I went downstairs for awhile in the noon..
And I sat at the place we used to sit and talk every other afternoon you’d drop by.
I didn’t know who you were then, but I was eager to lap it all up, every single tiny detail I learned about you through our conversations. I was dying to know you.
Wondering who you are.
Fastforward 2 years plus, there I am again,
…Sitting at the same place we used to sit..
Wondering who you are.
As I sat there alone rocking in the chair watching happy children play in the pool, I thought about the times you made me feel like I was a kid all over again.
You’ve taught me so many things in life.
But most importantly, you’ve shown me how to love…
The happiness… and the pain that comes along with it.
I’ve cried for you like I’ve never cried before. When physical pain is completely absent and all you feel is whats left of your heart being slowly but very painfully torn apart.
I wonder why it is always like this.
Whenever we take a break from each other, I find myself thinking of the good old times.. Happy things. But before that, I was so focused on the negatives.
And then when I watched TV yesterday, I heard this quote which greatly enlightens me:
“Because at the end.. You think of the beginning.”
And it’s true. When I watched you leave my house that day, I also pictured the first time you came. Sneaking you in and hiding you here and there without anyone noticing was really fun.
And then before I knew it, tons of memories fill my mind.
Like they do every night.
A fool I am, mourning over you as if you were dead, when I was the one who wanted to break up. But you know very well I didn’t exactly WANTED to break up.
I just thought that I’m too young to be crying this hard for a man. A man who didn’t understand me. To be sacrificing this much.
To be taking all the bullshit you throw at me at times.
Because if I’d gritted my teeth and continued to keep giving in, you would go into army and then I knew I wouldn’t have the heart to walk away.
I didn’t want you to think I’m abandoning you just because you have to serve National Service.
That’s dumb. It’s just so much more than that.
You never understood how I felt. That’s always been the problem.
The sad part is,
You can’t MAKE someone understand.. they either do, or don’t.
For more than 2 years I have continuously told myself that the day would come.
Now I’m just not convinced the day would be soon… Perhaps you may call this selfish. But I want to spare you the heartbreak, tears and the quarrels as well. I want you to be happy.
No matter how mature I am for my age, there are still many things I do not know and fail to understand.
Even some people who have walked the entire journey of life still did not understand love while on their death bed, who am I to try understand such a complex thing?
All I know about love right now..
Is the way you make me feel. The way I’ve sacrificed so much for you that no one’s ever known. The way I can’t get to sleep at night without knowing you’re safe and sound. The way my heart lights up like a freaking inferno everything you plant your lips against mine.
Most people think this is puppy love.. But they have no idea just how much you mean to me.
I do not deny that I am young and perhaps still immature and inexperienced.
I lack the maturity and grace of a woman who’ve seen the things I haven’t.
Which is why I have to walk away right now. Because I just don’t know how to deal with it. It’s so fucking hard to understand. I’m just not strong enough.
Neither are you.
You obviously cannot fulfill what you’ve promised… otherwise, things wouldn’t be how they are now.
And most good wives/girlfriends would understand and wait for their lover or something. But..
I cannot be the one who will accept such behaviour from you… Simply because I’m just not that kinda girl.
It just doesn’t feel right?
My personality… I’m really strong. I don’t take any bullshit from anyone. Sure, I do cry often, but I always wipe away my tears and grit my teeth and put up a fight. Even my dearest friends, whom I love very much, I gave them up because I felt we were too different and that they would never be able to accept our differences.
But with you, I cry… and I don’t stop crying.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?
Give me time, and hopefully I will learn.
I want to be the best girlfriend I could ever be for you, and I just don’t think I fit the bill right now. Likewise, I feel that there are alot of things for you to think about.
You are my weakness.
With love comes jealousy, possessiveness..
But with jealousy and possessiveness should also come a certain sort of understanding and patience..
Which I think I can really improve on.
And I think you too, need some time alone to reflect on your doings and our relationship and hopefully come to your senses. To truly be that man I know you can be.
There are so many things I wish to say to you.. But perhaps now is not the right time. And this is obviously not the place to let out everything.
Our love goes on…
THIS IS NOT THE ABSOLUTE END YET. We promised each other we’d give us both time to think things through.
And I will be seeing him again soon (hopefully)
When we see each other again.. we’ll see how things work out. We both need a breather. I need to give him time to miss me, LOL.
Just how long would this break last, I don’t know. Months? Years?
Whatever it is.. I miss you every second, every minute and everyday.
I pray for the strength to get through these nights alone, without you by my side.
I look forward to the day we will embrace again. Or even the day I’d hear that charming, deep, voice of yours.. That was the soundtrack of my life’s best summer.
It feels crazy and meaningless to wake up each day being apart from you, so crazy indeed…
Sometimes I wish I had a more “stable” relationship.
But it’s this kind of love that makes people feel alive – the kind of love you never thought you’d do such crazy things for.
Empty as life may seem, I sure do feel alive right now alright. Alive only because a dead man couldn’t feel this much pain inside.