A 4am letter to no one in particular

Tonight’s one of those rough nights.
On a scale of 1-10, I would say tonight could be a 4, which isn’t very high on the Miserable scale to be honest. I’ve had a few 8′s or 9′s that rocked my world this year.. So tonight is still quite manageable, I guess. I don’t feel the need to talk to someone while bawling my eyes out, but it’s still nice to have a form of release, so here I am.

As I lie awake in bed with only my bleak thoughts for company, I start to wonder to myself, why is it so difficult to find someone whom I can hand my heart to and trust them not to be careless with it? Relationship problems have messed me up so much, even I am shocked by its significance. Why has my confidence diminished? Am I placing too much of my self worth and value in being treasured by someone else? Do I really have to stop loving myself because someone I love stopped loving me the right way? If I give up on myself, who would still bother placing their faith in me?

It hurts inexplicably to love someone so much that you lose yourself in the process, forgetting that you’re special too. I guess I now know why self love, self respect and self worth all begin with “self.” These things can only be found within you, and not anyone else.

I will be turning 23 years old in a month’s time, and I feel like I’ve hit a quarter life crisis already. I am without purpose, without direction and most definitely without motivation. I’ve never been the sort to have my life figured out (study hard, do the right thing, get in the right uni course, find a stable job), I’ve always accidentally or inadvertently taken the whirlwind route. Skip school, do reckless things, fail exams, become self employed since 16, go to a private school, apply for university overseas then withdraw my application after being accepted, to sell cakes online.

But I’ve always taken a leap of faith and believed in myself. Even if I didn’t know what I was doing, I knew that I would make sure it all worked out in the end. Even when I flunked my O’levels like some delinquent joke, I told myself, “It’s going to be okay. You don’t want to work in a job that relies on certifications anyway.”

But this time, I’m really not sure if I’m going to be okay. I’m scared. Fuck that, I’m terrified. I told myself I would take a few months to feel better. It’s been way longer than that now, and I don’t seem to feel much better. In my bloody defense, most people go through a break up (and that alone is heartbreaking enough) but for me, all of a sudden, I’m also out of a job and place to stay. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Unemployment, sudden singlehood and relocation. See, me and him, we had everything. By everything I mean we shared our entire lives, including income making ways and housing together. I thought we were set in concrete. I thought he was the man I was going to marry and have children with. But now I’m going to have to move out soon. I’m leaving literally everything behind. Soon enough, we will be complete strangers. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that concept. Spending 6 years of your life extremely intimately with someone, and then having that person thoroughly removed after that, does things to the way you function every day.

I have been without income for awhile now. Maybe I should be worried about how I’m not that worried about money. Money has never been a priority to me. As long as I am able to live comfortably, I’m happy. These days, I just try my best everyday to feel as normal as possible on the inside. Where got time to think about money?

Sometimes I wonder if that’s considered being irresponsible. My friends and mother throw interrogating questions my way, “What are you doing with your life? How long are you going to continue like this?”

The truth is, I’m just getting by, guys. I’m getting by, and perhaps I’ve turned into an under achiever, but for now, that’s damn well good enough for me because you don’t understand how not crying to yourself to sleep can be the best part of your day until you’ve been in a situation that hopeless.

Get a grip on yourself and move on, they always say. It’s easy when you have bigger, better and brighter things to look forward to. But what if it’s the entire life you used to know that you’re walking away from? What if you had to let go of what you considered was the best thing to ever happen to you because it was also ripping you apart from the inside?

He cleaned up the house and made a nice dinner tonight. It was extremely nice of him. He tried to hug me and do normal couple-ish things, and it broke my heart to have to push him away and pretend like I didn’t care for him anymore. I’m the one who wanted this, so I have to grit my teeth and go through with it, right? I have to admit, some days it feels like it might be easier to just forget about everything that happened and get back together. After all, we are so familiar with each other. He knows how I like my foot massages, I know how to finish his sentences and he knows what my farts smell like. I know the food items he would order in a menu, and he knows I can’t sleep without a bolster at night.

Why would you want to erase all of that and start over again with somebody new? But I have to remind myself, that I gave it all up because it became too painful to hold onto. Too many things were said and done, that I will never forget.

I may have forgotten what he said or did specifically on the many different occasions, but I’ll never forget how it made me feel (and still makes me feel). I have tried my best to forgive and forget, but too much damage has been done. I wish I could put all these negative emotions locked away in a chest that I could throw into the deepest part of the ocean, but I can’t.

I carry the fucking baggage around with me every damn day, and when I think it doesn’t matter so much anymore, I’m proven wrong when I look into your eyes – all I see reflected in them is my disappointment and silent resentment.

