We Are The World

Seeing as I don’t know what pictures to post to suit this entry, I’m just going to upload a random picture of me that’s not necessarily related to this post at all.

I just came back from school, and instead of attending a lesson we actually had singing auditions! It was for some music video my school was going to film and they were looking for talents. It’s compulsory if you want your attendance marked (my school is SUPER uptight about attendance) so everyone had to go through it.

It was quite a unique experience, there was excitement in the air as it buzzed with giggles and nervousness of students who had mixed feelings about the impromptu idea of auditioning your voice in front of everyone as they just stood there, all ready to objectify you and to judge whether you have talent or not.

I was nervous too. I mean, you don’t just reach school feeling all lazy and reluctant and suddenly you’re told to sing in front of a crowd. I don’t know why I get stage fright, since I reckon I sing and speak pretty well but I suppose I’m always afraid of screwing up. I’m the sort of person who kicks myself again and again over situations whereby I felt I could have done better. If people were present to judge me and to remember it, even worse.

Turns out all that worrying was for nothing.

Surprisingly, or to be truthful not that surprisingly, I got picked for a role and it looks like I’ve accidentally signed up to be part of some “We Are The World” music video my school is going to produce soon. It’s a good thing though, for the first time ever I feel like I’m actually participating in a school-related activity, even if it’s just for some video.

I’ve never been one to be active in school, be it participating in lessons or mixing around with friends. I try to skip as much of it as I can.

I bumped into an old classmate at the recording studio, and we got talking. He told me that my old class missed me when I was gone. (I switched class) I told him not to lie and he had to convince me he’s not. It’s nice to hear something like that from a person whom you thought didn’t care about your existence, even if it was said only to make you feel better.

Somehow, we ended up discussing “class politics” and I said I don’t know very much about it since I distance myself from everyone.

He said, “I can see that”

There’s something about the look in his eyes when he said that sentence made me wonder what kind of person other people think I am. Most of the time I really don’t give two hoots, but I won’t deny that at times I do get curious. Sometimes I feel regretful that I don’t try to socialize very much with people at school, because it’s heartwarming to see how close classmates can be but ever since high school, I’ve shut myself out from people around me.

Sometimes I envy people who have a thousand and one friends, because most of the time I feel like I have none. Sometimes I wish I could open up to people more, and try to find some good in them that would make me want to put in effort to be friends with them. Sometimes I feel lonely, and I feel like I’ve got no one to hang out with. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.

But as time passed, I realized that I am nothing like everyone else. Not implying that I am better than them in any way, but I just feel different. I am different. We are all different. And I don’t want to try and fit in with the crowd.

I cannot go up to someone and smile at them and strike up a conversation just because they’re my classmate. I’m not the sort of people who is friends with everyone.

I find it pointless to have small talk with people I honestly don’t really care about. I know that the only reason why I am talking to them is because they are convenient conversations. They are people who happen to be stuck in the same classroom with me at school.

Sadly, they are nothing more than that and my assumptions are only proven right when holidays come and I realize I don’t make any effort in staying in contact with them after lessons have ended.

I only want to be friends with someone whom I’m not making use of / someone who’s not making use of me, someone who is not convenient but I would go out of my way just to be in touch with and someone whom I feel can add positive meaning to my life. Someone whose company I actually enjoy.

And I think I’ve realized just how hard it is to find that special someone.

I know I’m expecting a lot out of just a friend, you don’t have to remind me. It’s the reason I have so little. I think the ones that I do have, I can count with my fingers on one hand.

I can get along with people just fine, but I find it so hard to like someone enough to want to get to know them better, to feel like they are worth my time. I don’t know if this may come across as being snobbish, but trust me, I wish things wouldn’t have to be this way too.

I suppose I don’t give people a chance, that’s why I don’t get any either.

Being the way I am has forced me to become comfortable with being alone. I used to be afraid of loneliness, but then I realized it really isn’t all that bad after all.

It means not having to suck up to anybody I don’t particularly like. And that’s something I find very appealing about being alone. I get to do things my way, whenever I want, however I want. Most of the time I find that people are more trouble than they are worth.

Being alone doesn’t mean I don’t have anybody to talk to. The only people I want to talk to, I make damn sure I have plenty of contact with them, like Sam and family. The rest of them, I tend to forget about their existence, as they do with mine.

