So I know I haven’t been updating all that much, especially from this post onwards, but that’s because I’ve been busy trying to figure out my life… (as always)
Seriously, props to other bloggers who update like every 2 days!!! (although those blogs tend to lack good content and probably should only update every 4 days instead)
Blogging is so tedious and it’s like you have to sit down in your computer chair and stare at the screen and THINK very carefully about what you’re gonna write and then hope it’s entertaining and discreet enough for the public to read, yet personal enough to consider it your own online diary.
And that’s only for food for thought entries!!! What about travelogues where I have to spend a bajillion hours editing a gazillion pictures??
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I wouldn’t because this is what I signed up for…. but it’s because I’ve been quite busy recently, lacking the time to blog often so I’ve only just truly realized HOW much work it is to sustain a blog!!!
At times I get worried about not updating enough because I might lose readers, but at other times I’m like meh, fuck it, if you can’t wait then I’m not gonna make you stay either.
After all, I’m not a full time blogger or anything, but gosh at the rate I’m going and the amount of effort and time I’m devoting to this blog… I’d might as well be!!!
I guess some people just get lucky and others don’t, because I know of other bloggers who try so hard yet get nowhere and others who don’t try at all and are already near the top. It’s ridiculous.
Ok sorry for digressing so much, see that’s what happens when you don’t blog enough, all of a sudden you have so many things to say and ya dunno where to start!!!!!
I was gonna blog about Penang Part 3, but I’d figured you guys might be bored with so much travelogues at one go, so imma do a wordy entry to update the people who are interested in keeping tab on my life
So you’re probably wondering, “Jess, what’s happening with you and Sam??”
The truth is, I don’t really know.
Well I’ll tell you the things I do know.
Right now, Sam’s in the supermarket near my house buying groceries and running other errands for me, while I take some time to blog and update you guys about what’s going on.
Yep, Sam’s in Singapore.
Does that mean we are back together and completely okay now??? ...Not necessarily.
See, we were “taking a break” and I told him to leave me alone for a few days, a week, a few weeks… however long it took me to figure things out on my own.
But knowing Sam’s character, he obviously found it very hard to do that. Not only did he not leave me alone, he annoyed me even further, calling my mother instead when he couldn’t reach me, calling me when I was on holiday, etc etc.
So I got really pissed and I told him “LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP CALLIN ME OR I’LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN ROARRRRR”
Yes, I was really really angry, and thinking about how he behaved back then still makes me angry now. The calls stopped coming to me, but went to my mum instead and basically my mum convinced Sam I wanted him to come to Singapore (lies) and Sam naively believed what she said and booked the next flight down.
But this time, it’s not one of those weekly trips he takes every month.
He’s quit his job in Melbourne, and told his friends and family that he’s possibly not coming back for awhile because he’s moving his ass to Singapore and staying there indefinitely.
He’s finally taken the plunge, to put the both of us out of our misery, to change this long distance relationship into just a normal relationship….
No more crossing oceans and mountains and countries just to see each other. We’d finally be like a normal couple!!!!! Would things go back to the way they were, or possibly be even better, now that they are this way?
Frankly speaking, if you’d told me this would happen a few months ago, I’d be thrilled. I’d be so excited because what I’d been wishing for for so long would finally come true….
But when I heard about Sam coming to Singapore last Friday, the only emotion I felt was being pissed at him.
Why do you always react so late? Why do you only wait until I’m way too angry and too upset to even talk to you or wanna do anything to solve it, that you decide to finally DO something about it??
Why do you not attempt to salvage something when it can STILL be saved??
Why do you only wait until it is too late?
Why are you so fucking stupid!!!!!
…Was all I could think about.
I thought that it wasn’t fair, for him to suddenly decide to come to Singapore (even when I told him not to) when I wanted time for myself. I’ve wanted it for so long, I just don’t want it anymore.
I also thought that it wasn’t smart of him to dump whatever he has in Melbourne just to come to Singapore, because he should’ve done it a few months ago, but more RESPONSIBLY.
Instead of walking out of his job and office and never looking back, he should have given a proper resignation letter and have a good word with his boss.
Instead of walking out on his family, he should have had a good talk with them to let them know he’s sure of what he’s doing, instead of having them go “WTF?? Where did you go and when are you coming back?”
The first night that he was here, was an absolute nightmare.
My mum thought it’d be a good idea to book us a room at Marina Bay Sands, but Sam’s flight wasn’t gonna be here until midnight so in the day I invited Wendy and Kay Kay over to hang out in the pool and go for lunch and dinner, etc.
I even got upgraded from a normal 400+$ a night room to a 900+$ dollar a night Suite!!!!
The room was huge and absolutely gorgeous, the company was fun and I was having a good day in general.
Then night fell, and Sam eventually arrived at the hotel, and things got all messed up.
I thought that when he walked through the door, I’d look into his eyes and everything would magically fall back into place. I thought I’d immediately fall in love all over again, and everything would be okay because it was just like old times.
