Only almost here

The past 2 nights have been the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

I used to say crying every once in awhile actually feels kinda good cuz it makes me feel alive… but I realized it’s when you can’t stop crying that you feel the most helpless.

I’m losing my patience with Sam, I’m becoming more confused and I’m falling out of place…

Perhaps being in a long-distance relationship has begun to take its toll on us. We’re a lucky couple, but it takes a lot to pretend that it’s not a tough relationship to maintain.

It’s hard when the person your life revolves around isn’t there with you all the time – he only drops by once every month. Despite the fact that once a month is considered pretty good for long-distance couples, sometimes I wonder if it’s good enough for me.

I’m not the sort of girl who needs to cling into her boyfriend every single day, but the nights do get stupidly lonely and just knowing that he’s a 8 hour plane flight away just makes it even worse.

I think being on Skype with each other every night was also a bad decision. It made me feel like he was sort of there with me every night… but in essence, not really.

With time, it began to feel like his “presence” didn’t even matter – because whether he was there or not, I felt lonely anyway.

I know I’ve said that he’s the only one who understands me, but sometimes even that special person has no idea what to say or what to do to make you feel better. I don’t know how to feel right now, I feel almost guilty for feeling the way I do because I know he loves me.

I know he’s such a sweetie, I know he tries but god damn it, is it really a crime to tell somebody you love that their best just isn’t enough anymore?

I’m sorry for the hurtful things I’ve said, I just feel that if I don’t put it in your face, you’ll never get it. I hate it when people don’t take me seriously.

They say action speaks louder than words, but I’m the sort of person who will remember every single word of every single conversation and I will always remember how your words made me feel.

I can try to pretend to forget mistakes, but no, they will be forever etched in my mind. I can forgive, but I never forget. And it’s fucked up, because I’ve been this way ever since I’ve been cheated by my ex-boyfriend again and again.

I know it’s not your fault I had a bad experience with my ex-boyfriend and that I’m in a new relationship – but you don’t know that who I am today is directly related to who I was. Behind every strong girl is an asshole who made her that way.

It was my first relationship, and I gave it my all like every first love would but it all came crashing down me. It’s so hard to trust someone fully with all your heart again.

But I trusted you. I really did. You just disappointed me.

Time and time again…

You may think it’s just a simple mistake – but to me, it’s a mistake that I’ve been through and over with a thousand times, a mistake that I shouldn’t have to experience again. I warned you. I told you never to.

You’re so different now, like an empty shell. Where has the boy I fell in love with gone? I’ll probably never know.

I’m tired of and refuse to take bullshit from people, even my boyfriend. I expect the same out of people that I can expect out of myself, but I’m starting to realize perhaps not everybody seeks perfection.

I don’t know how long more I can keep this up.. It’s almost as if everyday, I’m living a lie. I feel like the person I fell in love with 9 months ago has suddenly disappeared. I miss the way you made me feel, the way your love filled me up inside and the truth is, I miss you.

You’re not the same, we’re not the same.

The signs were there, ever since our Orlando trip I know that things have been changing but I never knew that it would become so bad so quickly.

I probably seem like an asshole, but I respect you enough to tell you the truth of how I’m feeling. You try, but you don’t try hard enough.

And if you think that this is your best, then perhaps we weren’t as good together as we thought.

I’m a young girl, I am but only 18, I have my whole life ahead of me for settling with boring commitments but at this age, I shouldn’t have to feel lonely and empty and restricted and I should never have to settle for second best. Is it really too much to ask for?

Ending this entry here because all this jibberish ranting isn’t making me feel any better and there’s no point anyway.

He’s on a plane to see me right now, because I know that if we don’t work things out soon, everything will end here.. He’s landing in about 3 hours, which should give me enough time to study for my exam tomorrow.

Public Relations. Yuck.

And I thought my days couldn’t get much worse.

To complement my disgustingly emo post, here’s a beautiful song that I always wished didn’t relate to me so much.

Did I hear you right?
‘Cause I thought you said
Let’s think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don’t let go on us tonight
Love’s not always black and white
Haven’t I always loved you?

But when I need you
You’re almost here
And I know that’s
Not enough
But when I’m with you
I’m close to tears
‘Cause you’re only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won’t you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven’t I always loved you

But when I need you
You’re almost here
And I know that’s
Not enough
But when I’m with you
I’m close to tears


‘Cause you’re only almost here.

  • Siah Shu Fen

    I’m in my 1st relationship now. Honestly, I think you’re a very lucky girl. Perhaps it only seems so based on your blog, but I’ve always envied that you have such sweet bfs. My bf is rather boring and he says tt’s the best he can give, but at least I know he loves me. :)

    I don’t really know what you’re troubled about, I can only guess. From your post, it seems like everything is about you, and what he has failed to give you. Maybe you can try thinking about what you have given him, and what more can you give him.

