Today’s post is merely for the sake of updating and if a happy, interesting post is what you’re looking for, then this is not it.
I feel like life has been so slow this year, and I’m really sick and tired of living like a robot / zombie day in and out.
I know it’s obnoxious of me to blame it on my long distance relationship, but I am. I also know I’ve said countless times before, that being in a LDR changes you… but it turns out that it’s affecting me a lot more than I think.
Before I got into a LDR, I was a go getter, always interested in trying new things, always on the move with my life.
Now, I’m numb, cold, bored of everything and too lazy to get off my arse for anything anymore… You ask, how does being in a LDR turn you into something like that?!
It’s hard to explain, but basically, I’ve been wanting something so much, for so long, that really, I don’t want anything anymore. I’m uninterested to plan or think about the future, because it hurts so much.
To me, it feels like the future is never coming. It’s been a damn year, and everything’s still the same. My life has come to a standstill.
I know this can be easily changed if I put my heart into it and start being productive again, but I’m feeling so down, like I don’t want good things for myself anymore. I’m always so pissed with my boyfriend, always having so many fights that frankly…. I’m tired of it all.
My heart’s now telling me it doesn’t know what it wants. Because wanting something means great expectations, and everytime I have great expectations, I receive great disappointments instead.
And this relationship used to be all that I wanted.
I wanted to get good grades, get into a good Australian University and move in with him.
Right now even the thought of moving in with him seems out of the question. How could I possibly live with somebody who’s so incapable of handling his emotions and difficult situations? I don’t need another boy who just sits there and cries whenever he doesn’t know what to do.
Real men cry, when they can’t do anything about the situation.. boys cry to pretend like they’re really upset and hoping that would gain them some sympathy votes.
He always makes promises, empty ones, and I feel so silly for believing every single one of them.
I’m not upset because I’m afraid to be alone.. I’m upset because, for the first time in my life, I knew exactly what I wanted and I was so determined to achieve it.
I tried, and I tried hard, but it seems like you’d throw it all away. Your immaturity disgusts me, and the fact that you can be so DIFFERENT in a short amount of time makes me think you have a personality disorder.
I mean, psychological problems must be the only logical explanation as to why you’ve been acting so strangely, right??
I told you to go seek help, and I hope you did.
Have I ever mentioned that when I cry, sometimes he LAUGHS at me?!
I need my own space, but you refuse to give that to me. You spam call my phone, giving me 20 missed calls, or until I pick up. If I turn off my phone, you bug me on MSN, and call my home phone, any possible way to annoy me even further.
When all else fails, you threaten to commit suicide and even took out a knife to cut your skin to freak me out.
Is this how a loving relationship is supposed to work? Sounds FUCKED UP to me.
When I try to talk some sense into you, all you do is keep quiet and it drives me crazy. I’d rather you lie to my face, scream vulgarities or argue back than to just keep quiet. Do you have ANY idea what it’s like to try and work things out with somebody who keeps his bloody mouth shut 99% of the time?!?
Don’t tell me now to try and work things out. Don’t you dare. Nobody sees that I’ve tried, but I know damn well myself that I HAVE fucking tried, and it’s just not working out… I’m not going to listen to ANYONE’S advice, because I know that nobody understands this situation.
Doesn’t anyone see that for THIS WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, this relationship has been the only thing I’ve been working on?
I need a mature individual for a companion, not a boy who pisses me off (intentionally) and then begs me for forgiveness afterwards.
I say intentionally because I’ve specifically warned him against doing certain things that I know will set my temper off, and he consciously makes every decision knowing fully well I wouldn’t be happy about it but you know what??
HE MAKES THAT DECISION ANYWAY.
And that is what I cannot stand. I am not your top priority anymore, that’s what annoys the fuck out of me, because here you are claiming how much you love me and how much you care, but it’s not MY feelings you care about, it’s yours.
Isn’t it apparent that you’ve long stopped bothering about how I feel??
Open your eyes, and see that everything you’ve done recently is for yourself, not me. You only take flights down to Singapore when I threaten to break up with you, you only make empty promises to keep me temporarily satisfied while I wait for them to happen…
If you truly loved me, you would have seen just how fucking miserable I’ve been recently. When I say recently I actually mean the past few months. Truly loving somebody means placing someone elses happiness before your own.
I’m not doing that, and neither are you.
But hey, at least I’m not the one going around pretending to be the victim of a stressed relationship and in the name of true love.
I KNOW I’M BEING SELFISH, but I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m a conceited 18 year old who has been in many fucked up relationships before, so now I just want to look pretty and live happily and eat good food and buy nice things and I deserve the fucking right to be selfish thank you very much. I’ll think about settling for second best when I’m older and less attractive.
I love you for free and I’m not your mother… but you don’t even bother.
I know you’re flawed, everyone is, but I’m tired of trying to fix you. Some people you just can’t fix.. You need me, but that’s not my problem.
You can’t even be bothered FIXING YOURSELF.
Speaking of needs, my ex-boyfriend needed me too. I used to think that I was the one who needed him, not the other way around, but I was wrong.
Why else would he have got down on his knees, begged me to stay with him only to turn around and stab me in the heart multiple times later on?
He needed me as a toy to emotionally abuse, for his sick narcissistic needs and there’s no one else to blame but myself, because I was the only girl silly enough to stay with him that long.
2 and a half years, that’s how much time I’ve wasted on him. And the truth is, from the first few months that I was with him, I was already telling myself I should just let go of it because it won’t end well. Yet I stuck around for 2 years more. I don’t wanna waste as much time as I did before.
I’m not a girl looking for unconditional love and somebody to marry her.
I know that relationships sometimes don’t work out, and that’s okay with me. It hurts, but I’ll get over it, like I’ll get over any hurdle thrown in my way.
What I refuse to do is wallow in self pity and stick around in a relationship that I know is slowly eating me up inside and destroying every ounce of confidence and happiness I’d so painstakingly built up since my last failed relationship.
I don’t want to make the same mistake again, trying to fix a boy, trying to make him love me the way I want him to.
Loving somebody is useless unless you love them the way they NEED to be loved.
It sucks, because I could’ve sworn that at the start, we were perfect. I know that every relationship’s beginning is sugary sweet but we were REALLY perfect. How could you have changed so much within a year??
People say, “But you guys were so happy!!!”
YES! As you can see, we were VERY happy when I decided to overlook all our problems and focus on the good bits only. Convince myself that everything’s going to change.
But I’ve waited for more than a year now and nothing’s changed, so am I happy now?? NO.
People only talk about the good times we’ve had, but have you ever seen how many times I’ve broken down and cried my guts out? Have you ever seen me stay up till 6am every night because my relationship problems are keeping me awake?
Usually, when we have fights, even big ones, I sleep on it and I wake up the next day feeling MUCH better. Then I start to feel a little sorry, and apologize for being a bitch before, and carry on with the relationship.
But it’s different now.
I woke up today, wondering what the heck am I doing wasting time like this, wasting what could have been some of the best years of my life.
When I look at you now, I don’t see the guy I once knew.
…And that scares me, because I wonder where he’s gone, and if he’s ever coming back.
I’m sorry. We could have been so good together.