Over-possessive? I think not.

A friend invited me to this party tonight which sounds really awesome.

I am extremely tempted to go but after some reflection, I don’t think I’d be going afterall.

I haven’t “gone wild” for a long, long time now mainly cos I’m attached.

My friend asked just now, “why do you let a guy control you like that?”

I didn’t have a good answer for him then.

I just shrugged the thought off and continued working… now that I am home, that question repeats itself in my head.

“Why do you let a guy control you like that?”

And then I wonder… Am I really sacrificing too much of my precious youth? Why commit so young when I can party now?

True, if I were to call James right now and tell him I’m going to the party tonight, he’d be pissed and he wouldn’t allow me to go. (This party is pretty wild)

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But would I consider that being possessive?

…No, not really.

I would think his anger comes from the fact that I’m disrespecting him.

Disrespecting him because I wouldn’t want him to go to the party either, if I were in his shoes.

Disrespecting him because we know it’s that line in our relationship we don’t wanna cross.

Even if he allowed me to go, I don’t think I would in the end, either. (even though I’m tempted as hell)

For a moment, I had these thoughts:

“It’s just for a night… it’s not like you’re gonna fuck around, you’re just gonna have a little bit of fun. Besides, you know he’s lied to you and gone out with others behind your back before, so why can’t you do the same? You’re not really doing anything wrong anyway.”

And now I’m suddenly reminded of quarrels I’ve had with James in the past.

He used to have the same thoughts as well.

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…One important lesson this relationship has taught me is that

It’s Not Always About Who’s Right Or Wrong.

It’s about how your actions affect other people and how it makes you feel about yourself in the end.

How does one justify his “wrong doings” when it comes to matters of the heart? Love knows no logic.

So what if I’m not sleeping around and I’m just going to a party?

I would be doing something that I know my boyfriend wouldn’t approve of.

Even if I’m not doing anything WRONG per se, but I have chosen him to be my boyfriend and I have to respect him for who he is and what we have chosen to believe in.

It would be stupid to lie to him and go to the party behind his back – because if I want such freedom, then why should I stick with a boyfriend like him anyway?

People who constantly complain about not having enough freedom in their relationship really confuse me sometimes.

Since when was a relationship ever linked to “freedom“? The last time I checked, relationships were about commitment.

Besides chemistry, I believe that what keeps a relationship going strong is mutual understanding and respect.

If you have mutual understanding, quarrels would seldom occur because you know what you should and shouldn’t do. Problems would be easier to solve.

If you have respect for each other, problems like cheating on each other would cease to exist.

And in this case, mutual understanding would mean knowing or not knowing whether you can or cannot do something which would or wouldn’t hurt your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Since you know the answer, there are two outcomes:

1) Do something which you know your partner wouldn’t be unhappy about

2) Do something which you know your partner would be unhappy about but do it cuz you feel like doing it anyway

If your outcome is 2) then you probably don’t deserve to be in a relationship that requires commitment.

Cuz that’s very selfish thinking. If you’re selfish and don’t give a hoot about how your partner feels, why be in a serious relationship anyway?

It’s like betraying your own intelligence, which brings us back to my point on “how it makes you feel about yourself”

Just break up and do whatever the hell you want without hurting others.

If your and your partner have no respect for each other / mutual understanding then your relationship is as good as doomed either way.

So then, why should a problem such as “not enough freedom” exist? Is it even worth quarreling over at all?

I ask myself this question because James thinks I’m very possessive.

Obviously I don’t think I am VERY possessive, perhaps slightly at most.

I have my reasons for being slightly paranoid sometomes, but he often forgets that respect and trust needs to be earned, and once lost it is often hard to restore.

Me and James have yet to come to a certain level of understanding… and he obviously does not have a lot of respect for me sometimes (both of us have our faults)

But we have enough chemistry and everything else to keep us going on for now. (And I have enough patience)

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And I respect him enough to not lie to him just to get high and drunk at some party later on.

So I guess I’m not going to that wild, fun party tonight.

I guess I’m going to stay home and reflect a little bit more.

This post today is just a reminder to myself why I believe what I believe in. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, but if it does, then good on ya.

I feel like typing a whole lot more, but yea, that for another time.

xoxo,
Jess