Sometimes I feel quite surprised that I have a fairly significant amount of blog readers. Because most of the time, the things I say in my blog are things people can’t be bothered listening to in real life. It makes me wonder if there really are people out there who care about the littlest things I do or say, that makes them want to read about it constantly on a website that’s poorly named “Underage-Girl”

I understand that one of the reasons I distance myself from people is because I feel like my opinions can’t be accepted, and we’re just not on the same level. The things that I find interesting, they find boring and vice versa. We don’t laugh at the same jokes, we don’t enjoy the same activities and most importantly, I’m afraid to offend people.

When I talk to people, I always find it to be a huge battle between the person I want to be and the person people would like me to be. A few years ago, some friends whom I used to be really close with called me a hypocrite because they said that I’m different from who I am in real life and on my blog.

I wanted to cry out to them, to let them know that who I truly am is what I am on my blog and even though they were my best friends, I just couldn’t be who I really was. For that, I felt like they never forgave me and ever since then I’ve distanced myself from people.

I told myself that if my true opinions are so easily disregarded or not welcome, then perhaps I shall give no opinions at all. It’s all, or nothing.

Till this day, I enjoy living in my little bubble filled with just my boyfriend and my family. Surround myself with only the things I love. I offend much less people this way, and I get to be 100% who I’d love to be. Say the things I wanna say, do the things I wanna do.

No more impressing other people or badmouthing them. No more insignificant conversations and no more having to keep up with other people’s affairs. Once in awhile, a friend comes to talk to me and I’m glad to be reminded that I still have people I’m happy to call “friends” out there. The fewer, the better – that just goes to show how important they are to me.

I’m not saying that every single person out there isn’t worth my time. In some cases, I have tried opening up to people I like but it looks like I’m not worth theirs.

Maybe one day I can bring myself to appreciate the beauty in other people. Find that there’s much more to them I didn’t know about. To stop being so quick to judge them.

But for now, I just like focusing all my attention on myself and the people close to my heart. As self-centered as it sounds, I like who I have become. I love the fact that I have no doubts about my opinions, no fears for standing up for myself because I owe nobody nothing. This way, I never have to apologize for being the way I am.

I love not having to answer to anyone for my actions. I never have to give a reason for what or when or why I do.

Maybe this explains why in recent times I only blog about Sam and Jess, Jess and Sam. I feel like he is the only one in this world who truly appreciates me. He accepts my flaws, my personality, my opinions and everything that comes along with it. I try to accept his, too.

In the future, if I am fortunate enough to find that special person I can call my best friend, I’ll be sure to let you guys know.

  • Anonymous

    you see jess that is why it is so hard for you to leave a bad r/s, cuz thats the only r/s you’ve got.

  • Anonymous

    outta curiosity tho, who is gonna b the bridesmaid at ur wedding?

    btw aft reading this post i think some of ur frens might take offence, if any of my friends posted this post i’d call them up n give em 3 earfuls.

  • Anonymous

    Hey girl.. you are not alone. I am like that too. Its just my bf and family and no one else. I do have some ‘close’ friends but like you, I can only count with one hand and even so, they aren’t really as close as those BFF’s u see on the TV.

    But I’m still happy this way :)  I don’t really trust friends since a bunch of them got behind my back and said terrible things. Being alone is good! I’m happy that you acknowledge it with confidence!

  • Jessica

    Nice to know that whatever situation you are in, there will always be someone out there to empathize with you :)

  • Jessica

    Eh? I don’t even know when / if I’ll get married, why think so far? o_O

    And I have no “friends” that will take offence. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter won’t mind.

  • Jessica

    As much as I hate to admit it, that’s probably the reason why I couldn’t break up with my ex after so long of being mistreated. I shut everyone out and let him in, but he betrayed me.

    That’s okay though, I’ve learnt a lot from the experience and being in that relationship contributed a huge part to me being who I am today. And I found myself a much better guy, so it’s all good. :)

  • guest

    you go!

