Unsaid letters to people I’d never personally write to, for whatever reason I may have..
Dear Dad -
It’s time for one of those awkward talks / meet ups again, where I call you up regarding financial issues. This time round it’s about my enrollment in Curtin University, Western Australia. I know you sometimes think the only reason why I call you is because I need your money. That’s not true.
I would call you up for a casual lunch, and I’d call you when it’s my birthday or when it’s Christmas and all.. but I feel like you are probably too busy for me. You always seem to have scheduled appointments with patients and meetings with important people. Where does that leave me? You complain that I don’t call you enough – but why don’t YOU ever call ME?
I feel like, after so many years of being absent from your life, perhaps it’s just better to stay that way. I’m sorry… but I plan to bake you a nice cake this weekend when we meet. Will that make up for some things? Hopefully you won’t flip when you realize that my school fees and expenses are going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars. But, hey.. better spending that sort of money on my education than on more fake “autographed” eBay-ed Elvis Presley records right? I know you’ve always wanted me to go to a good university and become a successful career person like you anyway.
Dear Formspring Followers -
I will always be here to help you out, if you need somebody to talk to. No matter how nonsensical or redundant the question, I shall try to answer politely and helpfully. But please, can you try your best to phrase your questions as gramatically accurate as possible?
I know you’re already troubled (which is why you’re treating me as Aunt Agony on my Formspring) and you don’t need someone dissing your grammar or spelling online, but eh, half of the time I spend trying to figure out wth you are trying to say instead of actually thinking about the solution to your problem. I highly suggest taking language classes before solving relationship problems, effective communication is the key to every relationship. Really. You don’t have to be spectacularly good at English, just make sure your sentences makes sense. Thanks.
Also, if your boyfriend is cheating on you, or if your girlfriend is flirting with your best friend, or something along those lines is happening to you… Surely you don’t need ME to tell you – DUMP that hoebag before they cause more hurt to you?!?
Dear Butterflies and Moths –
I bloody hate you. I wish you would all just DIE!!!!! I have never felt so much hatred and wishful death upon anything or anyone else in my life, not even the girl that my ex cheated on me with. Because of you, I have this irrational phobia that makes me shriek out in fear whenever I catch sight of your existence. You don’t even need to be physically there, the thought of your disgusting fluttery wings is enough to send me into a hysterical fit.
Every single night, I am extremely wary and needlessly paranoid when I walk around my house, because I KNOW YOU ARE LURKING and waiting for me. Patiently and silently…. you await the perfect moment to strike. When I’m getting a drink from the fridge, or when I get up at 3am to pee, or when I come home during midnight and I’m ringing the doorbell.. You will suddenly come zooming into my face, and the next thing I know I’d be screaming and jumping all over the place, yelling senselessly. I highly suspect you will be the cause of my death one day.
I can see it all now….. Me, age 35, living in some nice, faraway country in my flashy car. Life is good, I have three beautiful kids, a great job that pays well and my husband never cheats plus I don’t have wrinkles yet. It seems like I’ve got it all – until, one day, you suddenly flutter into my face while I’m driving on some highway and I swerve uncontrollably and the brakes screeeeeeeech and BAaaAAaaaAM!!!!!!! My face meets heavy load truck.
So, before I learn how to drive I am determined to overcome my fear. At least, I’ll learn how to kill you with my bare hands soon. Instead of me running away from you, very soon you’ll be fluttering away from me. Enjoy your invincibility while you can, sucker.
Dear Neopets -
I have been spending entirely way too much time on you. To be frank, I’m sort of embarrassed that I still enjoy browsing your site at this age. Like, what the HELL Jess?! This was the game you were into when you were like 9 years old – why have you gotten “addicted” to it again??? The countless of hours you spend surfing the stupid forums could be spent entertaining your dedicated blog readers instead. Of course, I realized this eventually which is why I’m blogging now when I could be playing mini games on Neopets..
I need to set my priorities straight. But something tells me the moment I stop fiddling around with your site, I’d jump straight back into Left 4 Dead or Maplestory again. …….I can’t help it – I’m a gamer!!!!!!! When will this childish hobby end?
Dear Maid -
When you first started working in our house, I thought you were fantastic. Not the best I’ve had, but good. You could speak decent English, follow simple instructions and seemed pleasant plus hardworking. Now, you are not ANY of those. You have become incredibly rude, complacent, lazy, and slobbish in your work. You never clean stuff as thoroughly as you used to, and the work you do is always half-assed. I hope you realize this is the reason why I never offer you any of the food that I cook or buy back anymore.
YOU should be the one serving me, not the other way around. For that, enjoy eating maggi mee for as long as you are staying here, until you get off your lazy ass and start cooking nice food by yourself again, because you’re not having any of my share. Everyone who has met you agrees that you are annoying and attention-seeking and lazy. What happened?? It’s only been a couple of months. Sigh.
P.S – You have also developed B.O…. gross.
Dear Stomach -
Why the bloody hell do you hurt so much? Was it the fact that I ate 2-day-old bo bo cha cha??? Or the fact that I cooked cheesy mushroom risotto at 2am? Please forgive me. I feel like World War 3 is going on within my tummy right now. The worst part is, you hurt almost EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I know I don’t eat the healthiest meals or at regular timings, but there’s no need to react this way. I do not appreciate adverse reactions consisting of muscle spasms and spontaneous diarrhea. I would go see a doctor, but all they’ll probably tell me to do is eat healtier, drink water and stuff that I already know. I am nice to you – I buy and cook for you lots of yummy food – and this is how you treat me?!?! …Talk about ungratefulness. Tsk.
Dear Stupid Waiter / “Manager” I Met At Party World KTV Yesterday -
I don’t think I’ve encountered WORSE service than what you have shown yesterday!!!!!!! My mouth was literally hung wide open in horror. I will make it a point to blog about what happened in FULL DETAIL and make sure everyone who reads my blog will know about how the fucked up waiters at International Building’s Party World KTV are SPOILING Party World’s image. You casually told me, “Anything you not happy you can send a complaint to my management.”
O RLY? I AM going to, asshole! I will link this blog post to your management too and I hope they fire you or at least give you a warning. If your management decides to overlook this situation then they are really hopeless liao. No Public Relations skills at all. Your KTV joint used to be one of my absolute FAV place to hang out at with Sam, we’d go there like once every week, but mark my words when I say I’m not going back ever again. You are not worth paying a single cent for now. I will probably share my terribly experience in my next blog post.
I went to Party World KTV expecting to have a good time, but all I ended up with was an unpleasant experience I wish I didn’t have to go through. But it will not all be in vain because someone WILL pay for the displeasure I had to go through.