Warwick Avenue

I love this song and I usually sing it when I’m in a good mood, but today it just caught me and tugged on my heart strings while I was unexpectedly vulnerable, and I feel compelled to open up and share my own experiences with other people so here goes.

Listening to this song and watching the tears roll down Duffy’s face made me think of my own tears that I shed while being in the exact same situation.

This song is about moving on to better things in life, to break free from a seemingly bottomless pit and finally realizing that you’re better off than what you once believed you could never live without.

For 2 and a half years of my life, I lived everyday thinking that I was in love with my ex-boyfriend and that I could never survive a day without him.

Almost a year later, I’m in a relationship with someone who appreciates me more, I am generally happier and definitely better off.

Despite the fact that I’m in love with someone completely new and have already moved on, it seems like every now and then I remember what used to be my world, and I remember one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned and will ever learn.

They say “the first cut is the deepest”, and I’m sorry if I have to resort to cliche and over-repeated quotes we have all heard before to emphasize on what I really mean, but these quotes wouldn’t be so famous if they weren’t so true.

Your first love would be nothing like the rest of your relationships. It is the first time you fall in love that you fall the deepest, because you love like you’ve never been hurt before. And that, in my opinion, is one of the truest forms of love.

Because in my first real relationship, I taught myself how to love unconditionally. I was new to this scene, and all I could really understand was how hard and fast he made my heart beat.

I’ve never known heartbreak like how it knew to always find its way to me, and because I’ve never been hurt quite so badly, I also never knew how to protect myself.

For the longest time, I was obsessed with the fact that I was in love with somebody whom I thought was perfect for me, never once stopping to realize that perhaps I’m in love with the idea of what I’d like him to be or who I THINK he is, and not realizing who he actually was is someone I’ve never known, and still don’t.


I was trying to hold onto someone who was already gone.

I was young, far too young and naive back then to even begin to grasp the basic concept of relationships. I just knew that I had to love him, and that I had to be with him.

When you’re in a relationship like that, you don’t stop to think that one day, all that was your entire world would come crashing down on your head, taking you along with it.

You’d never imagine that he would say the hurtful things to shatter your world that he eventually did one day, you’d never imagine that you were merely placed as an option all along when he was obviously your priority.

And so I got hurt.

I was lied to, I was emotionally abused and I cried like I’ve never cried before.

He didn’t want to see me, he was seeing other girls and making use of me, toying with my feelings and you know… just doing the usual stuff to break my heart.


And you know what? That’s okay.

Everyone goes through heartbreak, and sometimes you’re gonna wholeheartedly trust that seemingly special someone who steals your heart but conveniently steps all over it and leaves you to bleed out all by yourself… but the most important part is knowing how to pick up the pieces and walk away.

There will always be assholes out there.

But they are not the biggest problem of all.

I am not quite as upset about the fact that he cheated me a hundred times too many, and absolutely destroyed my self-esteem and every ounce of self-respect I had for myself..

What I’m really, really cut about is the fact that I let him do it to me. Over and over again.

I let him hurt me, because I was too eager to believe his lies, too desperate to feel wanted and loved.

I believe that..

The first time he lies to you, it is his fault.

The second, third, fourth and countless other times are all your fault.

You must know that if he lies to you once, he definitely can lie to you again. I am not saying that he definitely will, I am just saying that he might and is definitely capable of repeating the same mistakes.

And you know what else?! Don’t be an idiot.

There’s a chance that he won’t tear you up inside again, but don’t use that as an excuse to throw away your dignity and self-worth and readily accept living a lie while in self-denial.

Don’t let that be the reason why you forgive him after his second repeated mistake even though there was a gut feeling inside you telling you that something is very, very wrong.

I’ll be completely honest with you and tell you that the only reason why I stuck with my ex-boyfriend for so long was because I was too obsessed with the idea that some day he will change for me, and I can say that I was right here waiting for him all along.

They say love is unconditional, and me being the idiot that I was, happily lapped up every single ounce of bullshit that was spoon fed to me by clueless people who claimed that true love is unconditional.

And it was my first relationship – of course I thought I was truly in love.

But I’ve been meaning to say this for awhile now so I will say it loud and clear.


FUCK UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

The last time I listened to that shitty advice, I got my heart seriously fucking broken.

Only 2 types of people would promote “unconditional love” :

Mother Teresa, or somebody who just couldn’t find anyone better out there to make themselves happier and simply resigned to their lowly fate.