  • t

    hello i’m back! don’t know if you remember me but i left a comment sometime back. i must say that i’m making an exception here, for some weird reason i break all my rules about not commenting. i generally feel that it seems very stalker-y to comment on the lives of people i don’t personally know. but well, since i keep coming back to read might as well give my 2cents aye? haha anyway this comment isn’t about me but about you. i’m a bit older than you are and i can see where you’re coming from and where you’re at now. perhaps being in school and all, it’s just tougher for you to meet like-minded people. the way i see it, you’re in a relationship with an older guy and you seem to have your life pretty much figured out for now. sometimes people your age or even older just don’t have that sort of stability and therefore end up as flaky friends. think it’s quite a natural stage of life and it’s good that you see yourself so clearly. you’re incredibly sensitive and mature for someone your age and i don’t think having a few select close friends is a problem at all. in fact, you’re luckier than someone who has 1001 acquaintances and no friends no?

    oh dear this somehow ended up to be some long ass comment again. you don’t have to publish it or say anything nice in reply cos i know how tedious it can get. i’m sure if you had the patience to read till the end of this comment, you know exactly why i’m writing this! i’ll comment again soon i’m sure and you don’t have to say ‘oh please do’ cos i’m a reader and you’re flattered. but it’ll be nice to know if you do (:

  • Jessica

    Lol I’m assuming that means “you go girl!” but I’m not even sure if that’s what you meant.

  • Jessica

    Thank you, your comment was so comforting. At times, I feel like nothing short of a freak, especially when I forget that I don’t have to fit in but it’s nice to have people remind you every once in awhile that being different is okay. (and by people, I mean someone other than my mother / bf)

    The same theory you mentioned about me being more “mature and stable” than my peers has crossed my mind many times before, but I never dared to truly consider it seriously because it sounds a lot less sane coming from myself. But yes, it is always a pleasure to read your comments and I’d love it if you would drop a message more often every now and then.

    Take care :)

  • xiaozhu

    Well written post.

    As long as you are comfortable in your current situation and felt that you are already on top of the world, why bother what other people have to say about you?

    I say, live the life your own way, instead of trying to be someone you are not.

    We are likeminded. I do not have many friends too. To be really frank, I got like 2 friends and we seldom meet due to work and school schedule. But it doesnt matter. We still have each other in our mind. =p

    Who cares about the rest if we dont care? LOL.

  • Fion

    I appreciate this post coz it seems like some1 has jus helped me to phrase out my thoughts n Im glad to know this side of u as a reader :)

  • Jessica

    While I may not really be on top of the world all the time, I’d say I’m more than happy with my current position :-P

  • Jessica

    Aww I’m glad you could relate to it as well! :-[

  • Faith

    =) I shared the same sentiment too. I don’t really befriend with everyone, too. Sometimes I doubt they can understand how I feel, even though they said I am their good friend. ha.

    I’m really glad you have someone better as your bf. =) 

    *hug*

  • G

    dear jess, you are not alone. i am in the same situation as you and i would say, i totally agree of what u have mentioned in your post. to cut my wordings to be short and sweet, being lonely is gd.

  • reader

    Wow. I felt like you were talking about me. I try to distance myself too, it’s pretty redundant to make small talk just because you are “forced” to by society’s expectations.

  • Jessica

    It’s always surprising to know how many people out there are in similar situations which I thought I was alone in =-O

  • Jessica

    Aww, I don’t think being alone is necessarily good but it’s better to be alone than going around kissing peoples asses, fo shure :) Just surround yourself only with people you really really like!

  • Jessica

    Aww thank you love! Friends or people around us may not understand, but there’ll always be someone, somewhere out there who knows exactly how we feel and I hope you can take comfort in knowing that fact :*

  • lynn

    hey jess, just wanted to say thanks to you, because your post let me know that i’m not such a freak after all! i dont have too much friends too, definitely less than 5. and yea, i totally agree with you about the difference between classmates and close friends. but guess i’m not strong like you. sometimes, the loneliness does overwhelm me.

    similar to you, i’m absolutely scared of butterflies and moths and yes, i do think that they can feel ppl’s fear! it’s horrible when like butterflies fly towards me and i would think that they purposely swop down towards me! good gracious. they must be an evil reincarnation of some monsters. yucks.

    anyway, stay pretty! and thanks for writing this enriching and lovely post..
    i’m glad i could relate what i feel to you =)

    loves
    lynn

  • Anonymous

    jess organize a who wants to be jessica’s bff competition!

  • Anonymous

    normally that statement makes sense but in this case i think it is only those who matter will mind. eg if sam posted on his blog “i don’t need anyone in the world, i am perfectly fine by myself” do u think a random passerby will mind? course not. but will you mind? course you will.

  • Jessica

    Hi sweetie, you’re more than welcome.. it seems like we’ve many things in common! 8-) As for the evil butterflies past, I think that’s what we’ll become after we die, if we’re not good enough to go to heaven. Bah!!!

