Should cheaters ever be forgiven?

I was watching Sex & The City (part 1 movie) for the first time the other day and I loved it!

Really fun show, amazing fashion, funny jokes, awesome vacations and everything but one thing I did NOT like about the movie was how Miranda’s husband Steve cheated on her and all her girlfriends were saying “It was a mistake to have left him” and that “You should take him back”.

….Ok…..


SAY WHAT?!?!!?!?

On what grounds should Miranda even CONSIDER taking Steve back?? (Sure they have a kid but I’d rather my parents be divorced if they didn’t love each other than force themselves to be together just cuz of me)

With the kid out of the picture… I mean it’s just awful that her girlfriends who are supposed to care about her well being would even suggest that, especially since she was STILL pissed off at her husband at that moment in time and obviously wasn’t ready to take him back anytime soon.

I know this was just in the movies but eh.. I can totally imagine this happening in real life to other people.

In fact, I always get people “Should I take my cheater ex back?” on Formspring.

I can’t believe it’s even a QUESTION people would ask.

I’ve been cheated on by my ex before, and had anyone suggested taking him back I would have punched them in the face. Sure, I DID take him back once, twice, thrice… but hey, your friends are still not supposed to give you that sort of shitty advice. They are meant to be the voice telling you NO when your heart gives in and cries YES.

At least it always clear in my head that I SHOULDN’T forgive him, but I just wasn’t strong-willed enough to do it in a short amount of time.

Thank goodness I always had the support of most people around me, telling me I could definitely so much better than him and that I should just dump him. I can’t imagine how much more messed up I’d be if anyone suggested I actually NEED that sort of asshole in my life.

And since there will always be boys and girls out there getting their heart broken by sluts and assholes, I figured it’s never too late to do a cheater-flaming post even if my experience was 2 years ago, I still wanna share my thoughts on it.

Here’s to anyone who’s ever been cheated on… hear, hear!

WHY CHEATERS DON’T DESERVE TO BE FORGIVEN:


1) He didn’t love you enough.

In this post I will refer to classic examples of cheaters as “he”. Get used to it. I was cheated on by a guy, of COURSE I’m biased in thinking that most men think with their dicks. I’m speaking from first-hand experience.

How should I put this???

If your boyfriend / husband managed to ignore all his morals (if any) and whatever relationship value he had with you and shove his filthy wart-filled penis into another slut’s punani, then he DEFINITELY DIDN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH.

No self-respecting guy who treasures his girl would ever consider doing that to her, even if the passion has dulled and the relationship is a bore. The least a decent guy could do is to tell the girl it’s not working out, end the relationship in truce, then he is free to go shag himself silly after that, nobody will really care. (although everyone will think you’re an asshole)

But when your cheating boyfriend comes and begs you to forgive him because he didn’t mean it and that he is sooooo sorry..

DON’T BELIEVE HIM.

Especially if it’s not the first time – he’s not sorry as sorry for cheating as he is for being caught.

Look, cheating is not an involuntary physical condition. It’s a choice, and one that he MADE. At the expense of your trust and emotions.

Trust someone like that? No way.

I won’t lie, I’ve found myself close-ish to cheating situations before, when I was facing very rocky times with my ex, I met nice and cute guys who offered a shoulder for me to cry on and there was once my lips were inches away from this very attractive guy’s (yes cheating does not only consist of having sex. emotions things like kisses count too)

But you know what?

I didn’t kiss one of the cutest guys I’ve ever gone out with. I THOUGHT about doing it, but 2 seconds after realizing how close I am to doing what I’m thinking about doing, the thought of it sickened me to the core and I found myself abruptly getting up to leave, before things got really ugly and messy, much to Mr Cute Guy’s disappointment.

I can safely tell you that in EVERY cheater’s mind, there will come a time where their conscience has a face off with temptation.

And it goes a little like this:

Temptation: Man that chick is looking mighty fine with her tits hangin’ out for me to gawk at and all yo!

Conscience: What? How can you say that? You have a girlfriend.

Temptation: But my girlfriend ain’t fineeee like that yo!!!

Conscience: Ew gross. What kind of a slut tries to seduce another chick’s boyfriend like that? Grow up and go home to your girl. You’re better than that.

Temptation: DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN I’M TRYING TO FEEL UP SOME TITTIES HERE!!!

….

Ok actually that was kinda optimistic.

More like it would’ve been:

Conscience: Dude you have a girlfriend waiting for you at home you know.

