girlfriend? Everyone’s nice when the situation is in their favour.

Judge a person not based on their good days, but on their off days. See if you still like that person when their mask comes off and they reveal who they truly are deep down inside.

What makes a relationship solid is when shit hits the fan, can you count on the other person to get your back?

If you can’t…. bail.

Now, while you still can.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Wow… if handwriting could ever “look” sad, this sure would be it.


5) And my final point?

Even if you think you can forgive him, chances are, one day your fascination with him is going to fade and you’re going to wonder what the fuck you’re doing with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

When you look at his face, you won’t see the boy you knew when you first fell in love with him anymore.

All you’ll see is the face of a liar.

When you kiss him, you don’t enjoy the intimacy – instead you feel grossed out because you can TASTE the nasty residue of that hoe whom he got down and dirty with, behind your back.

When he hugs you, you think of the same hands caressing someone else not so long ago and you feel FILTHY from head to toe.

When you look into his eyes, instead of seeing faith, warmth and trust, all you see is a black hole of emptiness. A reminder of what could’ve been… but never really was.

Every time he says he’s going somewhere with someone, you scrutinize his facial expressions to try and see if he’s telling you a lie. When he says, “I love you baby”, you go “Yeah bloody right.” in your head. Whenever he does something else wrong, it somehow always leads back to the time he lied to you and broke your heart.

Things can never be the same again. Time can cover up wounds but it will not change facts or erase memories.

Perhaps you can somehow bring yourself to forgive…. but you will never, EVER forget.

(case in point, years after breaking up with my ex I’m still rambling on about how cold hearted he is)

Don’t punish yourself for the mistake he did. It’s just not worth it. Love does not mean blindly caring for him unconditionally, if you’re absolutely miserable in the relationship you’re in at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to stand up for yourself and pursue your own happiness for once….

DO IT.

If you were looking for an answer, I hope you have it now.

Theme song of my past relationship.

I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday.

xoxo,
Jess

Living Alone

I miss living on my own.

I don’t actually like being all alone, but I do enjoy quiet time with myself very much. As equally as I relish spending quality time with the people I care about.

The thing is..

I’ve been with Sam EVERY SINGLE DAY since November 2010, that’s coming to 5 months now – and frankly it’s driving me a little insane. It’s not that I have grown sick of him, it’s just that, I reallyyyyyyyyy miss being on my own. I miss being able to be me. In fact I miss me so much that I’m afraid I might lose that part of me if I live with him long enough.

Am I crazy to say that sometimes I feel like I am my own best friend? When I’m alone, I have little conversations with myself inside my head. It’s like I am free to do and say anything I want, because nobody is watching or judging me.

Solitude is almost enjoyable when you can keep yourself self-entertained as I do.

We all know quality time with your loved ones is important, but has no one ever noticed how important quality time for YOURSELF is, too? Self-reflection – something that hasn’t been happening enough for me recently.

So single people, rejoice because you get to experience these things that I don’t get to anymore:

#1) I miss not sharing my bed with anyone.


Godaaammmittt!

Can there be ONE night that I don’t have to stick to one side of the bed??

I WANT TO ROLL AROUND on BOTH sides AND ENJOY THE SPACIOUSNESS!

I want to lay sprawled out on the bed with my arms and legs fully spread out. I want to have ONE night that I don’t need wake up at 3am to search for my bolster because my boyfriend has stolen it from my grasp while I was asleep.

I want allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the blanket to myself, and I hate having Tug-O-Wars with my blanket with him!!

IT’S MY BLANKIE. T______T



MINE.

I know I sound so childish but what the bejeezus is the point of having an extra large queen sized bed if you’re gonna have to share it with someone else who happens to take up 3/4 of the space anyway?? My bf is the sort who steals blankets from people and takes up half of the bed while still saying

“No space, move over!!”


#2) I miss farting and burping whenever I like.
In my own room of course.

Bitch pleaaaaase.

There’s nothing like having to hold in your own farts in your own room. Where the fuck is the comfort of home, you tell me?!? If I cannot fart in my own house, WHERE in the world can I let it rip in peace?

I know I CAN fart and burp in front of my boyfriend, but I don’t wanna gross him out too much and too often now, do I? He does it in front of me sometimes and it really grosses me out because they fucking stink (yes, let’s admit it kids, farts stink) so I tryyy not to do it to him as much as possible.

Sometimes I burp in his face just for fun, then giggle about it and think I’m cute (I know it’s totally not cute) but that is a completely different story.

I’m now talking about the kind of farts that sounds like an elephant is having an orgasm in your asshole. Like an angry male lion that just found out he got cheated on by his lioness wife.

The kind of farts the rest of humankind should never have to hear.


#3) I miss waking up at my own timing.

Because if he wakes up, I get woken up too. I’m not a heavy sleeper, so the slightest movement will jolt me awake instantly. Gone are the days when I can just drift off to sleep peacefully (refer to point 1) and then wake up according to whenever my body feels like getting up.

NO. I’m thrown back into reality oh so suddenly even when my soul is still floating in dream land, because my bf got up at 7am to take a piss. I was dreaming of riding killer whales and being a supermodel too.

