Overcoming Obstacles

This blog post is entitled “Overcoming Obstacles”, and rightfully so, because today I will be talking about all the things I’ve been struggling to deal with recently! Partly inspired by people who are CONSTANTLY telling me “Oh, you’re such a lucky girl / I wish I was you / Your life is perfect”
Nobody’s life is perfect, and mine certainly isn’t!!

I figured we could all do with one less picture-intensive travelogue post and actually get inside my head this time, and fill you guys in on the more unpleasant part of my life… why?? Because I don’t want people to think I’m trying to portray a perfect image here!
I consider my blog to one of the most real around, so when it becomes too sugary sweet, I like to bring it back to reality and let people know that I am only human. And if you ever thought my life was perfect, you are foolish!!! Ok, no doubt I don’t have anything majorly depressing to deal with, like physical disabilities or dying family members or not having enough money to survive on, etc… But hey, I deal with my own shit too ok!
Here we go, sob fest about to begin, I’m gonna type up a ranty storm. 

Recently I have REALLY been struggling to cope with my long distance relationship.
I can’t remember how many nights I’ve cried, and it wasn’t just the “omg I miss my bf” kind of sob… It’s the, “AGGHHHH WTF AM I DOING *finds it hard to breathe* FUCK MY LIFE IT SUCKS SO MUCH, I WANT TO DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! *bangs head against the wall*” kind of cry.

I haven’t been telling anyone at all, I haven’t been blogging or even tweeting about it… Because I know that it’s a problem I’m gonna have to deal with on my own. If you’ve ever been in a long-distance relationship, you’ll know exactly what I mean. No matter what people say, it doesn’t make you feel better… I mean what kind of advice or kind words can people offer you to ease the pain? What sort of comfort can you receive to make the nights less lonely, except from the person you so dearly miss himself?

Here’s what being in a long distance relationship feels like.

IT’S SPECIAL.
And I mean like really fucking special.

You KNOW for sure that any 2 people in a long distance relationship are fucking crazy in love, because NOBODY in their right mind would put themselves up to experience such pain and costs unless their feelings were the purest from the bottom of their hearts. People in long-distance relationships devote more time, more money, more resources, more effort… More everything!!! I consider myself fucking lucky because my bf comes over about once every month, I can’t imagine not seeing him for more than that because everytime he’s gone, I feel like I lose a part of myself and I’m not the happiest girl on earth that I usually am!!

You know that lovely feeling you get around the person you love?
I love who I am around him, because I’m forever laughing, forever stuffing my face with yummy food, forever taking cat naps and tickling each other on the bed… but without him I am a sad, angry, and lost girl.

I suppose I’ve grown so attached to him that it feels weird waking up in the morning without him lying right next to me, it’s weird not having to ask him what he wants for dinner because he’s not here…

I feel incomplete, and vulnerable.
But it doesn’t take very long for me to turn from lost to frustrated… Because I’m so deprived of my usual loving and cuddles (and a lot of other things), I become really ANGRY. I get pissed off at everything easily, *especially* him. Suddenly, the person I ultimately adore to death becomes the most annoying person on earth. Everything he says is stupid, everything he does is retarded, he even looks irritating to me!!!! I can’t even look at his face on Skype without feeling annoyed.

I am not interested in having any conversations with him, and basically I want to spend as much time doing my own thing (like playing online games) as possible and whenever I get the chance to, I lash out at him. I yell at him when he doesn’t play properly in games, I take offence at everything he says….. I guess it’s because I’m so bloody angry at him for putting me in this situation.
It’s like, screw you!!! You may not be a cheating lying unethical asshole like my ex-boyfriend, but you probably make me cry just as often because I miss you so much.

