Living on a prayer

I used to have a problem.

My problem was not having enough exciting or interesting events going on in my life and thus resulting in me not having anything substantial to blog about. This I suppose, was quite awhile ago, when my life was relatively directionless and I was just floating around.

These days, my problem is having TOO much going on in my life, all of which I sorely wished I had enough time, energy and resources to openly share with all those who are still interested in checking up on this neglected and humble blog of mine, because I hate to leave this space without any updates for prolonged periods of time…. I want to capture every single precious memory I have and spontaneously relive it every time I read my own blog post about the experience. Unfortunately, I’ve reached a stage in my life where blogging has inevitably taken second place in terms of priorities, for some reason another matter always seems to top it, somehow. I remember when it used to be number 1 and I just HAD to take a picture of everything or jot it down in my mind so that I could go back home and tell everyone about it. But now, a few years down the track, I guess I’m slightly older, and have found new and possibly better ways to cope and deal with the events and emotions that go on in my life aside from pouring my soul out to an online audience. I can deal with sadness, difficulty, excitement without announcing it here. Wow. I never thought this day would come. I know I’m almost totally contradicting myself with this statement considering how I’m letting all these feelings loose in this very post, but there is a difference when I consciously choose to blog about something to purposely share with y’all instead of feeling like I NEED to blog about it to get it off my chest / mind so that I remain sane. I have learned how to take a heavier load on my shoulders with every year that passes in my life, and I suppose that is all part of growing up. So much has been going on in my life the past week, you won’t believe what I’ve been through in such a short period of time and the number of times I have broke down and cried, also the incidents where I just burst out in hearty laughter… I never knew one person could be so sad, stressed, happy and gratified at the same time. This is life in a whirlwind at its full glory. I guess this is what it feels like to be 21 years old, when you’re trying to figure this world out, and you look and act like an adult… but really, inside you’re still kind of a kid still, but you know that will have to change soon.

And what a huge change 2013 has brought about in my life. First of all, I have a rabbit that is now my responsibility to take care of. I never imagined I’d have a pet so soon since I had no intentions of getting one, especially not a rabbit, but somehow little Mochi the fluffy chinchilla colored bunny found her way into my life. Many of my mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights are spent cuddling with, playing with her, chasing her around, feeding her, and picking up after her poop… She brings me so much joy! Secondly, I have officially moved out of my parents’ place last year, and in 2013 I am REALLY feeling the pinch of living by myself. Although I stay with my boyfriend and brother, I cannot and do not depend on them to provide for me. They don’t get me food or clean up after me the way my domestic helper maid or mum used to. Not that I expect to of course, I’m just sayin’, I live with people but I’m pretty much on my own. Now, every single meal of the day has to be accounted for by myself, I can no longer go home and expect a decent home cooked meal to be sitting on the dining table prepared by my mum or maid for me, because I don’t have anyone waiting on me any more. And I NEVER realized just how much housework one house could create. I keep mopping and sweeping the floor and clearing the rabbit’s litter tray and washing the laundry but OMG everyday there’s more dust and dirty clothes to be washed and it just hit me that for the rest of my life I have to be doing housework!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is really depressing. I don’t think any other 21 year old does the kind of housework I do. (Clean toilets, mop and sweep the floor, cook, bake, wash the dishes and laundry… blah blah blah) Most are still living with their parents which I sort of wished I was. I LOVE the freedom, but I miss the feeling of being sheltered. Reality is such a cruel and unforgiving place. Not to mention coughing up $1k extra every month for rent is a bit of a big bad bitch as well.

So that’s just a brief gist about what’s been going on in my crazy life. Aside from the parts I have complained about, there have been a lot of lovely people I had the privilege of meeting recently making a difference and impact on my life, which I am truly grateful for.

I participated in this top secret event (lol) that would’ve been game changing for my career, but unfortunately things didn’t work out so well for me…. however, the experience was mildly life changing, I would say. It was nerve wrecking enough to make my heart feel like it was going to stop right there and then, and sometimes stressful enough for me to completely let down my pride and break down in tears in front of other people. But most of all it was wonderful in many unexpected ways and I find myself more sorry about having to miss out on the awesome company of the astoundingly talented people I have met and the opportunity to learn more from them than actually winning the title of the competition. Which I suppose I never stood a great big chance of doing so, anyway, they’re way out of my league. They’re going to rock your socks off, Singapore.

Actually I don’t even know how I got to stand there with them in the first place considering I have never sung in public before or given any sort of performance whatsoever prior to this, besides my self indulgent Youtube videos which I post on my blog. They’re like, way up there in terms of knowledge, skill and experience…. and I’m just here.  I don’t know them very well or for very long at all, but I swear I’m not kidding when I say I miss them already. When people are struggling to stay on one boat together…. you share this immediate bond.

We also shared laughter, fears and goals in the short amount of time I knew them. It’s not everyday you get to meet like-minded people with such admirable determination and similar interests as you that you happen to get along super well with.  I found myself staring at many people in the competition with utter respect and fascination. How can seemingly normal looking people be so damn great at their passion but be so humble and likable and hardworking and friendly and admirable at the same time?

Some of them are everything I want to be, and more. I wonder how long it took for them to build up their confidence and technique, or were they just born awesome? I couldn’t believe my eyes, and my ears. So many of these peeps are soooo damn young as well!!!!!!! How do they do it? Why are these people holding my hand, encouraging me when I’m scared and being a friend for me even though we barely just met? And a few of them gave me warm hugs, when I truly needed them most. The journey on the way there is just as, or even more important than the destination to me. It molds and shapes you into a better, wiser person. And as short-lived as my journey was, I can say it was more fruitful than I had ever hoped for, and I’m still thankful it happened to me, out of thousands of people. I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel bitter, but I’m not. I could not imagine more worthy and deserving people to go up against. If anything, I am only upset at myself for making a few crucial mistakes that led to my own eventual downfall, and I only have myself to fault. But I was so new to the game, and since it was my first time ever doing it I really don’t think I did all that bad in the end. I should give myself credit for trying, too. I felt like dropping dead at some points. I am not allowed to reveal anything vital or specific about this event, so this is about as much as I can say before I accidentally let something confidential slip… but I suppose some of you will figure it out sooner or later by yourself anyway, if you keep yourself in the loop with media!

With this chapter of my life coming to a close, I take away with me valuable memories and lessons which I know will prove priceless and useful in my years ahead. So thank you to everyone who has impacted me greatly over the last few days. I look forward to keeping myself updated with your journeys and wish the very best for all of you ahead, no matter who the ultimate crowned champion is... you are ALL badasssssss ROCKSTARS. ♥ 

Shine bright like a motherfucking diamond!!!