Well thanks a lot… not!!!

Stop ruining my perfectly good dreams!!!

It also seems that whenever I have good dreams, he wakes me up but when I have nightmares, I get undisturbed sleep. Because the world works in mysterious ways.

Oh oh oh which brings me to point 4.


#4) I also miss going to sleep at my own timings.

“Can you turn off the lights??”

“What? It’s only 3am!”

“…ONLY 3am?! Wtf are you talking about? I’m dead sleepy already!”

“But I’m not sleepy at all!”

“Why are you so inconsiderate?”

“Why are you so annoying???”

-___-”


#5) I miss playing my own music and singing Youtube karaoke until my lungs give up into the wee hours of the morning.

I love music. I cannot live without music.

Sam unfortunately has very weird taste in music. He only thinks certain songs are nice, and pretty much hates the rest of the songs he’s never been exposed to – he’s very narrow-minded that way. I, on the other hand, listen to a WIDE, wide range of songs. I don’t care about the genre, if it is a good song, then it’s a good song. (unless it’s a house / techno song then it is a shitty song)

I like anything from Beethoven Classical to Booty Shakin’ Black Rap to Bubble Gum Pop Katy Perry to Alternative bands like Weezer.

So half of the time, when I play music, he goes like, “Can you turn that shit off?”

Fuck my life!!!!!!!!!

Listening to the music you like is one of god’s given rights to humans!!!! One of my FAVOURITE things to do at home is singing in the shower

(“Why do you sing in the shower?”)

and singing Youtube karaoke from 12am to 4am

(“Why do you sing so late at night?”)

Now I cannot do any of that. :(

In fact, I’m blasting music and it’s 3am now and he got so pissed off that he went to sleep outside on the couch. WTF. I want to feel bad for him and be understanding, but I can’t. It feels soooo good to feel like this is MY room once again. I especially miss listening to Justin Bieber and songs with deep basses because apparently both of these things hurt his ears. A lot.

Whatever.

Guess which one of my favourite songs I’m belting out at the moment?? :D :D :D


ALLLLLLLLLL BY MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I wanna beeee… all by myself sometimes!

Eric Carmen, Y U NO appreciate your solitude? How else you think your singing got so good right??? Because you were All By Yourself and no idiot keeps telling you to STFU when you practice singing! DUH!


#5) I miss wearing granny underwear.

……And not getting judged for it.

So when you go to your boyfriend’s house or when you go on important dates, you wear sexy lingerie. At home, you wear underwear that looks like your Nanny picked it out for you.

ADMIT IT! If you wear sexy underwear even at home you must be a slut!!!!

Always invite guys over to have mass orgy right?

Anyway.

Stupid movies always portray actresses looking like goddesses going to sleep in amazingly exquisite pajamas from Victoria’s Secret
(are you kidding me? my PJs are all torn and tattered)

Like this:


YA FUCKING RIGHT.

Well it’s not totally impossible but like I said, unless you are a slut who’s waiting to get fucked every night you don’t sleep in something like that.

Sexually appealing night gowns us humans can still achieve by buying in stores, what’s reaalllyyy incredulous is when they show women in movies miraculously WAKING UP LOOKING LIKE THIS:


Sorry, not ever happening pumpkin!!!

Pretty sure more than half of us wake up looking like ogres / trolls. #truestoryimmarealwoman

Something about being women makes us deteriorate overnight. I think it’s safe to say we look a helluva lot better when we’re going to sleep instead of when we’ve just woken up and looking like Courtney Love getting wasted.


I KNOW
that every one of you actually wake up looking kinda like…


That.

N’aw, don’t worry.. Not that there’s actually anything wrong with it, sorta cute and human-like actually.

Yeah let’s face it, the world ain’t pretty and full of sparkles and rainbows. It’s full of disheveled hair and crap in your eyes and bad breath in the morning and clogged up noses and bloated faces and croaky voices.

Which also reminds me…

#6) I miss not waking up to bad breath.

Imagine this:

Boyfriend wakes up in the morning, turns over to you, kisses you on the forehead going “Good Morning Beautiful” and his lips turn upwards into a slight smile.

And you’re lying there, still groggy from the sleep and ALMOST in the romantic mood if not for the fact that his…………. breath……. bloody……

*reeks*

Reeks of last night’s dinner of pork chops you guys had!!! To think you thought cooking for him was a good idea. You now pay the price for being a fabulous girlfriend.

As he expects a favourable reply, you turn over to him, try your hardest not to gag or choke while breathing in his bad breath and also reply, “Good morning baby” in equally awful breath. I can’t think of a more unromantic way to start the day.

My conclusion? Mornings are never pretty. It has never been more evident since I’ve started living in with a partner.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Ok, I think I’m going to jump at this opportunity. Since Sam is sleeping outside on the couch now, I’m going to happily flop onto my bed all by myself!!!


JOY!!!!!

I know this doesn’t sound like the usual me but dangggggggg if you have ever lived with someone for this long, you’d know exactly what I’m going through.

…FREEDOM, Y U NO EXIST?

xoxo,
Jess
Previous Posts12345