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Leaving my skeletons behind

Extracted from my latest Dayre post.. here’s an emotional bit of me I haven’t shared in quite awhile.

Laying quietly next to him the night before, we talked about things like we usually do, throwing topics out there and discussing just about everything and nothing. Then we came across the topic of whether it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Being someone who loves deeply each time I decide I’m truly in it for real, I would say.. Life would have so little meaning if you didn’t give your heart away. Such love can be in the form of friendship, kinship or relationship. It’s selfless, bold and fulfilling.

But sometimes, it doesn’t always stay that way. Life gets the better of love. Patience turns into annoyance, effort morphs into complacency, kind words evolve into harsh ones and love slips through your fingers without you even realizing it.

I can’t say I don’t envy people who have never felt great loss of someone important in their lives. Sometimes I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse to be the type of person who feels every single thing intensely. Maybe living in oblivion is sad in its own quiet way, but it’s not the kind of sad that leaves you picking the pieces of your heart off the floor.

Most break ups are sad. But some are mind numbingly tragic.

Maybe, one day you’ll meet someone who starts a fire in you that never dies. But the saddest truth you’ll come to know is that you may not end up spending the rest of your life with that person.

Perhaps it’s especially morbid to meet such a person at a young age, because you spend the rest of your days trying to fill the empty hole they left behind. The realization that it’s probably never going to feel the same with anyone else is overwhelming. Suddenly, your life is completely defined by three segments: Before you met him, when you were with him, and life after it all fell apart.

I thought I knew what it meant to be heartbroken, but I did not know what it really felt like until I found myself choosing to lie on the floor instead of the bed to cry, because the floor felt cold and hard, and I just wanted to feel something apart from the hole in my empty heart.

Not eating, not moving, barely breathing, replaying the same sad song for hours on end, replaying everything you could and should have done better, questioning the point of your very existence, questioning God even though you’re not even religious. It’s when you choose to bleed just to know you’re alive.

It’s also when you’re wailing loudly despite knowing there’s no one there to hear your pathetic cries or to give you their sympathy. I thought we were going to have children and the rest of our lives together. After all, that’s the only future I ever knew. People don’t realize that I did not just lose a boyfriend of 6 years – I lost the house we were staying in together, my job that we worked together in, my everyday lifestyle, everything that I knew.

I thought that when the days of uncontrollable sobbing and being motionless in bed for extended periods of time stopped, so would the pain. Today, it has been more than a year since I decided to leave my ex of 6 years.

While I don’t cry over it as often as I used to, and no longer see his face or hear his name in everything I do and everywhere I go and I realize that my life is my own.. it still gets me real down every now and then. Just when I thought I’ve gotten over it, there will come a sleepless night that convinces me otherwise. And then it hit me.

There are some wounds that will take more than just a few years to heal, and there are broken hearts that surgery can’t fix.

I should allow myself to feel everything that I am feeling, and I should feel no shame in admitting that yes, even though a year has passed (it’s coming to 2 soon), sometimes I still think of Sam and everything we used to do and have. Not in a particularly romantic way, but sometimes, just mourning the loss of something really special and great.

After all, we’ve stayed in three different homes together, raised adorable pets together, been through unimaginable shit with each other, built a business and worked together, saw the other person’s face everyday for 5 years straight – we basically revolved every inch of our lives around each other. I did spend more than a quarter of my life with this person, and he taught me a lot of what I know today as a person.

I was supposed to marry him, but due to unfortunate circumstances, I did not. I left him instead. Because despite how truly amazing we could be together sometimes, the bad times would rock and shake my entire world and left me with zero self esteem, and a lot of negative emotions, which eventually ate me up inside. Our lack of experience in dealing with difficult life situations and snarky attitude got the better of us.

Everyday, I am still learning new lessons from my previous relationship. I often reflect and think about what it all means. Everyday, I am finding new meaning. Recently, I’ve found myself thinking about Sam a lot more, and I was confused by why this was happening.

After some pondering, I realize it’s because of a new character making a significant impact in my life story. Shortly after my break up with Sam, I dated someone for 8 months, from late last year to a few months ago.

Yeah, it didn’t work out. I’d hate to call it a rebound, but I guess I was lonely, and he was enthusiastic, appearing at the right place at the right time. I thought that was what I wanted. Several months in, however, I realized it was a mistake, and called it off when I could no longer keep up pretending that it was going fine, when it wasn’t. We weren’t suitable for each other at all.