    Anyway, don’t worry, you’re not a freak. ♥ At least, not any more than I am :-P

  • Jessica

    I LOL-ed at that idea. >:o

  • Jessica

    On the contrary, Sam knows me well enough to understand exactly what I’m saying in the post. He actually told me he was touched by reading the post and said it was nice to know how special he is to me.

    If they’re going to mind something as simple as this blog entry, then we could never, ever be friends because I can only be friends with someone who allows me to speak my mind. Hence the statement.

  • NICOLE.

    Wow. I loved the way you phrased your thoughts out so beautifully.

    And I understand how it’s like having such few friends that you’re able to trust. Because the same thing is going with me too.
    For me, I find it ridiculous to try so hard to fit in, and to have to keep up with the pretense all the time. It’s just not…me. In my class, we’ve a friggin’ clique system. But I’m cool with just sitting in the corner and watching the daily ongoings in class.

    Life is so much simpler like that. Why complicate it up with more drama right? :D

    Anyway, I’m glad I read this post of yours. It really spoke to me, knowing that I’m not the only one out there facing all these as well.

    Being different is a good thing, because I believe that everyone of us is unique. It’s just up to us to decide if we want to live up to that.

    Cheers, always your reader :)

  • Jessica

    Thank you. ♥ And yes, drama is indeed much too overrated. I think people forgot how nice life is to live simply. I like sitting in a corner and watching people do their things too.

    Don’t worry, every class has a clique system but that doesn’t mean we have to be a part of it. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable :)

  • jessmiex

    i’m just like you.i guess ppl we know have different maturity level.i only have a few close friends,my boyfriend & my family.it’s relieving to know that i’m not the only one like that.

  • Anonymous

    all i’m gonna do is agree to disagree with you. cheers!

  • Anonymous

    so is that a yes? ;)

  • reader

    hi! perhaps you dont believe it, i totally experienced everything you’ve gone through. Yea sometimes, i feel like i have no friend. it’s just like you have something bottled up and you really wanna find someone but you realised you cant find anyone. this person would probably give negative comments, this person wont really care etc. in the end i chose not to be open with my feelings. i dont know why im telling you this but. thanks for this blogpost! i havent been able to handle all these ‘loneliness’ all by myself. but cos of your experience, i’ll learn to let go. and i’ll try. i’ll learn to be strong like you :D  thank you for sharing your experience. i hope you’ll be even happier! whops hope you understand what i wrote :/

  • Ethel

    Hello. I’m like on the same boat as you too. I’m in poly, year 1 currently. I just don’t know how to socialize around with my new classmates. I only speak to my team members. I feel like I’m so anti-social. I’m used to feeling lonely because I used to be outcasted in sec sch. Now in my poly, i wished i could open up myself to my new classmates but it seems tough for me..

  • Jessica

    I think we’re kinda different. I’m not “lonely”, because I still talk to quite a few of my classmates everyday but I generally feel “alone”. It’s one thing to be completely outcasted and another to feel alone because you’re emo like that, lol. I think it’s also coupled with the fact that I switched class, so I feel very distant from my new classmates, and I miss my old ones a lot more. I could connect with them heap better.

    Don’t worry, just talk to more people if you think they’re nice enough, you’d be surprised at how warm some supposed strangers can be :)

  • Jessica

    I know, huh. Sometimes you want to share your experiences with someone, but just knowing that they definitely won’t understand already makes you feel like giving up the idea. I’m sure there’s someone out there for all of us, even as a friend (not just a soul mate lover kinda thing)

    I have a few close friends I hold dear and can talk to them about anything. You just have to realize they might not be your everyday friends, or people you talk to often *hugs*

    But even after a year of not seeing each other, you’d realize nothing has changed since the last joke you guys shared!

  • Jessica

    No la!!! Nobody will join! It’s such a silly idea. :-[

  • Anonymous

    ppl will sure join lor! (your condo *ahem* i mean ur friendship is very attractive) just create a little form, see the applicants and see if u wanna go thru with it. use google forms. damn easy.

  • Jessica

    Hahahah maybe next time when I’m really REALLY damn lonely k?

  • Guest

    oh dear! I’m in the exact same position as you are and went through the ‘chums dumped me’ procedure too. So i get uptight about letting anyone near me again. But I’ve yet found the things/people to be in that little bubble of mine. My close friends has a best friend and also a group of chums so it feels like I’m that someone ‘extra’. Its like never meeting the ‘right group’ of people. It feels as though you’re writing my thoughts out. Life goes on so I try to ‘Live it Love it’.