    I’m no expert, this is just from my personal experience but if it sounds like crap to you then it probably is. Just treat it as gibberish from a clueless outsider. ^^

    All the best~

  • sarah

    he’s flying 8 hours JUST to see and talk to you!.. you guys are GREAT together!! hold on jess!!

  • snowy

    i think every relationship takes 2 hands to clap.Don’t give up so easily babe..Think of the times that both of u have gone through..maintaining a long-dist relationship is hard,but as long as u and him try your best,everything will work out.Jiayou=)

  • amelia

    Hi Jess! 

    I don’t mean to give any lecture or anything here. Just wanna share a bit of my relationship with you :)

    I am having a LDR as well, and it’s been 3.5 years now. I guess you can consider yourself very lucky to be able to meet with Sam once every month. I meet up with my boyfriend once every few months (usually 6 months), and there was once we didn’t even meet for almost a year! :(
    now we are only 5 hours bus ride away, or..er…45 mins plane ride. LOL. And yes, of course there were problems, lots of them. It took quite a long of time to settled them all, and problems will always arise in a relationship, so hold on there Jess! :D
    It’s not easy, but I know you can, and I hope Sam can do too :)  you guys look really good together :)

  • Jo

    nobody will understand the pain that comes with ldr unless they’ve experienced it themselves.. no amount of skype, online gestures, fancy gifts, quality time together like watching movies online together.. no amount of that will ever replace the warmth and love that comes with physical presence.. the way you’d understand each other without needing to say a word.. the way sometimes you’re just emotional and don’t want to talk or stare into a computer screen and just need a hug..

    you can have all the love in the world.. and ldr will still be difficult.. i have the best boyfriend who until today still tries and tries to do everything that makes the distance less painful.. we were together for 3 years before he left last year to the US to study.. the 12 hour time difference kills me and i start resenting him because while he seemed to always be there through skype and texts.. but he never really is.. nothing can replace his presence.. when it’s 12am for him and i’m sleeping until noon, he’d be chatty while i’d be grouchy, and vice versa.. it’s so difficult to find a right time and it no longer comes naturally, we had to TRY to make this work and it feels so foreign..

    i’m struggling in my ldr because i feel like nothing will ever be enough, and the best of us have been ruined.. we were no longer happy just being with each other, for absolutely nothing.. it became almost like a chore to maintain the ldr.. i had to stay up later, he had to wake up earlier.. i hate it.. it’s getting to the point where i don’t give a shit what he does because i’m so angry that it’s always going to feel so empty without him here with me..

    i’ve become this demanding, sad, lonely girl.. which i never was before.. i am attention seeking, i am petty, i am always angry.. i hate who i’ve become..

    hang in there babe.. i know it feels lonely.. but ldr requires a lot of effort from the both of you.. i’m sorry this comment got so long.. just know that us ldr people know what you’re going through.. it’s tough even if you love him and you know he loves you back.. it always is.. be strong :)

  • Anonymous

    Seriously, stop thinking about yourself and how you feel. try to think about how he feels as well! for goodness sake, he went to singapore every at least ONCE IN A MONTH, do you know how much effort has he put in the relationship? the risk of dying if the plane crashes, the price he has to pay out of his hard earned money, the energy that is spent during the trip when he can actually use the energy to earn more money or to WOOOO other HOTTER and LESS DEMANDING girls?? think and STOP feeling! feeling gets you no where! be less selfish.

  • Jessica

    The risk of dying if the plane crashes… lolol

  • Jessica

    Awwww I can so relate with you and everything you’ve said :( It does feel foreign and forced at times when we’re apart. Sometimes I get so petty and I am always angry nowadays. LDR really does funny things to you doesn’t it. As long as it all pays off in the end ♥ We’re all in this together, LDR people! You take care sweetie. Thank you for making me feel better. I hope things get better for you really soon. Love

  • Jessica

    Thank you dear :)

  • Jessica

    Thank you sweetie.. Things are already better now that he’s in front of me! I’m just being extra emo nowadays because I miss him a little too much and perhaps I’ve briefly forgotten how to love someone unconditionally.

  • Jessica

    :’)

  • Jessica

    Well of course this post will be everything about me, it is my blog after all. I haven’t let him down and I’m not going to deny the fact that besides being quite PMS-y sometimes, I’ve been the best girlfriend to him as I could. I’ve never intentionally lied to him while knowing he would get hurt, I’ve never done some childish things he has… I’ve given my all. I have really tried. And if that’s not good enough, then it just isn’t. But after all that has been said and done, I still appreciate my boyfriend heaps. We’re just going through a rough patch.