I mean of course I know he technically didn’t PUT me in this situation, because it takes two hands to clap, right?? But sometimes I wonder why I even bother making myself go through this.. I know it’s because I ♥ him, but I’m such a needy gf that being in a LDR is killing me! I have to have attention from my boyfriend 24/7, like you wouldn’t even believe. I’ve become a lot more independent after being in this relationship of course, but I’m still attention-seeking as always!!! I’m very very very close to my significant other, since I’m not that close to friends… I’d rather focus all my attention on one person than have to divide it, y’know?

I like living in my small protected bubble, surrounded only by very few people in my life, people I genuinely like and can trust. Which leaves me wondering… why the fuck do I have a boyfriend for when he’s not around here 3/4 of the time??? Whenever he’s not around, I’m like a lifeless zombie!!!!!!

I’m emo, lonely, (my mum is always traveling and the rest of my family isn’t that close-knitted) and angry! And then that part of me tells my brain that this whole long distance relationship is retarded and that it needs to end. I end up starting lots of fights with him, just so I can slip the words “let’s take a break” in somewhere and hope he doesn’t take it too hard.. When the drama is all over, (it usually happens at night when I’m PMS-y and emotional) and I wake up the next morning feeling heaps better, I remember what I did last night and I feel incredibly bad because I can say really mean things when I’m upset. The experience may be over, but the words always hurt when you think about what was said, I know that first-hand….

I feel so fucking guilty but I cannot help it either!!!

In my defense, sometimes he really is motherfucking annoying and I just want to gouge out his eyeballs with my fingernails -_-

Sometimes he completely deserves all the shit he gets from me. I don’t wanna sound TOO emo, that’s why I’m taking a “omg this is so frustrating” tone to this post rather than a “fuck my depressing life I’m hurting and crying and sad” tone to it…. But honestly, I never blog about all the stupid things my bf does and it affects me way more than anyone knows. Sometimes I feel like it’s really unfair, just because he SEEMS perfect, doesn’t mean he is!! Just like my life portrayed my blog. I didn’t do it intentionally, but nobody likes to bitch about their life constantly right? (except whiny annoying people)

I try to put the limelight on happy, lighthearted stuff because it’s a lot easier to deal with, obviously. People see my bf always buying me flowers, expensive gifts, bringing me on holidays, making lovely DIY gifts for me… (which is wonderful) so whenever I complain about my bf, nobody ever takes me seriously! FML. So much for being “optimistic”. You want me to write down every jerky thing he’s done meh? Can’t you just take my word for it that he can be a real ass sometimes? I’m a very fair person!!! If he’s being nice, I will say he’s very nice. When I have to say he’s an ass, TRUST ME, he IS an ass. I guess the long distance gets to him as well, so he’s less charming and a lot less tolerant of my antics….

When the storm settles down, things will eventually get better, but the vicious cycle will continue again in a few weeks or a month’s time, each time more aggressive than the previous. At the start of a long-distance relationship, you know it’s going to be hard. People ask you, “Are you sure? It’s a lot of trouble!” and you ask yourself, “Are you bloody sure? It’s going to be a FUCKLOAD OF TROUBLE!!!”

And there’s a small little voice inside your head that’s going, “Screw this, you’re crazy!”” but really your heart is just beating at a hundred miles per hour and it’s screaming,

“OMG BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY, SO OKAY!! LET’S GO LET’S GO OMG I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHERE THIS TAKES US HEHEHE”

And that is the only voice you actually ever listen to.
At least that’s what happened for me. Everything was so fucking magical at the start, I was dancing around my room every single day and singing love songs deep into the night and loving life because I thought it popped right out of a fairy tale book. I thought I’d finally met my Prince Charming (eh thats always the impression you get at the start) but I think me and Sam progressed WAY too fast for our own good… Our “honeymoon” period barely lasted a month and everything was so much more difficult from then on!!! I wonder if it’s normal for couples to fight and make up as often as we do?

Well it’s probably normal, but most definitely not healthy!!!!