But this time around, dear dayre, it’s different. Right from the start, I could tell. This guy makes me feel things I never believed I would feel again. Emotions that I haven’t felt since 7 years ago. He tugs on heart strings from parts of my heart that I did not know were still alive. It made me flashback to when Sam and I first got together.

I felt overwhelmed with a ton of emotions. I was shellshocked that this was even happening. I thought my love with Sam was a once in a lifetime sort of experience, so how could it be that I’m fantasizing about a future with this new guy the way I used to with Sam? Immediately, I recognized what I was feeling.

I felt guilty, like I was replacing Sam. Or rather, the placement of Sam in my heart, in his good memory. While unpleasant thoughts of how everything went to shit still do haunt me, at the very core of it all, I choose to remember him as the guy who taught me what love was. Even after he left, that’s how I always saw him.

I always knew I would be able to have relationships after Sam. I’m generally a cheerful person, and I have lots of love to give, so it wasn’t going to be a problem to find someone to have a relationship with. I just kind of expected that I would have relationships that could never match up to what Sam and I had. I assumed I would get into relationships, watch them not work out, get the hell out of them, rinse and repeat.

But what I did not realize is that my undeserving, malfunctioning, fucked up piece of shit scumbag heart could still, by the grace of God, love someone THAT wholeheartedly again. Somehow, this guy makes my broken heart feel whole again.

And that actually scares the shit out of me.

I was scared of several things. Firstly, the higher you go, the harder you’ll fall. All that vulnerability I took so long to harden my shell just to cover up for, is now being exposed once again. Of course I’m scarred, and naturally think of the worst case scenario. I can tell this would ruin me all anew if it doesn’t work out. And this time, I’m not so sure I will be okay again. I barely made it out with my sanity and dignity intact for the last one.

Secondly..

What makes it even more terrifying is that he’s been one of my best friends for more than a year, and I was very close to him even before we started dating. In a way, he’s been my rock and support, consistently being the best to me, always lending a helping hand in my time of need and making me smile without fail.

So if we don’t work out, I stand to lose one of my closest friends in this lifetime.

Thirdly, I guess I’m royally screwed because I feel like he could be the new love of my life. I don’t know, I could probably even marry this guy. He seems like he would make a great dad and husband. Perhaps it’s too early to tell right now, but that’s how deep I’m in it already. And I’ve only felt this way two times in my entire life: once with Sam, and once more with him.

Let’s give the new guy a name. Let’s call him D. My relationship with D the last two months has shown me how I’ve grown as a person, and a partner. I’m noticeably more self giving, patient, understanding, gentle and willing to compromise. Much more so than before. Only someone like D could bring out these traits in me and encourage me to be the best version of myself possible, because he’s such a great character himself.

So yeah. Basically I’ve been thinking of Sam more often these days because I find myself going through similar experiences with D as I had with Sam, and I’m frightened by the similarities. Can you blame me? It ended so badly for me the last time and I’m just afraid history will repeat itself.

But no love ever came without sacrifices and risks; I should stop this negativity and focus on the good. Because, God, I want to be happily in love again. I want to hand my broken heart to someone else to mend, and not have to bear this burden all by myself.

While I’ve learnt to discover happiness in doing certain things alone, I think generally I am a very social person and it saddens me not having someone special to talk to me about all the thoughts that swim in my head before I sleep at night, or just having someone around for a cuddle whenever I feel like one.

Someone I can devote all my time, affection and love to. I love myself, I do, but I find much greater joy in loving someone else. I used to think that was a sign of weakness, not being able to be happy alone, but now I think that’s just bullshit.

Some people are happier being single, and the world can accept that, so why can’t we agree that it’s perfectly fine to admit that you’re happier being attached? I don’t mean get into a pointless relationship just for the sake of being one (which is possibly what I did for the previous guy I dated) but actually being with someone who becomes your better half. How is that not an ideal situation to be in?

And that’s exactly how I feel. Despite only dating for two months, I feel like D is my better half already. He has always been the ray of light to guide me past difficult times, and he makes me want to become a better person, for myself, and for him.

Sam might have been the love of my life up till I was 23, but D could be the great love of my life, for well, the rest of my life. And even if it’s not D, although I hope it is, I should be open to the idea that love doesn’t die when the relationship does. Love is a form of energy, and it should be transferred into different forms and reinvested in new people.