  • (:

    I gave up friends for a guy. Thinking that he will be there for me whenever i am low. End up, he left. Friends from the past came back. They rocks m/ ^^. But sometimes my heart feel empty, very lonely.

  • Jessica

    I suppose that’s the problem with friends. They’re a great addition to your life, but more often than not they don’t fill you up inside. At least, not like how a good boyfriend does. That’s why I’ll always choose my bf over friends :)

  • Xx

    I can really relate to this post! I feel the same way, towards random strangers, random classmates that I have to meet everyday. I can get along with most people around me, but its very tiring to have to initiate conversations with them, I dont know why but maybe it’s because I am afraid of getting judge? so I’ll just shut them all out and our conversations is purely school work and nothing else because it’s easier this way.

    So, I hung out more with my bf and my family. but having great friends is something different! and it’s things that families and our significant partner couldnt give. Now that I’ve reached the end of my school life, I regretted not opening up and making more friends! Because there’s actually genuine people around! 

    Like you, I had always think that its very hard to find that special someone that is worthwhile, but by building up a wall and shutting others out. We would never find them. Give others a chance and some time to get to know them and maybe you could find something thats worth staying on! Its okay to be different because we are all different in a way or another. We dont have to spend our life letting others telling you how sane or insane, right or wrong you are, when you are not fitting in the crowd. Past experiences with friendship might be bad, but bad things fall apart to make space for better stuff coming your way, right? heeee.

    Cheerssssss! :)  

  • Jessica

    I’m not afraid of being judged, since I know everyone is judged all the time.. Me, you, and the rest of the world. I believe that family and loved ones offer much more than friends can give, but that’s just me. If I meet a friend who will give her/his life for me, perhaps I’ll change my mind. :)

    I think I’m more afraid of me judging people, than them judging me. Some may take my opinions the wrong way. I don’t want to rub a genuinely nice person the wrong way.

    When I meet someone worthwhile, I’ll let him / her in… Until then, I prefer keeping unwanted people at bay.

    Cheers~

  • Anonymous

    get a blog dude, just vent it all out there.

  • Anonymous

    hey jess when girls enter a r/s are they thinking bout like really long term marriage and all or are they thinking hmmm i’ll see how long this lasts?

  • Jessica

    I can’t speak for every girl, I’m sure each individual has their different needs and wants. When I enter a relationship, I definitely don’t think about marriage first… I think to myself, “hmm how much do I like this guy? what can he offer me? will I consider moving in with him?” and of course most importantly – “Do I love him?”

  • Jessica

    Indeed, a blog is a perfect solution for expressive people who can’t find the right listening ear. But a website can’t replace an empathizing human being who can give you a hug when you really need it.

  • light

    I used to think the same way as you do. but my relationship with my family eventually turned bad. and since I had no friends whom I trust, I was alone. I lived very independently and shut myself off from the world. I was sick of meeting the wrong people again and again. and I was sick of trying hard to know my friends better. 
    But luckily for me, my classmates in poly are freakin awesome. we have become so close now and I trust each one of them. most of them thought i was arrogant at first. but slowly i decided to open up to them a little and i was glad i did! otherwise we wouldn’t be so close like a family now and i wouldn’t have this much fun in my life. come to think of it now, i feel kinda stupid for being such a loner in the beginning.
    don’t shut yourself up from people around you! I believe one day you will meet the right friends. or maybe they are already around you but you need to put in effort to get to know them? well.. good luck jess. :)

  • haha

    hey, your post gave me some understanding and strength towards the situation i’m facing in :)
    it’s like kind of hard to be yourself in front of people whom you don’t know well for fear that they will judge you, and it’s not a very good feeling. i am currently struggling now in school, but reading your post, it dawned on me that “so what if they don’t like me? there bound to be people that care!”

    even though i have my parents’ support, boyfriend and close friends whom i can only count with one hand, i wish that i can just speak my mind comfortably to others as well, to those who don’t judge me by what i say. but hey, we can’t demand for more people to like you since you can’t make everyone happy right? :)

  • Jessica

    You’re not alone hun ♥

  • g

    you write so well. i feel the exact same way and you took the words right out of my mouth. except that you still have a bf. i always feel as if i have no one to turn to but i guess that’s when one learns to grow stronger :) you’re such a strong and beautiful girl

  • Jessica

    Thank you for your kind comments :-[ You can always come to me if you need someone who won’t judge to listen to your problems! I may only be some random blogger, but I’m always ready to listen to a stranger who is willing to talk.