Recently, I find myself questioning my own decision. The decision that took me months & possibly years of tearful pondering to get to. Was it really the right thing to do? Will I ever find somebody who loves me as much? What if in a bid to pursue greater happiness, I was leaving the best thing in my life behind? What is more important, somebody who loves you to the ends of the earth and back or someone who can love you the right way?

To whoever is reading this, I hope you find someone who knows how to love you when you are sad.
Someone who makes the bad times better, and great times, the best.
Someone who has the words to say to make you feel better, even if sometimes they can’t actually help.
Someone who won’t take you for granted or their frustration out on you when they’re upset.
Someone who will constantly remind you that you’re extraordinary, someone who loves you in a way that makes you feel complete.
They should always be your better half.
They should be the reason why you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, and not the reason why you cry so hard, you can’t even breathe properly.

I’m not saying they’re not allowed to make mistakes. And I certainly am not implying the right one will never make you sad. But a healthy couple fights fair and well, even when times are bad. We do not resort to belittling the other person and making them feel worthless. We are all only human after all, and to err is what we were born to do.

But when a person makes a mistake, they should be willing to fix it, tell you they’re sorry without being asked, and try their best not to do it again. Someone who cares about you should not choose to deliberately hurt your feelings over and over again.

By no means am I the perfect girlfriend or partner. But I gave fucking everything I had. I have nothing left to give, and perhaps for this reason alone I shouldn’t let myself be ridden with guilt, blaming myself for walking away. No matter what other people say or think, I loved you with every cell in my body. It’s just that now, I have absolutely nothing left. I wish I did, but I have no more love left to give you. I am an empty shell, a shadow of the person I used to be, and I am not the same girl you met all those years ago anymore.

I am so sorry.
I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry for me.

xoxo,
Jess

NIVEA Extra White Body Lotion

Fashion trends come and go, but having glowing and healthy skin is fashionable every day of the year.

Instead of just focusing on products for our face, we should give equal attention to focusing on body care as well. Your skin is the largest organ on your body, after all. And every woman dreams of having skin as soft as silk. As someone who deals with a range of body problems – dry skin, stretch marks, flabby areas, these NIVEA serums & lotions are my daily go-to. NIVEA ia a trusted name in skin care that everyone has heard of, and it’s not difficult to see why they are so popular. Their products are extremely affordable, reliable and straight to the point. It doesn’t oversell what it cannot achieve.

NIVEA has relaunched its whitening body moisturisers to help you get fairer and firmer skin with a new ingredient, Coenzyme Q10. The range has two body lotions and three body serums, with the latter promising to give you fairer and firmer skin in just 14 days!

Don’t know the difference between lotions and serums?

Serums have better product efficacy than lotion as it has higher concentration of active ingredients. NIVEA’s whitening body serums contain a special concentration of up to 95% Vitamin C for fairer skin, while Coenzyme Q10 boosts cell energy and provides added anti-wrinkling and antioxidant benefits.

NIVEA EXTRA WHITE FIRMING BODY SERUM SPF 33 is the new best-selling star product, With 95% Vitamin C, this product contains the highest concentration of Vitamin C amongst NIVEA’s body care arsenal. With just one quick application, the skin on my body feels rejuvenated and with continued regular usage over 2 weeks, I could see a visible difference in its texture and pigments!

My skin was noticeably more supple and fairer, much to my own surprise. I personally prefer the texture of the serums better, as I feel it is a more potent product that doesn’t feel too sticky on my skin. Sunscreen is also vital in maintaining fair skin. NIVEA’s body serums for day use come with SPF 33, UVA and UVB protection to shield you from the sun’s damaging rays.

Want brighter skin right now? This serum gives just that with Titanium Dioxide, an ingredient commonly found in your BB creams which acts as micro light reflectors to immediately brighten skin.

Think of these as tiny mirrors to make skin ‘light up’ with radiance right where you want it! I put extra emphasis on application on my arms (the entire arm, because I am so flabby) and my thighs because I’m hoping to firm these areas up more! With the right diet, exercise and firming serums, I’m hoping to reduce the jiggiliness of my arms soon.

NIVEA offers 2 day serums (with SPF33 PA++): Extra White Firming serum (star product) & Instant White Firming Serum. 1 night serum: Night White Firming Body Serum for night time rejuvenation. Your skin recovers and renews itself during the night, so give it extra love with this serum.

NIVEA is hosting a #ultimatefashionstatement event on 22nd Aug, 2-5pm at Capitol Piazza B1-36! They have invited celebrity makeup artist, Clarence Lee & fashion stylist, Keith Png to give tips on how to get hydrated, fair, firm skin, which colours to wear or avoid and which outfit flatters our body type most! To win a pair of tickets, post your blue ootd and hashtag, #NIVEAsg, #ultimatefashionstatement. Contest ends 18th Aug!