The problem with Sam is that he can have a 360 degree personality change JUST LIKE THAT *snaps fingers* It’s like, one moment he’s Prince Charming, who is the sweetest guy you could ever imagine and the next moment he’s this jerk that I don’t even know. And it’s really frustrating because he switches his two personalities on and off so much, I don’t ever know that to expect next! Even when he switches on Prince Charming, I still feel angry with Prince Dickhead and I’m like, “YEA, you’re not sorry, so stop saying you are.. you’re gonna turn all Prince Dickhead on me soon enough!!”
I hate how guys throw around the words “I’m sorry” so easily. It’s more than likely even more commonly used than the words “I love you” (both having extremely great value) but I suppose the latter is not more popular because I just know there are more jerks than romantics out there.

For those who haven’t a slightest clue, here is what I AM SORRY means:
“I am sorry means I sincerely regret the foolish actions I have done to hurt your feelings, I understand that my insensitivity has caused you pain but I am hereby declaring that I will not do the same thing to hurt you ever, ever again, because you just mean too much to me and I can’t bear to see you heartbroken like that anymore.”

Y’KNOW???

Not fucking “I will now throw the words I’m Sorry in your face because it’s a convenient loophole us pathetic guys like to abuse and make use of because we think it gets us out of hot soup easily, you girls lap it all up like eager bitches and even though I say I’m sorry, really, I’m not, because imma do the same fucking thing to hurt you tomorrow again, heehaw.”

…How do you deal with a guy like that?  ,Well I don’t wanna go on and on about what a jerk my bf is, because he is nice MOST of the time, so I’ll stop complaining about him. The point I’m trying to get at is, long distance relationships are really tiring and they’re harder than you think!!! They do change your personalities and they make two people who are completely in love become completely sick of each other.

You become a different person… And you know the other person is different, too. And it leaves you wondering if you’re still meant to be together, since things have changed so much. I really really like you, but because of that I’m also really really annoyed with you, but really… I just really like you.
Having said all this, I’m not going to give up soon… or at least I hope I won’t!!! I hope this annoyance and frustration is only temporary, and that things would fall into their rightful place soon.
It’s very intimidating to think about, considering the only way we’re ever gonna “solve” this long-distance problem is to…

MOVE IN WITH EACH OTHER.
I guess that’s PART of the reason why I wanna go to Melbourne to study.

Not just because I want to be with my bf, I also genuinely want to experience the lifestyle there but it’s so scary to think I’m gonna live-in with my boyfriend in ANOTHER COUNTRY at the age of 18!!!! Hello who the hell goes to live in another country with her bf at 18?? The thought if it is absolutely crazy, like the plot came out from the movies. Sam says he’s going to rent a place for the both of us and I was kinda shocked at the idea.

It’s very flattering and all, but I FEEL LIKE A KID STILL.

Moving in with someone else and having a place I can call my own just seems like something so adult-ish and it scares me because, WHAT HAPPENS if things between the two of us don’t work out? What happens if he dumps me, or if I meet someone new, or if we just get utterly sick of each other… and we’re stuck in the same bloody house?

It’s not as if I have another option – I’m going to be halfway through my studies in Aus, and nowhere else to go. I don’t have any relatives in Australia, at least not in Melbourne, and if he kicks me out of the house, I’m dead!!! I am not doubting him or myself, I am simply being realistic. I have to be mature and be real and think about very possible consequences when my future is at stake! I’m not gonna be like, “Ooooh we’re going to get a house together in Melbourne and have kids and live happily ever after hehehe”

Ok la Sam is not the kind who would EVER kick anybody out of the house but you know, it’s a lot of responsibilities to face. The moment you move in with somebody, it’s like REAL COMMITMENT. I guess to avoid this problem I can also stay in a hostel or something, but that’s kinda retarded since if I’m going to Australia to spend more time with him, I might as well stay with him! It’s all so very confusing for me…

At the start, I was 100% sure.
I was bent on moving to Australia and living a wonderful happy life there with my bf but now that things have gotten a lot harder and we’ve been having a lot more shitty times, I’m just not so sure anymore.
I’ve seen things I never wanted to see, found out things that I never wanted to know… I’m just not so confident. Sigh.

I still love my boyfriend very much, but I hate having doubts about something.
I can’t have a single doubt in my relationship because that doubt will grow and grow into bigger suspicions and eventually it will self-destruct on its own and it will be all because of that one tiny doubt! I’ve always believed relationships should be a HUNDRED PERCENT, no less. If it’s anything less, it is NOT worth holding on to and I’m better off being alone.

Sorry if I seem like I’m just rambling on endlessly, but I am so fucking confused. I am going to graduate from my Diploma course soon, and I would have to make a life changing decision then. Stay in Singapore and wonder what could have been, or take a huge leap of faith and jump into Australia and hope that everything turns out wonderfully? You know, if I do move in with Sam, I would definitely have to move out one day and the thought itself scares me to death.
Unless we get married…. But I’m naturally assuming that’s out of the question now (I’m bloody 18!)

I think breaking up with somebody is earth-shattering enough, imagine having to move out and shift countries too!!

I’M COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT HERE.

I feel like I’m left with no choice, because if I don’t move there, we would break up anyway because I CAN’T STAND A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE and I don’t want him to come to Singapore anyway because I desperately want to get out of here!! Just so you know, I am NOT afraid of commitment… Hell, I am ALL about commitment when it comes to relationship. I am dedicated and I will give everything I have. But this time it’s not just about me and what I have to offer.

Moving to Australia would mean leaving behind everything I’ve ever known… leaving behind familiar Sunny ol’ Singapore, as much as I want to get out of this place, I grew up here.
Could I get used to life elsewhere? I’m gonna miss my family and the few friends that I have so so so much!!!!

It will be expensive, and I obviously don’t have the means to come up with that sort of money myself, so I’m gonna have to ask a huge favour from my parents.
What if I fuck up halfway (be it due to lifestyle / studies / relationships there) and I want to come home?
I don’t want to disappoint my parents!!!! I mean I have to get REALLY good grades there, otherwise it’s all for nothing

And I’m so not the kind who likes to stress over grades…. I get decent grades and all, but I’d HATE to become one of those people who only ever thinks about mugging and mugging and books and lessons and become so lifeless and sad. I believe that education is important, but there are far more important things in life than to fuss over whether you get A’s or B’s.
Also….
It doesn’t help that the only question I ever get nowadays from people is,
“So when are you going to Australia to live / study?”

Every time I meet a friend, a lecturer, a relative, or even blog readers people will just ask me… “How come you’re not in Australia yet? When are you going? Who are you going to live with? What are you going to study?”

AHHH STOP IT!!!! A simple “How are you?” would suffice, ok?
If you know me in real life and you’re reading this, pls DON’T ask me that question… I should have never mentioned it to people in the first place -_-


WHAT SHOULD I DO?????
I wanna rip my hair out!!! I hardly ever ask advice from anybody, not from my friends, my mum or even my boyfriend because most of the time I know exactly what the fuck I’m doing. But this is a big effing dilemma with a capital D because it’s a big decision and there’s just TOO many possible factors involved. You can’t deduce an evaluative conclusion by examining the circumstances because it’s just one of those things that you gotta try it out for yourself to ever know what it’s even like.

Some advice from people would be real swell, especially if you’ve ever moved in with a boyfriend or studied abroad (where you don’t have any friends / relatives) or been in a long distance relationship like mine before..
I would love to hear from you and if possible, do share your personal experiences! Is it as scary as I think it is?

DID YOUR BF KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE? Ahhhh! I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it for a very long time.

I’m 18, and right now I’m facing one of those big crossroads in life where you either
take an awesomely epic journey,
or….. go on a one way track along the highway to hell.