You know, that would be the sort of shit coming from Jerk Neo’s wife, going like “I will love him no matter what, stick by him through thick and thin……… even though he wanted to stick his penis into everything that was breathing and had a hole beneath ignoring the fact that we are married with kids”

Yes, your love may be “unconditional”, and that is the reason why your husband is going around having sex with girls half your age and probably why you are so bloody miserable and still haven’t left him yet.

They say she’s known about the affairs, but kept one eye shut.

What’s even more astonishing is the fact that some girls said they found her love to be very inspiring and strong. What kind of message is this woman sending across to young girls in Singapore?!?

That it is okay for your husband to cheat on you?

Or that knowingly letting your husband belittle you and everything that your marriage stood for is loving someone unconditionally?

It’s not.

It is, more than anything, sheer stupidity and lack of self-respect for yourself.

I find that 99% of the time, guys take girls for granted because we let them. Never let the guy feel like he doesn’t even need to earn your respect or forgiveness when he’s done something wrong.

A relationship shouldn’t be something just to HAVE, it’s something to work for!!!

Practicality over passion is for losers who end up marrying someone they wish they didn’t and spend the rest of their lives hating on people who are actually in love and happy.

Who is going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

“To love somebody, you must first love yourself.”

Sounds like a load of bullocks, but let me explain it to you.

When you love yourself, you learn to take pride in having utmost dignity and respect your self-worth. With that, men will eventually realize that they cannot shove you aside and trample all over you like a barbie doll – They will learn to respect you as well.

They say “trust is the fundamental base in a relationship” but what they don’t tell you is that someone will only bother to tell you the inconvenient truth if they respect you enough.

Otherwise, they’d figure that you are not even worth explaining to and would forget the whole idea of being completely honest with you in the end.

Without mutual respect, there will be no honesty and not enough consideration, and with that, there will certainly be no happiness and love.

No guy in his right mind would intentionally or knowingly hurt a woman he really cares about, he would rather hurt himself.

If he’s willing to take that chance, then obviously he doesn’t care about you as much as you think he does.

Love can be impractical (like my own long-distance relationship), sometimes it may not even make sense but


LOVE IS NOT UNCONDITIONAL UNLESS IT’S FROM YOUR MOTHER!

It worries me when I see how many girls out there are in destructive relationships, letting themselves be physically and emotionally abused by their boyfriends – all in the name of “unconditional love”!!

Please stand up for yourself and have some dignity!

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You’re better off without the boy who would always rather spend time playing stupid computer games than precious time with you,

The boy who always seems to have suspiciously over-friendly text messages with random girls on his phone

The boy who shortens your dates because he would rather do something else with other people

The boy who (indirectly or not) compares you to other girls with better figures, looks etc or says bad things about you to destroy your self esteem

The boy who always conveniently fails to pick up his phone while he’s out partying at night

The boy who turns violent and whose aggressiveness scares / harms you when you guys have fights

The boy who never keeps his promises, from the littlest to the biggest things

The boy who says bad things about behind your back to his / your friends

The boy who could look you straight in the eyes and tell a blatant lie without even blinking

The boy who never replies your sweet text messages and never calls back when he says he will

The boy who seems to love you, but seems to like every other girl as well

…And the boy who just never loved and appreciated you enough.

Most girls are unrealistically optimistic about their relationships or sometimes just in major self-denial, so if there happens to be a voice inside your head telling you that something is wrong, don’t ignore it.

I remember crying myself to sleep wishing that things would get better, but they never did. Not until I took control of my own life and stopped letting a destructive relationship consume me.

And I know I’m not the only one who cries myself to sleep (or used to)

If he abuses you in any way or if he really does not make you happy, you are better off without him. It will hurt a lot in the beginning, but eventually you will thank yourself for making the right decision.

Perhaps this may be hard to believe for those who are stuck in a shitty relationship or situation right now..

But some day you will meet somebody new, who will treat you the way you should be and want to be treated then you will realize that relationships hold a whole new meaning to you.

It is not a quest for dominance, it is a lovely partnership where you can both contribute to each others lives and make it more worthwhile.

I concur that having the balls to break up with my abusive and manipulative ex-boyfriend is one of the best decisions I have ever made, and has allowed me to grow so much as a person.

Muster whatever courage that you have, and take a leap from this black hole that’s eating you up inside. Break free.

I know it is easier said than done – I’ve been in my fair share of pretty awful situations myself. I know what it’s like to feel completely trapped in a bottomless pit that you feel like you’ve got yourself in..

But stop bloody wallowing in self-pity and DO SOMETHING to make your life better!

And when you do finally take the plunge, be firm with your decision and never look back.

Nothing says weak like trying to walk away from someone but giving up halfway and ending up running right back into his waiting arms because he knew you just weren’t strong enough to do it.