  • Stefanie

    Sam has to go to school right?

    Why not you try to fly to Aussie every month then?  See how that takes you.

  • Jo

    you hang in there too dear :) it’s a rough patch and we all have to get through it.. these phases come and go.. there are days when i wake up and the first thing i wanna do is see my boyfriends face and he makes me laugh so hard through skype.. there are days when i just hate that all i have is skype and think everything he does is annoying, not funny..but the current phase i’m in is just lasting a little longer than i think it’s supposed to..

    don’t ever feel bad for wanting what you want in a relationship.. if you’re not allowed to be 100% happy, then why be in a relationship at all? no one’s forcing you so why settle for ‘just ok’ when you know you guys can be so great together? and you and sam can be amazing together :) just hold on to this and work this out.. and if you know any secret potion that makes this feeling less crappy, please share it with me lol

  • Jessica

    LOL. Sam doesn’t go to school, you idiot, he’s working and his work grants him 1 week off every month to come and see me. Fuck off, ignorant and spiteful pricks.

  • Jessica

    Oh I so know what you’re talking about hun, I just want to give you a big hug right now. I have no idea how to make it better for now, I’m still new to this and find it hard to deal with but you can always add me to MSN or talk to me here if you want someone who can understand to talk to. ♥

  • (:

    HEY JESS! :D
    Hang on there! ((: hope everything between you and sam would be fine! =)

  • Jessica

    Thank you!!! We’re a lot better now :)

  • jaywen

    Hey Jess. What do you use to edit your photos and what camera do you use? Amazing blog you’ve got. You’re awesome! :)

  • babee

    what sch and course are you in?

  • babybaby

    i can totally understand how u r feelin now cos i have been thru that… my bf and me have lived apart for more than 1 yr before meeting… jus like u.. we met online… its tough… but we made it… we are into the 3rd yr of our relationship and he is here with me now… u need lots of patience and understanding… but i m jus saying from my point of view…. i dunno exactly the situation that u r in cos i m sure ther are a lot of thing that we readers dunno… but all i wanna say is if u really love him… hold on and try to get together (like u going to Australia to study) so that it will all be easier….anyway wish u all the best and be happy… =]

  • Jods

    I’ve spent countless nights crying to sleep because of LDR. Its been 4months away from each other already and when I’m down and out, I tell myself to ‘suck it up’ because if I dont things will naturally fall out of place and I know that there will be no amount of time spent after that would be enough to cover that ‘scar’. I give myself 2 choices and only those 2, ‘suck it up’ or end it.  Its just rough patch, dont lengthen that patch if you treasure this relationship and want it to last! I bet there are more happy times then sad ones, keep thinking of the happy ones to fuel you on!  =]

    Keep your hopes high and I know you’ll make a wise decision! Best of luck honey! ;)

  • Jessica

    Oh gee 4 months is awfully long :( I suppose my LDR isn’t as serious as other people and I don’t know how you guys go through with it! If that’s not love and determination, I don’t know what else is. LDR is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.. And yeah, we either suck it up or end it, truthfully. Kinda sucks but if it wasn’t worth our time, we wouldn’t be doing it anyway.

    I’ll keep trying to remain as positive as possible, thanks for the encouragement! :*

  • Jessica

    I really appreciate all the encouragement you guys have shown :) Thank you!!! I admire you girls for your passion and determination! I mean, people say LDR is hard but they REALLY don’t know how hard it is exactly until they’re feeling depressingly lonely in an empty room at night and it’s been forever since you’ve seen your partner. Well whatever it is, I’m not giving up just yet, I just slipped a little but that’s okay, we’re okay now :)

  • Jessica

    Mass Comm in MDIS

  • Jessica

    Haha “you’re awesome!” is like the most straightforward compliment ever. Makes me blush a little cuz I dunno how to react :-[ I use two cameras by Canon, the Powershot E1 and D10!

  • loyal reader!

    Please cheer up! i have been reading your blog for a long time and i love your posts ! cheer up and be happy ~ you’re going to last long with Sam!