I’ve held relentlessly onto precious memories of Sam and I, safeguarding and regarding them as the best I’ll have in my life, leaving little room for anyone or anything else to enter. But I shouldn’t hold onto something so tightly when its already over.

I shouldn’t be worried about D becoming something to “replace” what I’ve been holding dear – he is in fact, a whole new category and placement of his own, earning a rightful and massive spot in my heart, creating new memories to replace some painful ones that currently exist.

Maybe it’s time to give yourself a break, Jess. Perhaps it really is time to stop asking yourself each and every day, “Why did something so good end so bad? Will we ever have the chance to start anew? Will I ever be as happy again? Why did you say and do the things that you did? Why couldn’t you have done any better?”

Because you know what. The past, truly has come and gone. Like there’s literally nothing I can do about what I’ve already lost.. That’s gone with the wind. What I CAN do is actually take the hard lessons and truths I’ve gathered from my relationship with Sam, and apply it in this new one. Don’t screw it up Jess. Let’s not make the same mistakes again, you know you won’t forgive yourself this time. We’ll be the best that we can be. We totally deserve another chance at being happy again.

And make me happy, D does. Dear dayre, he makes my heart sing. He makes the bad days better, and the good days the best they could possibly be. When I gave up on myself last year, he didn’t give up on me. He holds me when I cry, listens tirelessly when I talk (too much), kisses me when I least expect it and smiles at me for no reason. And when he smiles at me, I can never not smile back at him.

He’s a constant ball of positive energy, and seems to absolutely adore every quirk I have. He laughs at all the weird shit I do, even the horribly unglamorous and dorky stuff. He makes me feel like I can truly be myself, because someone loves me just the way I am. He knows about my past, my dark secrets and my pain. But he looks at me and smiles as though I am perfect.

Sometimes I feel real emotional when he does that, because I know that when he looks into my eyes, he doesn’t see the rain that I hide behind them. He sees rainbows, twinkles and fireworks and most of all, he just sees a girl he loves more than anything he’s known before.

He doesn’t look at me with sympathetic or frowning eyes like he recognizes the broken person I am, all he knows is that I make him complete. He accepts me with all my emotional baggage, scars and tantrums, and gives me renewed faith in many things I gave up on.

There’s just something really beautiful about that kind of naivety and innocence. Starting on a clean slate. No past to worry about, just the potential of a future to look forward to. Just so many chances to make things right this time around.

I may not have believed it was possible to do so before, but I feel like I am slowly but surely letting go of my pain and regret. I’ll never forget the crazy beautiful devastating memories and all the lessons you’ve taught me Sam, but my heart has had enough of crying over what we were.

We are no longer. We only exist as separate entities now. You in your own world, and me, in my own.

To think, my world used to be you. And now, I have a whole new world without you. Looks like the world is bigger than we thought it was, huh?

I really hope you’re doing well, and being happy, wherever you are. That’s all I ever wanted for the both of us – to be happy. Even if that means living without each other’s presence. We have memories to last a lifetime. Thank you for being a part of my life, and in some ways you will definitely always be. But I think I’m ready to start a new chapter now.

And this one will begin not with tears but instead, with a smile and a hopeful heart, and you will not be the main character no more. I may not know what the ending is, but ultimately I am the author of my own life story, and I can rewrite the ending if I don’t like it enough – that is the most empowering thing I’ve ever felt.

To realize that your heart is even more resilient and powerful than any other part of you that exists because it can stop beating completely, and then burst back into life one day again… is indeed a life changing thing.

I’m leaving my skeletons behind, memories in my heart, and regrets to the wind.

xoxo,
Jess

All the things I miss about being in love

I miss being in love with someone who loves me back.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares and having someone right there to hold me until I fall back soundly asleep again.
I miss knowing that I, too, mean everything to the person who means the world to me.
I miss long talks at night planning our future together and being genuinely excited thinking about it.
I miss having someone to cuddle every night.
I miss knowing my name is safe with that person because they loved me for who I was.

I miss having someone look deeply into my eyes every time I talked to them because they cared about everything I said.
I miss someone wiping away my tears when I cry.
I miss not ever having to feel completely alone.
I miss trusting a person wholeheartedly and knowing they’ll never let you down.
I miss believing everything he will tell you without a doubt in my mind.
I miss being with someone who tells me with a convinced look on his face, “You’re the girl I’m going to marry.”