With each try, the next will be harder, and more distant.

Oh and of course, assholes are not worth being friends with!!! Tell the ex to go screw himself if he wants to be “friends”, more like he wants make up sex or something y’know? Don’t trust him.

In the past, I let myself down by allowing my ex-boyfriend to mistreat me for so long, but I will go out of my way to make sure this doesn’t happen to me again, or anyone that I really care about.

A mistake is not wasted if the lesson is learned, so I’m sharing mine with you.

I had to learn all of this through the hard way, and it took up 2 and a half of some of the best years of my life.

I only hope that this blog post would reach out to somebody out there who is in a similar situation as I was in and find that this post has helped them understand things a little better,

or have given them the slightest bit of inspiration to breaking free from an unhealthy relationship that’s causing more misery than it’s worth.

I’m giving you advice that I’m taking myself. We are all still young (unless you’re like, 50. hi mum) and we shouldn’t have to settle for less than what we can get.

We have the rest of our lives for commitment, but settling for an unhealthy relationship at a young age is just plain silly, silly, silly! No wonder my mum always told me I was sooooo naive and borderline delusional.

Don’t wait by the phone for the call that will never come, and stop giving someone who doesn’t deserve it a second chance.

It’s not called a second chance when it’s been said and done more than twice..

Stop trying to change that person – start by changing yourself!!!!!!

I leave you with lyrics from Warwick Avenue by Duffy.

For your convenience, I have embedded the video twice in this post because it’s an awesome song that makes the lyrics so easy to relate to.

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you won’t stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don’t think we’re okay just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I won’t shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you’re loving but I want to be free
Baby, you’ve hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell you baby that we’re through

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby, you’ve hurt me

All the days spent together, I wished for better
But I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started

All those days spent together when I wished for better
And I didn’t want the train to come

“I’m leaving you for the last time baby
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately

You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby, you’ve hurt me”

…Here’s to all the girls (and boys) who know exactly what the fuck I am talking about.

Fight for your own happiness because you deserve it.

  • zhen

    this post is timely for me. thanks alot girl, for voicing out everything that i have been feeling for the past 3 years.Being with a guy who is both emotionally and physically abusive has really taken the toll on me. Thanks for reminding me that Im the one who has been allowing myself to fall back into the same old situation, thank you for reminding me that the promises to change will never come.

  • Siah Shu Fen

    great post :)   really made me appreciate what I have with my bf now ^^

  • Jessica

    *hugs*

    The truth is sometimes hard to swallow, but they are always better than convenient lies. Sometimes I feel like I was lying to myself more than my ex-boyfriend was. I was cheating myself more than he cheated me..

    I assume you know what’s best for your own relationship and I’m glad this post helped you, even if it was just a little. I wish you all the best love, you be strong and brighter days lie ahead, just trust me. xxx

  • Jessica

    Thanks. It makes me appreciate my boyfriend too, but makes me dislike my ex even more!!! Roar.

  • lj

    Really great advice for girls out there. No one should be abused in any way. You have let many girls who read this post realize they are worth so much more. :)

  • Jessica

    Hopefully that is true!

  • GER(:

    Hey Jess. I know of your blog through my friend and I just have to say THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS POST! I’ve been through a relationship like this but I’ve moved on (thankfully) and i also have and know too many friends that are clinging on to a guy who has been abusing them emotionally. And even though everyone can see that he’s just using her, and advicing her to let go, she’s still clinging on because she believes it’s true love. :/ Hopefully, your post will help my friends that are this way and i just want to say KUDOS to you again! ^^

  • I-feel-you

    Hey girl!
    I totally agree with what you wrote! I’ve gone through this kind of r/s before. We broke and patch up for 1 million times. I always thought we could work things out but apparently things would always go back to square one. I broke this spell and happy with my own. I used to be affected by what he say emotionally, but now i dont (:

    Best wishes to you and sam (:

  • Jessica

    You’re more than welcome. I know of too many girls who are like that too, and I know it’s hard to break free cuz I’ve been in the exact situation… Many of us have. But cheers to moving on!

