You cannot unsee this

These days, things for Sam and I have been looking pretty solemn, serious, scary, steady.. whatever you wanna call it.

He’s been newly hired for a full time job, and we’re looking for a place to rent as we prepare to move out of my family home in End October / Early November this year. I’m going to be saying goodbye to my home of 7 years, and I don’t know how to feel about it. This condo in Simei is the only real home I’ve ever truly known. So many memories here, with friends and family alike…
Now, with things taking on such a serious tone, naturally I wonder where my romance and relationship is headed towards. Am I ready for my next big chapter in life alongside Sam? Previously he just moved into a house I was already living in. We didn’t have to pay rent, much of the bills, or live in a place of our own. Thousands of questions race through my mind every day as the date and inevitable draw closer. Goodbye teenage years and childhood forever, hello adulthood and responsibilities. Not many people move out before their 21st Birthday, especially in Singapore where most stay at home with their parents until they get married…. not exactly an easy or ideal situation to be in.
A lot of people also turn up the pressure and stress factor by several notches when they ask us, “When are you guys getting married?”……. 
At first I laugh and think they’re kidding but I look at the expression on their faces and realize they are not. ‘Scuse me!!!!!! For the record I am ONLY turning 20 years old on the 20th of September 2012, you don’t ask someone under 20 when they are getting married! How age-inappropriate is that question??? There are some things you just don’t ask people. Like asking a fat person if they’re pregnant or a black person if they’re from Africa. Just don’t. 
Anyway, I’m not sure I want babies any time soon. Definitely not before I turn 28 at least. Older people talk about how it’s best to have a baby before you turn 25 but I’d like to stay young for as long as possible. My tummy is bulgy enough without a baby inside of it thankewverymuch. I love playing with cute, well behaved babies, as long as they’re not mine.. Like my neighbor’s 1 year old.
Can you imagine if Sam and I had babies? Holy shit.
Sometimes we’d think dreamily about the future, fool around and utter things like, “Our daughter would have your long silky gorgeous hair and glowy skin, and of course my profound intelligence (which I have to argue there is a lack thereof)”. I gave the concept a little more thought and wondered what attributes of myself I’d love for my kids to have. Sam and I make a pretty killer couple. To be honest, I could probably get by just fine without him…

I’m great on my own. So is a pair of classic and plain red soled Louboutin stilettos.

But then you go and add some cool spikey studs all over it to spice up the whole thing and it’s something new and infinitely more brilliant altogether.
You are the silver spikes to my Louboutins, Sam. 
(Except I don’t have a pair… I wear Havaianas) But I love you anyway. I am however, extremely apologetic to say that the visual aspects of our marriage & future family isn’t looking so good…. Remember how we used to say “if she had my hair, your face, my wits, your skin” kind of sweet nothings? Yeah, that isn’t really going to work out.
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And this is why.

I………
I just…………..


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No, this isn’t a break up announcement on my blog, or anything of the sort..
But I just don’t know if I could love my daughter, if she looked like that. Know what I’m saying?!
Let’s agree to put baby making off the list for now (or ever).