I miss watching movies with someone till we fell asleep late in the night, and feeling like I could spend the rest of my life doing exactly that.
I miss waking up to your significant other in the morning and laughing at their puddle of drool on their pillow.
I miss having a warm pair of hands to hold in the theatre because mine always gets cold.
I miss forehead kisses every single night.
I miss how I knew I always had someone to talk to no matter how insignificant a topic I have in mind.

I miss having someone to share my life with, every little happening and important event.
I miss believing I was worth loving.
I miss loving someone so much, I would gladly exchange my life for theirs.
I miss knowing I’m the reason for someone’s happiness.
I miss someone asking me what I wanted for dinner, and then lets me steal his food when his meal is nicer than mine.
I miss cooking someone’s favorite dishes and seeing him eat them greedily in appreciation.

I miss falling asleep on someone’s shoulder during long car rides.
I miss knowing no matter how great a shit storm life throws at me, I have someone who will be right next to me going through it together.
I miss grocery shopping with someone who was happy to cook with me.
I miss having someone’s undivided attention and being his top priority at all times.
I miss trying to impress someone’s parents, hoping they will like me because I want to be part of his family some day.

I miss putting extra effort to look pretty when going on dates and hoping he would notice it.
I miss going on holiday with someone who makes every great adventure in life even better simply by being part of it.
I miss having someone to love me even when I can’t love myself.
I miss being with someone who is reason why you remember that there is always a reason to smile every day no matter how shitty you’re feeling.

I miss wanting to become a better person so that he can be proud of me.
I miss waking up all excited everyday because it’s another day to be spent with him.
I miss being in a relationship that felt right.
I miss hearing someone special say “hello” to you, and it would sound like the best thing you’ve ever heard.
I miss feeling like everything I ever needed in life was standing right in front of me.

I don’t know if I will find love like that again.
And that thought scares me. Knowing I had something so special, then watching it slip through my very fingers over the years and not knowing exactly how to stop it from going.
Going, going.. Now it’s gone.
Until the day I find someone who’s willing to pick up the pieces with me and go through everything all over again, I guess I’m going to have to learn how to be alone without feeling completely lonely and miserable.

I guess I don’t mind the being alone part so much. What really gets to me are all these voices inside my head telling me,

“You’re never going to find somebody who will love you like that again.”

…And I almost believe them.
Almost.

But I still hope I’ll find someone to have and to hold in my life again some day. I know finding that person will be worth all the prior heartbreak. And it will be worth the wait.

xoxo,
Jess

Estee Lauder Perfect Duo

I don’t know much about perfection.

What I do know is that the closest thing I’ve felt to perfection in this world is when you’re completely in love with someone, and he, with you. That no matter what happens, you know you’ve got each others’ backs. That is the most reassuring feeling in the world. So a lot of you have probably heard this story before, but for those who don’t know, you’re about to find out how I met my boyfriend, 5 long years ago!

I was 17 years old, lonely and rather aimless in life, searching for things to fill my time with everyday. Thanks to my friends’ influence in school, I picked up a first person shooter game called Left 4 Dead. I was looking for someone to play the game with online, when I came across this person named DaNang. I didn’t think much of him, to me, he was like any other player in the virtual world: just another pixel. We played a couple of games together, and from there on, we started chatting more frequently because I thought he was nice enough and had a good sense of humor.

We were both not particularly good at the game either, so it was fun having someone else to figure out the game by your side. Our conversations in game eventually turned to Skype calls, where I saw him on camera for the first time! We talked online everyday for a few months, before he suddenly surprised me with the suggestion that he would like to make a trip to Singapore to visit me. He’s an Australian (but Vietnamese in ethnicity) and had been living in Melbourne all his life. Both taken aback and terribly excited by this idea, I told him I couldn’t wait to see him in person. For the next few weeks and days, I couldn’t keep these thoughts out of my head: What if I don’t like him in person? What if he’s not as funny or charming in real life? What if he has body odour?? What if he’s a serial killer?!?

So many thoughts raced through my brain. Thoughts of infatuation, excitement, hope, and fear. Fear of getting my heart broken again, but yet I still had hope that this would turn out to be something good. I know mama always told me not to talk to strangers and give them personal information, ESPECIALLY on the internet, but I seem to enjoy breaking those rules. Sometimes, when you step out of your comfort zone, you get rewarded for it.

