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Lethal combination

He makes you laugh, and he makes you cry

Nothing like a guy who makes you laugh and forget your troubles… or a guy that makes you laugh who is sometimes also the cause of your troubles

He’s there for you when nobody else was, but he’s not there when everyone else is

Just when you thought nobody gave two hoots about you, he surprises you by caring more than the people around you… but when you already have everyone’s attention, somehow he’s just not there like everyone else

He makes you feel special, and then you feel like you’re not good enough

When you feel like the most amazing girl in the world just because he said so.. and when his opinion is so significant, it turns what was once self-confidence into self-doubt because you wonder if you’re good enough for him

He spends a lot of time with you, then disappears

Because nothing like absence makes the heart fonder or wonder what it really means to you

He talks about something completely serious, in a joking manner

Or vice versa.. You never know when he’s for real or not, and you play mind games with yourself, wondering what he’s really trying to say.. decrypting hidden messages

He praises you, then points out your flaws

A compliment means so much more when it’s from someone who is used to pointing out flaws instead of someone who is used to singing praises

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And the thing that hurts the most is

It feels like he’s so near, and yet he’s so far away….

xoxo,
Jess

I need to find this guy

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,

who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,

or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…

Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,

who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,

who holds your hand in front of his friends,

who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.

One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you….

The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’

xoxo,
Jess
xoxo,
Jess

Over-possessive? I think not.

A friend invited me to this party tonight which sounds really awesome.

I am extremely tempted to go but after some reflection, I don’t think I’d be going afterall.

I haven’t “gone wild” for a long, long time now mainly cos I’m attached.

My friend asked just now, “why do you let a guy control you like that?”

I didn’t have a good answer for him then.

I just shrugged the thought off and continued working… now that I am home, that question repeats itself in my head.

“Why do you let a guy control you like that?”

And then I wonder… Am I really sacrificing too much of my precious youth? Why commit so young when I can party now?

True, if I were to call James right now and tell him I’m going to the party tonight, he’d be pissed and he wouldn’t allow me to go. (This party is pretty wild)

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But would I consider that being possessive?

…No, not really.

I would think his anger comes from the fact that I’m disrespecting him.

Disrespecting him because I wouldn’t want him to go to the party either, if I were in his shoes.

Disrespecting him because we know it’s that line in our relationship we don’t wanna cross.

Even if he allowed me to go, I don’t think I would in the end, either. (even though I’m tempted as hell)

For a moment, I had these thoughts:

“It’s just for a night… it’s not like you’re gonna fuck around, you’re just gonna have a little bit of fun. Besides, you know he’s lied to you and gone out with others behind your back before, so why can’t you do the same? You’re not really doing anything wrong anyway.”

And now I’m suddenly reminded of quarrels I’ve had with James in the past.

He used to have the same thoughts as well.

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…One important lesson this relationship has taught me is that

It’s Not Always About Who’s Right Or Wrong.

It’s about how your actions affect other people and how it makes you feel about yourself in the end.

How does one justify his “wrong doings” when it comes to matters of the heart? Love knows no logic.

So what if I’m not sleeping around and I’m just going to a party?

I would be doing something that I know my boyfriend wouldn’t approve of.

Even if I’m not doing anything WRONG per se, but I have chosen him to be my boyfriend and I have to respect him for who he is and what we have chosen to believe in.

It would be stupid to lie to him and go to the party behind his back – because if I want such freedom, then why should I stick with a boyfriend like him anyway?

People who constantly complain about not having enough freedom in their relationship really confuse me sometimes.

Since when was a relationship ever linked to “freedom“? The last time I checked, relationships were about commitment.

Besides chemistry, I believe that what keeps a relationship going strong is mutual understanding and respect.

If you have mutual understanding, quarrels would seldom occur because you know what you should and shouldn’t do. Problems would be easier to solve.

If you have respect for each other, problems like cheating on each other would cease to exist.

And in this case, mutual understanding would mean knowing or not knowing whether you can or cannot do something which would or wouldn’t hurt your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Since you know the answer, there are two outcomes:

1) Do something which you know your partner wouldn’t be unhappy about

2) Do something which you know your partner would be unhappy about but do it cuz you feel like doing it anyway

If your outcome is 2) then you probably don’t deserve to be in a relationship that requires commitment.

Cuz that’s very selfish thinking. If you’re selfish and don’t give a hoot about how your partner feels, why be in a serious relationship anyway?

It’s like betraying your own intelligence, which brings us back to my point on “how it makes you feel about yourself”

Just break up and do whatever the hell you want without hurting others.

If your and your partner have no respect for each other / mutual understanding then your relationship is as good as doomed either way.

So then, why should a problem such as “not enough freedom” exist? Is it even worth quarreling over at all?

I ask myself this question because James thinks I’m very possessive.

Obviously I don’t think I am VERY possessive, perhaps slightly at most.

I have my reasons for being slightly paranoid sometomes, but he often forgets that respect and trust needs to be earned, and once lost it is often hard to restore.

Me and James have yet to come to a certain level of understanding… and he obviously does not have a lot of respect for me sometimes (both of us have our faults)

But we have enough chemistry and everything else to keep us going on for now. (And I have enough patience)

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And I respect him enough to not lie to him just to get high and drunk at some party later on.