Me and him, spending lazy days in Marina Bay Sands, soaking in bath tubs and watching TV and ordering room service while admiring the stunning Singapore city views from our window.
But no, the first thing I wanted to do when I saw him was to punch him.
And I almost did!!!!!
…Just kidding. I’m not that violent.
I did push him off the bed though, and that was funny, because he landed on his head. For a moment I thought he might break his neck, but don’t worry, no injury suffered except a sore neck. (wow, I sound awful at the moment, but he deserved it)
I know it seems sincere of him to drop everything he had back in Melbourne to come be with me in Singapore, but you’d think that if he’d be willing to do all of that for me, he’d KNOW what to say when he saw me but he didn’t!!!
He just stood there and stared at me like an idiot.
I was like, WTF??? You came all the way down here just to do nothing in general?
I was also really upset at him because a few days before, I told him to write me a long letter to tell me all about his feelings and why he’s been so annoying and stupid and unlovable recently. I didn’t wanna hear it over the phone, or over text messages…
I wanted a god damn hand written letter.
What’s a girl gotta do to get some sincerity around here nowadays????
But no, he didn’t write me my motherfucking letter.
That was honestly the last straw for me, him not writing that letter.
Ok to you guys it might just be words written from a pen on a piece of paper, but to me, it would mean the world because it’d mean that he cares about this relationship enough to attend to my seemingly insignificant request which was actually extremely important because it would determine whether I’d forgive him or not, judging by how sorry and sincere he sounded in the letter.
I looked at him and asked, “So, where’s my letter?”
And he had this fucking annoying expression on his face and he stuttered and murmured…. “I didn’t write it.”
Thinking about it now, I really should have punched him.
“Forget it then, it’s over”, I said.
And he replied “NO!! No, it’s not over. I was very busy. I’ll write the letter now….” while he fumbles around the hotel room trying to look for a pen and paper.
All I could remember was thinking, “It’s too late, it’s always too late…” with hot tears streaming down my cheeks, utterly disgusted by his insincerity.
Honestly I would so ready to forget and forgive whatever he’d done wrong if he had explained and redeemed himself thoroughly with that damn letter that never came.
IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT IN THE RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!
The everyday things. Things like writing a god forsaken letter.
It may not matter so much to you but it matters to ME.
Does anyone NOT see what I’m talking about here????
Do you now know WHY I’m always pissed off at him?
I know from an outsider’s point of view, Sam seems like a great genuine guy who’d do anything for his girlfriend and I just seem like a demanding bitch..
But if you think about it, if Sam wasn’t so fucking stupid and insensitive sometimes, he wouldn’t even have to take such extreme measures like quitting his job in a heartbeat and abandoning his family “just to be with me.”
EXCUSE ME FUCKER!!!!
You did all of that NOT because of me, you did all of that because your lack of tasteful decisions have driven you to take this route, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me!!!
To cut a long story short..
Being the stupid softie that I am, I’m trying to give him another chance now. He’s staying with me currently (well he has nowhere else to go plus has quit his job in Melbourne so I can’t send him back there) and I’m hoping things will turn out the way I want them to.
But even if they don’t, I know that I’m going to be able to walk out of this holding my head up high, because I’ve tried, and I’ve tried hard.
People don’t think that I am trying just because I don’t throw in as much money into the relationship as he does, but is that REALLY how you measure how much someone has given in a relationship???
What about the person who’s trying to tolerate her partner’s insensitivity, foolishness and indifference all the time?
What about the girl who spends all her nights crying her eyes out and feeling lonely and miserable as fuck when she could be out there having a good time with somebody who could actually BE there for her?
The girl who keeps on believing empty promises that never came.
I don’t know if you can tell… but it hurts me too.
And as much as I love Sam, I love myself too.
No matter what happens, I will ALWAYS love myself more than anyone, because from my previous shitty relationships with friends and family and lovers, I’ve found out that loving yourself is so important… once you lose your self-worth, everything else goes to shit in your life.
You lose your self-esteem, your morals, the things you used to believe in and everything that you stand for.
If I had loved myself a little bit more, I wouldn’t have become a victim of my ex-boyfriend’s emotional abuse. I was made use of, lied to, cheated on, tramped all over and torn into little microscopic pieces and all because I didn’t value my dignity enough and I actually put my heart and soul into something that never gave me anything back in return.
The day I broke up with him and told myself never to look back again was the day I started loving me for who I am, valuing my own happiness just as much or even higher than the people I care about.
I’m so glad I don’t believe in unconditional love anymore.
I’ve learned how to tell right from wrong, and just how much is enough and when one last chance is one chance too many.
What’s the point in being with somebody who doesn’t make you happy anymore??
Just because we’ve had a past? Sorry buddy, I live for RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and the future… but definitely not the past.
So yeah, right now, I’m giving him another chance to make me happy again.
I’m giving US another shot at happiness, because I have nothing to lose at the moment. And apparently, so does he.
And if it doesn’t work out, I will cherish all the memories we’ve shared, the time we spent together and everything it meant to me.
Only time will tell.