Your skin is the ultimate fashion statement. Possessing beautiful skin gives you that additional confidence booster in everything you wear. Your skin shouldn’t be the limitation to what you would wear.

NIVEA body serums and lotions are available at Guardian, Watsons, Cold Storage, NTUC Fairprice outlets, and other major retail stores.

Find out more about their vast range of products on their Facebook page!

xoxo,
Jess

All the things I miss about being in love

I miss being in love with someone who loves me back.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares and having someone right there to hold me until I fall back soundly asleep again.
I miss knowing that I, too, mean everything to the person who means the world to me.
I miss long talks at night planning our future together and being genuinely excited thinking about it.
I miss having someone to cuddle every night.
I miss knowing my name is safe with that person because they loved me for who I was.

I miss having someone look deeply into my eyes every time I talked to them because they cared about everything I said.
I miss someone wiping away my tears when I cry.
I miss not ever having to feel completely alone.
I miss trusting a person wholeheartedly and knowing they’ll never let you down.
I miss believing everything he will tell you without a doubt in my mind.
I miss being with someone who tells me with a convinced look on his face, “You’re the girl I’m going to marry.”

I miss watching movies with someone till we fell asleep late in the night, and feeling like I could spend the rest of my life doing exactly that.
I miss waking up to your significant other in the morning and laughing at their puddle of drool on their pillow.
I miss having a warm pair of hands to hold in the theatre because mine always gets cold.
I miss forehead kisses every single night.
I miss how I knew I always had someone to talk to no matter how insignificant a topic I have in mind.

I miss having someone to share my life with, every little happening and important event.
I miss believing I was worth loving.
I miss loving someone so much, I would gladly exchange my life for theirs.
I miss knowing I’m the reason for someone’s happiness.
I miss someone asking me what I wanted for dinner, and then lets me steal his food when his meal is nicer than mine.
I miss cooking someone’s favorite dishes and seeing him eat them greedily in appreciation.

I miss falling asleep on someone’s shoulder during long car rides.
I miss knowing no matter how great a shit storm life throws at me, I have someone who will be right next to me going through it together.
I miss grocery shopping with someone who was happy to cook with me.
I miss having someone’s undivided attention and being his top priority at all times.
I miss trying to impress someone’s parents, hoping they will like me because I want to be part of his family some day.

I miss putting extra effort to look pretty when going on dates and hoping he would notice it.
I miss going on holiday with someone who makes every great adventure in life even better simply by being part of it.
I miss having someone to love me even when I can’t love myself.
I miss being with someone who is reason why you remember that there is always a reason to smile every day no matter how shitty you’re feeling.

I miss wanting to become a better person so that he can be proud of me.
I miss waking up all excited everyday because it’s another day to be spent with him.
I miss being in a relationship that felt right.
I miss hearing someone special say “hello” to you, and it would sound like the best thing you’ve ever heard.
I miss feeling like everything I ever needed in life was standing right in front of me.

I don’t know if I will find love like that again.
And that thought scares me. Knowing I had something so special, then watching it slip through my very fingers over the years and not knowing exactly how to stop it from going.
Going, going.. Now it’s gone.
Until the day I find someone who’s willing to pick up the pieces with me and go through everything all over again, I guess I’m going to have to learn how to be alone without feeling completely lonely and miserable.

I guess I don’t mind the being alone part so much. What really gets to me are all these voices inside my head telling me,

“You’re never going to find somebody who will love you like that again.”

…And I almost believe them.
Almost.

But I still hope I’ll find someone to have and to hold in my life again some day. I know finding that person will be worth all the prior heartbreak. And it will be worth the wait.

xoxo,
Jess

Margaret River Escape

To say that life has been a roller coaster recently would be an understatement.

There’s been so many ups and downs, I’m thoroughly exhausted from it all. I’ve laughed and cried so hard and so often that I couldn’t breathe properly at all. In the past 7 months of 2015, I’ve loved and lost more than I have throughout the combined past few years of my life. I’ve suffered great emotional trauma, and many long nights slowly turn into days as I lie wide awake in bed questioning who I am and what I’m doing with my life. While I’m still licking my wounds, I thought it would be a pleasant change to share some really fond memories on my blog from June 2015.

It was a completely impromptu trip to Perth. No matter how many times I visit this place, no trip ever feels or is the same. I booked my flight at 1pm and got on the plane at 5pm.

No prior planning, I just #YOLO-ed all the way and put full faith in the spontaneity of my friends. I happened to have some friends going to Perth at the same time, which worked out wonderfully. It was the first time I hopped on a plane not knowing what I’d end up doing in the other country. I have friends and family in Perth which made me a lot less anxious, but I’d love to do the same thing again some day in a country where I know absolutely no one!

