How To Not Impress A Girl

Out of sheer boredom a month ago, I downloaded this free networking app on my iPhone called “Skout.”

Technically it’s labelled as a “Flirt” app, but since I had zero intention to flirt with the people on there, I’ll call it a networking app.. so I don’t feel like such a sleaze. So I pretty much knew that I was going to get bombarded with desperate messages the moment I signed up for an account, which I’m sure every other female on there experiences as well, but what I didn’t know was how entertaining fail pick up lines can be!!! Honestly, it’s amused me to no end, every single time I open the app there’s bound to be comic gold lying around somewhere, I just have to keep reading the mundane “Hi how are you? Care to make friends?”s until I find a funny one. Somewhere along the way I decided to screen shot the epically funny ones and whatsapp my friend and we’d go “LOLOL” (I know I’m so mean deal with it) and now my screenshot list has grown so big, I thought I’d make a blog post out of it!

Just so we’re clear, my Skout profile clearly states that I am “in a relationship”, “looking for friends”, and my description goes… “If you can’t be bothered to say more than just hi, chances are I can’t be bothered to reply you either. But if you can hold a decent conversation, well then I’d be pleased to chat with you!”

I have this haughty sounding profile because the amount of 2 lettered “Hi.”s I get is shocking. Do you walk up to someone on the street and just go, “Hi”? You introduce yourself, you ask them how’s their day, you don’t say one word and expect a response.

And may I present to you - ten thousand and one ways to not impress a girl! 

Singaporean guys, watch and learn from this. Btw.. If you know anyone that has their blurry picture posted here, please don’t tell them. LOL. Take this post with a pinch of salt. I don’t mean the mean things I say… I think.

Laughing at the things people say around here, I hope you don’t mind.

Apparently asking for some common sense these days is too much to ask for..

Hahahaha I guess he couldn’t think of what else to say besides “Hi” or “Hello” and decided an elongated “Helllloooooooo” would sound more impressive! Every time I read long words stretched out, I read it in a retarded deep whale voice ala Ellen Degeneres in Finding Nemo.

Oh, come on. If you’re going to compliment me, at least spell it right. If he spells Pretty as Pretyy, I dare not think how he’d spell Gorgeous or Beautiful. And I’m sure that heart shaped latte in your profile pic shows how much of a deep romantic you are.

LOL at least this one has a clue! Unfortunately he said more than just “Hi” and got ignored anyway.

Not sure if this is funny, or sad. Quite funny actually lol I like the “moshi moshi” part

I kind of liked the first message, but who else felt annoyed just by reading his 2nd message about not being irritating? Who has to self declare and promise that they are not annoying? People who constantly get told they’re annoying, I reckon. Sorry Posh Boy!

Doing more with my life than wasting time fUcKiNg wItH mY sHiFt & cApS lOcK bUtToN. yOu??? gEeZ tHiS iS tIrInG. hOw dO pEoPlE fInD tHe pAtIeNcE tO dO tHiS??

HAHAHAHAHA this is one of my favourite!!!!!!!   Dafuq?!

I’m going to include that in my profile’s “About Me.” the next time I update it because I think that is a fantastic summary of myself. Well done friend, that is my best compliment I’ve received in my life, probably. His solemn expression in the background makes it all that much funnier. I give him 10 points for trying and for being at least funny.

…Check what???! Check out my backside to see if it’s luscious or not? Seriously. Sure, hold on while I strip off my clothes, take a picture of my bare back and then send it to you because you asked me to.

I’m not your darling, and to sidetrack, they should make camwhoring while driving totally illegal. It’s just as bad as text-driving!

HAHAHAHA men. So gullible. This was when I was sick and waiting for my turn at Changi Hospital’s A&E… totes bored and then I remembered I had Skout!

Another hospital one. I like catching people by surprise and watching their awkward response :P You will not believe the amount of people who agreed to have a “date” with me at Changi Hospital…

Yes, sure, some other time will be great. Like in my next life. A picture would not be necessary, I’m convinced anyone half decent looking would already have their picture as their profile display because it’s the normal and sensible thing to do. Everyone else who CMI would choose to have their dogs, cars, heart shaped lattes or worse, a default avatar to represent them instead.

Apparently this picture looks like a tough, strong and determined person.

How do I look strong?! Because I’m not getting blown over by the wind? I kind of thought my pic just meant “vain asian girl with wind in hair in front of beach”, but okay, I’ll take those compliments, thank you kind sir.

Lololol. Random ass compliments that are seemingly part-psychic appear to be a relatively popular method.

BAHAHAHA ANOTHER FAVOURITE!!!!!!! Omg I crack myself up. As you can tell from the screenshot, it was 3am. I felt kind of bad afterwards.

This one actually sounded sincere-ish and sweet, but I found the angel and praying hands at the end of his message hilarious. Not sure what it means but I imagine he’s praying to the gods “PLEASEEEE GOD MAKE THIS ONE REPLY ME!!! *puts hand together in praying pose* SHE’S AN ANGEL!” – am I full of shit or am I full of shit?? LOL.

I have no words. But probably not.

I COULDN’T RESIST

What’s good on a humid Sunday?? WHAT’S GOOD ON A HUMID SUNDAY?????????? e_e…… Talk about cringe worthy introductions.

I hope that’s some messed up jumbled version of “Hi Jessica! It’s a humid Sunday today, but I hope it’s going good for you.” BUT I’m not terribly convinced.

I am honestly horrified and disgusted by the amount of people who seem unable to string together simple sentences. Also, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to enjoy… his linguistic skills? I sure hope, for his own sake, they are more impressive in real life.

Interesting question. I’ll take being an actual princess, so that I’d be rolling in riches, when you’re that rich it doesn’t matter what you look like because there’s always make up and surgery, which money can buy you a lot of.

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To end off this awkward and hilarious post, here’s one that’s not so bad. (I had to scroll through quite a few messages to finally find a decent one)

There we go. A normal message with smiley faces, accurate spelling and a non-creepy compliment. Well done, kiddo!

I was almost going to reply you, but then I saw the picture of you clutching a red carebear plushie in what appears to be your school uniform…. I suddenly felt a lot like a pedophile, and hastily closed the app. Sorry hun, but I don’t do boys younger than me. But you seem to have potential, just lose the care bear next time.