  • Jessica

    :) :) :)

  • Heyhey

    I know how you feel. Broke up with my boyfriend half a year ago but sadly, we’re in the same class so we see each other everyday. Sometimes it gets on my nerves and breaks my heart whenever I see him during class. Oh well, guess I’ve moved on and hopefully I’ll find a guy that is as good as your current boyfriend.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for this post. It’s really great :)

  • T

    well said! i went through the same thing, except i didn’t know he cheated on me for a whole year with this slut from school, and also went out/flirted with a few of my friends behind my back. but even after i found out, i still forgave him, i thought he’d change, which he didn’t, doh. i was devastated when i found out all these, time after time, and what would leave me crying myself to sleep initially became numbness in the end. by that time, he had really changed for the better, but it was too late. i became distant from him and the more i pulled away, the more he wanted from me, and i finally left him, saved my dignity and self-respect.

    i have started dating another man, similarly we are in a casual LDR too, not serious like you and sam. it’s something though, cos now i know i do deserve better (:

    i love such insightful posts from you! it somehow always seems like i can relate to them exactly!

  • Riley

    Reading this post brought tears to my eyes because i just got dumped by an ex 4 months ago and throughout the r/s I felt like I was the only one doing all the work and yet getting thrown aside in the end. it totally didn’t help that he didn’t have a fucking conscience and never once thanked me for anything (helping him get into a school, getting a job etc) and instead said he was busy whenever i wanted to meet because of the things i helped him achieve. He broke my heart really badly because it was my first relationship too. But i’m glad that you shared your experiences because I know someday soon I’ll be able to fully forget him and move on.

  • Kaylynn

    Hey, what you’ve written totally made sense to me. Thanks! :)

  • Dre

    Hi Jess, Your post definietly woke me up from my self denial crap, I’m currently in the situation you were in when you were with your ex, it hurts like crap and i cry myself to sleep every single day. He cheated on me numerous times. i forgave him. and right now, after 2 and a half years, he tells me i’m annoying whenevr i try to talk to him and he hardly ever calls me. He rather spend his time on games and talking to other girls, with your post, i can say with great confidence, i think i’m ready to let go, to stop living in denial.
    You know what jess, Thanks for your inspirational post. =)

  • Jessica

    :’) I’m really happy for you!!! You go girl~ Show him you’re better off without him.

  • Jessica

    You’re welcome dear :)

  • Jessica

    I know what it’s like to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t have a conscience. I know very very well and I feel you, girl!!! You can and WILL get over him, because some day you’re going to meet a guy who is a million times better than your ex and he will fill you up with so much love, you’d naturally move on because there’s better things to focus your thoughts on. ♥ xxx

  • Jessica

    Thank you. I get what you said about becoming numb… I eventually ditched my ex because I was too numb to feel any more love for him. I distanced myself before finally breaking free. 8-) Never looked back since, except to think about how stupid I was every now and then and come up with posts like this.

  • Jessica

    ^_________^

  • Jessica

    Wow, that must really suck, being in the same class as your ex-bf!!!!! >.<

  • ruiting

    awesome post.know what? i just got ditched last friday. and his reasons were because of his personal family and financial problems, until he dont have time for me. he even realise that sometimes he do loves me, yet sometimes he wonders if he still loves me. cried like fuck and i never knew i had so much tears. after all that i’ve think through, i realise that there is only 2 ways i can go for now.

    #1 forget him, and i will hate him eventually.
    #2 forgive him, and remain as friends.

    i am in the same elective class as him and i am wondering how to face him next week. i go out and everything that i see reminds me of him.

    he says he is only OKAY when i am really okay.

    i am really contradicting myself, because i dont wanna hate him, yet i know i have to forgive him. this really sucks man.

    it’s good that you’ve overcome this big hurdle and had became a better person. :]

  • Jessica

    If someone is ok, there is something seriously wrong with them. Even though I wanted to break up with my ex for over a year, when I finally did I was definitlely not ok. Stayed at home to cry for hours everyday, not eating much, not talking to anyone.. Went on for weeks.

    I suggest you avoid him. Don’t try to be strong when there’s no need to. Fuck him! There is no such thing about not being sure if you love someone, cuz if you do, it’s the only thing in this world you can be sure of.

    I don’t know how your relationship was, but if he broke up with you because he’s having a bad time, I suppose that’s moderately logical.. if he’s just a jerk, just forget him.