So after much anticipation and months of endless flirting and chatting, he arrived at Changi Airport, where I greeted him with a nervous smile and a friendly hug. At this point in time, we were obviously not “dating” per se, so I did not want to be too close. I kept my distance for awhile, but after warming up to each other, I realized he’s actually an even better person offline than online. No more overnight Skype calls that lasted for hours and hours on end. No more staring at the screen, wondering what it would be like to hold his hand, or to touch his face, or to hear his laughter in person.

Everything felt so surreal, like he popped out of a fairytale book (in this case, a computer screen) and jumped into my life. We went on many dates throughout the 2 weeks he spent in Singapore and I had an awesome time bringing him to our popular spots like Night Safari and Singapore Flyer! The beginning of our relationship was everything it should’ve been. Butterflies in my stomach, romantic words exchanged too many times a day that it made other people nauseous, pure devotion to each other and most importantly, the willingness to love and make things work, despite the long distance factor. Everything was wonderful, except the fact that we lived oceans, mountains and countries apart. An 8 hour flight journey apart, to be exact. That was no easy feat. If you’ve ever known anyone in a long distance relationship, they’ll tell you it’s one of the most difficult things they’ve done. It breaks your heart. The nights never feel lonelier or longer. It questions your faith and strength after awhile, and it never gets easier, only harder.

Many times, Sam and I contemplated giving up on what we had. We weren’t emotionally ready for that sort of roller coaster ride, I guess… what with me being so young and all. I asked myself if I really wanted that sort of commitment, when I hadn’t even turned 20 years old. What did I think I knew of love, to dive into something so serious and heavy? I don’t know what it is that made us grit our teeth and pull through the crappy times in our relationship, but I’m seriously glad things somehow worked out in the end. I’ve learned so much from being in this relationship and it has completely changed me as a person. Fast forward 5 years later, we raise adorable little bunnies together, we live together, we cook together, we bake together… everything I do, he’s right by my side. We complement each other in ways that makes the universe make sense. We’re completely different in many ways, yet freakishly alike in others.

Like the way my boyfriend gives me strength and support, bringing out the best in me, Estée Lauder has a perfect duo of their own. When used together daily, I have noticed Estée Lauder’s Micro Essence and Advanced Night Repair works brilliantly to help me achieve radiant skin.

Estée Lauder’s Micro Essence is a first of its kind, high performance “essence-in-lotion.” From the very first use, my skin felt more hydrated and radiant, with enhanced clarity. In two weeks, my skin’s texture is more refined.

Used day after day, Micro Essence has aided my skin to become stronger at its foundation and more resistant to signs of aging, which has ultimately resulted in my skin looking and feeling more youthful. My skin appeared healthy and emanated a glow from deep within!

How to use: With your hands: Pour 5 or 6 drops of Micro Essence in hand and rub hands together. Gently press the Micro Essence into skin from the center out. Start at chin and move upwards to cheeks and forehead. Rub hands together to warm, and then gently wrap face using warm hands to complete application.

I love using the Micro Essence because it’s given me noticeably more translucent looking complexion in a matter of weeks, and the texture of this lotion feels awesome on my skin! Not a fan of applying creams or serums that feel too sticky or heavy, this lotion is adequately hydrating and even though I don’t have any noticeable wrinkles yet, I believe that prevention is better than cure, so I’m gonna go ahead and start using anti-aging products while I’m still in my early twenties.

Starring alongside the Micro Essence, my regular usage of Estée Lauder’s Advanced Night Repair reveals a smoother, more radiant, younger look while waking up to more beautiful skin every day. Advanced Night Repair has proven to dramatically reduce my key signs of visible aging.

It maximizes the power of my skin’s natural nighttime renewal with the exclusive ChronoluxCB™ technology (with more than 25 patents and patents pending worldwide). It’s also great for every ethnicity and reduces the appearance of lines and wrinkles, leaving skin feeling smoother, hydrated, and more even toned.

How to use: As a nightly ritual, apply a drop on each fingertip of one hand. Touch fingertips of both hands together, and massage serum over face and neck, starting at the center, then smoothing it outwards.