Temptation: Yeah but have you seen those gorgeous tits, man? END OF CONVERSATION.

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The point I’m trying to get at is – it’s not entirely true when he says he only did it “because he wasn’t thinking”. Unless he is seriously retarded or in a coma, everyone’s brains are functionally working every second of the day.

Perhaps he wasn’t thinking STRAIGHT (obviously), he was definitely THINKING alright, because he consciously and readily made the decision of hurting your feelings in order to gain temporary relief and satisfaction.

He made a little mental evaluation in his head that sex with some hoe would bring him more gratification than his relationship with you. He made the decision that…. your feelings were irrelevant, and that his sexual desires are of much greater importance.

Before you rush into his arms again and think about forgiving him, think about how this fact makes you feel.

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2) He says he will never do it again.

Remember when he last said that a year ago?

No? He’s never cheated on you before?

Well, do you remember when he said he would LOVE you?

Does cheating on you seem like good lovin’ to you? (refer to point 1)

That’s right. The answer is no.

I’m not saying your cheating ex didn’t love you honey, I just said he didn’t love you ENOUGH. What constitutes good, proper loving? I am in no position to tell you what your relationship needs, since everyone thinks of love in different ways. But as a well-grounded girl who’s been in both healthy and unhealthy relationships, I can sure as hell say you don’t need a lying horny selfish manipulative bastard in your life.

I remember when I was crying my eyes out in my mum’s room asking her for advice, one lonely night 3 years ago. Nothing new, the same old “OMG HE LIED OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”

She had a sad look in her eye when she said “Leopards never change their spots.”

In other words, liars are manipulative blood suckers who feed off causing other people pain and the thrill of deceiving others successfully. Some people are just born this way.

Some people are born without legs, arms, sight, hearing, and some people are just born without the ability to love someone else wholeheartedly.

As hard as it is to fathom…. it’s a cold hard fact.

If he can hurt you once, he can hurt you again. Nobody can tell you whether he truly WILL do it again or not, but let’s just be safe and bet on the fact that he bloody will and save yourself some heartbreak, will ya?

Do you really wanna even risk going through all that emotional and physical pain again? When the person you love so much tears you apart and stomps on the shattered pieces of your fragile heart, the pain becomes physical.

Your chest feels so tight from the tugging pain in your heart (yes it really feels like someone is tugging on my heart strings and gripping my heart so very tightly in their hands), you can hardly think normally from the endless hours of crying and your eyes can’t even open properly because they’re swelled up from all the tears and even breathing seems like a chore.

I hate how men say, “But baby, it didn’t mean anything, I swear!”

Well guess what asshole?!? IT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.

A whole freakin lot, in fact. It hurt my feelings, cut me deep and erased whatever trust I ever had for you, does that mean ANYTHING to you at all? Can it not be about YOU and your penis or your non existent feelings for once?

It doesn’t matter if it was only JUST that one time to you.

Cuz one time – that’s all it takes for the image and knowledge of it occuring to haunt me for the rest of my life. Enough to make me cry a river of tears and feel worthless, thanks to you. So “one time” isn’t a small deal to me like it is to you.

It was never about the physical activity you had going on with her.

It was always about the fact that you chose her, over me, your girlfriend, the one you supposedly “love”.

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Of course, it’s not easy to let go, and talk is cheap. I know. I was stuck in that situation for more than 2 years, cursing myself everyday for allowing myself to prolong the pain. But no pain, no gain.

And through this experience I’ve definitely gained some insight and first hand experience on how to deal with lying assholes.

I have also realized that it wasn’t entirely his fault that the lies went on for so long. I should have stopped this one way train to self-destruction dead in its tracks when I had the chance the very first time I found out.

But no, like the world’s biggest sucker I happily lapped up all his lies and whatever bullshit he chose to feed me with and in return, LIED to myself that HE wasn’t lying.

Does that even make any sense???

I thought…. well, it’s been a facade this whole time, so what if I continue living in this facade for a little whole longer? Couldn’t hurt.

But everyone snaps out of self-denial eventually and the pain will hurt you harder than ever, because in the end you have nobody to blame but yourself. Which brings me to my next point.


3) It’s NOT your fault, and you CAN’T fix him.

Whenever people ask, “Why are you still with him?” I give them a forced feeble smile but no answer. I utter a weak “Things are better now….” and in my head it continues, “But it’s only a matter of time before things turn to shit again.”