Food, such glorious food!
Good food ALWAYS makes my day. I got to stay with my friend Jarrett and his amazingly hospitable family for a couple of days and they treated me so well. We ate more than our stomachs could handle every day and here’s just a few of the dishes we devoured.

And then there was this epic 3d2n road trip down to Margaret River which I took with my incredible friends Charles and Sarah. I love these two to the moon and back! The four of us rented an apartment literally in the middle of the woods (surrounded by wild kangaroos!) and it was the true meaning of road trippin’ in the Australian outback.

The holiday home we had for 3 days couldn’t be any more quaint and lovely.

We slapped steaks and sausages on the outdoor grill and had meats and wine in our backyard every night. We cooked up a STORM. Our landlady was an angel, she brought us nice berries, orange juice, freshly baked bread (which was to die for).

We drove for hours on the endless roads everyday, taking in the vast greenery and singing along to every song we knew that came on Spotify. Looking at horses, sheep, cows and other various animals on the side of the road. We did everything right – visited cheese / chocolate factories, animal farms, hedge maze, wineries, then ended our nights in the best way I can think of – shrieking with laughter over board games, listening to chill music while randomly talking about life and getting real buzzed. Hanging around positive and like-minded people can do so many good things for your broken soul. I was lapping up every single second of it. It was one of those, “I’m going to remember this even when I’m 50″ moments.

Some of my best memories from 2015.

When I couldn’t love myself, I was blessed enough to be surrounded by kind people who loved me and showed me that there is always still a reason to smile no matter how shitty you’re feeling.

Thank you so much.

xoxo,
Jess

Lactacyd Female Hygiene Wash

Here’s a little disclaimer to let you guys know that the blog post ahead is intended for females.

Did you know that in Singapore, only 4 out of 10 women use a feminine wash for their private areas? Unfortunately, I have not been one of those 4 in-the-know women, up until my recent discovery of Lactacyd!

Lactacyd is a Feminine Hygiene wash brand that has been prescribed by doctors and trusted by women for over 25 years. It is the number 1 feminine wash in Singapore and leading expert in Feminine Hygiene care, offering a comprehensive range of products suitable for women.

Using water or shower gel is simply not good enough as the pH of the V area is naturally acidic, hence a dedicated wash is required to take care of a female’s most intimate area! I wish I’d known this earlier. Using a dedicated feminine wash can also reduce the risk of odor, irritation and bacterial growth.

Just as we have different types of soaps for our face, body, and hair, a dedicated wash should be for one of the most important areas of our body that is all too often accidentally overlooked or neglected! I know most girls are too shy to talk about topics like these, but really, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

All Lactacyd products have undergone strict clinical trials, and have been proven to be not only safe but effective.

There is a Lactacyd variant for different phases in a woman’s life:

  • Lactacyd Revitalize – for firmer looking skin around the V
  • Lactacyd White Intimate – for fairer looking skin in just 4 weeks
  • Lactacyd Soft & Silky – for smoother V for after grooming
  • Lactacyd All-Day Fresh – to keep the V area feeling fresher for longer
  • Lactacyd Feminine Hygiene – for days you need extra care

I keep a whole range of these handy in my bathroom, because they serve different purposes throughout the month!

My favorite to use would be the Lactacyd Feminine Hygiene, as I find the V area to be most irritated and sensitive during my period, and this is when Lactacyd becomes a life saver by making sure I stay fresh and clean at any given point of the day. I tend to stay out and about for longer hours, whether I’m running from one appointment to the other or clubbing all night.. it means it may be a full day or extended hours before I can wash up or take a shower. Using the Lactacyd Feminine hygiene and keeping feminine wipes in my handbag proved to be an extremely good idea for keeping me feeling and smelling good all day long.

 

Lactacyd Feminine Hygiene contains milk essences, lactic acid and lactoserum which helps maintain your V’s pH balance and keeps it feeling naturally clean for a longer period of time. The texture is milky and runny and has a very pleasant floral scent which smells great.

Although I’ve never known this before, the difference between using Lactacyd and normal body soap is a big one once you’ve become a convert. It feels so much better! I’ll never go back to using just body wash for my sensitive areas again.

A few of my favorite girly essentials together all decked out in my favorite color, pink! Along with my other beauty must-haves, like my perfume, mirror and accessories, is my newest addition to my beauty regime: Lactacyd Feminine Hygiene wash.

If you’ve never tried using Lactacyd or a female hygiene wash before and would like to find out what the fuss is about, it’s your lucky day girls – Lactacyd is sending free samples right to your doorstep! Just fill out the form at this link, and wait at home for your goodies to arrive. Let us embrace all things that make us feminine and the women that we are!

xoxo,
Jess
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