My mum is a big fan of Estée Lauder, and she got all excited when she saw this bottle on my vanity desk because she’s been swearing by this product! She’s probably the biggest believer of skincare products of any woman I know, so a testimonial from her is one I take seriously.

I would strongly encourage anyone to use both the Micro Essence and Advanced Night Repair together to experience the synergistic repair qualities, which actively transforms your skin from within.

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I’ve entered a Perfect Duo contest on Her World Plus, and I’d absolutely love if you’d take a moment to vote for our video entry as seen below!

Alongside other awesome blogger friends like Yina, Jessica (Tippytapp) and Juli, we’ve come up with short videos about definition of a Perfect Duo, inspired by our recent discovery of Estée Lauder’s Perfect Duo beauty products.

You can stand a chance to win Estée Lauder’s Perfect Duo products by voting for your favorite video at this link! If you enjoyed our little montage, I’d really appreciate if you could give us your vote. Sam voluntarily helped me edit & do up the video entry from scratch from his collection of our photos & videos together, knowing how awful I at doing videos, which I thought was really sweet of him. This would not be possible at all without his help and support.

Thank you my dear for participating in this campaign with me! :*

xoxo,
Jess

I love being weird with you (feat. Pixioo Photography)

As Augustus Waters had recently taught me, the world is not a wish granting factory. 

5 years on… I realize that no couple was made perfect for each other, and no relationship is without its threatening problems, no matter how great your attraction and affection for each other may be. People just try their darnest to love, and to be loved. Hopefully, that is enough. 

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love.”

































Thank you Samuel from Pixioo Photography for capturing us in our essence. It was a last minute, quickly put together sort of thing that happened so quickly… but I think the spontaneity of the situation turned out well, because he managed to capture us being totally silly, which is what we are whenever we’re together. We had so much fun running around Marina Barrage completely drenched in perspiration underneath our heavy and thick unicorn / dinosaur onesies. Despite the strange looks we got throughout the evening, I couldn’t stop grinning the entire time.

Quote “Shiberty” to get 10% off all Pixioo Photography services!

xoxo,
Jess

Our 5th Valentine’s Day together

This year, the boyfriend and I spent 90% of our Valentine’s Day slaving away making macarons & cakes for other people until we forgot to even eat and have our regular meals.. so we ended up not really having any plans at all, except for a pretty rushed dinner together. We don’t make a big deal out of V’day anymore, considering since it’s our 5th one together by now – we’re getting more practical over the years. Flowers and fancy dinners are just too expensive and unnecessary. (I can’t believe I’m saying this) Still, I wanted to have something to remember this Valentine’s Day by… so I arranged for a couple photoshoot (without him knowing anything) and surprised him a few days before the 14th of February!

In all our time being together, Sam and I have taken thousands of photos together. I’m extremely trigger happy and I make him pose for photos for keepsake & blogging purposes all the time. But we’ve never actually taken proper photos with a professional photographer together – something fancy, something planned, something we can frame and put on the wall. Who says you have to be engaged or married to take a couple’s photoshoot?!

I made him dress up, sneakily pretending we were going on a date, when really we were going to Chijmes to snap away for an hour (that was really all we could spare out of our crazy hectic February schedule) and I’m so happy we did this because I wholeheartedly adore the photos. I can’t wait to get them printed!!!! 
These are my top picks from the whole shoot, but the first one’s my absolute favorite. I could stare at it all day and smile to myself. The corners of my lips can’t help but turn upwards every single time I see this.
Photography by the wonderful Ace Chia. 

Thank you so much for capturing these moments for us, Ace!!! :) You were a joy to work with. This is Ace’s first couple photoshoot and we’re honored to be her first lovey dovey subjects. She normally does fashion photography, but we decided to switch things up a little because V’day was just around the corner. I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to collaborate with this talented young lady on more than one project, and we had a lot of fun even though it was the first time we’d met! Sam is still kinda stiff when it comes to posing in front of the camera (understandably), but we have more shoots in the planning so hopefully he loosens up in time to come. 

Happy 5th Valentine’s Day together, Sam.
We’ve been through so much together, it’s mind boggling. We’ve went from gaming friends on opposite sides of the globe to having a house together, from riches to poorness to building a business, confusion to bliss to misery to stability & comfort, and even though we scream and fight all the time….

You’re still my Valentine. To have and to hold, always.
xoxo,
Jess
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