  • Danang

    well probably my first serious comment on this blog, jess thinks i dont care about her blog since i dont really show much interest or advertise that i read it but truth be told i read it everyday, i would like to put my continued support in writing i apologise for the billion gramatical and spelling errors beforehand. Jess despite what shes shows on her blog hasnt had an easy life she went through all that with her ex which i wont touch upon since shes pretty much summed it up but it isnt any less significant to me since her past directly effects my future, what has shaped and molded her influences me, i havent gone what she has gone through im still starting my first love, you know birds singing bright sunny days all that kinda stuff, so unconditional love is all i feel at the moment, why not, its how it is when you havent been hurt and lifes all fine and dandy, wow the most mindless prattle i have done to date, anyway what im trying to say in my own way is FUCKING WELL DONE JESS, your a strong beautiful intelligent girl dont let anyone tell you otherwise, im proud to breathe the same air as you let alone be your boyfriend hahahhaa still makes me laugh bloody shiberty cookies and milk

  • Thatsos

    hey, i’ve been reading your blog for a year or so, it’s always great to hear what you’re thinking(: if you don’t mind, could you share your story on http://www.thatsos.wordpress.com? it’s a new site, coming up to share ‘our songs’; the songs that remind us of events or people. your blog post really should be on it, it’s totally what we’re looking for(:

  • Anonymous

    agreed to the max

  • edelyn

    respect. thank you for the post.

  • Anonymous

    I have been reading your blog for 1 year plus and I must say Warwick Avenue is the best blog post you have ever written. Well done for taking the courage to break up with your ex-boyfriend! Life is definitely not a bed of roses but we can always try to make it better by learning from our mistakes.

  • Jessica

    Thank you!!! :-D

  • Jessica

     ♥

  • Sdy.

    Totally understand how you feel. Experienced it personally quite some time ago. & I know it’s hard to walk out of this situation. Well, stay strong girl!

  • rachel

    hello jessica! firstly, i totally agree with your post. i was in your past situation about 2 years ago. i was 16 and he was the same age as me. he didn’t know how to treat me well and i cried like i’ve never cried before in my life. that period was hell for me. crying the school’s toilet and all. i feel stupid thinking about the incident now. but thank God its over. well, its not really over because we still have a complicated relationship now. but this post has really inspired me to get out of this complicated relationship and to think of what i want for myself and that i should never settle for second best. all of us have the right to fight for our happiness (:

    thank you posting this. im sure many many girls have been inspired and have been driven to do smth about their lives.
    i wish you and sam all the very best! (:

  • Jessica

    Thanks dear! Omg I totally know what it’s like to hide in the school’s toilet to cry. Super pathetic -___- Sigh..

    But yes, cheers for better futures!!! :)

  • Kieran

    Thank you – this definately helped me a lot :)

  • V

    It is so weird, because your words are exactly the things I’d write in my diary a year ago, when I was constantly being cheated on and hurt. I told myself the exact same things you wrote, but yet, somehow.. I always ended up back in his arms again. Finally, I found the strength to push him away, to cut us off completely for 2 months. We started talking again, and he wanted to get back with me even though he had a gf. I hated that gf, bcos she broke us apart, and more than that, I wanted revenge on him – so I agreed. But when I did, I saw his change, he’s changed so much, and it’s been 6 months. Not one day have I felt a moment of heartache. He’s never let me down.

  • V

    It’s weird bcos I told myself, repeatedly, he is NOT the type of guy I want. I knew so well, that I clung on bcos I was inlove with what I wanted him to represent – what I WANTED him to be, not what he really was. I knew so clearly he was lying, but I was happy, more than happy, to believe them. I WANTED to believe them. And I remember, one night, when I realised I was never going to get anywhere, when I realised it was far too much, that I was TIRED of letting myself get trampled over… I thought about the guy I wanted. A guy who wouldn’t go for a girl, because she’s easier or a push over. A guy who could APPRECIATE the fact that I was real – I might be a bitch, but atleast, I am real – unlike his other girl who acted all innocent and sweet pea infront of him. A guy who knew everything about me – all my little, stupid habits. Someone who could do embarrassing things with me and laugh our hearts out. 2 months later, he became that guy. He became every single thing I fantasized about. I guess because in the 2 months, when I FINALLY stop letting myself be trampled over, he appreciated me. He learnt to respect me. He learnt not to take me forgranted – that i wouldn’t always be there. and I’m happy now.

    It’s so weird, bcos this post is like my entire diary compiled into one. You’re awesome, Jess.

  • Guest

    Hey Jessica, wow I think you are awesome to have put all that you’ve learnt and grown from from your past relationship into words. I admire you for being able to write so well! It amazes me how well you are able to express yourself and your ability to connect with people who have gone through similar experiences. I can relate to the bulk of what you have said in this post probably because I have gone through the same thing. Cheers! :)

  • Jessica

    Your comments are much too kind! I think writing emotions as real and raw as possible makes the post really easy to relate to ;)

  • anon

    at least you have gone through r/s before. unlike me :(

  • Jessica

    They say “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all” but I think this is not necessarily true when you encounter cheating, lying, manipulative and basically an all-rounded asshole for a first boyfriend. The wait is worth it for someone nice enough.