I think the hardest part about being me is making it look so easy.
I’ve always thought of myself as an expressive person, right until this moment.
Because I have a thousand thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart that I can’t seem to put into words…
I now know why I used to cry so damn much.. because I couldn’t find another way to express myself.
Stupid but true.
For the longest time I’ve felt suppressed, trapped, helpless. As though I was screaming but nobody could hear me.
And the screaming turned into silent cries.
And by silent I really do mean silent, because from then on I never bothered burdening anyone else with my worries and troubles. Everything unpleasant I felt or thought, I kept to myself as much as possible.
Not unless I was at my breaking point and desperately needed a shoulder to lean on.
Some of you might have realized this because unhappy posts almost completely disappeared from my blog since some time ago. If you’ve been following me for a long time, you’d know I used to be a lot more whiny and PMS-y and had lots of temperamental posts.
I thought there really was no point sharing since nobody would understand.
And I wasn’t going to complain that nobody understands either, because really, who the fuck would want to read about that?
Now I’ve finally found someone who is ready to listen to me anytime I have something to say… someone who possibly understands, or at least tries his very best to.
I’m new to this feeling but it’s something I could get used to.
I find myself trying really hard to break down the wall I’ve built to guard myself against others.
I hate feeling vulnerable but now, suddenly, I want to.
I want to be able to trust someone whole-heartedly again. Giving all I’ve got and trusting that he won’t throw it all away.
To love like you’ve never been hurt before.
Because that’s what love is all about, isn’t it? What is love without understanding and trust? Why bother being in relationship if you’re not going to give it a hundred percent?
With me, it’s all or nothing.
That’s why I had to give up my relationship with James.
“So since I’m not your everything, how about I’ll be nothing.. nothing at all to you?” – My fav verse from my fav Beyonce song~
I don’t blame anyone around me for being skeptical about this new long-distance relationship. They’re just being concerned. I don’t think anyone knows him like I do.
What annoys me is when people judge without even making an effort to understand.
But then again, if people could understand each other so easily, he wouldn’t be this special anyway….
My head hurts. Fuck this, it’s a public holiday. And it’s my school holidays. So… End of emo post, shall resume happy posts soon.
I’m still a happy person, definitely, but happy people have their troubles too.
They just make the most out of what they have.
Nothing like L4D to take my mind off things. Time for some zombie blasting!
I conclude : My best friends are Bill, Francis, Louis and Zoey.