  • Jessica

    Thank you soooo much doll, I do feel better when reading such encouraging comments :’)

  • jaywen

    Haha. Noproblemo Jess. Thank you for the info. :D

  • :D

    hey jessica (:

    i’ve been in a LDR with my boyfriend for about 10 months now, and since then we’ve probably only spent like 2 months together as a couple, lol the rest was on skype. and i guess what was worst was we only got together 3 days before he left to pursue his studies. so perhaps i didn’t really know him as well them.. and now it’s like i realize how different we both are sometimes.

    i felt really empty and lonely for most of the time.. and talking to him on skype didn’t make it any better. i mean we don’t do things together, and it ended up that we always have nothing much to talk about which always led to arguments. even now, sometimes i feel like skpying with him is a chore. like there is no point in doing it because we are doing it for the sake of it and not because we really really want to see one another (or maybe that’s the case for me and not for him). 

    but then i know he is a great and wonderful guy, and if i ever let go of him, i probably won’t find another guy like him ever again. and that is what sam is to you right now, isn’t it? the time spent together may be short, but because the memories you guys have with one another aren’t as many as those other “normal” couples have, that’s why you have to hold on to them and appreciate them more. and that’s what i’m trying to do now, to remember the good times we had which were really wonderful and not harp on the bad times, which aren’t as bad as they seem to be. i guess that’s what LDR does – it makes you forget the good things.

    this is just a phase that every couple in a LDR goes through. so don’t give up just yet (: things will become better if you make it better.

    all the best :D

  • lyn

    I know this is a late comment but I hope things are all better for you now. Do hang in there! Both of you seem amazing together and you look genuinely happy when you’re with him, so I hope everything works out for both of you. 

    Sometimes even the strongest relationship will take it toll with distance.I haven’t seen my guy for 5 months and counting. So once a month is seems pretty awesome lol. But I totally get how horrible the distance can make you feel. LDR has a way of making people a little crazier than they are.. I never been so emotional and crazy lol. i’d like to think that if the person is going to end up as the person you’d be with for the rest of your life, a couple of years should mean nothing in comparison though I guess we all know that the nights get painfully long and lonely.:/

    I do hope you guys work things out and that you feel better! :)

  • eL

    It’s never easy to be in a r/s regardless of the distance.
    God places you in this r/s to help you learn and knows better about your partner.
    Love is patience.
    kudos to you and Sam :)

  • Jessica

    :)

  • Jessica

    We are much better, for now at least.. cuz he’s here. Thank you for your kind words babe :)

  • Jessica

    I never knew so many girls went through this “phase”! Makes me feel a little less crazy, because sometimes I do feel like a nutcase. LDR screws with your head!!! TYTYTY you guys are soooo sweet!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

  • st

    hi jess, aftering reading it, oh my! im getting all nervous right now as my boyf will be going ns soon. the worst fit to add on will be going to further his studies overseas. im really feeling empty like now already?! :(

  • Jessica

    I won’t deny that it’s going to be really, really hard sweetie.. but if you really wanted to, you guys could work it out somehow. It’s always about how much you want it!

  • xi

    r/s alone is a hard ting to maintain ,
    let alone ldr , if u feel there is someting in dere
    fight for it :)  
    jiayou for yr studies as well

    anyway it is fate that u 2 come across each other path thou internet
    n i tink u 2 r a sweet couple 2gther

  • Jessica

    TY!!!

  • Faith

    *hug*

    i can understand how you feel.. my first relationship didnt go well, even though i gave my all, and people always believe the relationship is almost perfect. ha. yet, all the problems are hidden well behind the smiles. ha. i believe he and i can overcome everything if he and i really have a serious heart-to-heart talk and face everything together again.. i am still waiting for him..

    *hug* you’ve been strong..  sam has been strong too..

    love can take the two of you far when both of you continue to endure. it is really hard to have someone who knows who you really are, understand your thoughts, feel how you feel..

    gambatte..

  • Jessica

    :’)

    ♥ ♥ ♥

  • mj

    hey i was reading through the past comments and i saw your reply to one of the comments saying sam gets a week off to see you every month!!
    i mean what a super job he has!! if you were working in sg and had to fly over.. man you only have 14 days leave!!

  • Jessica

    HAHAHA working life in SG is so bloody tragic, I swear. That’s probably the main reason why I would never consider living permanently in Singapore. The difference between SG and Aussie workers is that Aussies actually have a life after work, which ends before evening. That’s what my mum’s boyfriend always tells me (he’s an Aussie too)

  • mj

    <span>haha its true!! my bf went there for hols and he said they have time to jog before work and ends work at like 5!!! im like no wayyyy!! 
    but does everyone in his coy /firm/lab have a week off or does he have special permission? does he like have to put in extra hours the other 3 weeks? 
     
    anyway i think you just have to hang in there till you grad and then you’re outta here lollll</span>

  • Jessica

    Hahaha yeah I heard that many people who live near the coastline actually love to surf before going to work! Wtf!!! He has special permission, and he does put in more effort to make up for it :)

  • mj

    i think you’re really lucky!! in terms of your bfs work situation and stuff.. everyone has ups and downs.. without the downs.. the ups wouldn’t seem so up anymore! so just be happy :)