Self-denial is dangerous. Sometimes you lose track of what’s happening in REALITY and what’s being faked in your idealistic word.

I think, somewhere along the lines of being lied to a million times, I lost myself. I lost the anger, the strive to want to lead a better life and I ended up being submissive. Instead of blaming him, I started blaming myself.

….”What’s wrong with me?! I’ve loved him unconditionally and tried to be the best girlfriend I can be – Why does he still not love me?

Am I not pretty enough? Does my personality suck? Am I boring, why would he fall for some other chick? Am I just NOT GOOD ENOUGH???

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!!!!!”

And that is, in all honesty, the worst feeling you can get from being cheated on. When the pain settles in, when you resign to your miserable fate and instead of asking yourself “Why am I with this douchebag?” you ask….

“What’s wrong with me?”

I spent ALL my remaining time blaming myself, and trying to fix him. Even though I never really told anyone I blamed myself, I did. Beneath that anger was a deep sadness I could never bring myself to express fully.

I tried to fix him…. I tried really, really hard. Tried to fix him so much that in return, I was broken. It was no longer a surprise whenever he lied. It was just like, “It’s okay, if I keep loving him unconditionally, he will love me back someday.”

It was almost as if it was a test to prove myself right. Like, HEY, don’t worry, some day he will think you’re worth something. You just gotta wait for the right moment. It wasn’t even about him anymore.

It was about ME, and my need to make things better. My obsessive need to make sure everything was under control. That I had the ability to make things all right again. I think it’s all part of being a Virgo (lol no I don’t really believe in horoscope)

Needless to say, the moment never came. He wasn’t Mr. Right, and in fact he wasn’t even Mr. Right Now.

If I was so smitten, why did I dump him coldheartedly in the end? Well I can’t really tell you exactly why, all I know is, one day I woke up going “FUCK THIS SHIT. I’ve had enough.”

“It’s not my fucking fault if this boy does not see a good girl dangling right before his eyes and chooses the whores instead. Tired of teaching him how to love, tired of teaching him how to be an honest, good person. I’m tired of mothering him, and I miss loving myself. I miss putting MYSELF before someone else. I miss me.”

Forget about the good times we had and what we used to share. I want to look forward to the FUTURE, not back on the past, and even though I’m not sure what is in store for me out there, it’ll be brighter than whatever we have now.

Contrary to what most other people believe, relationships are not just about the good times. Life isn’t a sky full of rainbows, sooner or later you’re going to experience worse days, then what? I can have a good time with ANYONE, even with the guy down the street, but does that mean I want to be his girlfriend? Everyone’s nice when the situation is in their favour.

Judge a person not based on their good days, but on their off days. See if you still like that person when their mask comes off and they reveal who they truly are deep down inside.

What makes a relationship solid is when shit hits the fan, can you count on the other person to get your back?

If you can’t…. bail.

Now, while you still can.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Wow… if handwriting could ever “look” sad, this sure would be it.


5) And my final point?

Even if you think you can forgive him, chances are, one day your fascination with him is going to fade and you’re going to wonder what the fuck you’re doing with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

When you look at his face, you won’t see the boy you knew when you first fell in love with him anymore.

All you’ll see is the face of a liar.

When you kiss him, you don’t enjoy the intimacy – instead you feel grossed out because you can TASTE the nasty residue of that hoe whom he got down and dirty with, behind your back.

When he hugs you, you think of the same hands caressing someone else not so long ago and you feel FILTHY from head to toe.

When you look into his eyes, instead of seeing faith, warmth and trust, all you see is a black hole of emptiness. A reminder of what could’ve been… but never really was.

Every time he says he’s going somewhere with someone, you scrutinize his facial expressions to try and see if he’s telling you a lie. When he says, “I love you baby”, you go “Yeah bloody right.” in your head. Whenever he does something else wrong, it somehow always leads back to the time he lied to you and broke your heart.

Things can never be the same again. Time can cover up wounds but it will not change facts or erase memories.

Perhaps you can somehow bring yourself to forgive…. but you will never, EVER forget.

(case in point, years after breaking up with my ex I’m still rambling on about how cold hearted he is)

Don’t punish yourself for the mistake he did. It’s just not worth it. Love does not mean blindly caring for him unconditionally, if you’re absolutely miserable in the relationship you’re in at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to stand up for yourself and pursue your own happiness for once….

DO IT.

If you were looking for an answer, I hope you have it now.

Theme song of my past relationship.

I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday.