Coming home to Singapore

I’m flying back to Singapore in a couple of hours.

Finally, I’m going home… It feels like I have been on holiday forever. I have almost forgotten what being at home feels like.

I don’t know how to feel actually, it’s a whole mixture of emotions. Relief, sadness being the main two… I miss home but I kinda don’t wanna go home at the same time.

For some reason I think I’m going to be very very lonely girl when I go home. I’ve been having fun with friends and my bf and his family here in different parts in Australia.

In Singapore I hardly ever go out with friends.. I feel like there’s nothing fun to do and that’s relatively true. In Singapore I don’t have my boyfriend with me and sometimes I go more than a month without even seeing him.. In Singapore my house is always empty. My mum and brother are always either going out with their friends or doing their own thing.

I’ve been staying in Sam’s house for the past 2 weeks ish and there’s always somebody home. His parents are always there when you need them and his siblings always come home for dinner. When I bake or cook, there’s always somebody excited or wanting to eat it and I really like this feeling. You know, the homely feeling.

I was informed that my maid went back to her hometown in Indonesia several days ago and I completely bawled my eyes out for a couple of hours.

I was pretty shocked at myself for having such a big reaction… but I didn’t realize how important she has been in my life for these past 2 years.

She cooks, cleans, and takes care of me… She helps me run errands and basically do everything I need her to do for me. But the thing is, she’s more than just a maid to me.

She’s like the friend I never had… She knows all my favourite food, she knows what time I wake up everyday and she knows whenever I’m happy. She knows what I always wear, where I keep my things and that I like a lot of butter and sugar on my toast.

She can tell by my puffy eyes and red face that I was crying and she never fails to ask what’s wrong. When I need her to leave me alone, she does. When I need her to be there, she is always here for me in a way, even if her method of comforting me is cooking me some food in the middle of the night because she knows eating always makes me happy.

She knows that when I’m happy, I always break into song and dance silly around the house, jumping around like a little kid… And she always giggles and asks why I’m so happy.

I’m just astonished at how much she knows about me, in a way that my boyfriend or family can never relate to because they’re just not around me enough.

I stay at home a lot and the only person who’s always around me and at home just as much is my maid, and I miss her already. I’m heartbroken that I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person when she left. It’s just so hard to accept the fact that someone who’s been such an important part of my life for the past 2 years (even though I didn’t realize it) will be gone when I go back home.

All her stuff will be packed up and missing from the house, and it would be almost as if she never existed.

And I feel fucking guilty because not so long ago, I tweeted something like, “Oh I can’t wait for the time she goes home coz I’m so sick of her!!!”

I was so angry at her for stealing my stuff and for lying at the moment but now that she’s actually gone, I feel like home wouldn’t be the same.

So I’m dreading going home.

Maybe it’s all silly talk, maybe I’ll go home and realize that everything’s fine… Maybe I’ll get used to the new maid.

All I know is, suddenly, I’m not comfortable with solitude anymore… I feel extra vulnerable recently. I’m exceptionally needy and confused.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed or anything… Most of the time I’m actually pretty damn freaking happy and I’m enjoying myself and everything but something just doesn’t feel right.

Maybe I’m just not blogging enough!

Blogging always helps me release bottled up emotions and it gives me a sense of identity… It’s so important being able to figure yourself out and even better if you can confidently pen it down, there’s nothing to hide from the world.

Sometimes I feel like when I stop blogging, I start losing sight of what’s important…

Because blogging is such a great way to reflect upon life. It’s when my thoughts are unobstructed, when I’m concentrating 100% on how I truly feel about things and when my opinions are the most raw. I like blogging about my problems because somewhere in my post lies the key to solving my problems.

I may not be typing all that much but trust me, a lot is going on in my head.

Just talking about myself TO myself helps me figure out myself a little better, especially when I read my post over and over again and it sounds like I’m reading the diary of someone else.. I understand myself a little better and it gives me new perspective on things.

Whenever I want to understand my true emotions on a certain issue, I’d ask myself, “How would I blog about it?”

And through this blog post, today I’ve understood that….

1) Things have been changing so much at home

2) So I’m kinda scared to go back

3) She was much more of a friend than she was a maid to me

4) Blogging is the only thing keeping me sane and well-grounded

5) This past month has been such a whirlwind, it must have shaken me up quite a bit.

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Now I can’t wait to blog about all that’s happened once I get home so I can start figuring out what the heck I am on about.

Catch you guys later, and thanks for being so patient with me.