So I guess I’m not going to that wild, fun party tonight.

I guess I’m going to stay home and reflect a little bit more.

This post today is just a reminder to myself why I believe what I believe in. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, but if it does, then good on ya.

I feel like typing a whole lot more, but yea, that for another time.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Love.. how could I ever comprehend?

I went downstairs for awhile in the noon..

And I sat at the place we used to sit and talk every other afternoon you’d drop by.

I didn’t know who you were then, but I was eager to lap it all up, every single tiny detail I learned about you through our conversations. I was dying to know you.

Wondering who you are.

Fastforward 2 years plus, there I am again,

…Sitting at the same place we used to sit..

Wondering who you are.

As I sat there alone rocking in the chair watching happy children play in the pool, I thought about the times you made me feel like I was a kid all over again.

You’ve taught me so many things in life.

But most importantly, you’ve shown me how to love…

The happiness… and the pain that comes along with it.

I’ve cried for you like I’ve never cried before. When physical pain is completely absent and all you feel is whats left of your heart being slowly but very painfully torn apart.

I wonder why it is always like this.

Whenever we take a break from each other, I find myself thinking of the good old times.. Happy things. But before that, I was so focused on the negatives.

And then when I watched TV yesterday, I heard this quote which greatly enlightens me:


“Because at the end.. You think of the beginning.”

And it’s true. When I watched you leave my house that day, I also pictured the first time you came. Sneaking you in and hiding you here and there without anyone noticing was really fun.

And then before I knew it, tons of memories fill my mind.

Like they do every night.

A fool I am, mourning over you as if you were dead, when I was the one who wanted to break up. But you know very well I didn’t exactly WANTED to break up.

I just thought that I’m too young to be crying this hard for a man. A man who didn’t understand me. To be sacrificing this much.
To be taking all the bullshit you throw at me at times.

Because if I’d gritted my teeth and continued to keep giving in, you would go into army and then I knew I wouldn’t have the heart to walk away.

I didn’t want you to think I’m abandoning you just because you have to serve National Service.

That’s dumb. It’s just so much more than that.

You never understood how I felt. That’s always been the problem.

The sad part is,

You can’t MAKE someone understand.. they either do, or don’t.

For more than 2 years I have continuously told myself that the day would come.

Now I’m just not convinced the day would be soon… Perhaps you may call this selfish. But I want to spare you the heartbreak, tears and the quarrels as well. I want you to be happy.

No matter how mature I am for my age, there are still many things I do not know and fail to understand.

Even some people who have walked the entire journey of life still did not understand love while on their death bed, who am I to try understand such a complex thing?

All I know about love right now..

Is the way you make me feel. The way I’ve sacrificed so much for you that no one’s ever known. The way I can’t get to sleep at night without knowing you’re safe and sound. The way my heart lights up like a freaking inferno everything you plant your lips against mine.

Most people think this is puppy love.. But they have no idea just how much you mean to me.

I do not deny that I am young and perhaps still immature and inexperienced.

I lack the maturity and grace of a woman who’ve seen the things I haven’t.

Which is why I have to walk away right now. Because I just don’t know how to deal with it. It’s so fucking hard to understand. I’m just not strong enough.

Neither are you.

You obviously cannot fulfill what you’ve promised… otherwise, things wouldn’t be how they are now.

And most good wives/girlfriends would understand and wait for their lover or something. But..

I cannot be the one who will accept such behaviour from you… Simply because I’m just not that kinda girl.

It just doesn’t feel right?

My personality… I’m really strong. I don’t take any bullshit from anyone. Sure, I do cry often, but I always wipe away my tears and grit my teeth and put up a fight. Even my dearest friends, whom I love very much, I gave them up because I felt we were too different and that they would never be able to accept our differences.

But with you, I cry… and I don’t stop crying.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?

Give me time, and hopefully I will learn.

I want to be the best girlfriend I could ever be for you, and I just don’t think I fit the bill right now. Likewise, I feel that there are alot of things for you to think about.

You are my weakness.

With love comes jealousy, possessiveness..

But with jealousy and possessiveness should also come a certain sort of understanding and patience..

Which I think I can really improve on.

And I think you too, need some time alone to reflect on your doings and our relationship and hopefully come to your senses. To truly be that man I know you can be.

There are so many things I wish to say to you.. But perhaps now is not the right time. And this is obviously not the place to let out everything.


Our love goes on…


THIS IS NOT THE ABSOLUTE END YET.
We promised each other we’d give us both time to think things through.

And I will be seeing him again soon (hopefully)

When we see each other again.. we’ll see how things work out. We both need a breather. I need to give him time to miss me, LOL.

Just how long would this break last, I don’t know. Months? Years?

Whatever it is.. I miss you every second, every minute and everyday.

I pray for the strength to get through these nights alone, without you by my side.

I look forward to the day we will embrace again. Or even the day I’d hear that charming, deep, voice of yours.. That was the soundtrack of my life’s best summer.

It feels crazy and meaningless to wake up each day being apart from you, so crazy indeed…

Sometimes I wish I had a more “stable” relationship.

But it’s this kind of love that makes people feel alive – the kind of love you never thought you’d do such crazy things for.

Empty as life may seem, I sure do feel alive right now alright. Alive only because a dead man couldn’t feel this much pain inside.

xoxo,
Jess
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