A 4am letter to no one in particular

Tonight’s one of those rough nights.
On a scale of 1-10, I would say tonight could be a 4, which isn’t very high on the Miserable scale to be honest. I’ve had a few 8′s or 9′s that rocked my world this year.. So tonight is still quite manageable, I guess. I don’t feel the need to talk to someone while bawling my eyes out, but it’s still nice to have a form of release, so here I am.

As I lie awake in bed with only my bleak thoughts for company, I start to wonder to myself, why is it so difficult to find someone whom I can hand my heart to and trust them not to be careless with it? Relationship problems have messed me up so much, even I am shocked by its significance. Why has my confidence diminished? Am I placing too much of my self worth and value in being treasured by someone else? Do I really have to stop loving myself because someone I love stopped loving me the right way? If I give up on myself, who would still bother placing their faith in me?

It hurts inexplicably to love someone so much that you lose yourself in the process, forgetting that you’re special too. I guess I now know why self love, self respect and self worth all begin with “self.” These things can only be found within you, and not anyone else.

I will be turning 23 years old in a month’s time, and I feel like I’ve hit a quarter life crisis already. I am without purpose, without direction and most definitely without motivation. I’ve never been the sort to have my life figured out (study hard, do the right thing, get in the right uni course, find a stable job), I’ve always accidentally or inadvertently taken the whirlwind route. Skip school, do reckless things, fail exams, become self employed since 16, go to a private school, apply for university overseas then withdraw my application after being accepted, to sell cakes online.

But I’ve always taken a leap of faith and believed in myself. Even if I didn’t know what I was doing, I knew that I would make sure it all worked out in the end. Even when I flunked my O’levels like some delinquent joke, I told myself, “It’s going to be okay. You don’t want to work in a job that relies on certifications anyway.”

But this time, I’m really not sure if I’m going to be okay. I’m scared. Fuck that, I’m terrified. I told myself I would take a few months to feel better. It’s been way longer than that now, and I don’t seem to feel much better. In my bloody defense, most people go through a break up (and that alone is heartbreaking enough) but for me, all of a sudden, I’m also out of a job and place to stay. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Unemployment, sudden singlehood and relocation. See, me and him, we had everything. By everything I mean we shared our entire lives, including income making ways and housing together. I thought we were set in concrete. I thought he was the man I was going to marry and have children with. But now I’m going to have to move out soon. I’m leaving literally everything behind. Soon enough, we will be complete strangers. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that concept. Spending 6 years of your life extremely intimately with someone, and then having that person thoroughly removed after that, does things to the way you function every day.

I have been without income for awhile now. Maybe I should be worried about how I’m not that worried about money. Money has never been a priority to me. As long as I am able to live comfortably, I’m happy. These days, I just try my best everyday to feel as normal as possible on the inside. Where got time to think about money?

Sometimes I wonder if that’s considered being irresponsible. My friends and mother throw interrogating questions my way, “What are you doing with your life? How long are you going to continue like this?”

The truth is, I’m just getting by, guys. I’m getting by, and perhaps I’ve turned into an under achiever, but for now, that’s damn well good enough for me because you don’t understand how not crying to yourself to sleep can be the best part of your day until you’ve been in a situation that hopeless.

Get a grip on yourself and move on, they always say. It’s easy when you have bigger, better and brighter things to look forward to. But what if it’s the entire life you used to know that you’re walking away from? What if you had to let go of what you considered was the best thing to ever happen to you because it was also ripping you apart from the inside?

He cleaned up the house and made a nice dinner tonight. It was extremely nice of him. He tried to hug me and do normal couple-ish things, and it broke my heart to have to push him away and pretend like I didn’t care for him anymore. I’m the one who wanted this, so I have to grit my teeth and go through with it, right? I have to admit, some days it feels like it might be easier to just forget about everything that happened and get back together. After all, we are so familiar with each other. He knows how I like my foot massages, I know how to finish his sentences and he knows what my farts smell like. I know the food items he would order in a menu, and he knows I can’t sleep without a bolster at night.

Why would you want to erase all of that and start over again with somebody new? But I have to remind myself, that I gave it all up because it became too painful to hold onto. Too many things were said and done, that I will never forget.

I may have forgotten what he said or did specifically on the many different occasions, but I’ll never forget how it made me feel (and still makes me feel). I have tried my best to forgive and forget, but too much damage has been done. I wish I could put all these negative emotions locked away in a chest that I could throw into the deepest part of the ocean, but I can’t.

I carry the fucking baggage around with me every damn day, and when I think it doesn’t matter so much anymore, I’m proven wrong when I look into your eyes – all I see reflected in them is my disappointment and silent resentment.

Recently, I find myself questioning my own decision. The decision that took me months & possibly years of tearful pondering to get to. Was it really the right thing to do? Will I ever find somebody who loves me as much? What if in a bid to pursue greater happiness, I was leaving the best thing in my life behind? What is more important, somebody who loves you to the ends of the earth and back or someone who can love you the right way?

To whoever is reading this, I hope you find someone who knows how to love you when you are sad.
Someone who makes the bad times better, and great times, the best.
Someone who has the words to say to make you feel better, even if sometimes they can’t actually help.
Someone who won’t take you for granted or their frustration out on you when they’re upset.
Someone who will constantly remind you that you’re extraordinary, someone who loves you in a way that makes you feel complete.
They should always be your better half.
They should be the reason why you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, and not the reason why you cry so hard, you can’t even breathe properly.

I’m not saying they’re not allowed to make mistakes. And I certainly am not implying the right one will never make you sad. But a healthy couple fights fair and well, even when times are bad. We do not resort to belittling the other person and making them feel worthless. We are all only human after all, and to err is what we were born to do.

But when a person makes a mistake, they should be willing to fix it, tell you they’re sorry without being asked, and try their best not to do it again. Someone who cares about you should not choose to deliberately hurt your feelings over and over again.

By no means am I the perfect girlfriend or partner. But I gave fucking everything I had. I have nothing left to give, and perhaps for this reason alone I shouldn’t let myself be ridden with guilt, blaming myself for walking away. No matter what other people say or think, I loved you with every cell in my body. It’s just that now, I have absolutely nothing left. I wish I did, but I have no more love left to give you. I am an empty shell, a shadow of the person I used to be, and I am not the same girl you met all those years ago anymore.

I am so sorry.
I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry for me.

  • Jasmine Han Ying

    Hi Jessica,

    I know exactly how this feeling you are going through, cause i myself have been thru such break up with the love that i use to thought to last forever. It was exactly 6 years when we broken up , he too also make mistake over and over again , belittling me over and over again .

    Give yourself a deadline, and after that feel better ! many people may have say , you are a pretty girl , you will find someone better. But i do believe, getting yourself together and looking for direction now is the utmost impt thing to do ! i hope you feel better now .

    I have been a reader of yours, but i have missed out so much while away for biz.

    Take care , and stay pretty always =)

  • http://andthengrace.blogspot.co.uk/ Grace-Rose

    I really enjoyed this article, it is well written and relatable on many levels. I hope you’re alright and wish you the best of luck.